25. Just remember
JUST REMEMBER
‘What are you thinking about?’ said Andi.
Ursula put her mum’s unfinished dress back on the rail. ‘I was thinking about Mum. I wish I’d told her the truth about why we never had children. Maybe if I had, she’d have stopped waiting for them to arrive.’
‘Urs, I really don’t think she was that fussed about grandkids. She just wanted you to be happy. That was what kept her up at night, worrying about whether you were happy or not.’
‘Did she tell you that?’
‘Uh huh. She’d bend my ear about it all the time. Hey, shall we play dressing up? You do remember? Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten.’
She had. But then it came back to her. A game they used to play, back when Ursula still lived at home and Andi was a weekend visitor. The three of them, her mum included, would dress up for Sunday tea, the flashier the better. ‘I remember. What would we wear though?’
Andi stretched her arm out along the rail of clothes. ‘Take your pick.’
An oversize blousy shirt in cobalt blue caught her eye. Underneath it was a pair of striped satin straight leg trousers. More years ago than she cared to do the maths on, it had been a favourite outfit. ‘Now this I do remember. What are you choosing?’
‘Well, unlike you, my figure is not what it used to be, so there’s no way I’m going to squeeze into my New Romantic outfits.
It’ll have to be one of my nineties creations.
I think … this.’ She pulled out a red check dress with a corseted bodice and a full skirt.
It was typical Andi style back then, very Vivienne Westwood.
‘It’s got a jacket too. I made it for an industry thing.
It wasn’t long after I’d had Jet so I was still quite heavy. ’
Ursula was disappointed to find that her outfit was looser than it used to be. Andi was disappointed too, but for the opposite reason. ‘Can’t believe I’m even fatter than I was after childbirth.’
‘You’re not fat.’
‘You said I had a fat arse once, or have you forgotten that too?’
‘I’m sorry, that was nasty of me. I was angry. Anyway you got me back. A bony little shrivelled up raisin of a derriere, I believe it was. Much more original than me.’
Andi giggled. ‘Yes I suppose it was. Make-up, we need make-up. Back in a tick.’
She returned with what looked like a toolbox full of make-up. ‘I’ll do you first.’
‘Don’t go too mad. I haven’t worn make-up in years.’
‘Don’t worry I won’t, although I suppose that’s not really in the spirit of the game.
Close your eyes. Open them again. Bloody hell, Urs, have you never considered having those eyebrows threaded?
They’re like two albino caterpillars. Mascara alert.
Coming in. And now a bit of blush. You’re done. What do you think?’
Ursula looked in the mirror, amazed at the difference a bit of cosmetic trickery could make. ‘Where did you learn to do that?’
‘I used to help with the make-up when we were busy at the shows. You like, madame?’
‘I love. I mean I still look like an old woman, but at least I only look my age now.’
Andi made herself up and joined Ursula in front of the full length mirror. ‘Yep. Still got it. We are smokin’ baby. I could go to a club right now.’
‘Yeah, me too.’
‘Where do you fancy, the Rum Runner or the Holy City Zoo?’
‘Got to be the Zoo.’ They caught each other’s eye and burst out laughing.
The laughter was interrupted by the sound of the gong downstairs. Andi hooked her arm in Ursula’s. ‘Well it might not be the Zoo, darling, but shall we?’
If it had been possible to capture the astonishment they were met with when they strolled into the kitchen arm in arm, Ursula would have done so.
Because this was a memory she would like to keep coming back to.
Everyone was there today, even Howard, but only Don seemed to be unphased by their appearance.
He swirled a tea towel in the air and gave them a flamboyant bow.
‘Well now, what do we have here? Ladies, we are honoured that you’ve graced our humble kitchen with your presence. ’
Andi stuck her hand out. ‘Too kind, sir. Too kind.’
He obliged her with a kiss for it. ‘A seat at the head of the table for milady,’ he said, running ahead to pull it out. ‘And if I may assist the other fine lady? Your hand, ma’am.’
Ursula couldn’t speak she was giggling so much, so she gave him her hand and let him lead her to the table. Howard jumped up and pulled out a chair. ‘Allow me.’
Don flapped the tea towel at Howard. ‘Fie, sir. Would you have my honour in a bread basket? I challenge you to a duel. Choose your weapon. I shall take my trusty whisk.’
‘Then I shall take the soup spoon. Prepare to die, sir.’ Howard put his hands on his hips and stuck his nose in the air.
‘You scoundrel. Take that.’ Don thrust the whisk at Howard and the duel began.
The kitchen was in uproar. The only person who wasn’t laughing was Esme. ‘Lunch is getting cold,’ she said flatly.
Don slapped Howard on the back. ‘In that case I declare a draw. Let’s eat.’
‘Why are you wearing those clothes?’ said Esme.
‘We’ve been playing dressing up,’ said Andi.
Esme sent Ursula her first scowl of the meal. ‘I thought that was a kid’s game.’
‘Why should kids have all the fun?’ Andi’s eyes were twinkling. She had a glow about her that had nothing to do with the make-up. Perhaps she didn’t need to have a long tearful conversation about Pablo and what he’d done. Perhaps all she needed was to be herself again.
‘Well I think you both look ravishing. Don’t you agree, Howard?’ said Don.
‘I do indeed,’ said Howard.
‘So do I.’ Brett turned to Andi. ‘It’s about time you had some fun. Sorry. Just saying though. No offence or anything.’
Andi had some errands to run in Bala and Ursula was going with her so a change of clothes was needed after lunch.
Don suggested they kept their fancy outfits on but they pointed out they might look a bit overdressed for the Co-Op.
They kept the make-up though and, vain as it was, Ursula spent the drive down glancing at herself in the wing mirror.
‘It suits you,’ said Andi.
‘You’re very clever. I look like a clown when I put it on.’
‘I suppose Anton told you that, did he?’
‘Not in so many words.’ She looked in the mirror again and saw herself, how many years ago was it?
Too many to pin down. The first time he’d said something, anyway.
She’d been getting ready to go to a cocktail party.
Some people he wanted to impress, so he’d bought her yet another simple black dress to wear.
She was sitting at the dressing table when he came in.
She’d already done her eyes and was about to apply some blusher to her cheeks.
He took the brush out of her hand. ‘We are going to a sophisticated party, not a nightclub. Wash it all off. And put your hair up. You can at least try to look the part for one evening.’ And of course she did just that, because Anton knew best. He always knew best. At least that’s what she thought at the time.
‘I could teach you,’ said Andi.
‘What?’
‘How to apply it. The make-up. It’s not hard. As Brett might say, it’s about time you had some fun.’
‘He doesn’t agree with what Pablo did to you. He told me that specifically. I think he wants you to know he’s on your side but he can’t find a way to say it. I think they’re all on your side. Especially Don.’
Andi pulled into a car park by the lake. ‘Why especially Don? Has he said something too?’
‘He doesn’t have to. It’s plain to see he dotes on you.’
‘He’s a good friend, that’s all. And I’ve had my fill of men, thanks all the same. All the ones I’ve ever been involved with have turned out to be shits.’
‘Don could be the trend bucker.’
Andi flashed her palm at Ursula. ‘I’d rather not find out that he isn’t. I like his company too much. Talking of which, what’s going on with you and Howard? I’ve noticed you giving him sneaky side glances, and I haven’t seen him this cheerful in a long time.’
‘He reminds me of someone I used to know, that’s all. I can’t speak for him but perhaps he’s cheerful because his wife’s responding to his photos.’
‘Perhaps. He’s leaving on Saturday. Did you know?’
‘No, he hasn’t said.’
‘It was planned. He has to get back to Dilys.’
They took the lake path into the town centre. The lake was quite spectacular but she was too distracted to fully appreciate it. Of course, Howard had to go back to Dilys. He was only here for a break. Ursula knew that but it didn’t stop her feeling disappointed.
‘Talking of going away, Zak called me this morning. He’s asked me to go and see him. Do you mind if I do? It’s just that I think he wants to talk to me about something and given everything that’s gone on, I can’t really say no.’
‘Of course not, you must go.’ Ursula stopped on the pretence of taking in the lake but really, she was composing herself, pushing down the uneasiness that had just bubbled up to the surface.
Andi was leaving her here. Howard was going too.
She’d be on her own with Don, Brett and, more worryingly, the dreaded Esme.
She found herself trying to remember what she’d be doing on the allotment right now but to her dismay, she couldn’t.
She’d been away too long. She needed to get back.
That was why Anton had appeared again, to let her know he was tired of waiting for her.
Yes that was it. She’d go home to the safety of her little patch and her daily structure, and to the ghost who lived behind the closed door.
Because Andi didn’t really need her, she was coping just fine.
Andi slipped her arm through Ursula’s. ‘It’ll only be for the weekend and maybe when I come back, we’ll talk properly. I’m just not very good at it. It’s stuck here inside me and I can’t get it out. But having you here, it’s helping. Even if you don’t think it is.’
‘It’s all right. I’m not going anywhere.
’ Ursula wanted to jump in her car and not stop until she hit Birmingham, but she was thinking about the day she lost the baby.
Andi running towards her, arms outstretched.
It was clearer now than it had ever been.
Andi’s face was streaked with mascara. She was crying.
She was crying for her. And then she thought of her mum’s words: ‘She’ll be there when you need her. Just remember to do the same for her.’