30. Always that inch away
ALWAYS THAT INCH AWAY
A car drove towards Ursula and tooted as it got closer.
It was almost on top of her before she realised it was Don, on the way back from his controversial shopping trip.
She raised a hand to acknowledge him, not wanting to give any indication that something was wrong.
But something was most definitely wrong.
Passion project. Those were the exact words Esme had used.
Pablo’s theory, she’d said. Ursula knew she was reading too much into it but why now, in this place?
And why Pablo? It was Anton’s philosophy, not his.
Anton, the man who wouldn’t know passion if he lived to be a hundred.
Two hundred. Three hundred. Four. But cold and unfeeling as he was, at least Anton meant it.
At least he knew how to dig in and work and craft on his so-called passion projects.
Something that feckless shit, Pablo, would never understand.
So where did Pablo get the idea from? He would have stolen it, of course.
It wouldn’t be the first time he’d taken something that wasn’t his.
Through the gaps in the trees, she saw the lake, dark and shimmering, with a sheen on it like pewter. She was surprised Anton wasn’t there standing, Christ-like, on it. But no. It seemed he reserved his hauntings for terra firma.
Another car was coming her way. It slowed down almost to a stop.
She screwed her eyes up, squinting to see if she could make out the driver in case it was one of the few people she knew here.
The driver pointed to the side of the road.
She realised then he was asking her to move out of the way.
She was almost in the middle. Ursula mouthed an embarrassed apology, swerved over to the verge, and told herself to stop being ridiculous.
It was just two words, one common phrase, and it was only because Anton’s ghost was in her head that she was connecting things that had no business being connected.
You are this close to perfection, he’d said, and she’d assumed he was joking.
Sometimes Ursula thought she really wasn’t very bright at all.
Because looking back on her life, as she’d been forced to do lately, all she could see was misunderstandings and missed opportunities.
Take her father for instance. She'd misunderstood him completely. This is your mother’s fault.
None of it would be happening if she’d agreed to let me have you.
He wasn’t talking about the way things were between them.
He wasn’t even talking about how he’d left them without a penny and made sure it stayed that way.
He was talking about Talulah, and Cass. By taking Ursula on, she’d gone against him and he’d made her pay for it.
It took Ursula fifteen years to work that one out and, even then, she’d needed it spelled out to her.
The part of the lake where she’d walked with Andi a few days ago was upon her.
She took the same path but she was going so quickly, she swallowed it up too fast. She stopped at a café a few yards off the path, took an outside table and ordered coffee.
Not that she wanted a drink, but it was a good spot to sit and view the long stretch of water disappearing into distant mountains and clouds.
It would have been quite peaceful if episodes from her life weren’t jumping around her head in a tangled mess.
They came to a halt at that first day in 1978 and, once again, she saw Anton watching her.
She wondered if, even then, he’d been considering whether she could be his greatest creation yet.
You are this close to perfection. If only she hadn’t stopped to breathe.
She never did get round to having things out with him.
Neither did she get round to leaving him.
It took months for Andi to get in touch and by then, Ursula was too wrapped up in being Mrs Anton Moller.
She’d spent the fortnight he was in Canada trying to come up with a plan, only to conclude she couldn’t think of anything other than to learn to drive.
And even that had been her mum’s suggestion to give her some independence.
It turned out she was good at it, passing her test first time which made her feel like she’d accomplished something on her own.
She didn’t realise it then, but that one thing was enough to stop her losing herself completely, which was probably why her mum suggested it.
As it happened, she hadn’t needed to worry because Anton had already made a plan for her.
When he came back, he said there was no point in her trying to find a job because he’d won the Canada project so they’d be away for at least a year.
After that there was time spent in Norway, France, Germany.
Wherever he travelled, she went with him.
She became the perfect professional wife, entertaining clients, looking good on his arm, seeing to his every need.
Anton’s second passion project had turned out just right for him.
Although he wouldn’t have said that because she was never quite perfect enough. Always that inch away.
‘Too good for my place then, are you?’ Megan stood over her, hands on hips. ‘Only joking. They do a good coffee here. Anyway, I’ve closed up for the day. Fancied a bit of fresh air. Mind if I sit with you?’
‘Not at all.’ Ursula dragged herself away from her thoughts, glad of the respite, even if it was Megan doing the dragging.
‘Don popped in earlier. Got his knickers in a twist because Esme went off on one over a bit of salad. He doesn’t want to upset Andi, you see. I told him not to worry. Did you have any luck with her? He said he’d left you to pick up the pieces.’
‘I’m not sure. I offered to help with the vegetable garden.’ She thought it best not to mention that Esme had called them both bitches.
Megan rolled her eyes. ‘Her passion project? That was brave of you. Oh, have I said something wrong?’
‘Not really, it’s just that phrase…’
‘Passion project? Bugger, I’ve said it again, haven’t I? Pablo was always banging on about it. Late onset midlife crisis, if you ask me. That and running off with a woman half his age. If anyone needs a bit less passion, it’s him.’
Yet another revelation. Andi hadn’t mentioned the woman was a lot younger than him. ‘He was a bit of a…’ Ursula was searching for the right word. Something that wouldn’t betray Andi too much.
‘Arsehole. Not that I’d say that to Andi, you understand. Poor woman’s suffered enough. But as it’s just you and me, let’s be honest, the man’s an arsehole. What I don’t get though is why they all love him so much. It’s like a cult. The cult of Pablo.’
‘I suppose they all think he saved them in some way.’
Megan let out a loud snort. ‘More fool them then. If you ask me, the only reason he brought them here was to feed his ego. And that goes for his family too. Do you know what Am-nawr means in English? This will do for now. That’s Pablo all over, that is.
Use it and lose it. Sorry. I’m in a bad mood today. ’
‘Something’s wrong,’ said Ursula.
‘You do that a lot, don’t you? Notice things.’
‘I suppose so. Does it bother you? You said before it must be a nuisance for me.’
‘Not exactly. It’s just that I notice things as well. I find it a nuisance sometimes because it gets me thinking. For instance, I notice the way you try to be as quiet and invisible as possible, like you’re frightened to take up space.’
‘I hadn’t realised it was that obvious. I got into the habit a long time ago and I can’t seem to get myself out of it. It was my husband you see. He liked quiet.’
‘Sorry if this comes out the wrong way, Ursula, but he sounds like a right barrel of laughs.’
Ursula’s face broke into a much welcome smile. ‘Thank you, Megan. I needed that.’
‘It’s Dilys. She’s got pneumonia. Happens a lot with that illness apparently. They’re saying it’s only a matter of time. That’s why I’m in a bad mood. At least Howard’s with her.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
She dabbed her eyes with her fingers. ‘I always think you can break any habit if you try hard enough. Unless you don’t want to, of course.’