Chapter 48 Violet
FORTY-EIGHT
VIOLET
NOVEMBER | COLUMBUS, OHIO
My boyfriend was a gif by the morning after the game. Margot was the first to send it to me, giggling from her workstation behind me.
MARGOT
(gif of Colt licking his bloody lip, winking, and blowing a kiss)
you got the dreamiest one ;)
“Get back to work,” I grumbled, but I wasn’t serious.
Her giggling continued. “Hard to work when I’m in the same room as the subject of a hockey beef. That’s like royalty.”
I groaned. “I honestly haven’t been online. I don’t need to witness the internet calling me a puck bunny.”
“You didn’t really, though, right? Date the other guy?”
My stomach turned. “No. He’s a terrible person. Disgusting.”
“You’re telling me. He’s got a real creepy vibe.”
I froze. I could probably trust Margot with the truth, but I wasn’t sure I felt like going into it. “Your Spidey Sense is accurate. Creep is a kind word for him.”
I heard the signature creak of her chair whirling around, so I turned to face her. I expected to find her silly face, but she looked concerned. My tone must have given it away. Her voice was cautious. “How creepy?”
I rubbed my lips between my teeth and tucked my ankle under my opposite thigh. “All the way creepy.”
Margot deflated. “To you?”
I nodded and swallowed hard.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I had no idea. Thank you for telling me.”
I cracked my knuckles to give myself something to do. “I don’t exactly broadcast it.”
When I looked up, Margot had pain in her eyes. “You know I don’t give out hugs, but in this case . . .” She stood and opened her arms.
“No way,” I gasped. I was grateful for Margot’s offer of humor because, god, was I ever tired of crying about what happened to me. Humor was a way to take myself back. I stood and fell into her arms. “All this shit talk and you’re a good hugger underneath it all.”
“Relax, I do hug my children,” she teased. “I’m not a total miser.”
“I thought maybe you outsourced hugs to Andrea.”
She laughed and squeezed me one more time. “I would also hug your boyfriend to make my wife jealous. She loves him.”
“Yeah, well, her and me both.”
She gave me a smug look. “Ooh, somebody dropped the L bomb, didn’t they?”
“Shut up.” I blushed and held back a smile.
“Happy for you, Vi. You deserve it.”
I sat with those words for a minute: you deserve it.
All this time, I’d been trying to make myself good enough for Colton, to become worthy of his love. I held myself back from him for years to try to protect him from what I couldn’t accept about myself. I exchanged years of pain and longing for the promise of a greater love down the road.
Maybe we could have had a healthy relationship without me staying away from him for so long. There’s really no way to know. But Layla asked when I’d feel ready for him, like I deserved him.
I deserved him all along, because everyone is worthy of love.
But I was fully ready for him now. I could give him everything, and not just trample on his open heart, his kindness. There was pain along the way. Doubt. Loneliness. Jealousy.
I didn’t deserve Colton because I was entitled to him.
I didn’t deserve Colton because I earned him through some multi-step plan.
I deserved Colton because I saw that it wasn’t just about me receiving unconditional love from him or taking what he so willingly offered.
I was ready to give love. And my love was worth receiving.
The greater love, the thing I’d been working toward, was here, radiating from my chest in every color imaginable.
I fought tears in my voice, turning my back to Margot.
“Thank you. I do deserve it.”
“Dad?”
I hadn’t spoken to my parents since the end of the summer.
Part of it was being busy, and knowing they were probably even busier.
But since Colton and I were talking again, I was afraid to tell them what was going on.
How much did he know? Had Maya told him about the rumors?
I still hadn’t told Maya about the assault, because there never was a good time for that sort of thing.
So, why else would my dad call me out of the blue?
I sat on my couch like if I sat down too hard, the cushions would turn into an alligator and bite my butt.
“Hey,” he said, then cleared his throat. “How are you?”
“I’m . . . good. How are you?”
“Oh, alright. A little bird may have told me that you’re seeing Colton again.”
Colton. My dad called him by his name. Not “that hockey boy” or a disdainful “him.” Not only that, but he was cutting to the chase. This was the agenda for the call.
“Is that little bird’s name Maya?” I asked, and Dad chuckled.
“Well, I think maybe I’m the last to know. But I hear he’s being good to you.”
Okay, it had to be Maya. Who else would have spoken well of Colton to my dad? “He is,” I confirmed.
“And you’re happy with him?” he went on.
That I could answer easily. “Yeah. He makes me very happy.”
My dad’s voice was warm and genuine. “Good. I’m glad to hear it.”
“Are you?” I asked. “In college, you were not his biggest fan.”
“I know I’m your dad so this might be hard to believe, but I do get things wrong sometimes.”
What was happening? Was the moon full? Did I have a fever? My dad was always the softer of my parents, but admitting fault was neither of their strong suit. “Okay,” I managed, still unsure if things were about to flip somehow. But he went on.
“Well, I don’t know what you’ve got going on, but your mother and I were thinking about coming to visit you. Seeing where you live. Maybe . . . you could show us what you’ve been working on. And we could have dinner with you and Colton.”
My mouth flapped, still completely stunned. “Um. Yeah. That would be amazing. I could show you the lab, and if you want to see Colt, we can work around his schedule.”
“Who knows? Maybe we’ll finally see him play. Nouri says he’s fun to watch.”
I laughed to myself. Of course it took Nouri and Maya’s influence for them to wake up.
“You? At a sporting event?” I gasped.
“I know. But your mother and I have missed you since you moved,” my stomach dropped at that phrase, “and we want to be part of your life.”
Tears pricked my eyes. They still didn’t know all of what was going on in my life, but maybe we had a chance of starting a new era. “Even if it’s at a hockey arena?”
Dad laughed. “I’ll try it for you, lovey.”