Chapter Seven Dance in My Darkness ~September~ #2
“Yeah, that too.” Most definitely that. If I could touch her, hold her, look into her eyes, I could chase away those evil demon, self-doubting thoughts of hers.
“She’s safe, Joe. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, except for possibly the package. But even that could be nothing. It could be wedding stuff. It could actually be a pair of shoes.”
“Maybe, but my gut is telling me otherwise. Plus, she wouldn’t have shoes delivered to the office.”
We talk for a few moments more before I have to head downstairs. It’s going to be a long day. I was excited after my breakfast, but reality is bringing me back to the here and now.
And the here and now is telling me to get my ass back home.
Samantha
A horn blast startles me. I look around to be sure I’m not the offending party. The light is still red, and I’m not the only one not moving. So, yeah, I don’t know what the honking was about. I can’t even determine who it was that honked in the first place.
I check the clock on the dash and sigh. Come on, come on, come on.
I urge the light to change. I’m late to meet Joseph’s mom for an early dinner before meeting Jace and my mom for our joint therapy session.
Now, that appointment I wouldn’t mind being late to, but I don’t want to cut my visit with Fiona short.
She’s been more than supportive during this whole drama with my mom and Jace.
Not to mention her guidance and support during the wedding planning process.
At the time of my high school graduation last year, I’d finally realized I wanted nothing more than a future with Joseph.
A future that would eventually make me an official member of Joseph’s family.
The support they all showed me after my father’s death astounded, humbled, and endeared them to me.
Though I was still trepidatious, I think if Joseph hadn’t asked me to marry him, I would have asked him.
The idea of not being in his family for the rest of my life was unbearable.
They became my family. Joseph’s dad, Hugh, could never replace my father, but he’s come pretty darn close.
Fin and Matt are like brothers to me. And Fiona, well, she’s more than my future mother-in-law.
She’s become my confidant and strongest supporter, besides Joseph.
A break in traffic gets me to the restaurant only a few minutes late.
I spot Fiona the moment I enter. “Ah, Sam, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.
” Fiona gives me a warm smile and an even warmer hug.
Pulling back, she grasps my shoulders, taking me in.
“You look beautiful, but tired. Are you working too hard and not getting enough sleep?”
I laugh. “Are you saying I look like crap?”
“No!” she adamantly exclaims. “Tired. That’s all.” She sits, motioning me to do the same. “You have a beauty that comes from within, so no matter how tired you are, you’ll still shine like no other.”
Jeez, she’s gonna make me cry. “Fiona, now you’re going overboard.” It’s obvious where Joseph gets his silver tongue from.
Thankfully, the waiter interrupts us for my drink order, and, since I’m short on time, we order dinner as well.
Once he leaves, her focus is back on me. “How are you, really?” The tenderness on her face and in her voice allow for nothing but the truth.
Not all the truth, though. I can’t tell her about the letters.
If Joseph wants her to know, that’s up to him to tell her, but I can’t imagine he’d want his parents to know.
I’m not even sure if anyone besides Michael knows.
I take a sip of water and reply as openly as I can.
“I’m tired, and I miss him.” My eyes start to well up with tears.
“It’s hard to sleep when he’s not there beside you, isn’t it?”
“How’d…”
She merely smiles and pats my hand at my surprise.
“I can’t sleep when Hugh is away either.
Honestly, once the kids were old enough, I started traveling with him whenever I could.
It was easier on both of us.” She looks off as if remembering something fondly.
After a moment, her gaze meets mine. Her eyes are dancing with memories.
“I think it was good for our marriage too. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in some cases, I’m sure it’s true.
But for us, the quiet time we had together, away from our normal routine, was far more valuable to our marriage. ”
Fiona and Hugh have a great marriage, much like the one my parents had. She’s blessed, and I know she values it even more after seeing how my father’s death has impacted my mother.
“What else do you know was good for your marriage?” I’m anxious to hear all the sage advice Fiona has to share. After all, hers is a living example of what a successful one looks like.
She lights up, welcoming the opportunity to share.
Before Joseph even proposed to me, Fiona told me how much she and Hugh enjoyed having me around.
I was the daughter they never had. I doubt any of her sons would ask her for such advice, and she’s relishing every moment as much as I am in hearing it.
The dinner with Fiona was wonderful, relaxing, and filled up those empty holes in my heart left by my mom’s absence, as well as my dad and Jace’s.
On the other end of the spectrum, this session with Mom and Jace only seems to deplete the warmth Fiona instilled and replace it with dank, darkness.
“Sam, I’d like to start with you this time. Give you a chance to voice how you’re feeling, tell your story since your father passed.”
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
“Why don’t you start with your relationship with Jace?” Dr. Weston gives me an encouraging smile, looking between Jace and me.
Dr. Weston isn’t messing around. We didn’t ease into the issue of my own flesh and blood cutting me off at the knees when my dad died. I thought we’d only be dealing with my relationship with my mom since he’s her therapist and not mine or Jace’s. Apparently, he feels differently.
Jace is as flustered and as surprised as I am to be the topic of discussion. “I thought we were going to focus on Mom and her recovery,” he asks.
“This is part of Eleanor’s healing process. She needs to understand how your father’s death impacted the two of you. She needs to hear it from your perspective, in your words.” Dr. Weston types on his tablet before looking at me expectantly.
“How can she not know how his death impacted us?” My eyes dart to my mom.
She’s silently looking out the window as if I’m not even here.
“Our father died, and you abandoned us too.” I thought I’d cry, but anger seems to be the driving emotion at the moment.
“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that it sucked. ”
Dr. Weston doesn’t bat an eye. “That’s a good start. Let’s narrow down the sucking and discuss specifics. Tell me about you and Jace.”
Jace’s sorrowful blue eyes meet mine. I don’t look away, I don’t hide.
It’s time to give him a chance. A real chance.
“Jace has apologized. Many times, in fact. He wants to make amends, but I haven’t really been open to him.
” I face Jace on the couch we’re sharing.
“I want to make things right with you. I’m afraid.
I don’t want to get hurt again.” I hastily swipe at my tears.
Next to Joseph, Jace is the most important person in my life.
He’s my family, and based on the fact that my mom hasn’t even acknowledged my presence—he’s going to be my only family.
He grabs my hand and pulls me into a hug. “I’m not going anywhere. I swear, Sam. I’m here to stay. I’ll do anything to be a part of your life again. Give me a chance. I won’t let you down. Not this time.”
The anguish and sincerity in his voice knock down my defenses. “Okay.”
He pulls back with a hopeful smile on his face. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Dr. Weston is pleased with our interaction and encourages us to be patient with each other, as reconciliation doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process that will have hiccups along the way, but open communication and forgiveness will make it a smoother road to travel together.
He moves on to the topic of my mom. “Jace, I’ll ask you the same question in a moment, but I’d like to continue with Sam.” He motions to me. “Please tell your mom what this last year and a half has been like for you.”
I really don’t want to go there. I’ve worked hard to push down these emotions of inadequacy, of not being enough for my mom to want to stick around and be a parent.
Mom sits across the room, facing Jace and me.
Her gaze hasn’t left the window since I walked in the door.
Jace was already here when I arrived, so I have no idea if she speaks to him when I’m not here.
“I feel like an orphan. Abandoned by my family. Dad didn’t have a choice when he died.
” That’s not true. “I guess he did have a choice. He chose to protect me, and in doing so, he was shot. His choice was selfless.” I’ve tried so hard not to think about that day, not to second guess what I could have done differently.
If I had done anything differently, would it have made a difference?
“But, Mom, your choice to leave me was selfish. You left me alone to deal with the fallout of Dad’s death, not only emotionally, but everything.
The money. The house. Bills. Everything fell on my shoulders. Even taking care of you.”
“Eleanor, how do you feel about what Sam’s shared?” Dr. Weston asks.
“Sam, I’m so sorry.” Jace takes my hand and holds it tightly as both he and I wipe at our tears.
Mom, on the other hand, can’t even look at me. She wipes at her tears with a tissue, but remains silent. That’s all I’ve gotten from her for over a year now. Not. One. Word.