Chapter 7 Jesse #3
I would love to tell him I have no doubts and that if he has a way to get me into a decent facility, I’ll never fuck up again.
But I know myself and my track record. If it’s a choice between letting him (and myself and my brother) down yet again and never even trying… I’m not sure which one I’d pick.
“It’s hard to seriously consider something that’s impossible,” I tell him honestly. “Rehab, I mean. Without insurance, it’s a fairy tale. But I have been thinking about—”
He speaks over me.
I finish saying, “—going to an AA meeting.”
Just as he says, “What if we got married?”
We stare at each other. He looks apprehensive, but my brain has ground to a halt. “I-I’m sorry,” I manage to utter after a few more seconds. “But…what did you just say?”
He shifts in the sand and reaches forward to cradle my hands in his. I’m too shocked to protest. Besides, his skin feels so warm and comforting against mine. Despite the fact that my ears are ringing and dizziness is washing through me, his touch is keeping me grounded.
“I know it would be a teeny, tiny bit illegal,” he says with determination.
“We’d have to tell some white lies. But I get great benefits which would extend to my spouse.
Which…if we got married…would be you. There are a couple of facilities near here you’d be covered for.
We could check them out to see if you like the look of any of them before committing to anything, but you’d be eligible. I already checked.”
For a moment, I simply stare at him until I can get my voice working again. “If I married you?” I ask faintly.
He nods. “Obviously, we’d be taking a risk.
That’s why I’ll need you to think hard if sobriety is not only something you actually want, but also something you’d be willing to work your ass off for.
Attending meetings is an excellent idea, too.
But if you do that after going somewhere to dry out and get some therapy, statistically I think you’re much more likely to beat this addiction for real. ”
My head is still spinning. “Yeah, that’s all true. But I think you’re being far too causal about the getting married part of this plan.”
“I’ve thought about that,” he says, sounding alarmingly eager and practical, like he’s solving a math equation.
“We can tell people that we kept the relationship private because you’re my best friend’s younger brother and we wanted to make sure about how we felt before going public.
Then be sort of honest that we rushed into getting married so you could get on my insurance, but people do that all the time.
As long as we don’t shout about it, I think we should be fine to fly under the radar.
But I do have a friend at work whose husband is a lawyer and knows how to keep a secret.
So we could run it by him as well to make sure we’re not missing anything obvious that could get us into trouble. ”
I take a second to try and digest everything he’s just said.
No, it still sounds exactly as insane as he promised it would do.
“Rico,” I say softly. “You’re talking about getting married.
That’s a big deal. We might have known each other for years but we actually know very little about each other.
Are you sure you’ve thought this through? It’s a huge deal.”
“Oh, um.” He pulls his hands away and looks embarrassed. “Sorry, I should have considered more the religious implications—”
“I don’t give a fuck about that,” I scoff, then laugh. “That’s not what I mean. I don’t have a problem with getting hitched for a tax break or…” I check absolutely no one is listening, before leaning in and whispering, “insurance fraud.”
“But?” he asks.
I shake my head. “But this is a lot! Like, this isn’t some small favor you’re proposing. It’s enormous. Just so I can fix a problem I created in the first place? It’s not like I got cancer. I’m an addict and I’ve brought all this all on myself.”
Rico frowns at me. “You know that addiction is also a disease, right? I know you do. Take the moral judgement away and you’re still a sick person who’s facing a paywall that’s stopping you from getting the help you need. All I’m asking is for you to let me help you.”
This is too much. I trace patterns in the sand for a minute, trying to collect my thoughts. “Don’t you want to marry someone you love?” I ask quietly.
“Someday, maybe,” he says with a shrug. “If that becomes an issue for either of us, then we get an annulment. Simple. But I don’t have any religious objections to this.
I know that God wants me to do good in my life and to help people.
It’s why I became a first responder. How I do that is up to me, I’m sure.
I don’t believe He’d have a problem with us playing the system.
I know I wouldn’t be able to look myself or Adam in the eye if I didn’t try everything I could to help you right now, Jesse.
” He licks his lips and gives me a pained expression.
“You really scared me when I found you in LA.”
I swallow and look away. “Yeah, I scared myself,” I admit. “But this is still so extreme. I can’t ask you to—”
He laughs and shakes his head. “You’re not.
I’m asking you, remember? If you want to commit to sobriety, then that’s all I need to know.
I already ran the scheme by my captain. Hypothetically, of course.
But he’s all in with supporting us and we can get the logistics sorted within a matter of weeks. ”
Christ alive. He really means it, doesn’t he?
He genuinely wants to go through with this crazy plan that could get us both is serious shit.
Well, as previously established, I’m already at rock bottom.
But he’d be risking his job, his reputation, even his freedom.
I’m pretty sure you can go to jail for insurance fraud.
And yet he’s the one begging me to consider what he’s proposing.
No wonder I’m head over heels for him.
It’s been increasingly obvious over the past few days that my teenage crush isn’t simply alive and well. It’s getting stronger. Before, Rico Flores was an ideal that I put on a pedestal. Someone I caught glimpses of, like I was looking through a window. Close but never actually able to touch.
But you can learn a lot about a person when you live together, and everything I’m seeing now of my brother’s best friend is only making me like him even more. This isn’t merely some infatuation I can blame on hormones. I’m catching real feels.
And now he wants to pretend to have feelings for me in return so we can actually, legally get married.
Just because I’m constantly getting myself into trouble doesn’t mean I don’t see it coming from a mile off. In fact, I’ll often see the warning signs and all they’ll do is encourage me to throw myself into the fire faster.
This is a catastrophically bad idea. If we get caught breaking the law, it could completely ruin Rico’s life. And if he realizes how much I’ve always adored him, it’s going to beyond awkward when we’re fucking married and he has to let me down gently.
I know I’m broken in so many ways. But if I have to hear him reject me when I’m wearing his wedding ring my heart is going to shatter in ways I don’t think it’ll ever recover from.
If I can mange to keep my secret hidden, though…what he’s proposing could genuinely be life saving for me. He’s offering the kind of resources I couldn’t dream of on my own. This could be exactly what I need to finally pull myself out of this dark pit I’ve been stuck in for so many years.
Everyone else has abandoned me. Hollywood. My agent. My so-called friends. My fans. My boss. My parents. Even my brother who I know loves me but moved to the other side of the planet.
Rico Flores might not be the savior I was expecting, but he’s all I’ve got left.
If I turn this opportunity away, will that be it? Am I looking at my Hail Mary? My eleventh hour? My last gasp?
I exhale and look back up from where I’ve been ruminating at the sand. “What would we tell Adam? He’s going to know we’re full of shit. There’s no way we could have believably kept a relationship from him, right?”
He shrugs. “I’m pretty sure your brother will pretend to believe it to help us make it work.
” That’s true. Adam is good at seeing the big picture and looking toward the future.
It wouldn’t surprise me if he rolled with this farce for my sake.
“But we don’t have to tell him anything for now,” Rico adds.
“Just that you’re staying with me while you get back on your feet. ”
“Yeah, okay,” I say with a nod.
So does this mean I’m seriously considering this? As I sit here with the ocean and the sunshine and breeze as my witnesses, am I honestly pledging to never have a drink or get high again?
There’s a reason I don’t look to the future. Forever stretches out impossibly before me, and in a flash, my chest tightens and my breath hitches.
But that is something I remember from my previous rehab stays. Forever is too big, too much. That’s why the motto is ‘one day at a time.’ Haven’t I been promising myself that all I have to do is to make it to the next morning for Rico? I just have to keep doing that.
And for myself, as well. He’s probably not going to be around long, no matter what cockamamie marriage scheme we devise.
The idea of never being able to party again does make me kind of panicky. But is it stronger than my desperate need to start living my life rather than being held hostage to my urges all the damn time?
I’m not sure.
“Thank you for…well, all of this,” I tell Rico with every ounce of sincerity I possess. “For looking after me and coming up with this plan. It means a lot.”
I’m not used to anyone giving a damn about me, so the fact that he’s willing to go to these lengths is hard to wrap my head around.
I need time to make sure I’m not monumentally fucking him over when he’s been nothing but kind and generous to me.
Do I have it in me to make this work? I’d like to think so.
But if I fall off the wagon, it won’t just be my life on the line this time.
“Can I think it over?” I ask.
He smiles and exhales, looking relieved. “Totally. That’s very sensible. Just don’t say no because you think you’d be doing right by me. Promise you’ll think about what you truly want and need, Jesse, and then we’ll make that happen. Together.”
“Together,” I repeat.
Tentatively, he reaches out and slips his fingers against mine again. I know he’s just being nice and that he couldn’t possibly reciprocate my feelings.
But it feels kind of wonderful all the same.