Chapter 5
Knox
Idon’t go straight home. I drive around and around and around, trying to process the night, but it’s no use.
I’m not gay. Or bi. Or into guys at all.
Not to mention, he’s so fucking young that even if I were into guys, I’d at least go after someone born in the same decade as me.
I try chalking it up to the alcohol, but in reality, I didn’t drink nearly enough to make myself think kissing him back was a good idea.
Next, I try blaming it on the environment.
Everyone in that bar wanted to touch him. The way his smooth, cut body glistened with sweat under the lights. It was enough to make anyone crazy with lust. His voice surrounded us while his energy lit us up from the inside.
It wasn’t just me.
But that kiss was just for me, my brain supplies unhelpfully.
I didn’t see it coming until his lips were already plastered against mine. Buttery soft, warm, and wet, I’ve never been kissed with so much heat. Not wanting him to feel rejected or made a fool of, I kissed him back.
Yeah, that’s it.
I did it for him. To have not kissed him back could’ve ruined his night or hurt his feelings, and I know what I saw in his eyes. He was already hurting enough.
Satisfied with that justification, I finally turn toward home, feeling lighter. Now that the mystery is solved, I can let it go.
Except two weeks later, I still haven’t let it go.
The few times Phoenix and the guys have been available to hang out, I can’t help but watch them more intently. Where their hands go. How they kiss. Specifically, the all-male couples. They’re interesting to me in a way they never were before.
And it pisses me off.
They constantly touch each other, share looks, crowd each other’s space. And every time it happens, I’m transported back to that night at the bar.
Pulling up to Phoenix’s now, I steel myself for another night of fake smiles, guarded answers, and being the seventh wheel. Always the odd man out.
My self-loathing is at an all-time high these days. I’ve completely lost myself in my pain, grief, guilt, and isolation. Every situation I find myself in only seems to make it worse, and my mandatory hiatus from the fire station hasn’t helped anything either.
“I didn’t say it was better,” Jake argues with Hudson, taking a long pull from his beer bottle as I approach the group, most of whom are already seated around the bonfire. “I just said it’s different and what I prefer, obviously, and since we’re both guys, I think we do it more often.”
“Oh, it’s definitely better.” Phoenix laughs.
“You only say that because the love of your life is a guy, but what if you’d fallen in love with one of the women you’d fucked instead?” Hudson asks. “You don’t think you’d be having as much sex?”
I wince as I approach, wishing he wouldn’t use such crass language around Shannon. She doesn’t seem to mind, but God, have chivalry and manners really died? Stepping out of the shadows and into the light of the flames, Phoenix sees me and yells my name.
“Knoxy!”
I huff a laugh at his enthusiasm. “Hey, Phoe.”
“Someone hand him a beer,” Phoenix instructs.
Jake reaches into the cooler next to him and holds a can out for me.
“Still trying to convince Hudson to take a wild ride on the gay side?” I ask, popping the top on the can and taking a seat in one of the empty folding chairs.
Did I forget to mention my best friends think it’s a grand ole time having the dick vs. pussy debate?
I force my question out as nonchalantly as I can because if I can keep the attention on Hudson, then it’s off me for once.
Jake chokes on his beer, and Phoenix snorts. “Nah, Hud’s already been there. We’re trying to figure out who has more sex at this point.”
I whip my head toward Hudson, who shrugs.
“What? I was curious in college, like a lot of guys. Figured it was as good a time as any to literally fuck around and find out. Plus, I was shit-faced the way only a twenty-two-year-old can be without actually dying, so I knew I could blame it on the alcohol if it wasn’t my thing. ”
Shit-faced the way only a twenty-two-year-old can be. That’s it! Taylor—whose name I heard in the bathroom and will most likely never forget—was shitfaced. That’s why he couldn’t hide the pain in his eyes. That’s also why he kissed me.
Shit-faced.
Another explanation given for the mistake that happened that night. Relief should be immediate.
So why do I feel like Phoenix is standing on my chest, dancing the jig in his cowboy boots?
“Top or bottom?” Phoenix asks Hudson, pulling me back to the present.
Hudson just smiles. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Yeah. I would,” Phoenix deadpans. “Hence, the reason I asked.”
Hudson just laughs. “I’ll never tell. Some things I’m taking to my grave.”
Phoenix snorts again. “Sounds like something a straight guy who took a dick up the ass would say. I’m going with bottom.
” He takes a sip of his beer and then adds, “But there’s nothing wrong with that.
Hell, Walker and I fight for bottom sometimes.
It’s nice to let someone else call the shots so you can just go along for the ride… and man, do I love the ride.”
“Phoe,” I grumble, silently begging him to stop. “You’re oversharing again.”
My statement makes him laugh harder. “Considering you’ve never known the joy of having a man in your arms or his meat in your ass, I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
Oh, but you’re wrong. And I feel like I’m holding on to a livewire every time I think about how Taylor felt in my arms.
I only last an hour before I call it a night.
I knew for my sanity’s sake, I needed to hit the road as soon as I saw Walker’s headlights blinking through the trees lining their driveway.
Although Jake and Dylan are very affectionate, they mostly keep it PG…
but Phoenix and Walker? You should be required to show ID to be around them.
“Pleasure as always,” I say, clapping hands with Phoenix and patting him on the back. “But I’m gonna head out.”
“So soon? You’ve had a beer,” he whines. Phoenix is adorable when he pouts. I ruffle his hair like the man-child he is.
“I have to be at a new jobsite tomorrow. Big project too, so I need to make sure I get plenty of rest.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know someone is going to give me hell.
But I wasn’t expecting it to be Dylan.
“Knoxy, you’re forty-five, not eighty-five. Stay.”
I’ve had a hard time looking Dylan in the eye ever since I was forced to do a body shot off him a couple months ago. Something else I’ve buried deep in the recesses of my mind. I’m ashamed to admit I’ve thought about it more than once since it happened.
Avoiding eye contact, I wave to the group as a whole as I answer Dylan. “I would but the next couple of days are demolition days, so I really do need to get to bed.”
Where I’ll toss and turn while trying like hell to avoid thinking about things I have no business thinking about until I exhaust myself and fall into a fitful sleep.