Chapter 7
Ainsley
“ I want to go to Ethan’s,” I announce as the monster carries me to the jacuzzi tub I’ve missed more than anything else in this house.
Well, that’s not true. I’ve missed the monster the most, but I won’t allow myself to admit that. The longer I’m here, the more he’s breaking down my walls. And it’s only been a single night. This is why I preferred to avoid him and only think of him as a monster instead of the man I fell in love with.
Because I don’t love him anymore.
Last night was about guilt. I felt bad for how badly I hurt him, and seeing the physical representation of that on his skin broke me. I made it up to him the only way I knew how.
This morning, well, that’s a different story. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and telling him about my dream. I admitted feelings to him I’d never even admitted to myself until then. He calmed me down, making me feel safe until I fell asleep again. The next thing I remember is dreaming about the first night I slept with him. When I orgasmed in the dream, I woke up and found him inside me.
It was hard to fight myself so I didn’t climb him like I was desperate, but when he pulled me on top of him, I couldn’t stop myself. I needed him. I’ve never felt so confused before.
It’s like I’m reliving the bad and the good. The torture of being sold to Carlos and thinking the monster was dead on one side of the coin, but the good times the monster and I had together on the other side.
The meaning of the two dreams in the same night isn’t lost on me. To have the good, I have to accept the bad that comes with it. Can I do that?
All those months ago, I said no. That’s why I left him.
Since then?
I’ve become stronger. Maybe not physically, but mentally. No one will ever manipulate me as easily as Carlos did. Nobody will ever break me like that again.
Does that mean I’m ready for the dangerous life the monster is offering me? No, I’m not, and I don’t know if I ever will be. Which is why I need to keep pushing him away. I can’t let myself get attached to him again.
Which is a very hard thought to have as he gently massages soap into my scalp, making my entire body relax into the warm water. I missed this jacuzzi, but I miss him pampering me in it, more.
My mind flashes back to the last time we were here together. How afraid he was to touch me as I confessed everything to him. The bruises that painted my skin that night. The way I needed to feel him all over me. It was the only thing that would have comforted me that night, even if I wasn’t planning to leave the next day.
Even though he was gentle with me that night, he was still incredible. He’s always been incredible, which is why I find myself continuing to give in to him.
“What are you thinking about?” His voice is so soft I almost don’t hear it, but the reminder that he’s here while I’m thinking about what happened the last time we were in a bath together has my cheeks heating. He hums in appreciation. “If you don’t tell me, I’m going to make my own assumptions based on that blush.”
What could it hurt? It’s natural for me to remember that night while we’re together like this. It wasn’t exactly a forgettable night. “I was thinking about the last time we were here.”
My eyes stay closed as he continues rubbing my scalp, but I can imagine his reaction. He’s probably staring down at me, lost in the memory himself.
“I don’t like to think about that night,” he admits. My eyes snap open, not caring about the possibility of getting soap in them as I stare at him with hurt. “No, not because of that. Well, not entirely. But, I can’t help wondering if I had just put you to bed that night and comforted you, would you have stayed? Did I push you away because I couldn’t control myself?”
“No,” I answer quickly, hurt that he would think that. “Ca -”
That’s twice now. Twice in the handful of hours that I’ve been here that I almost slipped and said his name. I need to remember that he’s the monster, but it’s so hard when he’s this vulnerable.
Taking a deep breath to restart, I tell him, “Nothing could have changed that night. I knew before you even brought me here that I needed to leave. I’m not safe, not as long as I’m in this world with you. That night was just my selfishness. I just needed you one more time before I never had you again.”
“What do I need to do to convince you that you’re safe with me? Trust me, I learned my lesson about leaving you in the hands of someone that’s not as invested in you as I am. It won’t happen again.”
“What am I supposed to do? Stay here forever? I can’t do that. I have my own life that I want to live.”
The monster scoffs as if the thought of keeping me captive here is insulting. Like he hasn’t done it before. “No, baby. You’re going back to school next week, I’m just using this as a little vacation. But you’re going back with my head of security, and he’ll be watching you every minute that I can’t.”
I don’t answer. What would I say? Even if I fought him, it would happen anyway. I’m surprised he hasn’t sent one of his men to watch me yet, so it’s not a surprise that was his plan all along.
“Wouldn’t it be better to just let me go, so I’m not in any danger?” It seems like the obvious solution, but the monster is a complicated man.
“Better, maybe, but that’s not an option,” he answers. He gestures for me to dunk my head, and I do, letting him scrub the soap out of my hair.
Fighting with the monster is pointless. He always gets what he wants in the end, no matter how hard I try. If he wants to send security with me, who am I to argue? There’s one fight he’ll learn he can never win, though, and he’s determined to find that out the hard way.
We finish the rest of our bath in peaceful silence, just enjoying the comfort of each other’s company. The monster did everything for me, from washing my hair to rubbing soap into my back. Unlike the last time I was here, I offer nothing in return.
“Dry off and get dressed,” he instructs me as I wrap one of his soft towels around myself. “Preferably in something stretchy. I still have all of your clothes in the guest room if you didn’t pack anything suitable, or you could wear a pair of my sweatpants. We both know how much I enjoy you in my clothes.”
I look at him questioningly, waiting for an explanation. He wraps his own towel around himself and walks out, leaving me alone in the bathroom with more questions than answers.
Oh, well. Sometimes it’s better to not know what’s going through the monster’s head. He could just want me to be comfortable, or we could go on a twenty-mile hike to try to bond again. Either way, I’ll listen so I’m not caught in a mini skirt while trying to climb up a mountain. Not that I would wear one around him.
I’m not going to take his clothes, though. He doesn’t deserve that satisfaction. I think I just shoved a few pairs of jeans in my suitcase, but the last time I was here, I remember finding some leggings and sweatshirts.
Walking out of the bathroom with my towel securely fastened around me, I make my way out to the bedroom door, avoiding looking at the monster. I’m sure he’s still partially naked, waiting for me to ogle him again.
When I make it to what used to be my bedroom, I head straight for the closet and close the door behind me. I know he still has the cameras up, and he wouldn’t be shy about using them in this situation.
Quickly dressing in black leggings and a black hoodie, I grab my towel and walk back to the monster’s room to tell him I’m ready. My hair is still wet, but I don’t plan on styling it. It’s not like there’s anyone here for me to impress.
As soon as I step into the room, I spot the monster, sitting on his bed waiting for me. He followed his own advice and wore sweatpants, and of course no shirt. What catches my eye is the mask resting over his head, hiding his face from me.
“Put your hair up,” he instructs me as soon as he sees it still dangling down my back. I do as I’m told, happy to not have the wet strands weighing down my neck. I wait to see if he’s going to put a shirt on, but he walks around me and straight out of the bedroom instead.
I follow him, assuming that’s what he wants, but he doesn’t turn around to make sure I’m still there. “Where are we going?” I call after him.
He turns his head slightly, just enough for me to see the silver detailing on the cheeks. “To the gym,” he answers. That’s all the explanation I get as he marches us through the house into the basement where he once showed me his gym. It feels like a lifetime has passed since the last time I was in this room, and I suppose in a way, it has been. I was a completely different person back then.
“Fitting,” I announce sarcastically. “The monster of my nightmares bringing me back to the basement. I thought this was just about you winning me back, I didn’t realize we were starting from the beginning.”
The monster chuckles as he turns around to face me. “That’s good, baby. Keep up the attitude. You’ll need it.”
Before I can register what he said, he’s on top of me. He spins me around and slams my back into his chest as his arms wrap around me, locking my arms to my sides.
“What the hell!” I yell, wriggling to escape his hold. If he wanted me in his arms, why didn’t we just stay in bed all day? Not that I wanted to.
“Try to get free,” he instructs. What does he think I’m doing? I wriggle more, trying to throw him off balance or at least loosen his grip, but he doesn’t even budge. He’s much larger than I am, and much stronger, too. If he wants to hold me here all day, he can, and I can’t fight him.
“I can’t!” I yell out, frustrated at my weakness.
“You can,” he encourages me. “Try harder.”
A thought hits me, and it’s devious in all the right ways. I don’t try to fight him this time. My head swivels until I’m looking into his deep, stormy blue eyes through the mask.
“Have I ever told you how pretty your eyes look when you’re wearing this mask? It reminds me of the first time you made me come. Remember? You snuck into my apartment and forced me to come on your fingers, while you were staring down at me through the holes in your mask.”
The longer I talk, reminding him of our past, the softer his eyes get. But that’s not the only thing that gets softer. Once I’ve finished reminiscing, I push forward, breaking free from his weakened hold on me. He always was pretty easy to distract.
I don’t make it two steps away before he grabs my shoulders and pulls me back to him.
“Nice try, my little seductress, but that’s not good enough. I need you to actually escape me without cheating.”
His arms wrap tightly around me again, securing me against his body. More wriggling and all my effort later, I huff and give up. “You’re too strong for me. This isn’t fair.”
“It’s not supposed to be,” he answers. “Now escape.”
Out of pure frustration, I push up onto my toes and slam my head back. It connects with the chin of the mask, but the mask must slam into his face. He howls in pain as his arms unwrap from me to bring his hands to his aching chin. As soon as I’m free, I run away from him, putting enough distance between us so he can’t pull me back.
My head is throbbing now, but it was worth it to see the pain and anger in his eyes. What else was I supposed to do? He asked for it.
“Clever,” he praises me, much to my surprise. “Let’s do that again, only this time, do me a favor and don’t bruise my face. How am I supposed to make you fall for me if I look like the monster you think I am?”
“That’s funny, especially since you’re wearing that mask instead of letting me see your face,” I retort.
“That’s the point. You need to see me as the monster, not as the man if this is going to work,” he explains. His explanation only leaves me more confused.
“If what is going to work? What are we even doing here? If you wanted me to beat you up, I would have done so without asking twice.” Seriously, it would have been a pretty good way to get my anger out. He doesn’t really deserve it, but I would feel better.
“You want to hit me? Then hit me.”
I stare at him blankly, trying to process what he just told me. He walks toward me, invading my space as he continues talking.
“I took you, Ainsley. Took you away from your life, your friends, all because I’m a selfish bastard. I drugged you just to get you to my house, and then held you captive while I touched you Every. Single. Day.”
“Stop it,” I tell him, not wanting to hear this.
“I made you fall in love with me, and then I left you alone in a room full of dangerous men that would love to see me fail. They drugged you and took you to get to me . You were just collateral damage. You were sold to my enemy like an animal.”
“Stop,” I shout louder, his words bouncing around my head. Everything he’s saying is the truth, but all of it hurts to hear. It brings me back to all of those memories.
“It took me a week to find you, and when I finally did, I didn’t even protect you. I let them shoot me, right in front of you while you were driven away. They treated you like garbage, all to get to me, a man everyone thought was dead. They beat you, collared you, and made you sleep on the floor like a dog. And still, I wasn’t there to save you.”
“Please, stop,” I plead. His words are making me want to curl into a ball and cry into my arms, but he doesn’t give up.
“He tried to rape you, and you called out for me, and I still wasn’t there. You almost jumped off that balcony, and you would have died because I didn’t save you soon enough. It’s my fault. I put you in danger, and here I am, doing it all over again because I’m so fucking selfish that I refuse to see you happy without me.”
“Stop it!” I scream, exploding as my hands push against his bare chest, trying to push him away from me. When he doesn’t even look affected, I get angrier. My fists pound against his chest as he looks at me with complete calmness, watching me let go of all the anger I’ve kept pent up until now.
My fists fly to his mask, hitting him over and over again until they ache and I can’t use them anymore. He still doesn’t flinch.
“It’s not your fault! You did everything to find me! You never stopped, you tortured everyone you could find just to get to me!” The heel of my foot slams into his toes, and this time I hear a grunt, but he still doesn’t move to stop me. “You felt my pain with me. You came for me, the day you woke up in the hospital from being shot. From trying to save me!”
My screams are turning to sobs as the energy flows out of me. I wanted to be angry at him, but not like this. He didn’t deserve this, not after everything he did to keep me safe.
“You came for me,” I remind him as my tears choke me. “And you were there with me every single day, telling me to just stay strong. It’s not your fault.”
As my hands rest against his chest, too exhausted to hit him again, he pulls me to him and holds me tight as my sobs break through. My entire body shakes with the effort, but he sits there and takes it as calmly as he took the beating I just gave him.