Chapter 38
Kane spent the night on the mountain with just Kpo for company. The leopard was also mourning the loss of Leila, who had been a friend during Kane’s many absences.
He knew he was behaving badly. He was also aware that he was punishing himself because he felt guilty. But the crappy thing was, he wasn’t only punishing himself but Kaitlin, as well. And she’d done nothing wrong.
He couldn’t help himself. The fact was, he didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve to be happy when Leila and Brandon were dead. He’d let them down, and whether that was wrong or right, didn’t seem to matter.
He couldn’t see a way forward through the thick cloud of grief.
Anyway, they had zero chance of stopping an explosion when they had no clue where it would take place.
Kaitlin should be going to Australia. She was being stubborn.
He loved her; he just couldn’t get that to matter right now.
He had a momentary flash back to the feel of her under him. The taste of her kisses. How it had felt to be lodged deep inside her. Then the image was overwritten by one of Leila telling him he was betraying their cause. Then placing her dead body in the ground.
Christ, what a mess.
He couldn’t bear the thought of Kaitlin dying as well. She was so full of life.
Maybe the one last good thing he could do was get her to Australia. Would she agree if he went as well? Would she give up this pointless exercise; trying to save a world that was doomed and probably not worth saving anyway?
He had zero wish to go to Australia, but he would do it if it meant saving Kaitlin.
When dawn came, he pushed himself to his feet. For the first time in his life, he felt the weight of his years. His body ached and his mind was churning.
When he made his way down the mountain, he saw a truck parked outside the house. They were getting an early start.
He knew Jake and Christa were staying behind. Christa wanted to close her lab, sorting out anything she might need in Australia. But the rest of them were leaving this morning. Including Kaitlin.
She came out of the house, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, carrying a jacket. She had a walking stick which she leaned heavily on, but she was getting around under her own steam. He approached her slowly, and she glanced up.
“Come and talk to me for a moment,” he said.
A look of hope flashed across her face. “Of course.”
He led her away from the house, to where a small open-sided hut stood just out of sight of the main building.
She sat on the hammock and swung her feet.
He thought about dipping into her mind, but somehow, he felt it wouldn’t be right.
Instead, he paced the area a couple of times while he tried to decide how to say what needed to be said.
“Just spit it out,” she said.
She was always so direct. “I think you should go to Australia.”
“I know. You already told me that. What else?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets, because he had the urge to go shake her, or hold her, or...
“Would you give up this crazy idea of going to New York if I went to Australia with you?”
Her eyes narrowed at his words. “You’d do that?”
“It’s as good a place as any.”
She pushed herself up from the hammock, grabbed her stick, and hobbled over to stand in front of him, peering up into his face. “Can I come in?” she asked.
He didn’t think that was a good idea. But if he said no, then she would be...what? Hurt? Disappointed in him? It was unlikely she would trust his motives, so he gave a quick nod and hoped his thoughts wouldn’t betray him.
She stared at him for long moments. He tried to think of his commitment to her, so she’d know he was sincere. He would go to Australia if that was what it took to save her.
Her brows drew together. “You’d get on the plane with us today. Leave this place. Go to Australia?”
“If it was with you, then, yes.”
“And what if I don’t want to go there? Then what? Where will you go?”
He shrugged. “I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll stay here for a while. Say goodbye to the place. Then...”
He really didn’t know. He couldn’t think that far ahead.
“You know how many years everyone told me to let go of my guilt? A lot. And I’ve done it. Now it’s time for you to do the same. But you don’t have years.” She stepped closer and rested her free hand on his chest. “Come with me to New York. This isn’t over, Kane. We can still make a difference.”
“Maybe I don’t want to make a difference.”
She shook her head and took a step back and, in that moment, he couldn’t let her go.
He had to convince her to give up. That trying to save the world was futile.
He reached for her, taking her by the shoulders and pulling her to him.
Lowering his head, he kissed her. Maybe this was the way to get through to her.
But he knew he was kidding himself—the truth was that he couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving and him never kissing her again.
Never holding her again. It didn’t really matter. He had to do this.
For a few seconds, she was stiff in his arms, then she melted against him.
Her lips parted beneath his and her tongue thrust inside, like hot, wet velvet, stroking him, filling him with the taste of her.
It wasn’t enough. He kissed her until he ran out of oxygen and had to raise his head and gulp in air.
Then he kissed her cheeks and her jaw, her throat, the soft spot where her neck met her shoulders.
He returned to her mouth and kissed her some more.
His body was on fire and the black thoughts faded from his mind.
He pushed her backwards toward the hammock, and she let out a little hiss of pain as she landed on her sore ankle.
He went still as the memories flooded back. Closing his eyes, he breathed in deeply. When he opened them, she was watching him, her expression wary.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“What for this time?” she snarled. “For kissing me?”
“No, never for that. For hurting you.”
And he didn’t mean her ankle. He could sense her pain and her anger without going into her head. He’d let her down again.
Then the rage drained from her, and she slumped, looking so defeated.
“What happened to fucking love conquers all?” she muttered.
She sighed and rubbed at the spot between her brows.
“Part of me wishes I could do it. Just go off to Australia and live happily ever after. But I’m not sure that’s an option.
Maybe we’re too alike to have a happy ending.
Too ready to blame ourselves and wallow in our own guilt.
” She frowned. “Hey, we’re not related, are we? ”
“No. I checked the records.”
“Good. I think. What I’m trying to say is—thanks for offering to come to Australia with me. I’m sure it would be a great personal sacrifice, and the fact that you’d do it for me is sort of sweet. But no thanks.”
Had he really expected anything else? She’d never be easy. That was a big part of why he loved her. “You’re determined to save the world, even if you die trying? Are you sure you’re not just being stubborn?”
She raised a brow. “Are you sure you aren’t?”
He gave a wry smile. “We make a good pair.”
“Yeah. It would all be so much easier if I still hated you.”
“I never hated you.”
“I know.” She gave a half-hearted grin. “Anyway, if I go to Australia, I might end up living in a bunker for five years with that lot.” She waved a hand toward the house.
“I’m not sure I could face that. I’m not good with enclosed spaces.
” At that moment, the horn sounded from the truck.
She gave a small shrug and a rueful smile.
Then she reached up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his cheek.
“You know, despite all this, I’m glad you showed me how love could be. ” She stepped back. “Goodbye, Kane.”
He watched as she reached down and picked up her stick, then hobbled back to the house. He didn’t move until she had disappeared from sight. Then he sank down onto the hammock and put his head in his hands.
It was over.
All that was left was the waiting.