Chapter 10 #2
He smiles nervously at me, but his eyes are filled with hope.
It occurs to me in that moment that I might not have been the only one worrying about today.
I told the staff I’d be here. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was concerned I’d bail.
Most people in his life have, after all.
I think about how Adam told their mom and dad that Jesse was getting clean again and apparently, they just laughed sadly and told Adam to wish him luck.
I hate that for him. Not that he knows about that specific incidence of their indifference. Yet. Adam was unsure if telling him might be too painful or if it could trigger a relapse, so we’ve agreed to just not mention them for now.
In the meantime, he has me. And right now, it seems easy to give him all the support I can. Maybe that’ll be enough to make up for everyone else who isn’t here.
His tentative hope makes me sad. So I need to show him that I’m going to be his rock. That I really do want to be there for him as he adjusts to his new normal.
“Jesse,” I say with a relieved sigh, moving closer to throw my arms around him.
I’m almost glad for the pretense that he’s my husband, so the intimacy doesn’t seem odd.
Because I’m not sure it would be appropriate for me to hug him otherwise, and I really, really want to feel him solidly against my chest.
He barely hesitates a second before sliding his hands around my back and digging his fingers against my ribs. He tucks his face against the crook of my neck and exhales. I can feel the tension leaving his body.
There it is. That feeling I’ve been waiting for.
I’m whole again.
That’s probably a completely out of line emotion to have for my best friend’s brother, but nobody else ever needs to know.
“I’m sorry I took so long to come meet you,” Jesse says as he draws away from me. I notice how good he smells, kind of fresh and fruity, and I almost want to hold onto him so I can inhale it more. I catch myself just in time before I can do something so ridiculous, though.
“That’s all right,” I say was a smile, like I haven’t been sitting out here imaging all kinds of worst-case scenarios. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, fine,” he says with a happy laugh, glancing back toward the door he must have come through.
I realize that there’s a woman standing there with a clipboard in her hand and a lanyard around her neck. I’m guessing she must be one of the doctors, but she doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to introduce herself. I like that she’s giving me and Jesse space.
“It just took ages to say goodbye to everyone,” he continues. “I made a few friends with the patients, but the staff have been amazing, too. I made them all these little bracelet things in our last few craft sessions and…um…sorry, that’s probably totally lame.”
My heart sinks as his cheeks redden and he looks away. “What?” I blurt out. “That’s not lame at all, Jesse. I think that was a really lovely thing to do on your last day.”
“Yeah?” he asks, that cautious hope back in his eyes as he looks my way again. “It’s been really helpful to have a hobby that keeps my hands busy.”
“That’s fantastic,” I say, unable to stop myself from reaching out and squeezing his arm. “Do you have any left to show me?”
He peeks shyly at me through his eyelashes. “I, um, might have made you one as well.”
For a second, I just stare at him. “You did?” I ask quietly.
He nods, then reaches into his pocket, pulling out an elasticated band of beads.
The colors remind me of fall. Well, fall in places where they actually have seasons.
Earthy tones of orange, red and brown catch the light as he slips it into my hand.
I turn it over, deeply touched by a few simple bits of plastic.
“I love it,” I murmur, sliding it onto my wrist. When I look back up, his eyes are shining with happiness. It makes my heart swoop and, in an instant, I become determined to put that look on his face every day if I can.
“Your husband has made incredible progress,” the woman says to me, finally joining in on our reunion.
She steps closer and offers me her hand, which I shake, but I’m still reeling from what she just said.
Hearing someone else call Jesse my husband immediately makes my insides flutter.
“I’m Dr. Howahkan. It’s a pleasure to meet you. ”
“And you,” I say, glancing between her and Jesse.
I wonder what he’s said about me in here to other people.
As she’s just illustrated, we’re supposed to be married.
Well, we are married. But we’re supposed to know each other as well as husbands should.
I hope he hasn’t had to twist the truth too much.
“Dr. Howahkan is the one who discharged me to come home,” Jesse tells brightly.
It’s stupid, but my heart swoops at how easily he says ‘home.’ Like that’s how he really thinks of my place.
Lord, my head is swimming from so many little shocks in the past few minutes. I’m going to need a week to process all these complicated emotions and reactions I’m having.
The doctor beams at him, and I notice she’s also got a beaded bracelet on her wrist that looks similar to mine.
“You’re ready, Jesse,” she tells him warmly.
Then she glances at me, making it clear she’s speaking to both of us.
“Although, it is going to a lot getting used to life in the real world again. Like we discussed: don’t be too hard on yourself or hesitate to reach out and ask for help. ”
He nods. “I know. I’ve got all those numbers and websites you wrote down for me saved in my phone. I promise I won’t let you down.”
Her smile is patent but kind. “You couldn’t let me down,” she assures him. “Remember, though, it’s you that you’re doing this for. No one else. You’ve worked hard on your recovery. You’ve come so far, but—”
“But it’s always going to be one day at a time,” he finishes for her, sounding proud.
It makes me proud.
God damn it. This is sounding like it’s really worked. Like it was worth us going ahead with our ridiculous scheme. Without thinking, I reach out and take his hand, squeezing it before raising it up to kiss his knuckles.
I’m not sure if Dr. Howahkan notices, but I certainly catch how Jesse’s eyes widen fractionally and he gasps a little.
Perhaps that was crossing a line. As much as I want to sell our rouse, I’d never want to make him feel uncomfortable.
However, he then gives me a shy smile, and his cheeks look rosy again as I release him, so I think it was okay.
“I’m going to be here for you,” I tell him sincerely. “For every one of those days. You’re not alone.”
The way he looks at me with such hope and disbelief makes my heart want to explode out of my chest. I wouldn’t blame him for doubting that’s really true.
For wondering if I’m just hamming up my role as his husband.
But I mean it. I’ve spent so long agonizing over whether this treatment was going to work, I haven’t really given much thought to what it would look like if it did.
But now we’ve arrived in this moment, it seems perfectly natural and obvious to me.
I’m not sure what exactly Jesse is to me now.
My friend’s brother? Some kind of adopted extended family?
A friend in his own right? All I know is that he’s important.
I’m not so much nervous as excited to drive him home and start taking care of him.
That’s not my disproportionate sense of responsibility talking, either.
That’s just my desire to be close to him. Because right now, there’s no place on earth I’d rather be than by his side, helping him succeed like hell in his recovery.