Chapter 9
Knox
Ishould’ve ended this conversation four texts ago. Hell, I never should have answered to begin with, but that knowledge doesn’t stop me from hitting send on another message.
Knox
Stay safe tonight.
At twenty-four, Taylor is technically an adult—one I don’t know at all—but I think about what Phoenix was like when I first met him and suddenly, the warning feels appropriate. As far as their boldness and zeal for life, Taylor and Phoenix seem like two peas in a happy-to-live-dangerously pod.
Taylor
I always am, but it’s nice to know you worry about me.
Knox
I don’t worry about you. I don’t even know you.
Taylor
We should fix that.
What’s your favorite color?
I snort a laugh even though he can’t hear it. I need to put my fucking phone down, but my fingers start moving across the keyboard of their own volition.
Knox
All the questions you could ask, and you go for my favorite color?
Taylor
Figured it was a softer place to start than, ‘Do you like dick?’
Knox
Goodnight, Taylor.
Taylor
That wasn’t a no…
Go to fucking sleep, Knox, I plead with myself. But the plea goes unanswered because I’m too busy answering Taylor instead.
Knox
It wasn’t a yes, either.
Taylor
Okay, so we’ll call it a maybe.
I don’t respond…but my fingers clutch my phone as if it were the thing feeding me oxygen or the only means of filtering poison from my blood.
Because even if it’s only temporary, someone wants me, and each message sends a hit of dopamine straight to my system, slowly filling a tank that’s been empty for quite a while.
Taylor
I bet I can convince you to give it a try.
Still, I hold strong and type nothing. Taylor’s most likely drunk, regardless of what he says, and will regret this whole conversation in the morning.
That’s a lie, my brain chides. Even after only a handful of interactions, I know without a doubt that Taylor Landry lives with no regrets. Part of me envies him for that, but that way of life will continue to evade me, because I’m great at regretting things. In fact, I regret a lot of things.
Like opening this can of worms.
My phone dings again, and my eyes are immediately drawn to the screen.
Taylor
Are you asleep or ignoring me?
That was a dumb question. Either way, you won’t respond.
Fuck my life. I can’t explain why, but I don’t want him to think I’m ignoring him. I know I’m setting myself up for an amazing amount of self-loathing in the future, but that’s a problem for tomorrow.
Knox
I’m not ignoring you.
Taylor
You sure about that? Doesn’t seem like you’re asleep.
Knox
I’m not really sure about anything right now.
Except that someone needs to come take this fucking phone out of my hands. What is it about the cover of darkness that makes a person think their actions won’t come back to bite them in the ass with the morning light?
I fucking know better…but apparently, I no longer care.
Admitting that small truth feels kind of good.
It feels honest at least. Honest in a way I can’t be with my friends because I couldn’t stand it if they started calling, texting, or inviting me to shit out of pity.
And they would. Because they’re good friends and want to be there for me, but opening up in some heart-to-heart isn’t my style.
I’m more of the suffer-in-silence type.
Taylor
Sounds serious. Wanna talk about it?
The mood has shifted in this conversation, and I’m so tired of being the harbinger of negativity.
The last thing I want to do is dim Taylor’s light or drag him down with my sinking ship.
Despite the turmoil I saw in his eyes that night at the bar, it’s clear his soul is pure and kind, and he deserves to always wear a smile.
I don’t want to be the reason he can’t, doesn’t, or won’t.
Knox
No. Enjoy your trip. I’ll see you on Monday.
Taylor
I’ll make sure you do.
Forty minutes later, I finally fall asleep envisioning spandex shorts and rhinestone freckles on a face I shouldn’t want to see, but God help me, I do.
“Full house, boys! Read ‘em and weep,” Cassie yells as she lays her cards across my kitchen table. I thought game night with my friends might help get me out of my head for a little while, and it’s been a nice reprieve even if I’m still silently fighting to keep the conversation from last night at bay.
“Fuck’s sake,” I mutter, throwing my cards down. “This deck is rigged. That’s the fifth hand you’ve won tonight.”
“I agree with Knoxy,” Jake says. “I’m out. I don’t have any more money to lose.”
Seven pairs of eyes swing to Jake. Even his own husband is looking at him with a raised brow.
“You know, for someone worth over a billion dollars, you’re awfully stingy when it comes to poker,” Cassie says to her brother-in-law while sliding her chips toward her already massive pile.
“Meanwhile, you’ve been a shark since the first time we let you play,” Phoenix tells Cassie. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve taught yourself how to count cards.”
My brows furrow as I look at my best friend. “I don’t think counting cards applies to Texas Hold ‘Em, Phoe. I think that’s just games like Blackjack.”
Phoenix shrugs. “Whatever. She’s still got some kind of voodoo up her sleeve.”
Cassie, Dylan’s twin sister, has finally moved back home. She brought her boyfriend Miguel with her, making our crew whole.
I’m in the kitchen refilling the salsa bowl when I hear Jake’s voice ring out over the chatter of the lively group.
“Hey, Knox?”
Something in his tone has the hair on the back of my neck standing up.
“Yeah?” I answer, peering around the corner to see Jake holding my cell phone.
Shit.
Before I can ask him what the fuck he’s doing with my phone, he says, “Why is your ex-wife calling you?”
The bowl of salsa slips from my hands and shatters on the spinning floor at my feet. Someone calls my name, but I can’t make out whose voice it is over the sudden pounding in my ears. Next thing I know, there’s a hand on my elbow, and my ass lands in a chair.
“Knox?” It’s Jake calling me, but all I can do is shake my head.
She wouldn’t, I try to tell him. But nothing comes out.
Except that she is. Her name is still lighting up the screen.
“Knox!” Jake barks again, pulling my eyes from the phone to him. “Why is Karen calling you?” Jake has never made his opinion of my ex-wife a secret. His disdain for her is worse than anyone else’s, even though none of my friends are big fans of hers.
“I don’t know,” I reply truthfully, finally finding my voice.
Mercifully, the screen goes black, signaling the end of the call, but Jake keeps his eyes pinned to me. I feel so vulnerable, like all the pain I’ve tried to keep buried is rising to the surface, painting my features for everyone at this table to marvel at like a piece of disturbing art.
Somewhere to my left, Hudson asks, “Has she reached out before now?”
I shake my head.
I haven’t heard from her since the night before she walked out, leaving everything behind, including me.
“She didn’t leave a voicemail,” Jake announces. “Maybe it was accidental.”
That would be the cruelest butt-dial of all time.
I sit unmoving as he sets my phone on the table between us.
A sick part of me is dying to hear her voice again.
The curiosity to know what she could possibly have to say after all this time is rolling through me in waves.
But even if she had left a voicemail, I couldn’t listen to it while they’re here.
I already know all my possible responses would be shameful.
There’d be tears, or drinking, or throwing things. Maybe all three.
“Block her number,” Jake demands beside me.
“I can’t,” I whisper, hating how pathetic that truth makes me.
“You can,” he says, growing frustrated.
“You don’t get it!” I slam my hand down on the table, matching his frustration. “Karen was everything to me for over two decades, Jake. That’s almost your entire fucking lifetime!”
I feel everyone suck in a breath, pulling the oxygen from the room. You could hear a pin drop if it weren’t for my heavy breathing.
“Yeah,” Jake says calmly, “and then she walked out the door and didn’t even have the decency to tell you why. So, you’ll excuse me if my grace period for her bullshit is non-existent. Look what one phone call’s done to you. No one should have that kind of power over you, Knox.”
But it wasn’t just one phone call.
It was this phone call on top of all the other shit going on in my head. My internal monologue has been fucked up ever since that night at the karaoke bar and has only gotten worse since running into Taylor Landry again, not to mention our late-night text conversations.
Phoenix holds his hands up. “Okay, everyone, take a deep breath. I think poker’s over. How about we let Knoxy out from under the microscope, yeah?”
Hudson looks at his watch. “Yeah, sure. I’ve gotta get home anyway. I’ll stay and help clean up, though,” he offers while I stay seated at the table, too embarrassed by my outburst to look at my friends.
“I’ve got it,” Phoenix interjects.
Dylan heads outside behind Cassie and Miguel. As Jake leaves the kitchen to follow Hud, he gives me an apology and pulls me in for a hug. “I just hate seeing you so torn up over her. She isn’t worth it, Knox.”
I nod and clap him on the back, but remain silent.
Finally, when just Phoenix and I remain, I busy myself with cleaning up the table, suddenly too jittery and anxious to stay seated.
“You want to talk about it?” he asks.
Immediately, I shake my head. No.
“When are you going to start letting us in, Knox?” I stay quiet until his hand lands on my arm, stilling my movements.
“You once told me to stop running from my demons and talk to them, or they’d end up being the only company I kept.
I’m telling you to do the same. What’s going on?
I’m sure Karen’s call is jarring, but you’ve been acting weird for a couple weeks now. ”
Refusing to open up to Phoenix would make me a giant hypocrite, and that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
But where do I start?
Taking a deep breath, I admit as much as I can. “Look, Phoe.” I pause and lick my lips, hating how vulnerable I am right now. “I’m just going through a rough patch, you know?”
I was a fool to think he’d let me leave it there.
“Rough how?” he prods, moving about my kitchen and mercifully keeping his eyes off me.
I scrub a hand down my face, deciding how much to tell him, or even what to tell him. I don’t want him to feel bad for finding happiness and love with Walker.
“It’s been challenging as much as it’s been rewarding to watch you, Jake, and Hud find Walker, Dylan, and Shannon,” I start. “But I was already the odd man out, being almost fifteen years older than all of you.”
Before I can continue, Phoenix turns to face me, ready to argue. “No one’s age has ever mattered in our circle, and you know it. Now tell me what’s really going on.”
“I’m tired of being alone.”
There. I said it.
“Knox,” Phoe starts, but I already know where it’s going. “You’re not—”
“Alone?” I finish for him. “Yeah, Phoe. I am. Every night when I climb into bed and every day when I climb out of it. It’s just me. Watching after you guys and hanging out the past few years has been great, but you’re all moving on with your own families, and I’m still in the same place I was.”
“Then you’ve gotta change it up, Knoxy,” Phoe says.
“You know the saying. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.
Maybe it’s time to start branching out. Try a new dating app.
Talk to someone at your gym. Get your bike out.
Hell, I haven’t seen you ride in almost two years. ”
Probably because I haven’t. I love my old Triumph, but so did Karen. The last time I took it out, the memory of her behind me was so strong it was like she was actually there, and I couldn’t bear the memory.
And now she’s fucking calling me.
“You want me to call her back? See what’s going on?” Phoenix asks.
I shake my head. This is my shit to deal with. As is Taylor. I retreat into myself, dismissing Phoenix.
“Nah, man. It’s all good. I’ll handle it. Why don’t you get out of here? I’m sure Walker’s home by now. He’s probably waiting for you.”
“I hate leaving you like this, Knox. I wish you’d open all the way up for once.”
I crack a smile and make a terrible joke. “I’m sure Walker is all the way open for you right now, so get the hell out of my kitchen.”
Phoenix huffs a laugh. “Did you just make a joke about my fiancé’s asshole?”
I shrug. “Guess I did.”
“I’m going to give you time to process, but we aren’t done talking about this. I’m going to do to you what you and Cassie did to me, so don’t think you’re off the hook,” Phoenix says, moving toward my front door.
“Yeah, yeah,” I grumble. “G’night, Phoe.”
“Goodnight, Knox.”