Chapter 38
38
I’d only been asleep for an hour when someone knocked on the front door. I ignored whoever was out there and closed my eyes again, only to be irritated when there was a second knock. Then a third.
Throwing off the covers, I walked out of my bedroom and toward the door, every step I took laden with annoyance.
“I swear to God, this better be an emergency,” I grumbled as I reached for the handle. I swung open the door and spoke before registering who stood on the doorstep. “What do you want?” The shock of seeing him erased the residual sleepiness. “Will, what are you doing here?”
Both of his eyes were black and blue, and he had a thick bandage over the middle of his nose. He looked more like he’d gotten into a terrible car accident than beaten up by another human being.
“Can I come in? I’ll only be a minute.”
“I guess so.” I stepped out of the way so he could enter, but he stood frozen in place.
“Is he here?”
“No.”
He crossed the threshold but stood near the door.
“Do you want something to drink?” I didn’t know what the protocol was for this situation, so I blurted the first thing that came to my mind.
“No, thanks. I won’t be long.”
I pointed at his face. “Is it as painful as it looks?”
“Not as long as I don’t move any part of my face.” His attempt at a joke fell short because neither of us so much as smiled afterward. “I was lucky it was just a broken nose.” He pointed to his mouth. “Two cracked teeth and a busted lip.”
“I’m so sorry. But I’m happy you’re gonna be okay. I was worried.” Everything between us that happened aside, Will didn’t deserve what happened to him.
He shifted from one foot to the other, his nervous energy bringing on a bout of anxiety on my end.
“And I’m worried about you, Ria. I admit that I misinterpreted your feelings for me, saw something that wasn’t there, and I shouldn’t have taken the liberty I did the other night when I kissed you. I was embarrassed that you didn’t feel the same, and I didn’t handle your reaction well. I’m sorry about that. But your guy came after me like he was punishing me for attacking you or something.” His voice was riddled with apprehension. “Right before I blacked out, I saw how scared you were. And I don’t think your fear was entirely because of what was happening to me. Am I wrong?”
His words hit me hard, and even though I tried to think of a response that would contradict his accurate assessment, I didn’t have enough mental energy left to lie.
“You’re not wrong,” I said, holding up my finger as if the gesture could convince him of whatever came next out of my mouth, “but Utah wasn’t himself. I didn’t recognize that guy. He’s never flown off the handle like that before.”
“And when he does it again, what are you gonna do? It’s not just you anymore, Ria. You’re having a baby. What happens if he hurts—”
“Stop. He would never hurt me or our baby.” I placed my hand over my belly, believing my words, but a wave of doubt squeezed my heart.
As Will took a step closer, his eyes filled with pity, like I was the one who’d been beaten. “If you want me to pursue charges against him, I will. If that’s what will keep you safe.”
“I am safe.” A need to defend Utah crept over me. “But you do what you need to. For yourself.”
I wanted to plead with him not to pursue charges against the father of my baby, but what Utah did was uncalled for. A singular punch would’ve been out of line, let alone beating the hell out of him. In the end, this entire situation was out of my hands.
“Okay.” I wanted to ask him what okay meant but kept my lips sealed. “That’s all I wanted to say.” He stared at me a beat before turning and walking out of my house.
I closed the door behind him, replaying every detail of the encounter, from the damage to his face to the concern for me in his eyes. I was happy he was going to be okay, but I couldn’t get over the pang of reservation his words caused regarding Utah.
Was I scared of the man I loved? If I was being honest with myself, my answer would be 99 percent no. It was that pesky and alarming 1 percent that held me hostage to the thought that perhaps, given another perfect storm of circumstances, Utah could lose control again. I couldn’t predict the future, but I sure as hell could do everything in my power to structure a safe one for me and my baby.
“You’re being dramatic,” I mumbled to myself. “Utah wouldn’t hurt you or his child.”
Hearing my words out loud helped a little, but I believed only time would convince me fully. How well did we really know someone anyway? Everyone had secrets. Everyone also had triggers.
A knock at the front door pulled me out of my head, and for a moment, I thought Will had come back again, but when I looked out the side window, I saw Utah’s truck in the driveway.
The second I opened the door, I chastised myself for thinking anything negative about the man standing before me. The downturn of his mouth and the lines etched around his eyes were filled with heartache and regret.
“Can we talk?” he asked, shoving his hands into his pockets and keeping his distance so as not to crowd me.
“Come in.” The tiniest smile graced his mouth right before he stepped inside. I gestured to the couch, and we both took a seat—this time next to each other. “Before you say anything, there’s something I should tell you.” I’d learned my lesson the hard way. No more secrets. I wrestled with one deep breath, then two. “Will came by about twenty minutes ago.” A flicker of anger resided in the flare of his nostrils, but otherwise, he didn’t react.
“What did he want?”
“He came to apologize for misinterpreting our situation and for kissing me, but he also wanted to make sure I was okay. He thinks you’re dangerous and is worried you’ll hurt me too.”
This time it was Utah who struggled to breathe. His chest expanded and deflated numerous times as he stared at me. But I couldn’t determine if his lack of a verbal response was comforting or alarming.
I resided in the silence, praying he’d say something and soon. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he opened his mouth.
“I can sit here and tell you all day that I’d never hurt you, Ria, and I’d hope my words would be enough. But after what I did, how out of control I became, I don’t blame you for being afraid. ”
“I’m not afraid.” My response wasn’t completely truthful.
“You should be, because I am. But I’m taking steps to make sure I never become that person again.” The defensive wall around my heart started to disintegrate, but only a fraction. He took my hand in his. “You deserve everything good in this world, including a partner you can trust completely. And I want to be that man for you. I will be that man for you.”
“I believe you will be.” I enunciated each word, hoping the strength of my response convinced us both.
He leaned in and kissed me, his lips lingering longer than a simple peck. When he pulled back, he met my gaze, and the way he looked at me promised me everything else he couldn’t put into words.
“How many people get multiple chances at life? I’m not gonna risk losing the best thing to ever happen to me because of pride or ignorance, thinking I know best and can handle things myself all the time. I think you were right about the pills. On top of the guilt for being the one who survived and not Crash, on top of the fear everything could be snatched from me because that’s what I’m used to, on top of the regret that I kept pushing you away, those damn pills shoved me over. They were only meant to numb me.”
“Why would you want to be numb?”
“Because life is too much sometimes. And these past weeks proved as much. But I don’t want to be numb anymore, Ria. I want to feel it all.” His piercing gaze bore into me. “My love for you.” He put his hand on my belly. “My love for this kid.” His eyes became glassy, and for a moment, I thought he was going to shed a tear, but none ever fell. “I’ll take responsibility for what I did to Will, whatever that means.”
“He asked me if I wanted him to pursue charges. He thinks it’ll keep me safe.”
“What did you tell him? ”
“I told him to do whatever he needs to for himself. Not for me.”
“Good. I don’t want you any more involved than you already are. I’ll handle whatever happens.”
“I know.”
“I will make this up to you, baby.”
It wasn’t often that Utah used any kind of pet name for me, and I had to admit I loved it.
“I know,” I repeated, looking forward to our future.