Chapter 35
DIANA
There’s only so much an orgasm and a toasted avocado bagel can do, yet neither of them are capable of stopping the panic that thrums beneath me like a frayed wire.
I should be in class taking notes on the lecture like a good student. Instead, I’m having lunch at the Indigo café after having my good senses fucked out in Kai’s car.
I warily eye the café. It’s a little coral-blue nook tucked in the corner of the bookstore.
Slow jazz music croons from the speakers.
Chipped wooden countertops hoist towering coffee bean dispensers and rows upon rows of sandwiches and baked goods.
A decorative trellis of leaves and lilacs slightly shrouds our table.
Luckily, no one else is dining here, so Kai and I can take our time eating without worrying about getting caught.
At least, that’s what I tell myself. But my pinky still hooks around my mask in anticipation.
Kai, on the other hand, is hardly paying attention.
His brows furrow as he concentrates on squeezing the little hot sauce packet onto his sandwich. Watching him handle something so small with so much care makes me soft.
God, Diana. He’s literally just adding a condiment onto his sandwich. Get it together.
On the night of the Wing and Flame, I told Kai that my feelings toward him have changed, and I have to stay true to that, even if it was purely a lie I told to make sure this would be simple, uncomplicated sex for stress relief.
“Oh, putain de merde—” Kai scowls at the giant glob of sriracha he squeezes out. Some of it splatters over his thumb.
I snort behind my hand. Kai catches me. His scowl winds into an exasperated smile before he playfully bumps my foot under the table.
Tension and guilt unwind from my every limb. I relax into my seat, taking the last bite of my bagel.
Then the thought hits me.
“You were walking through the orange tunnels.” Kai only goes through them if he’s having a rough day. “Did something happen at practice?”
The playfulness on Kai’s face darkens. He swallows a bite of his sandwich and drops it down. “It was nothing much, really. Just stressing about getting signed.”
I can tell there’s another stressor he’s not telling me. But I can’t put my finger on what it is. All I can point to is the question that’s been lingering in my head for a while.
“It’s been three years since the rumor spread, Kai.
People’s opinions still haven’t changed.
You play too well, they think you’re doping.
You play badly, they think you’re doping.
” I fiddle with my thumbs. “Why can’t you just…
play the game? Why do you keep trying to convince everyone that you’re an honest player? ”
“I’ve tried.” Kai slumps back in his chair with a defeated frown. “When I try to forget about changing their minds, there’s this little voice that says if I give up on this now, how can I possibly handle all of the pressure and expectations that come with playing in the NHL?”
I open my mouth to answer, but the words don’t come because I know I’m not any better. Isn’t that what I think I have to endure? All of bàba’s mind games and expectations just so I can feel like I deserved to win the CEO vote?
Kai’s gaze takes on a distracted, untethered look. It’s the same expression he had when he got the phone call at Granville Island. He’s gradually getting lost in thought, toeing the cusp of spiraling into his anxiety.
“Kai.” I shake his hand, rattling his attention back to me.
He looks into my eyes. My heart breaks. Pain and frustration rupture behind that calm, moss green gaze I love so much. Kai tries to be such a grounding, gentle force for everyone else, I forget how much he’s quietly shouldering to keep his dream of playing in the NHL alive.
Kai sighs. “Look, Di, what I’m going through is so much bigger than the two of us. I don’t expect you to help me fix it at the Indigo Café. We came here for you and that hasn’t changed.” He crumples up his sandwich bag and stands up. “Come on. We have some bookshelves to raid.”
I feel helpless. I hate knowing exactly what’s wrong but not knowing what to do about it.
And I take it out on my shopping.
“I want this.”
I slam another smutty romance novel on the pile building in Kai’s arms.
“Huh…” He chuckles at the shirtless man brandishing a sword on the cover. “So, this is where you learned everything you know.”
I’m glad we’re both wearing masks. I can’t begin to imagine what the headlines would say if they caught me buying these books with a boy.
The signed edition of the Bridgerton books suddenly catch my eye from the next shelf over.
“I want that.”
I march towards it.
“Jesus—” Kai grips the books tighter and hurries after me. “Di, slow down.”
Every book I snatch off the shelf temporarily relieves the panic building inside me. But it flares back up again when I wander through the romance aisle empty handed.
I don’t have as much time to read novels every day. Back then, though? Love stories were my safe haven. They’re what bound Sophia and I together when we were younger.
I pause in front of a new Jessica Lovelace novel. My heart aches at the memory of us reading her books way past our bedtime.
“Are you going to get that book?” Kai asks.
The pain of remembering makes me shake my head. “Sophia likes this author. Not me.” I still catch her secretly reading Jessica Lovelace novels sometimes. “I heard her say that she’s been wanting to get the sequel to Jessica’s new series for a while.”
“Why don’t you like her books anymore?” A faint eagerness in Kai’s voice makes me smile a little. People don’t usually care about what I love unless they can gossip about it to someone else.
“Her love interests are always too dramatic and reckless, and her main characters are too whimsical for me. But they always comforted Sophia.”
A gasp breaks behind us. A store worker wanders up to us with an iPad.
“I loved that book! You should totally get it,” she gushes. “It’s also the last copy we have in stock, so if you’re hesitating about getting it…I think you should absolutely go for it.”
I cock my head. “It’s the only copy left?”
“Yeah, our shipments are having issues, unfortunately.” She frowns. “So, anyone who wants to get the book in print won’t be able to after today.”
“Hmm, how sad.”
I snatch the last copy off the shelf and slam it on top of the pile in Kai’s arms.
“Wha—” Kai furrows his brows. “I thought you said you didn’t like Jessica Lovelace’s work?”
“I don’t.”
Pettiness fuels me as I march on through the aisles. I might miss my sister, but I’m still angry at her for helping Jonathan ruin my reputation.
I reach the end of the aisle. The restlessness writhing inside still hasn’t settled. My fingers twitch, yearning to get their hands on something. My eyes fall on a seven-foot bamboo shelf that’s on sale.
“That.” I point at it. “I want that.”
Kai’s eyes widen. “Don’t they have furnished shelves for you at the Fairmont?”
“They’re not made of bamboo.”
“It’s a nice shelf, but I don’t have room for that in the car, Di.”
“Then we’ll get you another car.”
“You can’t do that,” Kai protests.
“Why not?” I huff.
“Because I have a good connection with my Hyundai Elantra, and I don’t want to cheat on him by getting a new car.”
“Then we will get a jet.”
“Fine. We’ll buy two and fly them to Mellonbaum’s class when we’re running late.”
“Kai, don’t be ridiculous.” I scowl.
“I don’t think I’m the one being ridiculous here.” Kai catches the attention of a worker with shopping baskets. “Hey, can I get one of those? Thanks.”
They drop a few on the floor by his feet. Kai nestles the books into the baskets before he focuses back on me.
“Look, Di, I’ve seen you stalk your brother and your business partner through a live stream at seven in the morning, so this level of crazy doesn’t faze me in the slightest. But I know there’s something wrong here. What’s the matter?”
My lip trembles behind my mask. I wrap my arms around myself. The panic I’ve been stifling swarms back up. “I don’t know what to do, Kai.”
“About what?”
“About everything! The tech company I reached out to for help in clearing my name hasn’t gotten back to me. If I don’t get their help in fourteen days, I’m going to look insane and desperate to the board by claiming I have evidence to prove myself.”
“Hey, hey…” Kai grips my arms and steadies me in place. “There’s probably a good reason why they’re taking this long to get back to you.”
“Yes. They believe the lies and they don’t want to help me.” I blink. Tears drop and streak down my mask. “I should’ve done more to prove I didn’t do it.”
“You told me your dad threatened to take you out of the succession plan if you did that. Your hands were tied, Di.”
“But if I had just fought harder—”
“Then your dad would’ve made sure you couldn’t fight at all.”
My mouth clamps shut. He’s right. Bàba always did what he could to remind us that he wields the most power in the family.
That’s why he hasn’t cut me off from his money.
It’s the same subtle message he sends to Uncle Frederik: Because of me, you can buy your books and stay at the Fairmont.
You need me. Without me, you would have nothing.
Kai searches my face, desperation and anger ravaging his own.
“Come here.”
He crushes me into a hug. I cry into his chest, frustration and fear overwhelming me until I can hardly catch my breath.
“I-I’m so sorry, Kai. I’m…I’m such a mess. This wasn’t part of the stress relief service I ordered.”
“It’s okay.” His cheek rests atop my head, as his hand rubs up and down my back. “The Mason-Maiau stress relief service lets you add extras to your cart after checkout.”
A broken laugh bubbles out of me. I blink up at him. The tears go still enough for me to see Kai in all of his quiet strength, and I’ve never felt more safe.
Suddenly, my phone vibrates with a call. I fish it out of my bag. My smile drops when I see it’s bàba’s secretary calling.
I sniff, wiping my tears before I answer it.
“Nǐ hǎo, Huang xiǎojiě. I’m calling to let you know that your father is requesting you to be at dinner tonight at six o’clock. There is important news he would like to share with you and your siblings.”
I clench up. “Regarding what exactly?”
“I’m afraid I cannot say.”
“Oh…” I dab at my eyes. “Alright, then. I’ll be there.”
The call ends. I tuck my phone back into my bag with trembling hands. “There’s a family dinner tonight. Apparently, there’s a big announcement my father needs to make.”
“I can drive you back to the Fairmont?” Kai offers.
I frown at the baskets at our feet. “How am I going to bring these with me?”
“I can bring your books up for you. Since I’m wearing a mask, they’ll just think I’m another delivery boy.”
Gratitude warms my heart, and all I want to do is kiss his face.
“Thank you so much.” I squeeze Kai’s hands. “I appreciate everything you’re doing for me right now.”
I know we’re testing the boundaries of what it means to be friends with benefits.
For now, I don’t care. The temporary relief of having Kai around anchors me from drowning in the worries of what news I’ll be hearing from bàba tonight.