Chapter 36 Not Fine
Not Fine
All citizens of childbearing capacity are obligated to fulfill their reproductive duties to ensure the survival and expansion of the State.
— NATIONAL STABILITY ACT, ARTICLE IV
After a long discussion, Theo agreed to let us stay in one of the abandoned rental cabins at the far edge of the property.
The scary guards escorted us from the basement emergency exit and through the barren winter forest at gunpoint.
Theo didn’t remove the flex cuffs from Lucas’s wrists until we were safely ensconced inside the cabin.
The three of us stood in a triangle.
The space was small and cold, with natural pine walls and cowhide furniture. A loft held a single bed at the top of a steep set of stairs.
Theo cleared his throat. “These facilities are used for covert teams to move on and off the property more quickly. I’ll make sure the others remain empty while you’re here.
Protection detail will change every six hours.
I’ll assign the same soldiers who agreed to your guard duties. They’re trustworthy men.”
I nodded, but Lucas raised a skeptical brow.
“I’ll do my best to keep the knowledge of your whereabouts hidden, but be careful. Sophia, you may leave only with an escort.” He eyed Lucas. “You are not to leave for any reason. You are under house arrest.”
“Yes, Uncle Theo,” Lucas said, glib as ever.
Theo’s eyes narrowed. “Williams and I will be in contact when we need to. Planning for the mission starts tomorrow. It will take place here. The reporter will arrive within a few days.” He sighed, his gaze dropping to his feet.
“Thank you, Theo.” I stepped closer, and he opened his arms for my hug. “I wish you would have told me the full story.”
“I was looking for a solution, but I didn’t want to get your hopes up. This was the best I could do.” He lapsed into silence.
Releasing him, I took in the space again and shivered. “Is there heat?”
“It’s on solar, but it can get chilly.” A few more seconds passed, and he nodded stiffly. “Right. I’ll leave you then.”
My small smile went unnoticed by him as he retreated into the icy February air. As soon as the door shut, Lucas locked it. His attention wandered to the windows, and he looked as if he wanted to board them up. I drifted his way, distracting him.
His gaze hooked on mine, and his entire body stilled. He lifted his hand, knuckles brushing my throat. “What now, Juliet? These violent delights have violent ends.”
“It’s not the end yet,” I whispered. “We found a small path.”
“A treacherous path.” He dropped his forehead to mine.
We were both right at the edge of losing everything we had, and I wasn’t certain how to move forward.
Each step had too much gravity, too many ways to fall, and the Defiance had backed us into a narrow corner.
There was no way left but forward—into the snake pit.
“At least I got you out of jail.”
He set a soft kiss on my lips. “I won’t sleep unless we cover the windows.”
Without complaint, I assisted in scooting a bookshelf to cover one and a large painting to hide the other, then settled onto the couch while he slipped into the shower—his first in days. Not long after we finally relaxed into the space, a knock pounded at the door.
Like a wolf, Lucas lunged to protect me, knees straddling my hips on the couch, one arm holding a knife toward the door.
“Where the hell did you get a knife?”
“No one ever checked my boots,” he said, predatory gaze fixed on the door.
“They knocked, Lucas. They aren’t here to attack us.”
He looked down at me, and a drip of water from his hair landed on my cheek. “Will you ever stop being naive?”
“Get off me! If you won’t answer it, I will.”
He unfolded himself from his crouched position, but didn’t lower his weapon as he swung the door wide.
Devon stood there smiling, but his hands flew up once he spotted the knife. Isaac jerked Dev behind his body, and beside them, Adam grinned.
“Can we come in, Soph?” Devon asked, peeking out from behind Isaac.
“So much for our whereabouts remaining hidden,” Lucas muttered, making a show of disarming himself, tossing the knife to a nearby table.
“We’re your guards, asshole,” Isaac said, pushing into the house. The others followed.
I locked the door behind them, and the five of us stood in strained silence.
Devon stared at Lucas without blinking. “You’re Lucas Scott.”
Lucas scraped a palm down his face while Adam broke into awkward laughter.
“Who are you people?” Lucas asked. Demanded, really.
“Think of us as the Sophia fan club,” Adam said, and I rolled my eyes at him.
“They’re my friends,” I said. “That’s Devon. And you know Isaac and Adam.”
“We’re just here to remind you that you have people in your corner,” Adam said.
“He’s in your corner.” Isaac pointed at Dev. “I happen to love him.”
Lucas chuckled, all bitterness and spite. “We have more in common than you think, Johnson.”
Isaac’s mouth twisted, but warmth bubbled in my chest, and I shot a smile Devon’s way.
“So was I right?” Adam asked. “About what they wanted?”
I nodded. “Extortion.”
He winced. “I wish I’d been wrong.”
“See?” I said to Lucas. “He’s on our side.”
He threw me a pitying expression. “He’s on your side, Juliet.”
“Yours too. I’m officially Adam.” He reached out a hand, and Lucas fixed his diamond-bright gaze on that invitation. His hesitation was likely only evident to me, but as he raised his hand to shake Adam’s, Lucas’s rolled sleeve revealed the Brotherhood Crosses branded into his arm, pink and shiny.
Adam missed a beat, but fell right back into character, pasting a friendly expression on his face. “I was there for the first attempts to cross the Ohio River. We hemorrhaged soldiers. Your intel was priceless. Saved a lot of lives.”
“The prisoner rescue too,” Isaac said, voice low and begrudging. “That was—”
“Game-changing,” Devon said.
Lucas scratched his neck, then peered closer at Adam. “I think I recognize you. You show up on a lot of combat missions. You fight like a grizzly bear.”
“Ha. Yeah. I’ve seen you too. I avoid you.”
Lucas hummed and looked at me. “See? That’s what sane people do. Avoid.”
I glared at him.
Suppressing his laughter, Adam turned for the door. “We’ll leave you alone. I know it’s been a rough week. I’m taking the first guard shift.”
Dev kissed my cheek while Isaac sped away without saying goodbye.
“Don’t worry about him. He’s on our side,” Dev whispered. “He’s just grumpy about it. Dr. Akbari said to tell you hi. She’d like to check on you both tomorrow and bring your stuff, if that’s okay with you.”
I nodded, and in a whirl, Lucas and I were alone again. Tension leaked from his body.
“This is going to be a long few days,” he said.
Reaching for him, I slipped into his arms, right where I belonged, and set my head against his chest. “At least we’re together.”
He kissed my crown. “At least you’re safe.”
That night, I sank into the softness of the musty bed while Lucas lay beside me, reading a book he’d found in a bedside drawer.
With him at my side once more, I was finally safe to explore the awful memories that had threatened to drown me for days.
I examined them one by one, then purged them from my mind.
When I remembered the way Jack Miller’s whiskers scratched my skin, I imprinted the image on photo paper in my mind and set fire to it, letting it curl and blacken.
When I thought of the pain, I etched the memory into metal and melted it.
I destroyed them all, hoping to permanently disrupt the neural pathways in my head.
I had a headache by the time I finished and settled back into the pillows.
I turned onto my side. Lucas wasn’t reading beside me like I thought. He regarded me with deep creases between his brows, his eyes bright with concern. “You’ve been staring at the wall without moving for twenty-seven minutes.”
“I’m fine.”
Dark, tousled waves fell into his eyes as he picked at the abandoned book in his lap. He started to say something, but stopped himself. He massaged the bridge of his nose. “Sophia…”
“Yes?”
“It’s okay to not be fine. Especially with me.”
I shrugged. “You’re probably right. But it doesn’t matter because I’m fine.”
Shuttering his expression, he opened his arms. “Come here.”
I crawled next to him and laid my head on his chest, letting him sign his name on my skin until I fell asleep.
As promised, Williams and Theo arrived the next morning with a posse of guards. To my ire, I was excused from the meeting and asked to keep myself busy for a few hours. Isaac escorted me back to the main building, and I offered my time to Dr. Grayson, who smiled.
“Of course, Sophia. We just got in some supplies that need stocking.”
Isaac sat in a corner while I went to work. Two other medics were on shift, but the three of us stuck to stilted conversation that remained firmly within our shared duties—wishing for better supplies, dreading the deadly wounds, reminiscing over particular injuries.
Neither of them mentioned Lucas.
Neither of them even looked me in the eye.
At some point, Zara brought me a bag of my effects, mostly clothes, but a few books and Lucas’s pager were stuffed in as well. She added some clothes for Lucas, and I thanked her through a throat thickened with grateful tears.
“You holding up?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” I said, smiling.
She squeezed my shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything. I’m going to come by later to check on his injuries.”
Isaac and I returned to the cabin a few hours later to find only Lieutenant Salinas remaining at the door. Of all our guards, he was the one I knew the least.
“Lieutenant,” Isaac said with a salute, relieving him of duty.
Inside the cabin, Lucas was brooding.
“What did they say?” I asked, throwing my bag onto the table.
He glanced up from his hands in his lap. “They want this mission done soon.”
My stomach dropped, and I sank onto the couch beside him. “How soon?”
“Couple of weeks.”
A couple of weeks.
Just a couple of weeks left.
At most.
I wanted to beg to go with him, but the ask was ridiculous. I was untrained, unskilled, loud and reckless. The mission would be harder and less successful if I accompanied him.
Still, I didn’t want to say goodbye.
I also didn’t want to discuss it.
I curled into his side, and we sat like that for a long time, holding on to each other as long as we could before they ripped us apart.
A few days later, I was searching through my bag for a pair of sweats when I came across the note I’d moved to my bedside drawer weeks ago.
Grief is like snow…
After Lucas had found it on my broken body the night I’d nearly bled out in his closet, I decided it was safer to keep where a Hunter couldn’t find it if I was captured.
Now that Lucas’s cover was blown, it didn’t matter if someone discovered it.
I tucked it right back into my bra where it belonged and continued rifling through the bag.
I froze as my fingers brushed a familiar pink foil packet. Lucas sensed my stillness and was at my side in an instant.
The letters on the packet were so friendly and welcoming, as if taking a pregnancy test was some sort of joyous occasion.
Silence descended over us until he slid a finger over the edge of the packet. “You haven’t taken one yet?”
I shook my head.
“Why not?”
I blew out a shaky breath. “What if it’s positive?”
A beat passed before he murmured a soft, “It could be mine.”
I thought back to that morning of hopelessness, when I’d been so desperate to keep any piece of him that I let him spill his seed right where I shouldn’t.
If I was pregnant, yes, it could belong to him. But the timing was too close. I couldn’t know for sure, and we had no way to stop this from happening to me.
No surgeries. No meds.
The NAO wanted women to fulfill their reproductive duties regardless of the circumstances. I was just another casualty of their blithe cruelty.
“I don’t want to take it,” I said, loathing the tremor in my voice.
His hand made gentle circles on my back. “Just pee in a cup, Sophia.”
“No.”
“I’ll do the rest. All you have to do is pee.”
I turned accusing eyes on him. “Don’t make it easy.”
He pulled me into his arms and trailed velvety kisses down my cheek. “You aren’t alone,” he said before he reached my mouth. “I’m with you. Until I die.”
Irritated by their frequent appearances, I huffed at the tears that spilled. His mouth caught mine in a kiss deeper than any we’d shared since the incident. I dropped the packet to the floor in favor of throwing my arms around his neck.
The kiss was thorough, but careful. He made no advances. He asked for nothing more. He touched me like I was something precious, as if hurting me was sacrilege.
When he pulled away and handed me a cup, a full minute passed before I dredged up the courage to fill it. My bladder wouldn’t cooperate.
It didn’t want to know either.
But finally, I managed it.
After dropping the glass onto the counter beside the toilet, I fled the bathroom without a backward glance, taking the steep stairs two at a time.
I dove under the covers of our bed, hiding in the dark.
Several minutes later, his near-silent footsteps followed me.
His weight sank into the mattress beside me.
I squeezed my eyes shut, but my hand slid from beneath the covers and he took it.
“It’s negative.”
I sobbed.
Negative.
Absolute proof of my freedom.
The wounds on my back had closed and turned pink. The bruises had faded. My reproductive tract lived to see another day.
“Lucas?” I murmured from under the covers.
“Hmm?”
“I’m not fine.”
“I know, sweetheart.”