Chapter 7 Jesse
Jesse
Rico’s keys jangling in the door wake me, and the first thing I feel before I’m even fully awake is overwhelming relief.
I made it. It wasn’t pretty, but I did it.
“‘Lo?” I croak, rubbing my gritty eyes and sitting up on the sofa where I’m still in yesterday’s clothes, tangled in a sort of blanket nest. There’s a box of half-eaten pizza on the coffee table, open bottles of juice and soda, as well as packets of cookies and candy.
Shame washes through me. “I meant to put the pizza in the refrigerator,” I admit sheepishly.
“Thought you might want some for breakfast.”
He carefully puts his bag down and sits on the edge of the armchair, looking at me as he presses his palms together. “That’s okay,” he says, sounding like he means it.
I guess a guy like him doesn’t have to make sure he eats every bite of takeout if he dares to waste money on one. I spent his money, though, and I really wanted to share the damn thing with him. It was good.
“You slept here?” he asks. I brace for the judgement, but all I feel is his concern.
I nod and pull the blankets around me. “I watched TV until I passed out,” I explain.
My mouth is dry, so I lean over and snag the apple juice, downing a big gulp. It helps wake me up and for a moment, I just watch the television’s screensaver pulsing in front of me. I think I lost consciousness at about four o’clock after pausing the cop show I’d started binging.
Rico takes a breath. “Is everything okay, Jesse? I thought you were going to check in with me more often.”
I shake my head, watching the juice as I swirl it around in the glass. “I didn’t want to bother you. Your job is so important.”
I did text him every couple of hours to tell him I was okay until about midnight. But then things went a little…sideways. I inhale, bracing for what I’m about to say. But promising myself I’d tell him the truth was what got me through my moment of madness, so I need to come clean right away.
“After I ate as much as I could, I got the itch,” I confess, focusing on the juice in my hand so I don’t see the disappointment on his face.
“I…Rico, I knew there wasn’t any booze here, so I went hunting for pills.
I found a bottle of aspirin in the bathroom and it’s like I couldn’t stop myself.
I’m not even sure if I wanted to get high because it’s not like aspirin will do that.
More like I just had to be self-destructive. I swallowed so many—”
“Jesse,” he cries urgently, but I shake my head and plow on. Tears are stinging in my eyes and my chest is tight, but even though my voice is shaking, I need him to hear the rest. It’s important to me that he knows.
“Then it’s like I came out of a trance. I threw myself over the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat, barfing until everything was out.
” A little sob escapes but I also manage a small smile.
“What a waste of loaded fries and chicken tenders, but at least I had a whole pizza left to fill my stomach again. After I brushed my teeth, of course.”
The truth is, what snapped me out if it was imagining Rico was there with me. Like he’d appeared at the door and been so upset. I couldn’t do that to him, so I did what I could to fix my fuck-up before I did any real damage.
“I’m so sorry,” I mumble thickly.
But then he’s crouched in front of me, forcing me to look at him as he…
He’s smiling.
Huh?
“Jesse, are you kidding?” he says, sounding emotional himself.
“I’m so proud of you. We knew this wasn’t going to be easy and you’re bound to have bumps in the road.
Yes, you made a mistake, but you realized right away and undid it.
I wish you’d messaged me so you didn’t feel alone, but I mean it. I’m proud of you.”
My throat is too thick for me to speak for a second, so I just nod and blink away a few tears. I really thought he was going to be disgusted with me, particularly after he had to come home to this mess and no breakfast. But he’s just so kind and patient, my heart can’t take it.
“Thank you,” I manage to whisper after a while.
“Thank you for being strong,” he says firmly.
That’s so ludicrous, I laugh hollowly. “It was weak, not strong,” I snap before I remember that I’m angry at myself, not him.
He doesn’t even flinch, though. He just rubs my knee through the blanket. “Weakness would have been using my delivery app to order a bottle of vodka to wash those pills down with.”
I blink and meet his gaze. “I didn’t even think of that,” I say, astonished.
There. That’s the look of pride that I’ve been yearning for these past couple of days. The one that made me vomit until my insides burned because I had to know not one single damn pill was still lurking in my guts.
“Exactly,” he says through his beaming smile, his eyes glassy.
I’m not sure what to do after that. I don’t want him to let me go, but I know he will soon enough. “The TV kept me company,” I mumble. “That’s why I stayed out here. As long as it was talking to me, I thought it would drown out my bad thoughts.”
“That was good thinking,” Rico says. I don’t know if he’s being patronizing, but I take the praise and bask in it anyway.
It’s probably just me replacing one addiction with another, but it was as if those characters became my friends after the dozen or so episodes I mainlined.
There’s one young officer in particular that gets off to a rocky start with the rest of his squad who resonated with me.
I’m fully aware he’s fictional, but it’s almost like I’ve got a buddy in my pocket right now who knows what I’m going through because he’s been there as well.
Maybe the next time I get overwhelmed by a stupid idea, I can remind myself that he wouldn’t go through with it, so neither should I.
“You’re really not mad at me?” I ask in a small voice, peeking at him through my lashes.
“Not even a little bit,” he says, and I hear the relief in his voice.
It’s pathetic, but thinking that he might actually give a shit about me beyond his obligation to my brother makes me feel all tingly inside.
It makes me want to try again for another day.
“Jesse,” Rico says as he sits back on the armchair.
I miss the weight of his hand on my knee, but the serious way he says name immediately has me worrying that he’s going to take all his kind words back, after all.
So maybe it’s best he’s not touching me or gazing into my eyes from only a foot away if that’s the case.
“Um, yes?” I reply nervously. He bites his lip and interlinks his fingers again, looking down at them. Oh hell. Have I done something else to piss him off? “I’m sorry,” I blurt out, hedging my bets.
He blinks up at me and looks confused. “For what?”
“Whatever it is you’re about to read me the riot act for,” I say guiltily.
He stares for a second. “What? No! Okay, now I’m the one that’s sorry. I want to talk to you about something, but I don’t want to go about it the wrong way.”
I wince internally, knowing how difficult I’ve been to deal with ever since he found me.
Wild mood swings, completely irrational outbursts, violent self-loathing, and cocky arrogance all between numb silences and naps at strange hours.
He must be so tired of walking on eggshells on top of working a twenty-four-hour shift at a physically and emotionally taxing job.
If he’s not actually mad at me, that rallies my spirits. “Talk away. I promise I’ll do my best not to be a dick about anything.”
That gets half a smile out of him, and his shoulders lower an inch. “Okay, that’s good. Thank you. What I want to say…it’s kind of insane.”
That makes my eyebrows raise. “I doubt you’ve done anything insane in your life, Rico,” I say before I can second guess whether or not teasing him is a good idea. It feels nice, though, especially when his smile gets a little bigger. “You’re far too sensible and noble,” I add for good measure.
He sighs good-naturedly. “This is true,” he admits.
But then he shakes his head and leans his elbows on his knees, looking at me with those beautiful, soulful eyes of his.
“Okay. I guess I was wondering…okay. I know it’s only been a few days, and this is going to take time for you to get back on your feet.
But is there anything that might have helped you last night?
That could have stopped you swallowing the pills in the first place? ”
I laugh ruefully and collect more of the blankets around me.
“A padded cell,” I tell him bitterly. But it’s the truth.
“Honestly? I’m not sure. But when I went to rehab, it really felt like each time it was going to be possible to change my life.
It was going back out into the real world that always fucked me over again eventually.
So I’m probably crazy for thinking it’ll ever stick.
But the structure of being in a facility made it easier to shake old habits.
I just wish I knew how to do that by myself here. ”
My throat is tight and my eyes prickly as I try not to think about how many second chances I’ve squandered.
If I was a cat, I’d be on something like my fifth or sixth life by now.
Nobody’s going to be sticking their neck out for me anymore.
I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to stay sober when the real world is made of non-stop temptation.
When I look back at Rico, I’m expecting him to have a polite neutral expression or perhaps be annoyed that I didn’t assure him that a little meditation and eating some broccoli was going to cure me of these gnawing cravings. However, he seems…relieved? Almost excited.
I think I’ve missed something.
“So,” he says, nodding and taking a deep breath in and out as he drums his fingers together. “You’d be open to going back to rehab if that was a possibility?”