Chapter 20 #3
She had been right all along about him. Of course her mistaken assumptions about his past with Mr. Wickham had been proven false, but her impression that he was rude and unpleasant and thought himself above his company was depressingly accurate.
He could be kind when he chose to, she herself had been the recipient of his kindness, but that made it all the more deplorable when he was so rude to her relations.
He knew better and she knew he could do better, but he simply wasn’t willing to take the trouble to be kind to people he thought beneath him, no matter their relation to her. Not even for her sake.
She spared a moment for the irony of it all.
She was considered beneath him by many, yet he had offered for her!
Why would he do such a thing if he were so concerned about his precious connections?
Had he not thought this would happen? That he would be thrown into the company of lowly tradesmen?
She feared she had been right when she sent him that first letter.
They would not suit. It was too late now; they would be married in the morning.
She would be bound forever to a man who hated the very people she loved most and who disdained perfectly worthy people not because of their actions or behavior, but because of a silly sense of rank and entitlement.
She felt sick and warm all over and had the disturbing feeling that she was about to cry.
She forced herself to calm and took deep breaths, feelings of vindication in being right warring with a desperate desire to be wrong. She didn’t want to be right about this; after all, she was bound to him now, there was no escaping it.
She recited a silly poem to herself to lighten her mood.
When that didn’t work, she recalled moments of her childhood that she found particularly funny or lighthearted: Mary falling in the mud and being so angry about it she pulled Elizabeth in with her and they both dissolved into girlish giggles; Lydia as a baby laughing hysterically while Elizabeth made funny faces for her just to hear the delightful sound; Jane trading her sampler for Elizabeth’s when their mother was inspecting their work, knowing hers was better and not wanting her mother to be disappointed in Elizabeth.
Finally, Elizabeth felt composed enough to re-enter the party, but her reprieve was short lived.
Darcy entered the hall a minute later and she rolled her eyes at his attempt at chivalry.
Would that he understood a true gentleman would not chase his betrothed into the hall because he would not have caused her to escape there in the first place.
He took her arm and led her back to the corner. “Will you not tell me what is wrong?”
“I do not understand, Mr. Darcy, how you can proclaim to love a woman so passionately while at the same time detesting her relations wholeheartedly. How does one accomplish such a feat?”
She was satisfied with the shocked look on his face and quickly gathered her skirts and pushed past him, leaving him wide-eyed in the corner.
He quickly turned and grabbed her arm. She spun around to face him in a swirl of skirts and righteous indignation. Her eyes were ablaze and Darcy felt a moment of fear when he looked at the rigid set of her face.
“What do you mean, madam?” he asked.
“What do I mean? Surely you know you have been less than civil with my aunt and uncle. You have nearly been hostile! What can you mean by it? How can you behave so poorly to my dearest relations?”
Darcy took a deep breath and released it through flared nostrils.
“Your aunt was hinting at an invitation to Pemberley. It was unseemly. Did you ever think that perhaps I was not the one being uncivil?”
“She what? I find that very difficult to believe.”
He huffed. “She commented on the season and how beautiful Derbyshire was likely to be. She clearly wished to see it for herself!”
“Oh? Are you sure she didn’t say Derbyshire is beautiful this time of year, not likely to be?
” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “She hails from Derbyshire, Fitzwilliam! It is her home! Which you would likely know if you had deigned to speak with her more than two sentences before today. She was likely trying to converse with you, but you had to be taciturn with her and assume the worst. Why would she need an invitation to a county filled with her family and friends? And even if she had been hoping for an invitation, which I sincerely doubt, would that be so wrong? I am her niece! She has known me since I was a babe! Is it so unusual for her to want to see where I will live out my days and ensure I am well settled? Is care and genuine interest in another’s life so foreign to you that you see nothing but artifice and manipulation? ”
“Manipulation? I am not the one pretending to be something I am not, a lesson your uncle clearly needs to learn.”
She gritted her teeth. “When did dressing fashionably and behaving politely become so offensive?”
He drew himself up tall and a deeper shade of hauteur overtook his features. “You should not have invited them without speaking to me,” he declared.
“I told you how much my uncle means to me. You knew he was important. And yet, you still treated him like dirt on your boot.” Not unlike how your aunt is treating me, she thought.
“You told me no such thing!”
“Yes, I did! In our letters, I told you about the necklace he gave me and that we shared a special bond. He is my godfather. He is my family, Fitzwilliam.”
Darcy was red with anger and didn’t know what to say.
He stood staring at her, breathing and trying to calm himself, his feelings utterly at war.
He had been so happy just a few moments ago; his future seemed so bright.
Now, he could not believe she dared to speak to him in such a way; he was terribly offended.
And he thought her incredibly beautiful in her righteous anger and felt outrageously attracted to her, all at the same time.
But how dare she speak to him thus in his own home!
It will be her home tomorrow. And did you not say you wanted a wife with spirit, not one who would cower every time you frowned? he thought traitorously. He glanced at her in time to see a single tear track down one red cheek as she took a shuddering breath.
Feeling cut to the quick by the sight of her, he wondered if she was correct, and if she was, what did that say about him?
“I, I,” he breathed, unable to settle on any one emotion from the several roiling within him. “My God, Elizabeth!” He pulled her to him and crushed his lips against hers, holding her so tightly his arms ached from the effort.
At first she was stiff against him, her small fists at his chest, but when he didn’t let her go after a minute, she pounded her hands against his shoulders.
Finally, he released her mouth and looked at her with wild eyes.
Her angry retort stopped on her lips as she saw the fire in his gaze.
He was breathing hard, as was she, and his desperation was palpable. Had he always loved her so fiercely?
After a few moments she relented and wrapped her arms about his waist, holding him just as tightly as he held her. She laid her head on his chest, and he kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back slowly.
“I cannot give up my family, Fitzwilliam. I cannot,” she whispered. “I love them too much.”
In the end, it was the soft sound of her voice gently entreating him that pierced his heart. “Of course not, my love. I will never ask it of you. You have my word.”
She nodded silently, trying to keep the tears at bay. Tentatively, she put her hands on his shoulders and stood on her toes, pressing a gentle kiss on his lips.
“We should return and say goodnight. We’ve likely already been missed,” she said.
“You go ahead. I will call for your carriage.”
“Thank you.”
Before she knew it, Elizabeth was being handed into the carriage by Darcy who gave her hand a quick squeeze before waving them off.
Though she was no longer seething with anger, Elizabeth was far from calm as she prepared for bed that night. She paced back and forth, her nightgown twisting around her ankles, muttering to herself and gesticulating wildly.
“What has you so distraught, Lizzy?” asked Jane from her seat at the dressing table.
“My betrothed and his ridiculous pride, that’s what!” she exclaimed.
“But you’ve been getting along so well!” cried Jane.
“Yes, until I saw his true feelings. I cannot believe his opinion of my family! I’m surprised he lowered himself to offer for me, with my degrading connections!
Is he not afraid the smell of Cheapside will rub off when we kiss, or is the Darcy name enough to cleanse me for his exalted society?
” She took a shuddering breath, surprised at her own vehemence.
“Elizabeth,” said Jane gravely, “surely he did not call your family a degradation.”
“He didn’t have to say it, Jane. It was written all over his face.”
“Are you sure that’s what he meant? You couldn’t have misunderstood him?”
“Jane! You weren’t there. You didn’t see the look in his eyes or how he spoke so dismissively of the Gardiners.”
“I’m sorry, Lizzy. This must be difficult for you.”
Elizabeth sighed. “It is. But it is done.”
“I’m sure it isn’t all bad. Mr. Darcy is desperately in love with you. If you ask it of him, I’m sure he will take the time to get to know our relations and see their merit. He cannot fail to see their worth if he knows them, surely. His pride cannot be so important to him.”
“You don’t know him, Jane. His pride makes most of his decisions, I fear.”
Jane shook her head. “But he chose you, Elizabeth. His heart must be stronger than his pride.”
Elizabeth looked at her in surprise, and her heart lightened ever so slightly.