Chapter 44
When did I lose all hope?
When did I begin to realize that I was never getting out of here, and no one was ever coming for me?
It didn’t take all that long.
The island is very small. Smaller than the castle grounds of Ellyar.
Otherwise, we’d probably take up residence here, since there are no predators that stalk the night.
It’s mainly used as a secondary training camp for the soldiers of Ellyar.
There’s usually only a few dozen of them, and they have their own barracks that they stay in on the other side of the island.
Here, the only things that haunt me in the night are my nightmares.
Phaedra and I are the only people in this tiny castle. It’s two stories high, and only as wide as perhaps our grand ballroom back home. Every couple of weeks, a ship will dock and drop off supplies. Yes, I’ve tried to sneak on the boat when they leave. I failed every time.
They tightened up security after several of my failed attempts, and the soldiers never come near the castle. I’m not sure if they have orders not to or what.
That rule was probably more strictly enforced after one of them found his way here one night, and I killed him. I didn’t want to. But he was attacking Phaedra. Forcing himself on her. It was obvious by her terrified screams, and I didn’t hesitate.
It was my first kill. Of an elf, at least. I killed that beast in the forest when Gaethri was slaughtered, of course. How could I forget.
And now that memory haunts me, along with all the others. Regardless of what he did, it still left a mark on me.
That was shortly after we arrived here, almost a year ago. Nothing has disrupted our days since. I almost wish something would.
I’m spending more time in the library today, with my bottle that I found hidden above the sink in the middle of an empty cupboard.
I’m deep in a riveting story about an Elven king and his journey to greatness, on my fifth eye roll, when I hear the door.
“I found your hiding spot far too easily,” I say without glancing up.
“I’ll have to try harder next time.”
My blood turns to water more frigid than the sea surrounding us. I don’t want to look, but I can’t leave my back to him either. I whip my head around as I stand, backing up.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I hiss.
Adrian crosses his arms over his chest, looking like he’s maintaining his patience for a petulant child. “I’m on assignment. And… I may have requested it. I wanted to check on how you’re doing.”
“I’m doing fucking splendid. Now goodbye.” I move for the door, but he steps to the side, blocking me. I halt before I run into him. I don’t want to fucking touch him.
“Get the fuck out of my way. I have nothing to say to you. As you can see, I’m doing great. I don’t need you checking on me.” I hold my hands out, the bottle in one hand. Because of course I’m not leaving that behind.
Adrian looks me up and down. I don’t miss the surprise in his eyes.
I rarely look in the mirror anymore, so I’m not certain what he sees, but his gaze is very telling as it drifts over my unkempt hair, the bottle in my hand, my wrinkled pants, and the thin, stained white shirt that hangs off my frame.
As for him, he looks older. More filled out. Short, thick black hair lines his jaw.
“I came to make amends, Elysande.” His eyes meet mine, and he has the audacity to look at me like he wants forgiveness or something. Never. “I miss you.”
I approach him as I switch the bottle from my right hand to my left. He looks unsure, but he’s becoming more hopeful with every step I take toward him. I stop directly in front of him and look up at him with a smile.
“This is for her.” I wind my fist back, and I punch him in the face.
As my fist connects with his stupid, pompous cheek, a jolt of pain shoots through my hand. He jerks back as a surprised grunt slips out of him. Nothing more.
I take the opportunity to sidestep around him and dart out the doorway. “Stay the fuck out of my castle you piece of shit!” I call back over my shoulder as I scurry up the stairs and shut myself in my room.
He doesn’t follow.
Slamming the door, the silence in the room is deafening as my ears begin to ring and the anger and the sadness begin to rush in in a painful assault. I pace my room, shaking out my hand.
How dare he come here.
How dare he show his fucking face and make all these memories jump back to the forefront of my mind, the pain now as sharp as they were a year ago.
I take another sip from the bottle, then I close my eyes and lean back against a wall. The image of her being shot off her horse plays out in my mind as clearly as if it were happening right in front of me all over again.
I squeeze my eyes tighter in an attempt to erase it from my mind, like I’ve become so skilled at doing.
Unsuccessful, I open my lids, turn, and punch my mirror as I shout.
I feel nothing this time, but the blood dripping from my knuckles tells me I should be feeling something.
The problem is, I’ve barely felt anything in a long time.
And now it’s all rushing in.
I take another sip. And another.
Someone taps gently on the other side of my door as I wrap my hand.
“Who is it?”
“Phaedra.”
I halt what I’m doing.
“Go away, please. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? I heard… noises.” Her voice is muffled through the door.
“Yes, I’m sure. But beware downstairs. There’s a captain of the guards you should steer clear of. He’ll ruin your life.”
“O…kay.”
She doesn’t say anything further, so I resume wrapping.
As I look down at it, focusing hard through my hazy sight, my shoulders begin to shake just before the tears come.
A couple of sobs escape me, and I try to choke them back, but I end up letting out a high-pitched, uneven cry instead. I drop my hands in defeat, the injured one partially wrapped, and I collapse onto my bed. I curl into a ball and let the violent, angry, full-body sobs consume me.
~
Eventually I wake having no clue what day or time it is. I don’t care. I lie in bed staring at my broken mirror, my eyes feeling severely swollen, and let my thoughts spiral.
Meela. Daegan. Gaethri. Rhydra. Raef.
Half are dead, and the other half… I don’t know.
I haven’t allowed myself to think about where Daegan is in a long time. If he’s being tortured, I can’t think about that.
But he also promised me. He promised he’d come for me. Said he’d burn the world down to find me. This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to admit… that I’m angry at him. And I think I have been this whole time, even if I won’t admit it.
I know that’s not fair, but I’ve been messed up in the head for a year.
I wonder if they continued on without me. They must have rescued him by now. Raef would not have rested until he got his brother out of that dungeon.
The thought fills me with a flicker of hope that I haven’t felt in a while. I haven’t allowed myself to think about him at all, truthfully. It hurts too much.
Surely, they don’t really need me anymore. Yes, I have Maethrel’s blood, but visiting him and retrieving more would be easier than tracking me down and worrying about the burden that I am again. I only get people captured and killed.
I hope they’re out there doing it.
The order.
Or what’s left of it.
When I first got here, I tried to build a fucking boat.
I cannot build a boat. I don’t even have the materials, and there are no books in the library on building boats.
Then I tried to sneak onto the supply drop-off boats, and the ones that bring soldiers on and off the island every few weeks or so.
They keep the boats heavily guarded, and the best weapon I could find in my miniature castle was a kitchen knife.
I finally climb out of bed, putting something on that I barely glance at, then head downstairs. I pause on the stairwell when I hear faint voices.
Tilting my head so my ear is angled better, I still can’t make out what the muffled voices are saying, so I step closer.
It’s Phaedra… and Adrian. What the fuck is he doing here again. Is this going to be a daily thing?
That’s not going to work for me.
“…anyone been here on the island? Anyone to see her? Anyone who shouldn’t be here?”
“No… like who?”
“We had an escaped prisoner a while ago. Thought he might have shown his face here by now.”
My heart stops.
“Who?” she asks, sounding concerned. If they’re talking about who I think they might be, she has no reason to be concerned. He’s not coming for me. Clearly, since he’s been out for a while and hasn’t shown his face here.
“No one important.”
“Okay.”
“She’s uh… not been so great, has she?”
“She drinks excessively every single day. She never goes outside. Stares off into space a lot. I don’t know… was she like that before?”
There’s a long pause. “No.”
I hear someone pull out a chair and stand, so I bolt back upstairs. I don’t want to see his face again.
Finding the bottle I left on the bedside table, I grab it and take a few swigs. I think maybe I’ll stay in my room the rest of the day.
I end up getting wasted, feeling hopeful that it’s Daegan who escaped, and feeling shitty that I’m still stuck here. I drink until I black out.
~
I wake feeling a strange sense of clarity. I can tell that I slept for a very, very long time, and I have to wipe at my puffy, crusty eyes as I open them and face the day with a clean slate.
Something happens as I stare at the cracked mirror again.
He’s free.
I know it.
And I can’t wait around here for him to come and save me. He has more important things to do. I hope he doesn’t.
But that doesn’t mean I have to keep sitting around here while I’m bombarded with Adrian’s unbearable presence every day. I can’t do it.
I step out of bed, my chest high, not even bothering to change as I head out of my room. I exit the castle and march down to the beach.
I try to look ahead at the water, avoiding glancing down, but it’s impossible. The brown sand has always reminded me of his wild, untamed hair. A lump fills my throat.
But I continue on.
I stop at the edge of the water, the last dredges of a wave splashing against my bare toes, and the frigid cold awakens something in me.
I take my shirt and pants off, throwing them to the ground, leaving me in my undergarments. I take a step into the water, followed by another, and another.
The ice-cold water envelopes my calves, then my knees, then my thighs.
I don’t stop.
I dive in, and I begin to swim.
Swimming is a lot easier when you can command the water around you. Now, I’m working for every stroke, controlling my breathing as I glide through the cold water.
A year of drinking poison, eating everything in sight, and sitting around doing nothing has not helped me. Breathing gets harder a lot sooner than I anticipated. I glance back at the shore behind me, and for a moment, I get a taste of something I lost a long time ago. Hope. Freedom.
I float in the middle of the lapping water, feeling more at peace than I have in a long time.
But it doesn’t last.
By my estimation, I’d have to swim all day to reach the shoreline of the mainland. I can’t even see it from here.
With great reluctance, I turn around and swim back to the island before I run out of energy and drown just off the shore.
If I do this again, I’ll need to gauge my energy realistically and make sure I turn around with enough energy to make it all the way back.
I cannot simply go out one way until I reach exhaustion. That will mean certain death.
There’s no one out here to save me.
I sit on the beach when I return, looking out at the water I just traversed.
One day.
I can make it.
I look down, running the sand through my fingers, and a single tear falls down my cheek.
“Elysande?” A high-pitched voice calls out to me. The voice is coated with surprise. And concern.
I stand, putting my clothes back on slowly, unashamed of my curves that have softened and expanded over the year.
“You went for a swim?” Her voice still drips with shock.
“Yes.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.” I look at Phaedra. I haven’t been unkind to her this past year, but I haven’t exactly been warm either.
The two of us are both trapped here. Perhaps she’s been craving some companionship, only for me to shut her out at every turn.
She looks sad, with her sunken dark eyes, pale skin, and even paler blonde hair.
She doesn’t say anything.
“Do you want to join me tomorrow?”
“W—why?”
“I’m going to swim off this island.”
Her mouth parts and her brows pinch in concern. “You can’t. That’s too far.”
“It’s not. I just need to train my muscles. A little bit every day. I used to love swimming when I was younger.”
“But… how? What if you push too far and run out of energy in the middle of the cold sea?”
“Then I die.”
Her mouth drops. She’s appalled by this entire idea.
“Look, I’m doing this either way. But I didn’t want to leave you behind, so I wanted to offer. We can practice together every day.”
“I… I can’t. I can’t do that.” She shakes her head.
“Okay. Then when I get off, I’ll send a boat for you.”
Her brows pinch together even more. “Is this because of your visitor last night?”
My expression goes cold. “No.”
“Okay. Just be careful.”
“I will.”
We head inside, I change, and then we have lunch together. We don’t talk much.
And when we’re rudely interrupted by an unwanted guest who wants to talk to me again, I stand from the table, avoid his eyes, and storm out.
When I return to my room, the bottle is still on the bedside table.
I have a drink, then another, and another. I stay in my room all night, drunk, feeling like I want to cry. But no tears form.