Chapter 32
Chapter thirty-two
I try to keep my face void of the despair I feel, but it’s been five days since I’ve spoken to Isabelle.
Five days of living with my guilt, and ignoring the only person who’s been able to ease the shadows I force myself to hide in.
Years of therapy had slowly helped my mind heal, but only Isabelle had been able to touch my heart.
Only for me to put another person I loved in danger.
“Hey, Mase? Can you take a drive with me this week?” Caleb says from beside me.
We’re all gathered in Grams’s living room after our typical Sunday night dinner.
I’ve been here for a few days, but I’ve convinced everyone to let me go home after dinner tonight so I can sleep in my own bed.
I feel steady enough on my crutches, so there’s no way I’m staying here, letting them look after me for weeks like the doctor suggested.
“Yeah, I can make something work. Where to?” Mason crosses an ankle over his knee as he leans back on the couch across from us.
“Trevally Falls.”
“What’s in Trevally Falls?” I ask, looking over Caleb’s shoulder to see a real estate listing on his phone.
He passes me his phone. “Hopefully, a solution.”
Lex’s brother, Dylan, found out he’s gonna be a dad. She’s stressing now about being so far away from their hometown since he’s not actually with the mother of his future child.
I scroll through the photos of a rundown house on a huge piece of land, and views of the ocean just behind it.
“There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for her, is there?”
My brother wears a look of pure contentment on his face as he no doubt thinks of Lex.
“No.” He shakes his head. “Now that I have her, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her.”
I wish I found it easier to own my feelings.
To act on them. After I saw Tuck the other night, his words have stewed in my head.
I found myself going to a meeting later that night.
There was a session for carers, but another one for love after loss.
An older woman spoke of the ways she learnt to trust love and herself again after putting away her abuser.
To not fear the consequence of misplaced trust, but instead acknowledge her strength to survive hard things.
She counts every day since she put her ex-husband away as a second chance.
Nine thousand, one hundred and eighty-seven sunshine days.
She met her second husband on day eight hundred and seventy-five.
She believes he was sent to her by the angels as a reward for what she endured.
Hearing that made me think of August, those feelings of him sending me Isabelle.
The vision I had going into the ambulance, and hearing him say they needed me.
My family. His mum and Kit. I’m sure Isabelle is counted in there as well, if not the very first one in line.
“Talked to Izzy?” Caleb says, interrupting my thoughts.
I drop my head back against the couch, the stone of her necklace feeling like it burns against my chest where it rests. I sigh as I stare up at the ceiling, tracing the intricate roses as I figure out what to tell my brother.
“Why won’t you just talk to her, fucker?” Caleb hisses. “Mum would be so disappointed you haven’t checked in on her. She really likes Isabelle.”
I click my tongue, flicking over the piercing while I’m at it. “You’re a dick.”
“No, you’re a dick.”
“Caleb!” Mum tuts from across the room, making me smirk to myself.
It’s silent for all of three seconds before Caleb announces to the room, “Gage hasn’t spoken to Isabelle since the crash.”
My eyes flare open as heat engulfs my cheeks with embarrassment.
“Henry!” Oh fuck. Mum just used my first name. “Why are you not speaking to her? It wasn’t her fault. That’s just awful.”
“Very selfish.” Mockery paints Caleb’s words. Prick.
“That poor sweet girl! I told you to call her,” Grams scolds, and I feel myself sinking into the couch, wishing it would swallow me whole.
“Why would you choose to ignore Grams, Henry? And poor Isabelle. My dear, dear friend.” If I had a list of people I hate, my big brother would be at the top right now.
“Perhaps he felt bad for getting her into the accident,” says Grandpa, always the voice of calm reason. “If she’s trying to talk to you, Gage, she’s obviously more worried about your wellbeing than hers. I think you should call her.”
“I agree,” says Dad. “It was an accident, Gage. You’re not to blame. Nothing you did that night could have changed the outcome. It was the other driver who crossed into your lane.”
I know that, but reminders of the night I lost August have been plaguing my nightmares, replacing them with Isabelle instead. I can’t stop the images from replaying, and the most annoying thing is, I bet the nightmares would stop if I had Isabelle sleeping beside me.
“Yeah. If anything, you saved her from being hurt more when you threw yourself over her.” I shift my eyes to my sister, where she watches me with one raised eyebrow, subtly telling me she’s spoken to Isabelle during the week.
No wonder Beth’s been more pissed at me over the last few days.
I wonder how much Isabelle has told her about the last few months.
“I’m sorry, brother,” Caleb mutters to me once all the outrage around the room has simmered.
“No.” I shake my head. “You’re right. I should call her. I’ll do it tonight.”
***
“Thanks for bringing me and Tiny home,” I tell Beth as we pull into my driveway.
“It’s no trouble at all.” My eyes narrow at the suspicious tone of her words.
They’re not soft and sympathetic, nor are they strained and frustrated like most of our exchanges have been this week. When I turn my head to take her in, there’s a devious smirk on her face, and her eyebrows are raised matter-of-factly. What is she up to?
Beth navigates the circular drive, rounding it until the porch is behind us, making my walk from the car easier. I slowly swing out, hobbling to the back door to pull out my crutches, while Beth lets Tiny out from the other side.
I freeze when I notice Isabelle slowly stand from one of the porch chairs, crossing the deck to lean over the balustrade.
A soft smile touches her face as she watches Tiny pause to sniff in the garden bed, then climb his way over to the stairs leading up to the front door.
She looks beautiful as ever. Her hair is down, and she’s wearing a fuzzy pale blue jumper with white sweatpants.
“Fix it. Cos if I have to pick sides, I’m picking hers,” my sister says from the open window of her driver’s seat.
“Did you know she’d be here?” I whisper.
Beth nods. “She texted Caleb earlier, asking for your address. Said she really had to talk to you.”
“I was gonna call her tonight, anyway.”
“Ironically, she has bigger balls than you, brother. I expect good news in the morning. PG, preferably. I’m still your sister after all.” She keeps her eyes locked on me as she rolls up the window, shutting down further conversation, then drives off.
I make my way over to the house. Isabelle is giggling and talking sweetly to Tiny. The big dope has his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, lapping up all the attention.
As I reach the bottom step, Isabelle looks up at me.
Her features are patient and full of sympathy.
Understanding. It warms my heart to the point where I take a deep breath and feel the shame and guilt I’ve been carrying this week start to even out, lifting from where it had settled in my chest and gut.
“I tried to wait,” she says. “ I would have given you all the time you needed. I would wait a lifetime for you, Gage. But something happened, and I needed you.”
I’m ready to fall to my knees and drag myself to her feet with her last words. I toss one crutch onto the deck, holding onto the bannister instead to bring myself closer to her that much quicker.
“What happened? Are you okay?” I reach out a hand to touch her cheek, pulling back at the last second.
“Do you think we could go inside?”
I swallow my nerves. “Of course.”
Isabelle picks up my discarded crutch, passing it to me as I pull out my keys and open the door. Tiny starts to bound past her, but I whistle, making him stop and sit.
“Wait,” I command, holding an open palm up to him, then smiling sheepishly at Isabelle. “Ladies first.”
As she stands in front of me, she holds a hand against my stomach, rubbing her thumb up and down as she simply stares into my eyes. My mind riots between calm and apprehension. Before the dizzying feeling can take root, she heads inside.
I whistle to Tiny, calling him in before I follow behind.
I keep my eyes on Isabelle, taking in every part of my house as she passes. When we make it to the open living area, I start to move over to the kitchen.
“Can I get you something to drink?”
“No thanks,” she says gently, shaking her head. “Can we sit down?”
My mouth feels like a sandpit, but I nod as I move over to the lounge room. Isabelle waits for me to get comfortable before she joins me on the couch, crossing her legs as she faces me.
“You said something happened?”
“Yes. But first, I want to talk about this past week.”
My eyes fall in defeat as I sink against the cushions. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“I understand. The accident must have brought up very difficult memories for you. Everyone grieves in different ways. And heals on different timelines. But I need you to know, going forward, even if you don’t have the words to say, you don’t need to shut down on me.
I can hold you in silence, I can distract you if that’s what you need, but please don’t push me away. ”
I chew the inside of my cheek, saddened by the way I handled everything when she’s been nothing but kind and open with me from the start. I can hear the hurt in her words that my silence has caused. Never again.
“The hardest part about this week,” she continues, “was not being with you when I knew you needed me.”
I sink to the floor, my long leg cast making it awkward to get to her, but I manage to fall before her, one bent knee and one sticking straight out to the side as I bury my head in her lap, wrapping my arms around her lower back to hug her.
“I’m sorry, baby. You deserve the best, and I promise I’ll be better. I promise I’ll take you with me to every dark corner I go.”
Her fingers run through my hair as I close my eyes and inhale her perfume. The rose and orange scent forces my breathing deeper and slower, calming my frantic heart.
“Tell me you know that I’m here for you.”
“I know you’re here for me.”
“Tell me you know I would never judge you.”
I take a deep breath. “I know you’d never judge me.”
“Tell me that you’re a generous and loving man.”
I squeeze my eyes shut harder.
“Tell me, Gage,” Isabelle says, coaxing the words forward.
I lick my lips. “I’m a generous and loving man.”
“That’s good, Grim,” she says, still running her fingers through my hair. “Now tell me you deserve good things.”
“I-I deserve good things.”
“Now promise me you’ll always have my back.”
I pull back, meeting her eyes with unwavering confidence. “I’ll always have your back. I swear, Izzy. I’ll never let you down again.”
Tears start to well in my brave girl’s eyes, and this time, I let my hand rest on her cheek, swiping the rebel tear away.
“That’s good, cos I really need you now.”
“What is it?”
“I’m pregnant.”