Chapter 14 #2
Jesse blinks and gives himself a little shake, grinning sheepishly at me. “Yeah, sure.”
Klaus rides on the back seat and Jesse insists on driving, saying I must be tried after my shift.
It was kind of a busy one, but I’ve definitely gotten behind the wheel to take myself home after far worse calls and on way less sleep.
It’s nice to have someone insist on taking care of me in some way, though, even if that’s just a ten-minute ride.
It’s the kind of thing I hear other people’s parents doing when they visit their childhood homes.
My parents haven’t behaved like that since…
Well, not in a very long time.
Ten minutes is enough for a tense silence to descend between us, however, and I’m back to fretting over why Jesse was late picking me up. Did he really oversleep? Am I getting guilty vibes off him or is that just me projecting my anxieties onto him?
“Oh, shit,” he says, glancing at me as he pulls onto my street, jerking me from my thoughts. “We should probably go get some stuff for Klaus, huh?”
Some of that apprehension eases in me as I smile fondly at him. The fact that he’s thinking about Klaus’s wellbeing already makes me almost giddy with pride and admiration. This is why it drives me crazy that he values himself so little. Why can’t he see how amazing he is?
“I actually placed an order yesterday to be delivered for today,” I confess with a chuckle.
“I figured if this wasn’t going to work out, the next person could take the stuff.
But I didn’t want to be unprepared just in case.
I’ve also got a few bits in my work bag from the police captain when she dropped him off.
” I kick the duffle in the footwell, grinning at Jesse as he catches my eye before he pulls my car into the underground lot.
“You were pretty confident I’d say yes to this, huh?” he quips.
My smile gets bigger. “I hoped,” I tell him truthfully.
Padilla assured me that Klaus has been trained for so many stressful situations as a working dog that he shouldn’t be phased by many things.
But I’m still relieved to see him trot happily into the elevator and ride up to my floor without incident.
Jesse has him by the leash and has been guiding him ever since we left the firehouse.
Watching the two of them together is doing lovely, funny things to my insides that I don’t examine too closely.
As we approach my apartment, one of my neighbors is exiting the door up ahead. She’s an old Russian lady who was here when I moved in. All I really know about her is that she wears fur coats all year round, despite the steady Californian sunshine.
I nod in a friendly greeting, but Jesse’s face lights up. “Hi, Katerina!” he calls out. “Come meet my new friend!”
The older lady peers over her sunglasses and crooks an eyebrow. “This is dog, new boy. Is he good dog?”
“I think so,” Jesse says and looks down at Klaus.
We’ve paused in front of my apartment, and my neighbor—whose name is apparently Katerina—makes her way over to us. She’s always struck me as a very graceful lady, but seeing as her pumps have changed to flats over the past few years, I’d guess maybe now she’s having some joint issues.
“Are you good dog?” she asks. “Or do you piss on everything?”
“He’s a retired police dog,” I jump in and explain. “So he’s very well trained. In German as well as English! Klaus, sitzen.” I’ve been practicing that with him overnight, and I’m thrilled when his ass drops to the carpet.
It seems Katerina is impressed as well from the way she hums. “Oh, yes. I like boys who listen. Mr. Firefighter, you are not so alone now, yes? Collecting husband and dog. Good for you.” She pats my chest and saunters off to the elevator. “Good for you.”
I watch her for a moment, then turn back to Jesse with a laugh. “I’ve been here seven years and barely said more than hi to her. You’ve been here seven days and you’re already besties? I didn’t even know her name.”
“It’s Katrina Petrova, and she kind of forcefully adopted me,” Jesse admits as I get my key out.
“When I came home yesterday evening, I was…” He shakes his head.
“She invited me in for tea. Apparently, she came to America as a ballerina in the sixties, which is crazy considering how hot the cold war was then. Anyway, she was nice. Scary, but nice. And she has a black and white cat called Noski, which means socks.”
“Huh.” I realize I’m just standing there with my key in my hand, marveling at how Jesse just keeps impressing me. Being sober is allowing his personality to shine, like sunshine through a rain cloud. I’m not surprised people are starting to be drawn to him.
Then Klaus whines, reminding me we can’t hang out in the hallway forever.
Once through the door, we let Klaus start exploring his new space, sniffing around every inch.
I follow him for a bit, only slightly concerned he might pee on the sofa or in my shoes to mark his territory like Katerina suggested.
But he’s the picture of politeness, glancing back at me every thirty seconds with that smile of his that’s already worked its way into my heart.
It’s not until I follow Klaus into the bathroom do I realize that Jesse isn’t with us.
Well, it’s not like my place is huge, so it’s more like I notice that rather than trailing behind the dog like I was doing, he’s gone to the kitchen and is leaning against the counter by the coffee machine, his arms wrapped around his body like he’s hugging himself.
Oh…damn. Something’s definitely not okay.
“You good?” I ask, wandering over.
He nods unconvincingly. “You want some coffee?”
“Sure.”
I’m pretty sure what’s happening now isn’t about hot drinks, but I’m going to need caffeine to help me stay awake after a shift anyway, so there’s no harm in letting him fix us a couple of cups.
After he passes me mine, I drift toward the living area and sit down, hoping he’ll join me.
As soon as my ass hits the sofa, Klaus hops up beside me.
I watch on in amusement as he waits for me to settle before lying down with his head on his paws, looking up at me with just one little wag of his tail.
I’m probably projecting again, but he seems content. I hope he knows he’s going to be here a while and that he’s safe.
This is his home now, too.
Apparently, my plan worked, because when I look back up, Jesse’s settled himself on the armchair with his coffee.
I kind of wish he’d come sit on the other end of the sofa, but I guess there isn’t really room with Klaus beside me.
He also looks like he might need some space between us for what he’s about to say.
I’m nervous again.
“I had a bad day yesterday,” Jesse says in a rush. His gaze is firmly fixed on his mug that his hands are wrapped around, like the warmth is fortifying him.
“Okay,” I say slowly. He doesn’t appear to be drunk or hungover, but addicts are good at hiding these things.
Except…no. I trust he wouldn’t drive with me in the car if he wasn’t safe to do so.
Again, I need to stop jumping to conclusions and just let him talk.
Isn’t that exactly what I’ve been encouraging him to do?
He’ll absolutely stop trusting me if he thinks I’m going to judge every misstep he makes. I don’t even know the details yet.
“Are you all right now?” I ask.
He nods stiffly, giving me mixed signals.
He doesn’t look all right. “Yeah. I mean, I’m still here.
” He laughs ruefully and sniffs before scrubbing his face with one of his hands.
“I got a last-minute job interview, except it wasn’t.
The guy recognized me from my TV show and just wanted to have a bit of fun at my expense. ”
My blood runs cold. “He what?” I growl, making Klaus’s ears perk up.
Jesse shakes his head. “Yeah, it sucked. Big time. It didn’t so much knock me on my ass as throw me off a cliff. I…Rico, I almost did something really dumb.” He finally meets my gaze again, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. “The bottle was in my hand.”
Nausea chases the chill that just washed through me. “And?” I rasp.
“And I put it down and went straight to an AA meeting in town,” he says, before bursting into tears.
I’m off the sofa before I even know it, dumping my mug on the coffee table so I can kneel in front of Jesse and throw my arms around him. He sobs onto my shoulder while I carefully extract his drink as well, and then he’s clinging to me for dear life.
“I didn’t do it,” he’s whispering over and over. “I promise, Rico. I didn’t do it. It didn’t seem worth it. I didn’t do it. I couldn’t disappoint you or me. I didn’t do it.”
“I’m so proud of you,” I tell him thickly, squeezing him tighter. “You did so good, Jesse.”
The uneasiness I’ve been feeling since my shift ended finally ebbs away.
Now I know why he was late and what the weird guilty vibes were about.
It all makes sense. I wish I could have been there to support him, but it’s almost better that he was able to save himself from making a terrible mistake.
And I’m aware I can’t keep him safe in my arms all the time, but damn it feels so right having him here right now.
Until a cold, wet nose shoves its way between us, making us both yelp and let each other go. Klaus looks extremely pleased with himself, though.
“Were you feeling left out, boy?” Jesse asks with a wet laugh.
I reach to get him a tissue from the box on the table.
By the time I turn back around, Klaus has his large head resting on Jesse’s lap, looking up at him with his big, black eyes.
Jesse gently strokes between his ears. “Thank you,” he whispers to his new friend, then he looks at me. “Do you know that in German?”
“Uh, danke,” I say, pulling that from some memory rather than the handbook.
Jesse beams at the dog again. “Danke, Klaus.”
He wags his tail harder.
My heart does that funny thing again, so I clear my throat and pass Jesse the Kleenex so he can blow his nose. Once he’s finished, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a purple coin.
“This is the first meeting I’ve been to outside of rehab,” he says, and I can’t help but blink in surprise. So this is an even bigger deal than I realized, and it was already pretty important.
“Wow,” I utter as he hands me the disk with ‘4 months’ engraved on it. I wish I could think of something more eloquent to say, but my throat is tight and I’m trying to keep my shit together for him.
“I was always so scared of getting judged,” he explains, shaking his head. “Which is kind of stupid because everyone’s there for the same reason.”
“It’s not stupid, it’s human,” I say defensively. I wish he’d stop calling himself dumb and stupid and all the rest. It’s just not true.
He gives a one-armed shrug and lets me hand the precious token back.
“It did kind of feel like I’d convinced myself it would be awful as an excuse not to go.
But they were so fucking nice, Rico. I’ve got a schedule now of all the meetings around town during the week and I’m going to go every day for a while.
They said I’d know when I can ease up, and if not, they’d help me. ”
Another sob sounds like it threatens to bubble up, but he takes a deep breath, and I kneel up to hug him again. I don’t need to ask to understand that he’s overwhelmed by the idea that so many people want to be there for him or that anyone would give a damn about him.
“If you ever need a lift, just ask,” I tell him. “Or if you need to borrow the car. We’ll work it out.”
He nods and pulls away, already recovering his composure.
“I’m getting to know the bus schedule as well,” he says proudly, and my heart swells.
It’s a little thing, but apparently that’s all it takes to impress me when it comes to Jesse.
He gives me a shaky grin and looks down at Klaus, who’s still nestled between us.
“We’re going to have to find some good walks for this guy, too.
I’ll have Redwood Bay memorized before I know it. ”
Why does that idea make me feel sick with happiness? How can that be a thing?
Because I know that I shouldn’t want it this badly.
My town isn’t going to become Jesse’s home.
He’s just here temporarily. The notion he could be comfortable and familiar here with me, though, is another thing I want to wrap up in my arms and lock away in my heart where no one else can threaten it.
Jesse fits in here a bit too well. But it’s all pretend. He’s not actually my husband, no matter what some piece of paper says. I shouldn’t be getting so close to him. He’s my best friend’s little brother and I’m just helping him during a tough time in his life.
Except it’s feeling less and less like that every hour he spends living at my place, putting down roots, getting himself better.
That’s all that matters. His recovery. Any complicated thoughts I have I’m just going to keep to myself, no matter how much it aches. If I bury them deep, even I don’t have to try and work out what they mean.
Because there’s no way I’m falling for Jesse Silverman. I’m simply being protective. This isn’t yearning or desire or attraction. Those things would be a disaster of epic proportions.
The problem is…I’m trained to run toward disasters, not away from them.