Chapter 52
Chapter Fifty-Two
Jax
I zip up my duffel, slinging it over my shoulder.
I didn’t need to be at the Long Neck or Copper Hill today to work.
The same committee responsible for decorating the bar for the New Year’s Eve party tonight will also be bartending, so this is my chance to go to Oklahoma and set things straight with my dad.
The mixture of adrenaline and determination coursing through my veins nearly mutes the sound of my phone ringing in my back pocket when I walk out the front door, but the added vibration is enough to bring my attention to it.
“Mom? What’s up?”
“Jax Greer. What have you done?”
“Well, hello to you too.” I scoff. “I’d love to stick around for my inevitable ass-whooping, but I’m in the middle of something. I’ll call you later, okay?”
“This can’t wait.”
The anger in her voice stops me in my tracks. “What’s going on?”
“I was dusting your old room like I do every couple of weeks, and I found a letter. From your father.”
The ground falls out from underneath me. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She must be so freaked out. She thought she was safe and now she knows my dad is free in the world again.
“I’ll be right there.”
Mom is waiting on the porch when I drive up. Pulling her into a hug, I say, “I’m so sorry. You weren’t supposed to find out like this. You’re safe though. I promise. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. He won’t hurt you ever again.”
She pushes me away, her brows slanting.
“What on earth are you talking about? The letter says he wants to make amends. Why did you hide it from me?” Her voice is rising an octave per sentence until she’s practically supersonic.
“I picked up your mail the other day, and when I saw the handwriting on the letter, I recognized it immediately. I knew him coming back into our lives would probably upset you, so I kept it to myself.” I shrug.
“I guess I thought there was no sense in telling you when I knew he’d be on parole and wouldn’t be able to just show up in Roots.
I failed to consider the fact that he could get permission to come here and make amends with his family. ”
“Wait, he was here?” She sounds really angry now, and I can’t help but feel surprised. I thought she’d be grateful I stepped up this time around.
“He completely blindsided me and showed up on my porch the night I got back from the hunting trip. He insisted he wanted to make amends, but I asked him to leave and to stay away from you. It was time I protected you the way I should’ve all those years ago.”
“That wasn’t your job to do.” She shakes her head. “You should’ve told me he was here. I would’ve liked to hear what he had to say.”
“Have you lost your mind?” I throw my arms up in the air. “Dad tore our family apart. He drove us into all kinds of debt. He’s the reason we had bruises when we came to stay with Aunt Carol. He’s why you and I both have to constantly convince ourselves we aren’t terrible people.”
I’m pacing the length of the porch now. “He tortured us, mentally and physically. I wasn’t going to let him come back into our lives and pretend he’s sorry.
It’s too late for that. If he cared, he wouldn’t have gone back to gamble after the first time you begged him not to.
He wouldn’t have continued drinking, knowing the monster it turned him into.
He would’ve taken care of us the way he was supposed to, but he didn’t do any of those things, did he? ”
I stop pacing, grabbing the rail with white knuckles. “I just wanted to protect you from that monster. Our lives have been so much better without him. You don’t need him coming back around to make things complicated.”
Mom steps closer, and the fire in her eyes terrifies me.
I’ve never seen her like this. “Did you think I was going to welcome him back with open arms after everything he did? Do you really think I’m so weak that I couldn’t protect us back then?
That I can’t stand up for myself now?” She looks hurt, and she doesn’t wait for me to answer before blurting, “Of course I wouldn’t let him come crawling back!
I recognize the things he did to our family.
I’m sorry I didn’t get us out of that situation sooner.
I was blinded by love, and I thought he could change.
I’m much stronger now, and it stings that you didn’t think I was. ”
“I know you’re strong.” I drape an arm over her shoulders. “I didn’t think you’d take him back, but I didn’t see his presence doing any good. Whatever apology he has is worthless to us now.”
“Speak for yourself. I wouldn’t mind hearing him swallow his pride to say he was wrong for everything he did.”
“But how can you even believe him after everything he’s done to us?”
She shrugs, staring out at the gray clouds accumulating in the sky. “Maybe he’ll be full of crap, but at least I’d get to hear the words I’ve most wanted to hear come out of his mouth.”
Silence falls over us for a moment as we both watch the wind shake the trees. Finally, she says, “You shouldn’t have had to handle this on your own.”
“I need to make up for the times I didn’t handle him before. I need to keep everyone safe. I didn’t do that for you before, but I’m trying now.”
“And keeping secrets from me is the way to do that?”
“I was protecting you. You didn’t need to know he was back.”
“I know you’re a grown man now, but you’re still my son.
It’ll never be your responsibility to protect me or make decisions for me.
If your dad hadn’t hidden his gambling before it got too late, maybe I could’ve helped him.
It sounds like he’s getting help now, but just imagine if he had asked for help and gotten it fifteen years ago.
Think about how different our lives could’ve been.
You shouldn’t keep secrets, even if you think you’re protecting someone. ”
“I’m sorry.” I toe one of the splintered floorboards. “I guess you were right. The Carter men are scum. I’m scum. Even when I try to be better, I just ruin everything.”
“Scum? What would make you say that?”
“You’ve said it yourself. Plenty of times. ‘The Carter men are scum.’ I come from a line of lying, cheating, assholes, and I’ve done a terrible job of breaking the mold.”
She pulls me into a hug. “The Carter men don’t include you.”
“What do you mean? I know my legal name is Greer now, but it doesn’t change where I came from.”
“You were raised by two Greer women. You’re a Greer through and through.” She says it with pride. “You’re not scum. You messed up, but now you do what Greers do, and you make things right.”
“How do I do that?”
“Did he give you a way to get in contact with him? I’d like to hear him apologize, and I’d love it if you would be by my side through it.”
“He did, but I don’t—”
“Don’t do it for him. Do it for yourself. Having him pop up in your life again has been causing you a lot of pain, hasn’t it?”
I nod. “I’ve been having nightmares again, and this time they’re worse. Everyone I love is there now, not just you, and I still can’t do anything to protect y’all.”
“Don’t you want to move past that?”
“I do, but how do I know hearing his apology will help?” I adjust my grip on the railing as thunder claps in the distance. “I don’t think I’d even believe him.”
“You won’t know until you try.”
I toss my head back. “Why do you have to be right?”
“It’s a perk of being a mom.” She smirks. “Have you told Lauren about all of this?”
I whip my head toward her. “What?”
“You two are an item, aren’t you?”
“How did you know?”
She tosses a hand. “I could see the way you looked at her on Thanksgiving, and I swear you could’ve cut the tension with a knife at the bake-off. I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you.” I nudge her with my shoulder, and she forces me into a hug. It’s a relief to have this secret out in the open.
I draw back. “She knows about the letter, but I didn’t tell her about dad showing up. She’s had a lot going on with her own dad, and I didn’t want to burden her until I figured this out on my own.”
“Jax, did you push that poor girl away?”
“It was for her own good. I was going to tell her eventually.”
She swats me. “That was not for her own good. That was for you and your selfish reasons. You’re trying to be the hero, but all you’re doing is hurting the people you love.”
I wince as an image of Lauren’s face flashes through my mind. She looked so defeated when I told her my dream was nothing for her to worry about.
“What else was I supposed to do? I love her, Mom. I just want what’s best for her.”
“If you love her, then you need to be honest with her. You don’t push her away with the lame excuse that it’s the noble thing to do. That only breaks both your hearts, which doesn’t do you any good.”
I cover my face in my hands. “I screwed up. I screwed up so badly.” I glance at Mom. “What do I do?”
“You have to move past your fear of not being good enough. Pushing her away is just as bad as not showing up for her in the way she needs.”
“But Lauren deserves the world, and I’ve never even been in a real relationship before. I did you such a disservice growing up by not standing up for you and—”
“No, you didn’t. Remember, we just established it wasn’t your job?
” She gives me a pointed look. “If you hadn’t let me sort through that situation on my own, I never would’ve realized I deserved better.
You allowed me to spread my wings and find safety.
You gave me confidence in my decision to leave so I wouldn’t always wonder ‘what if.’ By standing back, you gave me the greatest gift of all, the chance to grow on my own. ”
It’s as if those words are exactly what I needed to hear all my life. The knife in my chest is magically removed after years of constantly digging in and twisting. The scars I’ve carried heal.
“I hope you’re not just saying that.”
“No, I wouldn’t do that to you. I meant every word.”
I bite my lip, trying to contain the immense emotions swirling inside of me. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, honey.” She wraps me in a hug.
I return my hands to the railing, which has become my crutch in this conversation. “I’m still scared. I thought I was doing the right thing for you by hiding that letter, and it turns out I was screwing up.”
“We all make mistakes. It’s what you do after that counts. I can’t guarantee things will work out between you and Lauren. There aren’t many guarantees in life, but you’ll definitely get things wrong if you never try.”
“I don’t even know where to begin.” I bite my lip. “She’s been hurt before. She’s already doubted herself after being left by Austin, and I probably made all of that worse.”
I was so consumed in getting everything right this time. I thought I was being smart, that I was protecting her. I was trying so hard not to hurt her, but I did anyway.
“I guess you better get ready to do some groveling.” Mom smirks.
“You need to show her you’ve learned from your mistakes.
Show her you love her and believe she’s more than worthy of standing in the rain with.
Heck, forget standing in the rain. Lauren is wonderful.
Show her she’s more than enough to dance in the rain with. ”
As if on cue, a clap of thunder roars overhead, and raindrops slowly pepper my warm skin.
“What if I screwed up too much? What if she realizes she’s too good for me?”
“You’re the one in control of your actions. Be the man Lauren deserves. I know you’re capable.” Mom rubs my shoulder with a smile.
The gentle pitter patter of the rain turns into a downpour as fear and hope dance together inside of me. I know what I need to do.
I shoot toward my truck, but Mom’s arm stops me. “Where are you going?”
“To show Lauren I’m willing to dance in the rain with her.”