July 20 #9
It took her far too long (in her own estimation) to react appropriately.
She sat on the bed like a frozen idiot for what seemed like an hour, even though the clock would have shown it was only thirty seconds.
Finally, Sienna managed to get up and move to him, dropping to her knees and wrapping an arm around his back as he shook violently.
She could hear Dean’s voice coming through the tiny holes of the cordless phone. “Zane? You still there?”
He grunted out a yes.
“I need to go call Steve and Russ.”
“Yeah, of course.”
“I’ll call you in the morning, okay?”
“Okay.”
Zane hung up, and the two hugged each other and cried. “Oh, Zane, I can’t believe it.”
He tucked his head into her shoulder and sobbed.
“Do they know what happened?”
Pulling back, he shook his head. “Not yet. His housekeeper found him.” He scrubbed his face with both hands, then sniffled and took a deep breath. “I gotta go.”
Standing up quickly, he hurried to the sink to rinse out his mouth.
Sienna made her way to the nightstand, putting the phone back on the receiver, then watched as Zane rushed into the walk-in closet, returning a few seconds later in a black T-shirt and a pair of faded jeans.
He looked at her, his eyes red and puffy.
His words were frantic. “I have to go. I can’t stay here. ”
“Where?” Sienna asked, fear gripping her. She already knew where he was going.
“I need to be with the band.”
“It’s late. You’re upset. Why not wait until tomorrow?”
He shook his head. “There’s no way I’m going to sleep tonight. None of us will.” He strode across the room and gave her a kiss on her forehead. “Love you.”
She reached up to grab his arm, but he was already on the move. “Wait. Zane.”
“I’ll see you in the morning.”
Getting out of bed, she followed him down the long hallway. “But where are you going?”
“I’m not sure. I’ll figure it out when I’m on the road. We’ll probably all end up at Steve’s so we don’t wake anyone up.” He jammed his feet into his old Vans and grabbed the keys to his Jag off the hook.
“No, please stay. I have an awful feeling about this.”
“You have an awful feeling because something terrible just happened.” His face screwed up with the pain and shock of losing one of his best friends. Opening the door that led to the garage, he said, “Get some sleep if you can.”
Then he was gone, leaving Sienna in an echo of silence.
She stood in the mudroom for a long time after the sound of the car pulling away and the overhead door closing had stopped.
Her skin grew cold, and her mind raced. Somehow, she knew that whatever was about to happen would make everything infinitely worse than it already was, but there was nothing she could do to stop it.
ZANE
Zane rounded the corner from their house, then pulled over and dialed Claudia’s number. She was crying when she answered. He said only three words, then listened to the answer and hung up.
“What’s your address?”
It was nearly eleven o’clock when he arrived on her quiet street.
Her house was the only one with any lights on, and she was sitting on the front step with her arms wrapped around her legs, waiting for him.
His movements were quick, urgent, and grief-laden as he rushed to the only other person who would understand the crushing guilt.
She stood up when he reached her. They embraced right there on the lawn under the night sky. They sobbed. They held each other’s faces and whispered about how sorry they both were and how they each blamed themselves and no, you shouldn’t. It was me.
The decision to have sex wasn’t really a decision at all.
It was the most natural thing to do. It started and neither of them stopped it.
They weren’t able to. He lifted her off her feet and carried her through the front door, shutting it with his foot while they shared their first real kiss.
It was deep and painful and perfect in its own way.
It was exactly what they both needed to keep them from dying of sorrow.
It was enough to start the ball rolling.
They didn’t sip wine or laugh or talk. They didn’t slowly make their way to the bedroom.
They didn’t even fully undress. They had sex right there in the cozy front entry, up against the wall, desperate to make each other and themselves feel anything other than the pain that threatened to pull them under.
It was Mike’s worst nightmare. The thing that would hurt him more than anything else they could’ve done that night.
But then again, he’d hurt them both too, in an unforgivable way that would leave an indelible stain on both their souls.
It was a revenge fuck. It was the connection they’d both been craving.
It was long overdue. It was what they’d both wanted from the first time they sang together all those years ago.
It was unstoppable. Inevitable. Pure. Sloppy.
With fumbling hands and quick, powerful thrusts. It was wrong.
And when it was over, they stood panting, but not smiling.
Raw, numb, and knowing that the pain would return far sooner than they thought it would.
It was already back. Accompanied by shame.
Instant remorse. The self-hatred Zane knew would come because he’d felt it dozens of times.
Every time he did this. With all those women around the globe who made him feel like a man.
The ones who opened themselves up to him, who wanted just a taste of his power and fame and talent.
The ones who wanted a story to tell their girlfriends.
The ones he’d forgotten almost as soon as it was over, who would remember him with a secret smile to themselves until they were old and wrinkled and gray.
But shouldn’t he be allowed to do this? He, who brought so much joy to the world?
He, who gave his family a life beyond anyone’s wildest dreams?
Sienna could have and do anything she wanted.
Even better, she never had to do anything she didn’t want to do.
She was a princess in a fairytale that he had written for her.
And what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
It wasn’t about her. It didn’t mean he didn’t love her, because, by God, he loved his wife and would until his dying day.
She was his partner in life, the mother of his children, his best friend.
But the artist in him needed this from time to time.
Inspiration. Connection. A reward of his own making.
And so, he gave himself this and returned home settled and happy again, the unrelenting restlessness at bay once again.
If anything, he did this for his family.
To keep the peace. To make him stay. To allow him to be the man they needed.
He permitted himself this one little vice, and in doing so, he was a better man.
But this was different. Claudia was different.
She was so much more when she shouldn’t be.
She was nothing like his wife. Fuller and softer and shorter and tighter.
She smelled sweet and delicious. She tasted new.
She was exactly what he imagined she’d be thousands of times when he was alone in a hotel room with her down the hall in bed with his best friend.
And his feelings for her were what led them to exactly where they were and what they had just done.
Mike knew. Sienna could feel it. Hell, he was pretty sure Sienna guessed where he was going before he did and had tried to stop him.
It would be a tightrope walk when he went back home.
He already knew he’d use his grief to shut down any questions she would have in the morning.
And that’s what really made him a bastard.
It wasn’t only the cheating. It was the lying and evading and suggesting she was crazy.
How can you accuse me of something like that?
Right now? When my best friend just took his own life?
He was an asshole, pure and simple. He could dress it up however he wanted to, but that was the truth. Zane knew it and so did Claudia. He could see it in her eyes as she stared up at him. And he could see that she didn’t care. She wanted him anyway. And she always would.
APRIL 1996
CLAUDIA
It happened two more times since Mike died.
Each time, Claudia hated herself more than the last time.
On the night of the funeral, Zane showed up at one in the morning.
She knew he would from the way he looked at her at the reception.
They hugged right there in the open for everyone to see, and it gave her a little thrill, even though nothing about that feeling was okay.
Of course they would hug. It would have been a tip-off to everyone if they hadn’t.
But there was a brief instant during their embrace where they each signaled to each other—him with that extra pressure from his hand on her lower back, her by gripping his suit jacket with a balled-up fist between them.
She’d never seen him in a suit before. He was beyond handsome like that.
Dignified. Powerful. Even when tears streamed down his face as he carried Mike’s coffin.
She ached to wipe those tears away and hold him close right there at the gravesite.
Instead, she had to watch as Sienna rubbed his back with her hand, her massive diamond engagement ring glinting in the sun.
But his wife didn’t matter when he showed up that night.
Mike didn’t matter. It was about the two of them and what they shared.
It was separate from anything else on the planet.
It was no one else’s business because no one else was inside their minds and hearts.
No one else had the burden of loving Mike the way they did.
No one else would ever understand this. And so, it just belonged to them.