Chapter 1 #3
He laughs but there’s no humor in his eyes. “You’re a fucking stripper, dude. You get paid for people to objectify you. If you can’t handle things getting a bit touchy feely, then what are you even doing here?”
And that’s it. That’s the final straw. The moment I snap.
“Good fucking question,” I snarl in his face. I don’t bother elaborating on my answer, other than to flip him the bird as I march out of his dank office.
My heart is pounding and there’s a small voice in the back of my head reminding me that I need this god-damned job. But I’m too busy making a beeline toward the booth to pick up my earnings to think much beyond that.
Of course someone’s already cleared it out.
I ball up my fists and clench my jaw. However, I only allow myself a second to rage before spinning on my heel and heading straight for Jerry. “I need to cash out for the night,” I tell him without any preamble. My head is starting to pound, probably from sobering up as well as all this bullshit.
It only gets worse when Jerry frowns at me. “That was Fen’s session that just came in.”
I close my eyes, reminding myself that this guy’s only doing his job and wasn’t the one who molested me. Besides, the kid needs the money more than I do.
Maybe.
“Fine, I’ll just take what I’m owed for the week.”
He’s still frowning as he checks his watch. “Don’t have today’s wages yet. You know that, kid. Besides, you’re not done yet.”
I laugh hollowly. “Believe me, I’m done. I’ll just take whatever I can.”
He seems confused, but he does what I ask, slowly pulling together my share and slipping it into an envelope. “Everything okay, kid?” he asks as he hands it over.
A part of me appreciates the sliver of kindness he’s offering, but I’m too pissed to be nice about it. “Oh, yeah, everything’s just peachy. See you around, Jerry.”
I lie to myself and make a promise that I’ll come back next week and see if I can’t argue my way into getting the rest of what I’m owed. Deep down I know it’ll never happen, but the thought keeps my feet walking toward the dressing room at least.
Normally, I’d take my costume home and launder it myself.
But I just strip the shorts off, shove them into the cowboy hat, and discard them on the floor for someone else to deal with later.
It’s unclear if the long swig I take from the bottle of vodka I have stashed in my bag helps or hinders the situation, but doing something destructive gives me some savage satisfaction.
It usually does.
There are a few guys hanging around, either openly watching me or pretending not to be interested in my little tantrum.
But as soon as I’ve pulled my regular clothes on again, I hightail it out the door and don’t bother to say goodbye.
Part of me considers finding TJ on the floor and promising him I’ll pay him back either with cash or dope, but honestly?
I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep that promise.
Much easier to sneak out of this hell hole and never look back. Who knows? Maybe this is the kick up the ass I needed to finally sort my life out.
Or maybe things are about to go from bad to worse. I’m not optimistic about my chances that all of this is for the best, but I guess stranger things have happened.
I’m able to loosely cling to this delusion until I step out of the employee entrance and find someone waiting for me.
Three someones, to be precise.
“That’s him!” the cougar woman shrieks, pushing herself off the car she’d been leaning against and pointing at me with a trembling finger once again.
There’s still some mascara lingering around her eyes and a half-full bottle of Champagne is dangling from her other hand.
“That’s the guy who attacked me! You’re going to be sorry now, you little shit.
My husband and brother aren’t happy with you for hurting me at ALL! ”
Dread floods my chest as I take in the two huge guys flanking her. I hold up my hands and shake my head. “I don’t want any trouble. I was just defending myself.”
“From my sweet little wife?” the man on the right cries. His eyes are blazing as he advances on me, fists curled. “Oh, yeah, I’m sure you were really scared.”
The other guy, the brother, chuckles darkly as he crowds me from the left. “Let’s see how you like being pushed around, pretty boy.”
He jabs my shoulder with his fingers.
It doesn’t take a genius to work out what’s coming. I duck and try and zip past, thinking I might be able to outrun them. But they’re twice as big as me and it’s two against one.
I’m down on the ground before I know it, folding in on myself as I attempt to at least protect my head.
Who knows how long they whale on me for. It feels like an age but it’s probably only a minute or so before they get bored of kicking, punching, spitting and cursing.
“Come on,” one of the guys says above me. “He ain’t worth it.”
“Serves you right!” Cougar shrieks.
As I gasp for breath and blink my eyes open, I’m vaguely aware of them getting in their car and driving off.
It’s over.
I give myself some time to just lie on the ground and take stock of my injuries. Everything hurts. A couple of ribs are definitely cracked if not broken, and I’m going to be black and blue come morning, but at least I’m still alive.
I can’t tell if I’m relieved or disappointed.
Another several minutes pass before I can muster the strength to get back up on my feet and pick up my bag.
That’s when I realize my wallet is missing.
Oh. I think I was wrong earlier.
This might actually be the last straw.
There’s nothing that can stop the sob that racks my chest in that moment, the pain from my ribs barely registering through my despair. Hot tears spill down my face as I howl at the moon like a wolf. I was a fucking idiot to think my shitty life couldn’t get any shittier.
I’ve got nothing. No money for rent or food or anything strong enough to make this aching pain go away. Just whatever I already have in my apartment, which I already know isn’t much.
Eventually, I’m too exhausted to cry any longer.
Not wanting to spend the night in this dirty alleyway, I finally manage to make my feet move once more and shuffle my way like a zombie to the bus stop. After all the DUIs I’ve had, I haven’t owned a car for a long time. But damn it, right now I’d give anything to just drive myself home.
I wouldn’t have had the funds for an Uber even before those assholes robbed me, so I simply slouch down on the bench and wait for my chariot to ferry me home.
Mercifully, I still have my phone and a couple of dollars left to my name.
The screen might be cracked, but at least I can use that to pay my fare.
Once I’m aboard, I feel people looking my way on the bus.
But nobody talks to me, and that’s probably better for everyone involved.
I imagine there’s a cartoon storm cloud over my head, warning people to stay away from such a fucked-up loser.
By the time I reach my stop, the clouds are pitch black in my mind’s eye, the rain is torrential, and the thunder booms while the lightning flashes.
My own personal hurricane of misery.
It takes me three attempts to get my key in the lock, probably because I’ve been chugging on vodka the whole ride home. But I’m not numb enough, not by a long shot.
There’s nothing to stay awake for. I can’t bear it any longer. I need to get high or black out, whichever’s easiest. Anything to take this pain and shame away.
Nobody gives a shit about me. My life is a mess. I’m broke.
A macabre laugh bubbles out of me as I stand in the middle of my crappy apartment.
This is all I have to show from my life that started out so dazzling, so promising.
I’ve already pawned off anything that was remotely valuable.
I’m genuinely not sure what I’m going to do to un-fuck the situation this time.
All I have left to sell is myself. I wouldn’t be the first actor to turn to the world’s oldest profession, nor the last. But I really don’t know if I’m cut out for that.
There are too many big and angry thoughts buzzing around my brain.
I need it to be quiet, fast. Dropping my bag to the floor, I keep the vodka bottle and stumble over to my bedroom, yanking open the nightstand drawer.
Gratitude washes over me that I stashed some pills at the very back out of sight to keep for a rainy day.
Baby, tonight it’s fucking pouring.
I’m not sure how many I wash down before slumping against the side of my bed, my eyelids drooping. The fight is rapidly blowing out of me and another sob rips from my chest.
I’m so alone.
It’s probably a terrible idea, but I have no strength left to stop myself fumbling for my phone and hitting the one and only number I have left on speed dial.
Of course it rings out and goes to voicemail, but my addled brain recalls something vague about time zones, so I’m not that surprised.
“Heyyyy, Adam,” I slur, adding a hiccup and a giggle for good measure.
“It’s your useless baby bro. Just…checking in, I guess.
I think…I think things are really fucked this time, Adam.
I’m not sure there’s any coming back from this one.
Maybe I was always going to end up here…
wasted just like all the opportunities I blew.
” Another giggle. “That’s pretty poetic considering how fucking gone I am.
Weeee! Wonder if I’ll even remember calling you in the morning. If there even is a morning.”
I want to laugh again but it comes out as a pitiful sniffle.
“Adam…man, I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry.
I always let you down. Don’t worry about me.
Just…delete this. I wish I could make you proud of me like I’m proud of you.
Bro, you got all the good genes, I think.
All the clever, good decision-making brain cells.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’ll just disappear?
That’ll probably be for the best. So…I love you.
I don’t think I said that enough, but it’s true.
I love you, Adam. You never gave up on me like Mom and Dad, even though you should have.
You’re smart and have a beautiful family and I love that for you.
You deserve everything, man. Just…don’t worry about stupid Jesse another minute, ’kay?
I don’t want to be a burden anymore. Gonna sleep now… yeah. That’ll be better. Love you…”
The darkness is creeping in. I crumple, making myself as small as I can, hoping it’ll be enough to vanish between the cracks. The world is too bright, too loud, too fucking unfair and unkind.
I’m done.
I’m so done.