Chapter March 12, 1997
RESEDA, CALIFORNIA
SIENNA
Kylie called as Sienna was finishing the last bite of her Whopper. She picked up her phone while she was still chewing and said a muffled hello.
“Burger King run?”
“How’d you know?”
“I think we synced up when I came to visit. I just polished off a pint of chocolate ice cream,” Kylie answered. “So? Is your husband moving back in?”
A swell of pride caused Sienna to sit a fraction of an inch taller. “I told him I wasn’t ready.”
“Good for you! How’d that feel?”
“It was okay. I mean, a little scary, but then after I said it, I realized the world didn’t burst into flames or anything.”
“And how did he handle it?”
“I could tell he wasn’t happy, but he had the sense not to whine about it. Plus, I’m already going to the concert, and that’s a huge freaking ask.”
“You’re still planning to go, despite my most excellent advice to the contrary?”
“I owe it to Mike.”
“I guess. So? Did what’s-his-nuts figure out an alternative place to live?”
Sienna had a sip of her milkshake. “He just bought the house he’s in. It’s easier that way.”
“Problem solved. How are the kids taking it?”
“Not great. They argue over every little thing under the sun. And yesterday, Parker punched a boy at judo and gave him a bloody nose, so his sensei told him he’s not allowed to go to the competition this weekend, which is devastating for him.
Judo is the only thing he feels good about lately.
I get why his sensei did it, but still …
my heart.” She put one hand over her chest, even though no one was there to see it.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Poor kid.”
She picked up another fry. “It hardly seems fair, to be honest. I have half a mind to go talk to the head of the dojo. Everyone there knows what’s going on with Zane and me. Well, not really, but you know. They could cut him some slack, couldn’t they?”
“They could, but would it help Parker? Like, in the long run isn’t it better if he learns to control his temper now, instead of when he’s a man and winds up with a criminal record?”
“I suppose, but doesn’t it seem cruel to make the poor kid learn that at the same time that his whole life is falling apart?”
“Or maybe it’s better to get all the shit over with at once…”
“Hmph, yeah, maybe.” The subject of her son felt too raw to talk about.
She knew Kylie loved Parker, but she didn’t understand the pain of watching your child learn life’s hardest lessons.
She decided to veer the conversation in a safer direction.
“I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what you said, about a new career. ”
“Oooh! Really?!”
“Well, daydreaming a little. I think I would’ve liked to have been Martha Stewart in another life.”
“You mean you want to make people feel bad about their homes and their culinary skills?”
Dipping another fry in some ketchup, she popped it in her mouth. “That’s not what she does. She’s turned domestic pursuits into an art form—teaching women how to make everything in their homes and yards beautiful.”
“Meh, I think she set the bar too high for most women to reach.”
“Says the runway model turned luxury brand designer,” Sienna answered.
“Regular people don’t even see my line in the stores they’re at, so it doesn’t affect them, anyway. Martha’s got her magazine on every check-out rack at every Walmart in America. Plus, she shows up on the TV every day, showing off all her ‘good things.’”
“You got me there. But think of it this way: a person can cook a meal, let’s say macaroni from a box with some cut-up wieners in it.
It’ll fill you up, but it’s not special, and if you make that, you’re telling yourself you’re not special.
You’re just macaroni and wieners.” She took a bite of her fry and kept talking.
“But if you make spaghetti with a homemade sauce made from things you picked in your own garden and have it with … I don’t know …
braised lamb, you’re treating yourself like a queen. ”
“Braised lamb ain’t cheap like wieners.”
“True, but you don’t need a lot of money to make your home beautiful.
You need time to hit up some flea markets and secondhand stores.
And when you make things special every day, you wind up having a special life.
” She swallowed the fry. “Anyway, not that I’ll be the next Martha.
It’s just something fun to take my mind off my current situation. ”
“You know, you might be onto something there. You could be Budget Martha.”
“Eww…”
“Snob,” Kylie said. “That’s obviously not how you’d position yourself, but that would be the idea. A special life on any budget.”
“Huh, that could actually work. I mean, if I wasn’t swamped with raising children and figuring my entire life out.”
“Would it have to be tomorrow? What if it happened a decade from now?”
“I’d be in my fifties.”
“Martha Stewart was fifty when she started her magazine.”
Sienna furrowed her brow. “No, seriously?”
“True story. Your life’s not winding down, Sienna. Not unless you let it.”
“I honestly can’t do anything big right now. The kids need me more than ever.”
“What about doing something big, but doing it slowly to fit it into your life?”
Excitement sparked inside Sienna’s like a match striking sandpaper. “Huh, maybe I could.”
“Think about it. You deserve to have something that is only yours. Something that will give you a sense of purpose outside of being a mother or a wife. You’re intelligent and you have a lot to offer the world besides your beauty.”
“Thank you,” Sienna said. “I need to hear that every once in a while.”
“Yes, you do, because your stupid husband certainly never said it.”
Sienna opened her mouth to protest, then shut it. Zane was stupid. If he wasn’t, he would have one less child.
“Speaking of stupid husbands,” Kylie said. “Have you given any thought to kicking him to the curb permanently?”
“There is very little else I think about,” Sienna said, taking a sip of her shake.
“I’m leaning more towards ending it at the moment, but that seems to change day by day.
Right now, I’m supremely pissed off at him because the PR team set up a big photo shoot and interviews with the band, Claudia, and her new offspring. ”
“Oh, God, seriously?”
“Yes. People and Entertainment Tonight. At least it would’ve been softball questions. No hard-hitting journalists that’ll fact check the story.”
“It’s all so gross,” Kylie answered.
“Agreed. But in a perverted way, I only have myself to blame.”
“Oh, come on, this isn’t what you had in mind when you came up with the plan.”
“Yeah, well, if I’d given it more than a couple of hours of thought on no sleep, I might have been able to see where it would go. But I rushed into it, like I did when I met him. I’m twenty years older but no wiser.”
“You’re being a little hard on yourself. Zane put you in an impossible situation. You came up with a solution while he was sitting around crying in his soup.”
“Unfortunately, my solution is forcing my stupid husband to spend time with his stupid lover and their stupid adorable baby.” She had a sip of milkshake, wishing it had an ounce of vodka in it.
“He called me after it was over and said it was hard, but not because he has feelings for her. He can’t stand lying to the guys.
And he said it was weird to see the baby. Like some warped déjà vu.”
“God, he made such a giant mess of your lives.”
“Yes, he did. But hopefully this will be the worst part. Eventually everyone will accept things the way they are. Someday I might even forget about it for a few weeks here and there.”
“I hate that you’re going through this. Let me rephrase that: This whole thing makes me hate Zane with the passion of a million suns.”
“Thanks. I can’t help but feel a whole heap of resentment whenever I think about all of it.” Sienna leaned her head against the seat. “You know what? Sometimes I think that if I could go back to 1975, I’d tell myself not to sleep with him.”
“But then you wouldn’t have the kids.”
“I’d still have them. But I should’ve made him leave his wife first,” Sienna answered. “Not made him. You can’t make Zane do anything. I should’ve refused to cross that line until his marriage was officially over.”
“And how would that have helped?”
“It would’ve set the ground rules up front.”
“Please don’t tell me you think you’re to blame for Zane’s wandering dick.”
“No, obviously not,” she said, “but this whole thing has made me think about Angela. I’ve been thinking about your question—whether maybe Zane begged her too.
I was so stupid to trust he wouldn’t do it to me.
She tried to warn me, you know. And I didn’t believe her.
Maybe I’m getting what I deserve. Like karma or something. ”
“You don’t believe in karma.”
“True, but don’t you think that maybe, if I’d made it clear that cheating was absolutely unacceptable, he wouldn’t have done it?”
“Not for a second. And that sounds an awful lot like you’re taking the blame, Sienna.”
“It’s nuanced.”
“Is it?”
“Yes.” Sienna’s tone was firm.
“Do you think if you had told him no that night, you still would’ve ended up together?”
“Absolutely.” That was a lie. Deep down she knew if she had turned him down that first night, he would’ve forgotten all about her.
But that wasn’t something she could admit, not even to herself.
“Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I can’t go back and change anything.
I can only go forward and get through the next few months, no matter what happens. ”
“That’s true, but listen, this is good. You’ve realized that when you rush a decision, you end up regretting it.
And, maybe Zane spending time with Claudia will be positive.
Like a test. Better to find out now if he’s still got feelings for her than to take him back only for him to leave you for her later. ”
“Urgh, that’s a possibility I don’t even want to think about,” Sienna answered, glancing at the clock on her dashboard. “Anyway, it’s late. I better get home.”
“All right. I’m glad we got a chance to catch up. Remember, you deserve the world, okay? And before you make any life-altering decisions, call me.”
“You’ll only try to talk me out of them.”
“If they include a future with a serial cheater, then yes, I will absolutely try to talk you out of it. But if you want to talk more about your future life as a more accessible Martha Stewart, expect nothing but cheering.”
Sienna chuckled, feeling much better than when she answered the phone. “Okay, thank you, my friend.”
“Anytime. You’re one of my favorite people. You know that, right?”
“Yes, I do. Back at you.”
“Good night.”
“Night.”
Sienna ended the call, then disposed of the garbage and drove home feeling more optimistic about her future than she had since she’d found out about the baby.
She could see an alternate life for herself that included a career she loved, more time with friends, and maybe even a new love someday.
Someone who would appreciate her strength as much as her softness.
Someone who respected her mind. It would be hard as hell to untangle herself from Zane.
Rough for the children, of course. But maybe if a new, more confident version of Sienna showed up in their lives, they’d be better off for it.
Or maybe it would just keep hurting.