Chapter 54
Chapter Fifty-Four
Jax
My nerves tumble around my stomach as we pull into the parking lot of Dad’s new place in Oklahoma.
Mom and Aunt Carol shuffle out of their seats seemingly as soon as I stop the truck, but I’m still sitting in the driver’s seat, twisting the beaded keychain Lauren gave me before we left in my fingers.
Each bead on it represents a part of our journey, whether it’s a whiskey glass for the night she tried to kiss me or dancers for our first swing lesson.
Lauren said it was supposed to bring me luck and remind me that I’m loved.
I don’t think I need it when I have her by my side, but I slip it into my pocket anyway, releasing a sigh. I can do this.
Lauren gingerly slips her hand into mine, quieting all the noise in my head and easing my stomach. “I’m by your side the whole way.” She kisses my cheek. “Thank you for letting me be here for you.”
I squeeze her hand. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”
She gifts me one of her beautiful smiles before nodding toward the truck door behind me as if to say let’s do this.
Aunt Carol knocks on my window. “Is everything okay?”
I open my door. “I can’t say I’m ready for this, but then again, I don’t think I’ll ever be.”
Mom loops her arm through mine on the opposite side of Lauren, and we all walk toward the external stairwell together.
Mom does the honor of knocking, and Dad opens the door seconds later. He must’ve been waiting on the edge of his seat for us to show up. His desperation to make amends is evident from the pleading look in his eyes. I can’t reconcile the man standing in front of me with the man I knew growing up.
He wasn’t always an addict. I have fond memories of him when I was younger, like when I was six and he took me to an OSU football game. It was our first trip just the two of us, and I remember it vividly because that’s when I learned how to throw a football.
Dad’s downward spiral started around the time I was in fifth grade, rendering those fond memories worthless. Mom and I lived in the hell he created for about five years before we got out.
Lauren gently squeezes my hand in hers as Dad guides us all to his tiny living room.
There isn’t enough seating on his lounger and two-person sofa, but he placed a dining room chair next to the couch to account for Aunt Carol.
I’ll admit, I admire the thought he put into this.
It makes me think maybe he has changed a little.
Noticing there aren’t enough chairs, Dad looks between Lauren and me with a nervous smile. “Who’s this?”
On instinct, I throw my arm in front of Lauren to cover her from the danger of this man, but she tugs on my arm, indicating for me to drop it.
“I’m Lauren, his girlfriend.” She holds out a hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
When he takes her hand, I note a bead of sweat on his brow. “Probably not many good things.”
“Nope.” She crosses her arms.
“I promise I’m not trying to cause any harm.” Dad twists his hands in front of him as he turns to me, silently asking if I’m willing to hear him out now.
I thrust my hand in his direction to indicate the floor is his. “Go ahead.” Let’s get this over with.
Dad’s shoulders drop in relief as we all take a seat. When he exhales, hope fills his eyes. “I know I can’t fix everything I’ve done in the past, but I am trying to get better, and I want you to know it’s because I recognize all the harm I caused you two, the people I love most in the world.”
I tense up, fighting my instincts to argue with him. If we are the ones he loves most in the world, then why were we the ones he hurt?
He must see the question in my eyes because he explains, “I’ve learned we often hurt the ones we love the most because we take them for granted and believe they’ll love us through all of our mess.
You two provided me a safe and loving home, and I took advantage of that.
I convinced myself that no matter how bad things got, you wouldn’t leave.
But eventually you did, and it felt like my life was over.
I buried myself further in my gambling, trying to fill a void that could never be filled. ”
He sighs, glancing down at the floor and then back up, looking into my eyes.
I quickly shift my gaze away, feeling like it’s too much, but he continues.
“I’m sorry I took you two for granted, and I’m sorry I took my anger and feelings of inadequacy out on y’all instead of acknowledging I had a problem. I should’ve worked to be better.”
At those words, Mom squeezes my hand so tight that my knuckles have turned white, but I don’t say anything to her because I know my hand in hers is what’s keeping her together. This man used to be the love of her life.
“Is that it?” I ask, unable to completely harness the anger still swirling inside of me.
“No. I need to thank you for leaving me. It pushed me to my rock bottom, and I fear if I didn’t hit it, I never would’ve gotten better.
I’m thankful you two found safety and people who love and care for you.
” He looks from Aunt Carol, who’s sitting in a chair with her arms crossed and eyes narrowed, to Lauren, who’s sitting rod-straight on the arm of the couch instead of the chair Dad got her so she can hold my hand.
She looks like she’s ready to pounce at any moment.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t one of those people.
” Dad chews on his lip. “It should’ve been me.
I don’t expect anything from y’all. I know my mistakes are unforgivable, but maybe you’ll allow me to come see you sometime, to prove to you that I’m dedicated to being better?
” He scoots to the edge of his chair, raising his eyebrows.
I glance at Mom as fear inflates in my chest. Her lips are pressed together, and she’s in a daze, like she’s mentally somewhere else, likely trying to make sense of how her life ended up this way because I know that’s what I’ve been doing.
Lauren brings her other hand to me, wrapping herself around my arm, and it reminds me that I’m safe, that I have people who love me.
Everything that happened with Dad is in the past, and I am in control now.
I get to dictate whether we allow him to come back, and if I choose to let him back in, I know I will have the most incredible women by my side.
I squeeze Mom’s hand in a gesture of solidarity, and she gives me the smallest of nods before I turn back to Dad. “Yeah, maybe we can get to that point someday.”
Aunt Carol’s mouth drops, and she gets up from her chair to protest, but Mom reaches out to her, motioning in a way that says it’s okay. She sits back down, but even when her mouth is closed, it’s evident she’s clenching her jaw. Aunt Carol never liked Dad.
Dad sits up straighter while he presses his lips over his teeth to hide a hopeful smile.
Not liking the hope on his face, I quickly add, “I don’t forgive you for what you’ve done, but I’m man enough to acknowledge what it took for you to admit you were wrong and to ask for help. Thank you for doing that.”
“I’m glad you’re getting the help you need, Rick.” Mom pats his knee, giving him a strained smile. Determination is etched on her face, a sign of her bravery to push through the discomfort because she knows we both need the closure.
Dad nods and reaches a hand out. I stare at it, almost waiting for him to use it for violence, but Lauren gives me a subtle nudge.
I take his hand, meeting his gaze as I add, “If you ever step a toe out of line, I will not be forgiving in the future. I have too much at stake now. I’m not going to give all this up for you. ”
“I completely understand.” Dad nods like a bobble head. “You’ve built a beautiful life for yourself, surrounded by strong women. Don’t mess it up like I did.”
“I won’t,” I snap just as the women around me chime in with, “He won’t.” It brings a warmth to my chest and releases an immense weight from my shoulders. I’m not my dad. I protect my family. I make mistakes, but it doesn’t take a stint in jail to get me to own up to them and try to be better.
“Would you like to stay for dinner?” I think Dad knows the answer to the question before he even asks it because there’s no spark in his eyes.
“No, we need to head back.”
“I’ll see y’all again though, right?” Dad’s eyes are wide.
Mom nods. “Just give us some time.”
“Of course.” He lingers, watching us as if he wants to give hugs but recognizes that may be crossing a line.
Mom gives him a head nod, indicating his apology is as far as she will let him go, and with that, we head out the door, closing that chapter of our lives with it.
When we drop Mom and Aunt Carol off at their house, the rain, which has been incessant for most of the day, has stopped.
The ground is a muddy mess, but the air smells clean.
It feels symbolic. I’ve wiped my guilt away, and I’m ready to step into life as a better man who keeps himself accountable without letting fear take over.
It isn’t until we pull into my driveway that Lauren speaks. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
She tilts her head to give me a knowing look. “You could’ve.”
“I don’t want to though. You’re my person. I want you with me all the time.”
“And I want to be with you all the time.” She glances out the window at the muddy mess that is my yard before looking back at me. “Where do we go from here?”
I turn the engine off, leaning back against my seat. “I think we finally get to let ourselves be happy.”
“I like the sound of that.”
“Me too.” I take her hand in mine over the center console. “I’m going to tell Tony I’m done with the Long Neck tonight. I’m ready to stop punishing myself and to be happy. I want to work on Copper Hill if you’ll still have me.”
“You already know the answer to that.”
“Then it’s settled.” I plant a kiss on her lips. “So, I guess we need to tell the rest of the town about us, huh? How do you want to start?”
“What do you think about being my date tonight for the New Year’s Eve party at the Long Neck?”
“I think nothing would make me happier.”