Chapter 10 – Nalia
Ten
NALIA
Sitting in the middle of my bed with Zuri tucked against my side, we both smile as Samson shows the two of us and Javion, who is also on the FaceTime call, the plump black and white cat that he adopted two days ago.
“Are you sure he’s not a she and that she’s not pregnant?” Javion asks him when the cat rolls to its side on the bed so Samson can pet its belly.
“He’s a boy, so yes.”
“Are you sure about that?” I frown, catching a glimpse of nipples on its belly before he brings the phone back to his handsome face.
Unlike Sage, Zuri, and myself, both Samson and Javion know who their father is, and both of them are as handsome as he was and have his beautiful dark complexion, warm brown eyes, thick lashes, and tall lean frame.
“That’s what the shelter told me.”
“Maybe you should take it to the vet so they can confirm that for you,” Javion tells him.
“I will when I can get a little time off.” He focuses on Zuri. “How’s school going? Do you still like your teachers?”
“It’s good and yes.” She rests her head on my shoulder and lets out a yawn.
It’s a little after nine in the evening, and most nights she’s asleep by this time, but the guys sent a text and asked if we were around for a phone call, not long after Logan dropped us off at home.
And since it’s not always easy to coordinate with them between their jobs and the time difference with both of them being in Japan, I immediately messaged back yes.
The two of them were lucky enough to get stationed in the same country, but they are not at the same military base or exactly close, with Samson in Okinawa and Javion in Tokyo.
It sucks having them so far away, but I’m glad that they are at least able to visit each other when they can find the time.
“Any boys we need to beat up?” Javion asks her.
She laughs as she says, “No.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yes.”
“What about you, any guys we need to beat up?” he asks me and I roll my eyes.
“I’m good.”
“Still with Cole?” Samson asks, and I shake my head no while feeling Zuri turn to look at me. “What happened?”
“We just decided that long distance isn’t for us.
” It’s not completely a lie; it’s also not the whole truth, since I still need to talk to Cole and admit to him what happened with Logan and tell him that things are obviously not working out.
It’s not a conversation that I’m looking forward to, but I know it’s one I need to have.
“I’m sorry,” Samson says.
“It’s okay.”
“Do you think that you’ll be able to visit soon?” Zuri asks, changing the subject, something that I’m thankful for since the two of them are just as nosy as Harmony and Willow.
“I’m not sure things are kind of up in the air right now,” Javion says, then adds when he sees how disappointed she is. “But I’ll see if I can take leave in the spring.”
“I’ll see if I can do the same,” Samson tells her.
“Can we have your bedroom if we come?” Javion asks her, and she shakes her head no. “Seriously, you’ll make us sleep on the floor?”
“We have an air mattress you can use.”
“Wow, thanks,” Samson says as they both laugh.
“You’re welcome.” She yawns again, curling deeper into my side.
“Ready for bed?” I kiss the top of her head.
“Yeah,” she mumbles.
“Go on and brush your teeth and get on your PJs. I’ll be in to tuck you in in just a few minutes.”
“Okay.” She yawns again.
“Love you, kiddo,” Javion tells her.
“Love you, pinky, night,” Samson says.
“Love you, too.” She tells the two of them, then crawls over me to get out of bed. When she’s out of the room, I look back at my phone when Javion asks.
“Is she gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you heard from Sharon recently?”
“She’s sent a couple of e-mails to Zuri, but she hasn’t called me in a while.
” I glance towards the bedroom door when I hear the sink down the hall turn on, then lower my voice.
“The last time we spoke, she asked if I could help her hire a new attorney, and I told her I didn’t have the money to do that.
She hasn’t called since then, so I think she’s mad at me. ”
“You’re taking care of her child and had to move across the US,” Javion growls. “How are you going to have extra money for an attorney?”
“You know how she is,” I mutter.
“Yeah, selfish,” Samson rumbles, and I chew the inside of my cheek.
Neither Samson nor Javion has a great relationship with Sharon.
Their relationship with her was turbulent growing up, and it hasn’t improved over the years.
It didn’t help that Sharon had a horrible relationship with their father, Quinn, or that she used both boys to toy with him, which is something they felt the impact of because it meant that they missed out on time with their dad.
And unfortunately, Quinn passed away before either Samson or Javion were old enough to advocate for themselves.
And although I know they care about her because she is their mom, there is a lot of resentment there, so I’m not sure it goes much deeper than that.
“Do you two need anything?” Javion asks after a long moment, and I shake my head.
“No, we’re good.”
“You sure?” Samson asks.
“Promise, we’ve got everything we need, we’re settled, and I think Zuri’s happy.”
“Of course she’s happy, she has you,” Samson tells me, then adds softly. “Since she was little, all she’s wanted is to spend all her time with you.”
“Yeah, but she doesn’t have her mom,” I remind him, and his mouth forms a hard line.
“I know,” I continue gently, “that you believe that Zuri is better off without Sharon around, and you could be right about that in some ways, but that doesn’t mean she might not feel like she’s missing out, just like you missed out on time with your dad. ”
“Whoa.” Javion shakes his head. “That’s totally different. Sharon is still alive, and the only reason she’s not around is because of her own selfish decisions.”
“Of course. You’re right,” I mumble with a pit in my stomach. “I just mean that I’m not a replacement for her mom.”
“You can’t replace something that was never there, Nalia. Yes, Sharon is her mother, but that doesn’t mean that she is her mom. Those are two totally different things. You know that better than any of us since you got a mother, a good one.”
I do. I have the best mother in the world and the best parents in the world, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
But that doesn’t mean that there weren’t times in my life where I wondered if I was missing out on something, even if that was some fake reality I had made up in my head.
And that is something that most people, including my brother, who was taken from the same situation as I was and grew up just like I did, do not understand.
Most people don’t understand. Heck, there are times that I still don’t completely get why I was so set on having a relationship with Sharon.
“Do you even know why she calls you Namalama?” Javion asks.
“What?”
“The nickname Zuri gave you when she was little, do you know why she started calling you that?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “She couldn’t say my name.”
“No, Nalia, it’s because she would yell that she wanted her mom anytime you weren’t around, and Sharon would get pissed because she knew that Zuri was calling you mom and that she wanted you.”
“What?” My stomach bottoms out.
“It was a whole thing, but Zuri’s always been smart, so she came up with Namalama knowing that Sharon wouldn’t get that she was still calling you mom but doing it in a way that wouldn’t get her in trouble.”
Oh my god.
“I…”
“You’re her safe place, you’ve always been that.”
“Namalama,” Zuri calls out, making me jump, and I quickly wipe at my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater.
“Hey.” I look to where she is standing in the door frame of my bedroom.
“My teeth are brushed,” she says, scanning my face, and I hope she can’t tell that I was on the verge of crying.
“I’ll be there in just a second.” I force a smile, and she nods before turning and walking away.
“Okay.” I focus back on Samson and Javion. “I’m going to get her tucked in, but we’ll call you both soon.”
“Sure,” Javion says.
“Yeah, hug her for me,” Samson says.
“Hug her for me too,” Javion says, and I nod then tell them both goodnight and hang up.
Leaving my cell behind, I get out of bed and pad down the hall to Zuri’s room and step through the door.
With only the glow of the night light that illuminates the celling like the cosmos, I can barely make out her shadowy form tucked under her covers.
“Your brothers said to give you hugs.” I take a seat on the edge of her mattress and rest my hand against the side of her face.
“I miss them.”
“I know you do. Hopefully, they’ll be able to come visit soon.”
“I hope so.” She yawns.
“Are you excited about your first soccer practice after school tomorrow?”
“A little, I wonder if anyone I know will be there.”
“Probably.” I smooth my hand down her cheek, and her eyes droop.
“Can we go to Cooper’s game Saturday?”
“I’m not sure, honey. I promised grand… I mean, Sophie and Nico, that we’d get together this weekend.”
“You can call them my grandma and grandpa.”
“I…”
“They said I could make up a name for them like Cooper has for his Gigi and Pops.” She cuts me off then mumbles, “But I can’t think of anything else to call them.”
“I think they would love it if you called them grandma and grandpa.”
“I never had a grandma or grandpa.” Oh god, I’m going to cry.
“You do now.”
“Yeah,” she agrees, sounding like she’s already half asleep.
“I’ll see you in the morning.” I lean down and kiss the top of her head, and she doesn’t move. Getting off the bed, I tuck the blanket up around her shoulders, then lean over to turn on the white noise machine before I start for the door.
“Namalama.”
“Yeah?” I turn towards her with my hand on the door handle.
“I love you.”
“Love you, too,” I whisper through the ache in the back of my throat.
Dragging my eyes off her, I close the door and walk down the hall to the kitchen.
After pouring myself a glass of water, I lean back against the counter and stare at the fridge that is covered with photos, magnets from places I’ve visited, some with Zuri, pieces of her art that are all bright and colorful, the A she got on her last spelling test, and our calendar with lots of plans written into the boxes.
Growing up, my fridge at home was always covered the same way with mine and my siblings’ drawings or things Mom thought were important and wanted to show off.
Thinking about it, I try to remember Sharon’s fridge.
I don’t remember things decorating the front of it, but I do remember the fridge in my apartment back in Colorado always had lots of Zuri’s school art on it.
Maybe it’s just an insignificant coincidence, but I can’t help but think about what having our fridge covered with randomness meant to me growing up, and what Javion said, coupled with Zuri telling her friend I was her mom.
It’s difficult to think about in some ways because I can remember all the times over the years I left Zuri behind to go on vacation, to visit my family for the holidays or to just spend time with friends, and I hate thinking about how me leaving her behind might have made her feel.
Did she resent me in those moments or doubt that I cared about her?
I hope not. I let out a long breath and turn to rinse out my glass before I place it in the dishwasher.
I guess none of it matters now, from here on out it’s the two of us. I will do the best I can to be someone that she can look up to and count on.