Chapter 50
Chapter Fifty
Lauren
“Tell me about your experience with regenerative agriculture.” I try my best to pay attention to the words coming from the cowboy in front of me, but I can’t focus.
Images of Jax thrashing in bed last night swirl in my mind.
I know something is torturing him, and I hate that he’s hiding it from me.
Then there’s my dad who handed me a list of questions he made for my interview with the cowboy this morning.
Nana Rhodes is looking after Dad to make sure he doesn’t show up here unannounced, but we shouldn’t have to do that.
He just had a heart attack. He should know he needs rest!
Rhett asks another question. Focus. You’re almost done.
“I put in five years at my last ranch, but I was ready for a change. My little sister lives out here. She has a two-year-old. I’ve had my years of bouncing around from place to place, but I’m ready to settle down somewhere, and I’d like to be around family.
Plus, I’m tired of watching her kid grow up through pictures. I want to be around.”
I cross my legs in my seat. “What would you say is your approach to problem solving? Are you more of a handle it on your own kind of person, or are you willing to ask for help?”
Rhett looks at me with narrowed brows. That question wasn’t on the list he and I made. It may have been inspired by recent events, but it’s still a fair thing to ask. After a beat, Rhett turns back to Zach, interested in what he has to say.
Zach launches into an explanation of how the situation would dictate his approach. I wish I could say I captured everything, but I think I got the gist. He seems like a great guy.
When he finishes, I ask, “And can you tell us about your experience with regenerative agriculture?”
He draws back, looking from me to Rhett with confusion. The room fills with silence for a full five seconds before I realize I’ve already asked this.
“I’m just kidding.” I press on a smile. “I think that’s all we need, right?” I look to Rhett for assurance, and he nods. “Thank you for coming in, Zach. We’ll be in touch.”
I hold my hand out to shake his, noting his firm and calloused grip.
He has the handshake of a good cowboy. My dad taught me at a young age what to look for.
He even told me I should shake a man’s hand before I let him take me out on a date.
He said it would weed out the ones that aren’t worth my time.
If I had listened, I wouldn’t have spent eight years of my life dating Austin.
After Zach leaves the barn, Rhett stares me down. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just missed lunch today. I guess I have a little brain fog.” I do my best to give him a reassuring smile, but I’m certain I’m failing. Dang you, Jax!
“Olivia doesn’t have any plans tonight. She’s a great listener and problem solver. She’s also good at giving you a kick in the pants if that’s what you need.” He chuckles, and I can see in his eyes how much he adores that woman.
“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“You should text her now.” He scratches the back of his head.
“Otherwise, she’ll ask me how the interview was, and it’ll be hard not to mention the fact that you asked the same question twice on multiple occasions.
You and I both know she’ll pester me for answers I don’t have.
Then she’ll check up on you because she’s already worried about how you’re handling things with your dad.
She’ll end up coming over regardless. I’m learning it’s a Parker trait.
” He smiles. “Save us all the trouble and just go to her now.”
Genuine laughter slips from my lungs for the first time today. “I can do that.” I pick up my phone, making sure he sees me press call on Olivia’s contact before he finally leaves me alone.
Callie barrels out of her truck, her hands full with a catering box I’m sure contains some of her cupcakes. She gives me a squeeze so tight I have to gasp for breath when she finally lets go.
“I brought reinforcements,” Olivia says, laughing as she steps out of the passenger seat, carrying a couple pints of ice cream, all of them chocolate.
“Y’all are the best.” I give them a smile, but it doesn’t reach my eyes.
I should be happy my dad is home now, but instead, the events of last night are weighing on me.
I thought Jax and I were on the other side of major obstacles, but, apparently, he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me whatever he’s going through now.
Olivia stacks the pints on top of one another, moving them to one hand and using her free arm to loop through mine.
“I know that look. You’re overthinking, and it’s going to take you to a dark place.
” She leads us to the front door. “Don’t go there.
Let’s go inside and talk through what happened over some chocolatey goodness, okay? A little bit of sugar goes a long way.”
Callie grabs my other arm. When we’re inside, she doesn’t even ask me what I want.
She just pulls a cupcake from the catering box and sets it on a plate with a fork.
“I made ice cream sundae cupcakes, and I thought you’d be the best taste tester since you love ice cream so much.
Batch one was a disaster, but batch two could be a real winner, so that’s what I brought.
You’ll have to let me know though. My taste buds might just be tainted by how terrible my first attempt was. ”
Olivia sticks the cartons of ice cream in the freezer. “We can pull these out when we’re ready, but I figured no one wants to drink a puddle of cream.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad.” Callie sits up straighter, her eyes going round. “Maybe that’s what my cupcakes are missing! I need to soak them in melted ice cream.”
“Then they’d be soggy.” Olivia scrunches her nose as Bella trots up to her to get some love.
“It’d be just like a poke cake. You know, when they poke holes in the cake and pour a liquid over it to make it moist?”
“Oh, you did not just say that word.” Olivia groans.
“What word? Moist?”
Olivia clamps her hands over her ears. “La la la la la!”
Callie bursts into laughter, and I join in.
When we finally settle down, Bella curls up at my feet, giving me her best puppy-dog eyes as she eyes my plate. “You can’t have this. Sorry, girl.”
Callie takes a bite off her cupcake, groaning and rolling her eyes back. With her mouth still full, she mutters, “Batch two is definitely a winner.”
I scoop up my own bite, making sure to get the perfect frosting to cupcake ratio.
She was right. The chocolate cupcake somehow has a melty, fudgy texture, like it was infused with chocolate syrup, and the vanilla bean frosting melts in your mouth unlike any frosting I’ve ever had before.
I pluck the cherry from my plate to complete the bite, and it’s marvelous.
“How’s your dad doing?” Olivia scooches closer to me on the couch.
“He’s okay. He came home this morning, but he’s already being a pain. He refuses to acknowledge what happened to him, and he wanted to sit in our interview with Zach this afternoon.” I lean my head back against the couch. “He’s so frustrating. I just want him to slow down.”
“Hmmm another Rhodes family member who doesn’t know how to take a break? That sounds familiar,” Callie teases.
“Yeah, well, at least I’m learning how to do it. He still needs some work.”
“Have you tried explaining to him that you just want him to take care of himself because you love him and want him to be around for the long haul?”
I drag both my legs up onto the couch, crossing them over one another. “No.”
“Maybe you need to give it a try.” Callie points her fork at me. “I can only imagine the thing that will finally get through to him is the love he has for his daughter.”
“I hope so. If I’m being honest, I’ve been afraid to talk with him.
I’m still trying to fight off the belief that taking a break to go on a hunting trip resulted in his heart attack.
” I take a tiny nibble of my cupcake. “Logically, I know it’s in his nature to grind and never rest, but I’m afraid if I talk with him about it all, I’ll realize it actually was my fault.
Or even worse, he might realize it. That would kill me. ”
Olivia meets my gaze. “Do you know the reason I kept everyone at a distance when I first came to Roots?”
“It was to protect them, right? You thought your anxiety would be too much on the people you loved?”
“Sort of. There’s a little more to it than that.” She lowers her fork. “When I had my first panic attack in college, my mom ditched an important work meeting to help me through it. Her company missed out on a huge funding opportunity, so they fired her.”
I wince. Olivia probably spun that to be her fault.
Seeing my reaction, she nods. “Yeah, it wasn’t great.
And I held on to the guilt for so long, but when I finally talked to my mom about it, she didn’t blame me at all.
She was thankful it happened because it helped her realize what’s important to her.
She created a beautiful life for herself after that incident, and she wouldn’t have steered her life in a new direction if she hadn’t gone through that hard thing. ”
Olivia sets her empty cupcake dish on the coffee table. Taking note of someone who no longer has her hands full, Bella rushes up to Olivia who happily scoops her into her lap, scratching behind her ears.
“I wouldn’t have been able to let go of my guilt and let myself be happy if not for that conversation.
Maybe that’s what you need to do with your dad.
Talk to him about what you’re feeling. I’m sure he’s going to tell you he would never once blame you, and if you’re lucky, it might even be a trigger for him to make some positive change in his life. ”
She stops petting Bella for a brief second to pat my knee. “I’m sure he’ll also tell you he not only trusts in your ability to run the ranch, even when you’re gone, but that his heart attack wasn’t your fault.”
I bite my lip as tears form in my eyes. Setting my cupcake aside, I sweep Olivia up into my arms, squeezing maybe a little too tight, but I can’t help it.
It means a lot to me that she’s willing to share her story with me, and it only makes me realize I need to stop putting off this conversation with my dad. “Thank you.”
“Of course.” She rubs my back affectionately before pulling away. “Now what else is on your mind? Rhett said you were pretty distracted today. I know the thing with your dad has been weighing on you, but it usually takes more than that to throw you off your game.”
“That’s because it wasn’t what was throwing me off today.” I grab my cupcake off the table, taking a bite as I debate how much to tell my friends. I don’t want to invade Jax’s privacy by sharing about his nightmares. “Jax is going through something, but he refuses to tell me what it is.”
“Jax isn’t Austin,” Olivia says, always the voice of reason.
“I know that. My heart and mind both know that.”
Callie licks frosting off her fork. “You need to remember this man cares deeply for you. There’s no denying it. Whatever’s going on has nothing to do with you.”
“I want to believe that, but everything changed so quickly. We went from seemingly being all in and ready to share our relationship with the world to him keeping secrets from me. After everything I’ve been through, it makes me feel—”
“Like it was all an illusion, and you should’ve known you couldn’t have it?” Olivia says, her voice soft.
Gosh, did everyone around me know this was headed south except for me?
I pick at my cupcake on my plate. I’ve separated the frosting from the cake and have been slowly nibbling at the bottom, but the more this discussion progresses, the less I want to eat anything, which sucks because this cupcake is delicious.
Olivia reaches her hand out, stopping me from turning my cupcake into a bigger mess.
“I didn’t mean that’s true. I’m saying it’s easy to feel that way.
That’s how I felt when I started looking at jobs around here.
It was my first attempt at going after what I wanted, and I was flat out told I was wrong for wanting it.
That little rejection from one person sent me spiraling.
I thought it was a sign I wasn’t good enough, that I was stupid for ever thinking everything could work out, but, with some help from the people I loved, I realized I couldn’t let one little incident knock me down and stop me from chasing after what I want. ”
A spark of hope ignites in my chest.
“I know you’ve been through some hard things.
” Olivia rubs my arm as Bella leaves her lap and curls up in mine.
“Between what happened with Austin and now your dad’s health complications, I know it’s easy to believe you’ll never catch a break.
You start to question if you even deserve good things, if you’re worthy of the love you want in life, but all those thoughts are just thoughts.
They come from the shadows inside of you, and they don’t deserve to be brought into the light.
Instead of believing them, this is the part where you fight to show the universe you’re stronger than you used to be.
This is the part where you recognize your worth and make sure you get what you want. ”
“How’d you get so good at giving pep talks?”
“Because I know what it feels like to be rejected and to question if you’re deserving, but I also know what it’s like to come out on the other side.
Don’t let Jax push you away. I tried to push Rhett away when I thought I couldn’t make everything work.
If he had stepped aside and let me, I probably wouldn’t be in Roots anymore.
” She gives a guilty smile. “Maybe Jax just needs to know he has someone in his court who will fight for him.”
“You’re right. I need to talk with him.” I nibble at my cupcake. “How do I do that?”
“Just be honest with him. Jax adores you, and all good relationships are built on a foundation of trust and honesty.” Callie pats my knee.