Chapter 38
LEKS
Things should be perfect.
We’re sitting in the garden, leaning against the cherry blossom trees that were in full bloom on the day we married. The shade is a welcome relief from a heavy, warm summer day.
As blissful as this is, I know there’s something wrong. Natalia is not a good actress. Her shoulders are tense against me and she’s chewing her lip in thought.
“There’s something bothering you.”
She’s starting to withdraw, to build up those walls again, looking at me like I’m one of her paintings that she needs to unpack and analyze.
Natalia lets out a breath and nods.
“You’re still keeping something from me, Leks. I want all of it.”
I don’t know how she knows me better than I know myself. It’s been in the back of my head. With Maksim gone, I can finally let myself remember it.
The ache that’s been in my chest since I left Russia. The guilt that rips me apart every time I let myself move forward with my life.
Knowing, all the while, that he’s suffering. Alone.
My breath gets short as I prepare to tell Natalia the truth.
The truth that might make her leave me.
“When I was in there, it was complicated. One of the therapists, Yulia, she was attracted to me from the start. She would pull me out of the hard labor and chores to spend time with her.”
Natalia’s eyes don’t leave mine.
“That doesn’t sound complicated, Leks. That sounds like someone took advantage of you.”
“It was hardly the worst that anyone got.”
What happened to me wasn’t bad on the grand scale of it. I might have been young, but I knew how to play the situation to my advantage.
“If it wasn’t for Yulia, I would have died after a few years. That’s the fucked up truth of it.”
“Still sounds awful.”
“Actually, it was probably the only reason that I could escape. She would give me extra rations while everyone else was starving. I could escape some of the harsher therapies, the electric shock treatment, by going to her.”
“I’m sorry, Leks.”
Natalia’s eyes are soft and brimming with tears. She brings her hand to my face and strokes over the stubble on my jaw.
I pull her closer to my chest, breathing in the sweet scent of her hair. It’s hard to think about that place, to bring up these memories, when I have something so perfect to focus on here.
I’ve never shared this with anyone. Digging up the past is painful, but I know I’ll never live with myself unless I do.
He’s out there, somewhere in Russia.
“She had a child.”
“Your child?” Natalia’s eyes widen.
“I think so.” I nod, feeling like my throat is about to close over. “I have a son. Leonid. He was the only good thing I got out of that place.”
There’s a long pause while she takes in this information. She must be able to feel my heart pounding against her back.
“I know this might upset you…” I take a deep breath. “But I think I need to go and get him.”
Natalia’s eyes fall away from my face.
If this is a dealbreaker…
Fuck, I would be wracked with guilt every day, but I’d probably leave him there if this is something she can’t handle.
I know it’s a lot to ask, that she would accept this reminder of a past life, a past relationship. I know a lot of women wouldn’t want that. I’d hoped Natalia would, but maybe it was just a fantasy.
“He wouldn’t have to move in with us,” I say. “I just want to track him down, make sure he’s okay. Fuck, Yuri can train him up or something, I don’t know.”
Natalia’s fingers tracing absent-minded patterns over my thigh.
When she turns back to me, fear crawls up my throat. Her eyes blaze with that fiery anger. I’m not scared of much, but my wife’s anger? That’s terrifying. We’re still working on trust, after everything that happened, and I thought honesty was the right approach.
I start to take it back. “It didn’t mean anything—”
“What kind of a bitch do you think I am that I wouldn’t be okay with this, Leks?”
My mouth falls open. Natalia surprises me every day.
“I’m furious that you kept this from me. And I’m even more furious that you thought I couldn’t handle it.”
I’m too relieved at what Natalia is saying to regret the way I told her.
“This means you’re okay with it?”
“Of course I’m fucking okay with it. You have a child — who is a maximum of ten years old — and you’ve left him in Russia for months? Alone?”
“I didn’t know how you’d respond,” I explain. “And I’ve had some other priorities to sort out here.”
“If you could bring Arkady Romanov over, you could bring Leonid.”
“That journey almost killed Arkady. Imagine what it would have done to a child, Natalia.”
She narrows her eyes and tosses her golden hair, as though she’s trying to assess whether I’m being serious.
“I didn’t want to leave him behind, Natalia. Not at all.”
“Fucking unbelievable.”
She folds her arms across her chest, clearly pissed off, but my heart is warm, my limbs light with relief.
I press my lips to her neck and she relaxes against me.
“Now I really think you need to stop spending time with Yuri. You’re cursing like a sailor, zolotse.”
“If you don’t get your ass to Russia in the next few days, we’re getting a divorce and I don’t trust you to raise our children.”
“Children?” I spin her around so that she’s facing me, placing her thighs on either side of my legs. “I wasn’t aware we were having multiple.”
“We’re not, until you prove you can look after the one you already have.”
I pull Natalia against me and inhale the rose and sugar scent of her hair.
I don’t mind it when my wife is angry at me, I decide. Not if I still get to hold her like this, and to know that she’s mine.
“Thank you,” I murmur against her ear. “For understanding. Even if you hate me for now.”
Natalia is silent for a moment, just breathing with me. Then she pulls back and strokes her fingers over my jaw, those green eyes liquid. “I’m sorry for what happened to you, Leks. I had no idea.”