Chapter 15 #2
The high-pitched snip as the scissors cut through the fabric was surprisingly soothing in its simple efficiency. And except for one moment when a patch of material had to be eased out of the dried blood, removing the ruined shirt didn’t add to my discomfort.
Marta examined the wound and quickly cleaned it.
As predicted, the contents of the bottle stung.
I wasn’t sure it was necessary to apply the antiseptic, since when I next shifted any infection would be cleared away, but I didn’t protest. The wound had stopped bleeding but began to ooze again after being cleaned.
Marta covered it with a non-stick pad, and applied pressure until it stopped.
Then she added a layer of gauze and wrapped an elasticized bandage around my torso with just enough pressure to keep the wound from opening up again, but not enough to cut off any circulation.
I felt the slight constriction of my chest as I dragged in a breath, but it was fine.
“There, that should do,” said Marta as she began clearing away the remnants of her supplies, tossing a couple of bloody swabs into the bin. They landed with a dull thud, then she turned her perceptive blue eyes to mine.
“Want to tell me what’s going on, Alpha?”
I sighed. “Not really, but…”
Marta waited patiently as I sorted through my thoughts. She’d always been like a mother to me. If I couldn’t talk to her, who could I talk to?
“Xander doesn’t want anything to do with me and the pack knows it,” I blurted out before I lost my nerve.
“It’s making the younger alphas bolder, and where they wouldn’t have thought of trying anything before…
well, an alpha who doesn’t have the respect of their mate looks…
” my voice trailed away. I didn’t want to say it.
Saying it might make it real. I wasn’t weak, I’d proven time and again I could battle anyone that threatened the pack, and I sure as hell could beat the hide of anyone in the pack.
But they would weaken me. One by one, fight by fight, I would gradually be worn down, until there was nothing left but for one last, only moderately strong alpha to finish me off. I wondered who that last one would be.
“Is there a reason he doesn’t like you?” Marta’s voice cut through my mental spiraling. When I looked at her, she appeared thoughtful, head tilted, frown deepening.
“Marta,” I said, lowering my voice as much as I could and still have her hear me, “he had no choice about the mating. It’s complicated, but he went along with it because the alternative was worse. It was the best of two bad choices as far as he was concerned.”
“I hardly think a union with a kind and respected Pack Alpha could be considered a bad option,” huffed Marta, indignantly.
My shoulders rose and fell infinitesimally. “It wasn’t what he wanted. I don’t think they even asked his opinion before committing him.”
“And you didn’t know this until…?”
“I… I don’t know,” I sighed. I wondered if she could read the guilt on my face.
“I guess I had some doubts and I tried to ask him about it beforehand, but he wouldn’t open up to me and…
I guess, I’d already decided I wanted him, so I didn’t push too hard.
He didn’t tell me until after we’d mated.
He was never going to forgive me after that… ”
“So that morning you came and introduced him… you knew?”
“Yes… it was the first thing he told me that morning when we woke up. It was too late to fix the situation by then. He was disgusted by me. I was disgusted by myself. I would never have gone through with it if I’d known.
I was just blinded by my own desire.” My chest felt hollow, my shoulders sagging lower than I’d ever thought they could.
“Have you spoken to him about it?” Marta asked, quite reasonably.
“He keeps avoiding me,” I admitted. “There were a couple of times I thought we’d be able to move past it, and then for some reason I can’t figure, he goes all cold and distant again. I can’t figure him out at all!”
I paused, my thumbs tapping together as I studiously avoided her eyes. “I really like him, Marta. I can’t explain it. I know I don’t really know him, but I just feel something . I’ve never felt this for anyone else. And now I’ve ruined any chance of anything with him.”
“And does he know how you feel about him?”
“No. I haven’t had the chance to tell him. I can't get near him!”
Marta’s dark curls flopped about her head.
“You’re going to have to find a way to talk to him. Not just for your own sake, but for the pack as well. There’s no-one here who could run this pack as well as you, and you know that. You owe it to the pack to sort this out.”
“That’s…. kind of true. But there is Zendius. He’s more than capable of leading the pack.”
Marta muttered something to herself. Then her blue eyes looked straight into mine. “Do not let the pack go to Zendius,” she said, surprising me with her vehemence. “I know he was Erebius’ second for a while, and everyone expected he would end up as pack leader, but there’s something about him…”
A pink stain washed over her cheeks. “I’m probably speaking out of turn, here, I know. Forgive me, Alpha. But there’s something about him I just don’t trust.”
*****
I paused, my fist raised millimeters from the timber. The air whistled along my nasal passages as I drew in a deep and fortifying breath. Goddess, help me.
My legs felt weak. Not from the challenge I’d already fought this morning, though that had been more difficult than the ones before.
I could feel the weariness in my muscles from the relentless duels.
Day after frigging day. But it wasn’t that that made me tremble and my legs feel like they wouldn’t hold me up a minute more.
Day after day, Xander had managed to dodge me, avoiding any possibility of me getting him alone for a private conversation.
When he was in his room, he didn’t respond to my knocks, and when he was out of his room, the door was locked.
I could have easily gotten in and laid in wait, but that felt predatory.
Though technically it was my bedroom too, it would have been a clear violation of his wishes.
After the fiasco of our mating night, I was anxious not to make that mistake again.
Anytime Xander was out of his room, he was in the company of Zendius.
I didn’t want to disturb their growing friendship, particularly if it was helping Xander to feel safe in his new pack, but I had to admit to a growing resentment of the ease between them.
Whenever I came across them, the stiffening of Xander’s posture felt like a slap in the face.
Zendius never gave any indication that he noticed, but he couldn’t have failed to see the change that came over my mate at the sight of me.
I let my hand fall. There was only so much a man with self-respect could do. If he didn’t want me, then he didn’t. I couldn’t keep doing this.
This time I didn’t knock, just turned and walked away. There was a physical ache in my chest. It’d taken so many years to find him, and now I was going to lose my mate.
And I was going to lose the pack too.