Chapter 17 #2
Remorse choked me, leaving me speechless.
This was so wrong. That this proud, gentle alpha could lose everything because of me.
I had been hurt by this mating, but so had he, and despite that, he had done nothing but try to make things easier for me since then.
I thought about how he had guarded me during my heat, respecting my wishes for him not to touch me.
It must have been torture for him, standing guard at my door, ensuring no-one could disturb me while I was vulnerable.
This was all my fault. I’d been so blinded by my own selfish anger that I hadn’t considered how our mating would affect Darius or the pack. I hadn’t even given Darius a chance, closing myself off physically and emotionally so no bond could grow between us.
Suddenly I saw all that I was going to lose. A man, a good man, a man I’d been attracted to at the start, and who I could have loved if I’d let myself. A man who’d been unfailingly gracious and kind with me, despite my appalling behavior.
“I’m going to stop this,” I said, as I turned and raced for the door. I hoped it wasn’t too late.
When I got outside, Darius was standing on his own, and the group of assembled alphas was listening as the next challenger conversed with his friend who had just been defeated.
Were the gathered alphas all intending to challenge?
Or were some simply spectating? There were too many.
I was shocked to recognize Zendius’ face within the crowd.
Why wasn’t he defending his leader? Wasn’t that his role as second?
From where I stood, several yards behind Darius, I could see the sweat on his back, his hair shiny with perspiration, and the faint flush of pink barely visible on the dark skin.
The next challenger stepped forward.
Darius was so focused on the challenger and they on him, that no-one noticed my presence until I ran up behind him. When I placed my hand on his lower back, Darius jumped in surprise. The challenger halted, mid-step, eyes narrowing.
“Alpha?” I said, uncertainly.
Darius turned his head quickly to glance at me.
The sharp look of concentration softened, and I saw the affection and sadness, and such longing in their depths, that it took my breath away.
How had I not noticed before? Because I’ve never let myself truly see him before.
I’d been too busy being angry. But I’d been angry at the wrong person.
“Go back inside, little one,” he said gently, turning his head back towards his challenger who was hesitating now that I was in the way. “There’s about to be violence out here.”
He turned back to me.
Slipping his index finger under the neckline of my shirt, he rubbed his finger over my fading mating mark, looking sorrowful and lost. Then he told me, “This mark will be gone in a few more days, maybe a week. You’ll be officially unmated, and free to leave.
I know you don’t like it here, so I won’t stop you.
The pack will make sure you have the money you need until you find your true Alpha. ”
No, no, no, no, no! I could feel my wolf so close to the surface, howling in my chest, frantic that he was going to be ripped away from his mate. I’m sorry , I silently told my wolf, I’ve been so stupid!
Tears welled up.
I threw myself onto the ground in front of Darius in the most submissive posture I could make; on my knees, head down, whimpering.
“P-please Alpha. I’m so s-sorry. I’ve been such a poor mate,” I stuttered, forcing myself to speak loud enough that the assembled challengers could hear my submission. Submission didn’t come easily to me, but it was important to do this right. “It was stupid and selfish of me. Please forgive me!”
Darius’ large, calloused hand ruffled tenderly through my hair. For the longest of moments he didn’t say anything, and the slow caress of his fingers across my head felt almost like he was memorizing… NO! This couldn’t be a goodbye. I choked on a sob.
“It’s all right, Xander. You didn’t ask for any of this. You’ll be free to choose your own mate.”
“Alpha!” I howled, resting my forehead on his leg, soaking the torn denim with salty tears. “Don’t send me away. I’m sorry. Please Alpha, I want to be yours . I am yours. If… if you’ll still have me…”
Even as I sobbed, I tilted my head, submissively exposing my neck.
As choked with emotion as I was, I still had enough wherewithal to ensure I’d positioned myself so the assembled crowd could see I had exposed my neck to him.
Distantly, I heard a murmur ripple through the crowd, but my attention was all on the alpha in front of me. Would he reject me now?
His hand was firm on my head as I waited. He held me in place.
“Anyone else?” he snarled.
No-one answered. Over the pounding of my heart and my shuddering breaths, and my occasional hiccoughing sob, I heard the shuffling and scuffing of feet. The group was dispersing. I sagged against him, my forehead pressing into his leg. My heart still rapped mercilessly against my ribs.
“Come here,” Darius said, slipping his hands under my armpits and gently pulling me up.
The next thing I knew, he’d lifted me into his arms as if I were as light as a feather, and he was striding away from the dispersing crowd and heading for the packhouse.
I was afraid one of the challengers might attack him while he had his back turned, but when I sneaked a peak around his arm, I saw the group was reduced to just a couple of lingerers.
One of them was Zendius, and he was watching us with a strange expression on his face.
I wondered why he hadn’t come over to help, but that thought faded as unimportant now the danger was past.
One last shuddering sob slipped out of me as I permitted myself the undeserved luxury of relaxing my head against Darius’ upper chest. I knew I didn’t deserve his comfort, but he was my mate. He’d forgive me, wouldn’t he?
Heat seeped from his chest into my body, my face wet from my tears and his sweat where it lay against his pecs.
I inhaled deeply. He smelled wonderful: the mix of body odor and musk and Darius’ own unique scent combining to form an elixir that was heady and intoxicating. Why hadn’t I ever noticed this before?
A flush of shame washed over me again, as I realized I was the only reason I hadn’t appreciated it before. I had been so full of my own self-righteousness that I had refused to notice what was right in front of me.
Did I whimper? Darius held me tighter and murmured, “It’s all right, Xander. I’ll get you out of here.”
I didn’t know what he meant. Was he going to throw me out after all? I clung to him.
“Don’t… don’t send me away…” I half-sobbed.
“You don’t have to go anywhere if you don’t want to,” chided Darius, his voice gentle. “You should know that by now. Except for… that first time… I’ve never forced you to do anything against your will.”
“That wasn’t against my will,” I confessed to the coarse hairs of his chest. “I wanted it… I just didn’t want to want it.”
“Hmmphf. That’s good to know. I felt like shit about that.
We need to talk.” I was jostled around as he strode rapidly over the uneven ground.
When we reached the back door, he juggled me easily with one arm, reaching for the door handle with the other.
The flyscreen screeched in protest as it opened, and I made a mental note to oil it later.
It was well past time I started to pull my weight within the pack.
The corridor was dark and silent as we made our way to the bedroom.
The clatter of trays and dishes down the other end of the corridor as Marta continued her cleanup of the kitchen, seemed distant.
Up here, near the bedroom, the corridor was deserted, silent except for the muffled thud of Darius’ footsteps across the floorboards.
When we had reached the bedroom door, my warm cocoon vanished as I found myself slithering out of his arms and onto my feet.
The loss of his body heat and the firm protection of his arms was disconcerting.
The hardwood boards beneath my bare feet were cold.
The metal doorknob was cold. I was cold. I shivered.
One minute I’d been bundled up in the gorgeous alpha’s arms, safe and secure, and now I felt… weird. I was used to being alone, so why did it make me feel odd now?
I advanced into the room, then turned, frowning, feeling even more adrift as I realized Darius had remained at the threshold.
Why wasn’t he following? I needed him to be right here…
Oh no! I felt the heat of a mortified blush creeping up my neck and settling in my cheeks.
I’d tossed him out, hadn’t I? Told him I didn’t want him here.
Locked him out even. And like the generous alpha he was, he’d let me keep the space for myself, even though it had been his long before my bad-tempered ass turned up.
I sighed. I’d really screwed this up, hadn’t I?
Every time he’d behaved as a mate should, I’d shut him down.
If we were to get back on course, it was up to me to make a move.
Taking the few steps back to the door, I reached out and grabbed his hand, a little rough in my awkwardness.
He let me pull him into the room without protest, dark eyes watching me intently.
He made no attempt to lead the encounter.
Maybe he was as unsure as I was, how we should proceed.
Turning to face him, I let my eyes rove over him.
For possibly the first time in weeks, I let myself really see him.
His chest shone with sweat, clumps of dark hairs matted and glistening, the curve of his pecs shiny, the skin golden brown.
I swallowed the urge to lick his muscles, licked my lips instead.
Pheromones hung heavy in the air; a trickle of slick ran down my inner thigh.