Chapter 40
Chapter forty
Twenty Weeks
DYLAN:
I smile down at the photo he sends through of a tired-looking Dylan holding a rosy-cheeked boy wrapped in blue. I punch out a reply as I take the elevator up to Isabelle’s office, even more excited for today since we have a scan to see our own baby.
ME:
Congrats, man! Hope everything went well for the little guy and mama.
I move through the hallways, my smile dropping once I reach Isabelle’s office and find it empty. I turn around, scanning the floor, but I don’t spot her anywhere.
ME:
Where are you, baby?
I drop onto the couch in front of her window, setting the treat bag I brought with me on the seat next to me, when another text comes through from Dylan.
We’ve been texting back and forth ever since he came up to the city and worked at The Wayside with me.
We bonded a lot more than I expected that night.
Dylan was also a dad-to-be, a bar owner, someone who’s had to navigate loss.
It felt nice to have someone to confide in like that.
It was an unexpected friendship but a surprisingly welcome one.
DYLAN:
Becca was a total pro. Scared the fuck out of me. Women are awesome. My little dude’s doing good so far. Strong and healthy. Man, you’re not ready for the instant love that comes from holding your kid. I can’t even describe it.
ME:
That’s awesome. I’m happy for you.
And I really am. I lean my head back, drawing in a deep breath as I hold tight to the feeling. My phone beeps, but I give it a few more breaths before I look.
One. Mistakes happen, but so does life.
Two. You have to accept the good with the bad.
Three. Doing your best is the best you can do.
Four. You are capable of love.
Five. You are deserving of love.
I look down at my phone once I’m ready, my head and my heart feeling light with gratitude and acceptance.
BUTTERCUP:
I’m upstairs with OG xx
I pick up the paper bag, push off the couch, and make my way back to the elevators, heading up to Caleb’s floor.
DYLAN:
Thanks. You got your scan today, right?
ME:
Yeah, just got to the office to pick up Iz now.
DYLAN:
Let me know how it goes.
I thumbs up the last message as I step onto Caleb’s floor.
“Morning, Riley.”
Ice blue eyes peer over the computer screen. Riley pushes back in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Good morning, Daddy-o.” He grins.
His jet black hair is a windswept mess, pushed back on his head. I’m putting money on Caleb rolling his eyes at that. My big brother wants people to be comfortable expressing themselves in the office, but he’s a stickler for things being neat and orderly.
He’s a bit like me in that respect, but the need is rooted in a different place.
Caleb sees it as a responsibility to the Heart name, while I always took it as controlling what I could.
Something that doesn’t seize my thoughts quite as much as it used to.
In the six weeks that Isabelle’s been living with me, the things I used to do to keep my mind occupied have become things I enjoy.
Like my garden, my hands buried in the soil, air filled with earthy sweetness.
Spending time in the gym has been keeping my body strong so I can keep up with my need for Isabelle, and for the days I’ll be running around with our baby.
I want to be strong and healthy for them, for both of them.
I still go to group therapy on Monday nights, taking my turn to open up more rather than just being a silent observer. I’ve even been to a few of the same sessions Jennie goes to.
Before, everything I did was a tool for distraction, a checklist to complete to feel worthy of the life I kept living, the reality where I left August behind.
The craziest thing is, the more I do for myself, the closer August feels, just like Dylan said.
If August is watching over me, I gotta give him something worth watching.
“You been surfing this morning?” I ask.
“Hell yeah.” Riley’s face lights up. “Swells are starting to pick up. Froze my fucking nuts off, though.”
“I can tell. Looks like you brought half the beach back in your hair,” I say, walking past him and ruffling his hair. The strands are rough and crunchy, and I feel my face twist. “Dude.”
Riley runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it back into some type of order. “What? Women pay actual money for this beach wave look.”
I wipe my hand down my shirt. “I can’t believe my brother doesn’t say shit about that.”
“There’s no point washing it every day when I’m only gonna be in the water again the next morning. Besides, I think your brother is too distracted by his lady love to notice my hair. Speaking of, you here for your baby mama?”
I tuck my hands in my pockets and nod. “Got our twenty-week scan today.”
Riley shakes his head. “Who would have thought, you and Isabelle. Grumpy and sunshine. Beauty and the beast.”
“Definitely not me.”
“You’re here.” The reason I breathe steps through Caleb’s office door.
Isabelle’s tight blonde curls are in a bun on her head, secured with a white ruffled scrunchie.
A long-sleeved denim shirt is tied over her belly, paired with an olive skirt that hugs every curve.
Her rounded hips, her shapely thighs, and that beautiful bump.
My heart is in my throat as I take her in.
“Hi, baby.” I cross the room, placing a hand on her stomach and dropping a kiss to her lips. “I brought you a treat. Snickerdoodle slice.” I hold up the Sweet Escape bag, which she takes greedily.
“Aww, thanks, Grim.”
Caleb steps up behind Isabelle, looking down at the bag, then up at me.
“What did you get me?”
“Nothing.” I shake my head.
His jaw drops. “Well, that’s rude. If it weren’t for me, you two wouldn’t have even met.” He points his finger between me and Isabelle, my hand still on her stomach as she tucks into her dessert.
I click my tongue. “Sorry, brother. Beth already claimed her role as matchmaker.”
Caleb rolls his eyes, pushing his glasses up his nose as he does. “We just spoke to Beth. She’s down at Smoke and Barrel checking some of the deliveries that came in this week for the fitout. You remember those wagon wheel chandeliers she wanted?”
My back straightens. “She better fucking not have.”
Caleb shakes his head. “No. Mason still overruled her with the logistics of those, but she found some at a market that were repurposed as shelves. She was thinking of having them mounted and backlit just for the Legacy Malt whiskey to be displayed on.”
“They actually look really cool,” Isabelle says, sucking a finger into her mouth. Temptress.
“Yeah? You think?”
She nods. “Definitely.”
“Okay.”
Caleb scoffs and wobbles his head. “Okay,” he says, mocking me. “Since when did you become so agreeable?”
“Since he started banging on the regular,” Riley says, feet crossed over the desk as he leans back in his chair, tossing a stress ball in the air.
Caleb storms over to him, tapping on the end of his white, high-top sneakers. “Get your feet down,” he scolds.
Riley scrunches his nose, then turns back to his computer. “You’ve got the next hour free. Maybe I should call Lex, tell her to come by, then you’d be more agreeable,” he mutters.
Isabelle giggles, and I scoff. “Yeah, I’m sure Lex would be down for that.”
When Caleb’s cheeks turn pink, I feel my eyebrows fly to my hairline. “In your office? With Riley outside the door?”
“I know! My poor innocent ears.” Riley tries to act offended, but the amusement on his face gives him away.
“We should go, Grim. Our appointment’s in half an hour.” Isabelle disappears into Caleb’s office and then comes back with her handbag over her shoulder.
“You’re finding out the gender today?” Caleb asks.
“I’m hoping for penis.” Riley crosses his fingers with a toothy grin that quickly turns into a frown.
“Oh, that could be misleading.” He looks up at Caleb, then back to me and Iz.
“I like women. Not that there aren’t some good-looking dudes out there, but I’m definitely a P in V guy. I mean A, too, if she’s up for it.”
Caleb pinches the bridge of his nose. “Go. Save yourselves.”
Isabelle laughs, then tugs on my hand as she walks us to the elevators. “See you guys in a bit.”
We’re both still smiling as the elevator doors close and we hear Caleb mumble, “What’s wrong with your hair?”
When we’re finally alone, I kneel down, dropping a kiss to Isabelle’s stomach. “Hey, BB.”
Isabelle’s hand comes to rest over mine, where it sits low on her bump. “They always kick when you talk.”
I haven’t felt a kick yet, but Izzy’s been feeling them more and more. It feels like I’m waiting on pins and needles for the day it’ll happen, but a popping sensation fills my stomach knowing that BB hears me, recognises me.
I never imagined myself as a father. I spent too much time punishing myself for one life I couldn’t protect.
The idea of having another one solely on my shoulders was incomprehensible.
But I’m not scared. Not in the way I thought I might be.
I wish I could do more for Isabelle. She does so much by carrying our baby and protecting them as they grow.
Her surety in all this gives me strength, and there’s no one else I’d want to be doing this with.
There’s no one else I want to be doing life with.
We reach the basement car park, and I throw an arm around Isabelle’s shoulder as we walk over to my car.
I open the passenger door, then hold Isabelle’s waist as I help, or pretty much lift her into the tall cab. Pulling the seat belt over her chest and middle, I click it into place, then leave a kiss on her stomach before staring up into her blue eyes.
She smiles at me, those dimples popping, and it commands a smile on my own face.
“You ready to see our baby?” I ask
Isabelle leans forward, draping her arms behind my neck. “I’m ready for everything with you.”
Well, that’s a relief, because there’s a question I need to ask her tonight. I close her door, then round the hood and slip behind the wheel.
Eighteen minutes later, we’re waiting in the doctor’s office. My leg bounces as we wait to be called in.
“Isabelle Heart.” My lungs seize, dick twitching. I see what Caleb means now. I never updated Isabelle’s contact details from our initial scan, where I gave my last name as hers. Jesus, fuck, does it sound good.
Isabelle places the magazine she was flipping through back on the coffee table as she stands, following Dr Reeves down the hallway.
“Okay, guys, twenty weeks. How have you been feeling, Isabelle?” she asks, tapping the bed as she pulls some gloves out of a box on her shelves.
Isabelle hops up and pulls the waistband of her stretchy skirt underneath her belly. I can’t help but rub my hand over the smooth, tight skin as I take the seat beside her.
“Really good. My feet and back hurt quicker than I’m used to after a long day, but nothing I can’t manage.”
“All to be expected.” The doctor nods, then takes a seat on her stool, wheeling closer to Isabelle’s other side and dragging her monitor with her.
She tucks some paper towel into Isabelle’s waistband, then picks up a tube of gel, squeezing a generous amount over her bump.
Iz turns to me, biting her lip with excitement. I pick up her hand, kissing the back of it, then hold it in both my hands as I lean on the bed, waiting for the screen to load.
Dr Reeves presses a few buttons, then picks up her transducer—the non-dildo looking one—and places it low on Isabelle’s stomach. After a few seconds, the screen fills with our baby. It still blows my mind that we can see our baby so clearly. Hands, feet, and a tiny button nose.
My teeth grind against each other as I hold my breath and blink back tears.
“Everything looks good.” The doctor continues to move over Isabelle’s bump, pushing buttons and looking at who knows what. “Nice size. Everything looks to be developing exactly how we want.”
She turns to Isabelle. “Were you wanting to find out the baby’s sex today?”
Isabelle squeezes my hand. “Yes, please. Can you see?”
The screen shifts as the doc moves and adjusts her angle. “Looks like we’re having a girl.”
My chest stutters, and my throat feels thick as a tear drops onto my hand, rolling down my forearm as I look at my daughter. My daughter.
“A girl.” I can hear the excitement in Isabelle’s words, but I still can’t take my eyes off the screen. “Gage?”
I manage to turn my head, finding Isabelle watching me carefully.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
I bring my forehead to hers. Words don’t feel like enough to express what she’s given me.
It feels like a second chance at life. My world is bigger and brighter with her in it.
I feel sad for myself that I wasted so many years thinking I had to atone for my failures.
Thinking if I did more good, it would outweigh the bad.
But now, I think where I am today is exactly where I was always meant to be.
When I saw August the night of the accident, when I heard him tell me they needed me, I was thinking of my family, but I think he may have meant Isabelle… and our daughter.