Chapter 47
Chapter Forty-Seven
Jax
“Dad? What are you doing here?”
He bolts up from his spot on my porch chair, and I flinch. Growing up, I learned to prepare for the worst when he made sudden movements. Maybe I haven’t changed as much as I’d hoped. Come on. Be strong. Be brave. You’re not a fifteen-year-old boy anymore. You can fight back.
“Hey, bud.” His blue eyes shine with something that almost looks like remorse, and his forehead creases with concern.
As I take him in, my shoulders relax a little bit. He’s sober. That means I’m safe. But still, when he crosses the porch toward me, I take a step back.
“You’re out of prison,” I say awkwardly.
“Yeah, I am. They released me a little early on good behavior.”
“But why are you here?” I stand at the top of the stairs, my mind swirling. “You’re on parole, right? You shouldn’t be able to leave Oklahoma.”
“I got approval from my parole officer. I’m only here for the day, but she knows I need to do this to complete my program.”
“Do what?” Dread spreads through me like a winter frost.
“I need to apologize.”
I should be happy. All I ever wanted growing up was my dad to recognize the pain he’d caused our family. I wanted him to take responsibility for his actions and to be better, but now, it feels too late.
“I don’t want your apology,” I grit, clenching my fists at my side.
“Please, I need to apologize for all the terrible things I’ve done.
” Dad inches forward, sending me on high alert.
“I had a lot of time to think about my actions and how they impacted you and your mom. I want to make it right. I checked myself into Gambler’s Anonymous as soon as I got out of prison.
I’m getting help for my addiction. I haven’t gambled or had a drop of alcohol since I was arrested, and now that I’ve been out for a couple months, I need to make amends.
That’s how I make things as right as they can be, and that’s how we all move on. ”
“I’ve already moved on. This apology is only for you, just like everything else in your life.”
Rage flickers like a flame inside of me, and I’m surprised by the intensity of the burn, but why did he have to come back now? I was ready to move on, to move forward with the woman I love, and now he wants to tear my life apart again. He doesn’t have the right to do that!
“I’ve lived without you for nine years.” My fury builds. “I don’t need you in my life. If you were really sorry, you would’ve stayed away because that’s what is best for everyone. We’re better off without you and your lies, manipulation, and abuse.”
He flinches at the last word, but I don’t stop.
“You want to apologize for all the things you’ve done, but you don’t actually want to talk about them, do you?
You recognize what a monster you are. I don’t want anything to do with you, and neither does Mom.
You’re wasting your time by being here.” I step down a stair, holding my arm out to show him the way off my porch. “You should go.”
“No, I can’t.” Dad takes a few desperate steps forward. “I need to make this right.”
“There’s no fixing what you’ve done, and I don’t feel like playing into your hand anymore.
Growing up, all I did was bend to your will while you selfishly gave in to all the temptations that tore our family apart.
I was too scared to stand up to you then, but I’m not anymore.
You say you’ve changed and want what’s best for us, but clearly you haven’t because if you had learned from your mistakes, you’d understand the best thing you could do for our family is keep your distance. ”
The flame inside me is blazing now, but it’s no longer just rage.
The predominant emotion fueling my fire is pride.
I always wanted to stand up to my dad, to let him know how badly he hurt our family.
I used to long for the strength to say no to him and to push back, and here I am doing that.
I have grown. I am good enough for the woman I love, and I’m ready to talk to my mom.
“You’re right.” He hangs his head. “It’s awful of me to show up after all this time, but I need to correct my mistakes. I need to let you know you didn’t deserve being abandoned and hurt like that.”
“I don’t want to hear any of that now.” I shake my head. “Please leave.”
Dad’s face falls, and a shadow of guilt looms over me, but I quickly push it aside. He doesn’t deserve my guilt after everything he’s done. Coming back to fix things after all this time doesn’t make it better.
Turning back to me, he asks, “Is your mom staying with your Aunt Carol? I’d like to see them, try to see if they’d be willing to hear me out while I’m here.”
My protective instincts flare, and I step toward him. “You’re not going near either of them.” Mom might be strong enough to handle him now, but I’m sure she wouldn’t welcome the surprise of him showing up on her porch.
“Come on.” Dad’s eyebrows pinch. “She deserves the chance to hear me out.”
“She doesn’t need you. I’m not going to let you hurt her now.”
Something on his face shifts. “Jax, you know what happened back then wasn’t your fault, right? It wasn’t your job to protect your mom from me and my mess. We’re your parents. We’re the ones who were supposed to protect you. We’re the ones who failed you.”
Hearing those words releases a whole swarm of emotions I’m not ready to deal with.
I want to bask in the comfort my dad is trying to offer.
After all, I’ve wanted to hear those very words all my life, and to hear them filled with genuine remorse makes me feel things, but at the same time, hearing them come from the man who tore our family apart makes me think they can’t be true. I guess I am a monster. I did fail Mom.
“I’ll tell you what. I’ll give y’all some space, and I can come back soon.
” Dad shuffles off the porch. “That’ll give you some time to process and prepare, but I really think having this conversation will be healing for everyone.
I’m not asking you to forgive me, just to hear me out. Do you think you can do that?”
Can I? I’m not even sure. As much as Lauren has given me a confidence I never had before, there are things I need to work on, and until I do, I don’t think I’ll be ready to hear my dad out.
But I want to get to a point where I can be.
I want to heal. I want to grow. I long for the peace I saw flash in Lauren’s eyes when she told me she wasn’t being dragged down by the old version of herself anymore. I just don’t know how to get there.
“I’m not ready.” I hate how shaky my voice is. This man has destroyed me even more than I realized. Healing isn’t going to be easy.
Dad nods his head, and his gentle nature surprises me. Maybe he is changing, but it’s difficult to believe it after all the times he’s let me down.
Handing me a piece of paper, he says, “Here’s my phone number. When you’re ready, go ahead and give me a call.” He turns on his heel and walks toward his truck, his head down.
As I watch him go, the hope and reason inside me evaporate, paranoia filling their place. What if he’s going to Mom and Aunt Carol’s place right now? What if he doesn’t respect my request and blindsides them? I can’t even imagine how upsetting that would be for Mom. She still thinks he’s in jail.
And what if he lied about being in Gambler’s Anonymous? What if what he really needs is money, like he always did? He could show up drunk and ready to throw fists!
I pull my phone out to call Lauren. She’s the only person I know who could talk me out of this spiral.
She will be my voice of reason and guide me down the right path, but as I hover my thumb over the call button, it hits me she’s still at the hospital with her dad.
She doesn’t need to deal with my crisis right now.
She needs rest, and if I tell her what’s going on, she’ll be ready to tackle this with me, just like she was when she found out about the letter.
I’ve already failed at protecting one woman I love from my dad. I need to be strong and figure out how to handle this on my own. I can tell Lauren everything once it’s resolved.
Instead of doing what I know is rational, I hop in my truck and drive to Mom and Aunt Carol’s, parking in the driveway to keep watch. The only sleep I get is interrupted by a nightmare I haven’t had in several years.