33. Kisses of Two
Chapter 33
Kisses of Two
F or minutes our mouths clashed, tongues seeking, entangling, caressing, and time seemed to stop. I gave myself over to Sloan and satisfied an urge I’d long suffered since Phillip came back.
And then it ended.
Sloan was the first to withdraw, his thumbs swiping longingly across my wet, parted lips. His narrow eyes were pupil-blown lustful things that I’d seen a few times but never quite like this. It made adrenaline rush my veins and my pulse thrum violently in my ears.
“Any way you’ll have me, I’m yours. I won’t be greedy. I know your feelings for Phillip are strong, and it’s not my intention to pressure you,” Sloan whispered, his mouth ghosting across mine again before retreating.
A sigh escaped my lips, full of desperate need and resignation. My hands clung to his large ones still holding my face, not ready to let go but determined to say something, anything, that may express an iota of what I was feeling—what I’d struggled with for months.
“I do like you, Sloan,” I said slowly, watching his lips hint at a smile. “Like, a lot, and that’s why it’s confusing. I don’t really know what the right answer here is, but I do know this isn’t going to work the way it’s going right now. I need to figure things out. Try to understand my own feelings. I can’t lead anyone on by pledging myself to them. It’s not fair. ”
His deep husky voice whispered, “Then don’t.”
“Don’t?” My eyebrows lifted into my hairline.
A secretive grin tainted Sloan’s lips before he stole another kiss and threaded fingers through my hair, the seductive lure of his mouth causing my body to pitch forward. But he stayed frustratingly out of reach. “Phillip and I are big boys, and we’ve lived for a very long time. Even with that being the case, we still struggle to know what it is we want. Relationships are complex and ever-moving, and they look different for each person.”
Leave it to Sloan to effortlessly put my heart at ease with his words, to say all the things I’d been desperate to hear. To validate every goddamn struggle in my heart like I wasn’t crazy. Like I was perfectly normal. I’d never felt so damn seen by any other man in my life, and it made my throat lock up with emotion.
If the Brit noticed, he didn’t show it. Simply carried on talking like I wasn’t in front of him, two seconds from crying. “It’s only natural that you’d be conflicted and unsure about having feelings for two people. I’m not asking you to choose me over him, or to choose at all if that’s your wish. I’m only asking you to make space for me. Let me show you who I am and what I can give you. I want to be a part of your life, however that looks.”
My eyes dropped away from his, battling another onset of debilitating emotion, so I started to ramble, “Grams says she was with five people at one time. Can you believe that? Grams was all like ‘We were all consenting adults, V’ like she hadn’t just uttered a whole lot of fucking crazy.” I used my best Grams voice, gravelly and full of subtle chiding, air quoting her words. “She and I never talk about sex. Like, ever . It was totally out of nowhere, and now I can’t stop thinking about who those people were and where she found them. Or singing the Pokémon theme song, if I’m honest.”
The eyebrow raise from Sloan had me scrambling not to sound like a total idiot.
Too late.
“ It’s still a little weird to think about her living it up with five separate people, but she was quick to say it was nothing to be ashamed of.”
The amused eyes straying to my mouth and those stroking fingers in my hair were so damn good, and they turned me into a rambling monster. Being in front of him like this should’ve stopped the word vomit in its tracks, but it didn’t. Sadly, I didn’t think anything would at this point.
“That wily old fox said I should explore. Hit it and quit it. She’s a crazy person. I mean, no one hits it and quits it, Grams. That’s for sleaze balls and people with personality problems. Okay, yeah, maybe I have a few of those problems, but it’s because I’m young, not because I’m intentionally an asshole.”
Sloan’s laughing eyes danced around my face. Then I heard his soft, chest-deep chuckle, and I just melted into V goo before pulling myself together.
Ugh.
“Anyway, Jo also said something similar the other day—live messy and don’t apologize. I seem to be getting a lot of random advice these days.”
Oh, God, V. Just. Shut. Up.
Sloan’s smile only grew the longer I babbled. But thankfully, the angelic bastard finally came to my rescue. “I agree with Rose. You’ve had a rough go, love. Your year hasn’t been great.”
That’s the understatement of the century .
“And if memory serves, you’ve barely experienced relationships of this nature before meeting Phillip. I’d be more surprised if you’d figured it all out. Might have to then ask you to teach me your ways because I certainly haven’t, and neither has Phillip. If he cares about you, he’ll let you sort through it.”
And there it was, the one thing I needed to hear: “If he cares about you, he’ll let you sort through it.” Those were the words I refused to say to myself because I wasn’t sure if Phillip would ever be that person. Would he let me sort it out? Would he know how hard it was just to ask for it, to ask for time, like Sloan was clearly ready to give me? I wasn’t confident the Austrian would, and it tore me apart every second I didn’t say it. Because I did love him, but my feelings for Sloan were strong, too. Distracting, all-consuming, the same way it’d been with Phillip when I was with Nigel.
‘If you love someone, set them free’ was a pretty well-known quote by someone who’d written a book. Jonathan-something. I’d done that with Phillip when he left on his misguided protection adventure, and now I needed it from him. But I wasn’t sure I’d get it.
And if I didn’t, what did that mean for us?
The fingers weaving and brushing through my hair were suddenly gone, and Sloan took several steps back, his gaze straying to the door. “Think about it, pet. I’m not going anywhere.”
I opened my mouth, but Cassius flung the door open like he’d seen some shit, and now he needed a drink. “I will never ever with that devil of a woman—”
Unfortunately, those teleportation stones the Fae used meant I didn’t hear him until he was at the door, and I unconsciously put more space between Sloan and I, the proverbial girl caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
But what a delicious cookie jar this man is.
The melodramatic Dark Fae’s eyes caught the two of us standing suspiciously close but not. He took a moment’s pause, hands on his hip like a wary mom, before Jo pushed her way through, throwing the dude hilariously off kilter. She gave the two of us a glance, lips lifted, and his eyes cut over to her angrily. But the look Jo gave him had the Dark Fae scraping the back of his neck, throat nervously bobbing.
I got the sense that Jo had stolen Cash for a reason, and I was quietly grateful. Sloan’s supportive words and heated kiss gave me courage to do what I needed to do; to promise myself to no one and indulge a little.
Sitting back down, I pretended that I was only just starting my breakfast and hadn’t been caught in the act, but the Dark Fae beelined for me like a man on a mission and took the seat Sloan occupied only ten minutes prior.
Before we kissed like shameless maniacs.
“Spill. The. Tea,” was his demand, one clap at a time, and I could only shrug and pretend I had no idea what he was talking about. “Don’t give me those doe eyes. I know you’re hiding something, and since I’m bored, I plan to find out what that is.”
It wasn’t seconds later when Cash was on his feet, a large hole sliced straight through the side of his fancy-person shirt, artfully avoiding injuring him. When I followed the dangerous path, a dagger was sunk into the cabinet behind the gaping Fae. His accusing eyes lifted to the only person in that room brazen enough to do it .
Smirking, Jo sipped from a coffee mug and continued to read her book. “Sorry. Bored,” she explained with an impish grin before going back to her reading.
Again, I was saved.
I’m building a Jo shrine. I don’t even care how foolish that makes me.
I shoveled my breakfast into my mouth and escaped the prying asshole to get my thoughts in order and prepare my heart for when Phil finally returned.
The sound of distinguishable footfalls all the way to the door, the way Phillip let a sigh escape, the sound of his powerful body shifting before he grabbed the knob, kept me frozen to my spot on the bed, heart thrumming loudly in my ears.
I swallowed as the door clicked open and Phillip’s wide girth appeared in the frame, his intense eyes finding mine instantly. He fitted through the open space of the door and then closed it behind him, the abrupt click causing a jolt to travel the length of my spine.
Being the perceptive fuck he was, Phillip paused and let his eyes travel my body before speaking, “Waiting for me, maus? We’re so eager tonight.”
Sure, of course that’s the road he’d travel first.
It was difficult to breathe or think with his predatory eyes licking me from head to toe, ready to act on some bedroom shenanigans, the sexy monster.
And he’d never know how much I wanted to escape in my head to that shameless place he always took me whenever we were alone, relying on our bodies to say the words we couldn’t. But the stolen kisses, the crimes I committed both today and in my head, nagged at every part of me and locked down Ho-Ho V. I’d put it off for long enough, and it wasn’t fair to either of us.
The fear sat in my throat, making it difficult to swallow, but I beckoned the man over with a pat on the bed next to me. Phillip was an insanely talented Hunter, and he’d figure it out. He’d know that what I had to say was serious.
By the way his jaw clenched and the muscles tensed around his torso, it was obvious he already had. He took several steps before plopping down beside me, the immense weight of him nearly sending my body into his. Quickly, his lethal eyes were on me, deciphering the emotion in my expression. He reached for me, cradling my face, and the powerful look he offered me put my body into chaos.
My heart raced like he could see it all, see every dark secret. I’d never be good enough to hide it from him, and maybe that was for the best. The betrayal was in every accelerated throb of my pulse, and my stomach twisted into a thousand knots. Before uttering a word, my body punished me.
“Mein schatz,” he whispered, his thick, rattling voice making my courage falter, “is this about the deal you struck with Cash?”
I froze, not expecting that completely-off-the-mark response, and he took it as a sign he was right. I struggled to collect my thoughts before he sighed and brought our mouths together in a sweet kiss.
“I know it all. Whatever you promised him, I’ll get you out of it. Worry not, lass.” Phillip’s lips quirked up, proud of himself in light of my obvious surprise .
“That’s not what this is about,” I corrected with a frustrated sigh, taking his smile with the statement. “But before I get to that, you can’t get me out of the magical contract I made, so we need to do it.”
His eyes narrowed, the rage burning in all the blue. “A magical contract?” The Austrian started to get to his feet, but I caught his arms to stop him. “Let go, V. I’m going to kill that sneaky bastard.”
The moment had gotten so out of hand, it made me blurt out the next thing, desperate to stop him. “I might be in love with Sloan!”
That stopped him.
It’d be weirder if it hadn’t, V .
His entire body went rigid, the muscles pulled so tight I worried they’d snap. Then the deadly Hunter pivoted and glared down at me. “What’s that, V?”
Fuck, if those eyes could kill…
“Well, I…um, love may not be the right word. But I have feelings for him. And you. I’m really confused right now,” I babbled, barely stringing two coherent sentences together, but desperate to put it out there even if I sounded like a fucking idiot.
The other Hunter stared down at me, saying nothing with his mouth, but his body was telling an epic story of the worst kind of betrayal. It tore me to pieces to see his eyes drown in an emotion he’d never show anyone else. He might be angry, but he was hurt too. It was all there in his stare.
“When you left,” I started quickly, heart in my throat and ready to make me choke on my words, “he and I…well, it doesn’t matter. I know you’re aware that we were together, and I thought I was genuinely done when you came back. But—”
“You aren’t,” he finished, his voice disturbingly soft.
In a surprisingly vulnerable moment, Phillip ran a hand through his hair and sat back down, shoulders slumped in defeat. I’d never seen the man look so small and…broken. Every bit of his usual confidence washed away to expose the weak man beneath, and it was a heart-wrenching sadness that the usually cool Hunter hadn’t shown since he told me about Giselle.
“You don’t want to be together?”
The way he said it, not truly asking, sort of assuming, was a fucking dagger to my heart, and I rushed to say something— anything —to take away some of his pain. “It’s not that I don’t want to be together. It’s…I’m confused. I care about you both, so I don’t think it’s fair to pledge myself to anyone. Not right now.”
A long breath escaped him before his blue eyes found mine again. The raw emotion in his gaze made it hard to say anything else to him. So, I just listened as his deep, rumbling voice broke through the quiet. “I want to be angry, but I brought this on myself, V. I’ve been selfish and took you for granted. And as much as it destroys me to say it, Sloan is someone who can give you things I can’t.”
His eyes searched the space ahead, no longer looking at me. The curve of his spine as he rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward was tough to look at. The normal Phillip would die before showing himself in such a helpless state—at the mercy of his emotions like the rest of us. It was the vision of a destroyed man, one who saw the end but ran from it, knowing he could never truly escape it. I wanted to hug him and promise him the future, but I couldn’t.
Tucking stray red hair behind my ears, I swallowed the emotion burning my throat. “Phillip, I’m…so sorry. ”
He sighed again, roughly combing back the dark hair that had fallen into his face, closing his eyes in resignation, openly grieving. Then his powerful gaze was back.
“I might not like it, V, but your feelings are your own. Thing is, I want to be with you. I’ll share you if I have to, if that’s what you want. I just…” His jaw perceptibly clenched and his chest expanded. “I’ll do anything if I can be with you.” His tattooed hand wrapped around mine, and his words were firm and entreating. “Stay. I don’t care how. Just stay.”
Fuck, my heart.
“But that’s not fair—”
“Fuck fair, V. I’ve hardly been fair to you. I know it, and it fucking kills me to see that I did this to you. That I made you feel like you were trapped. So I’ll give you whatever you want. I nearly lost you once. I won’t lose you again. If that means you exploring this thing with Sloan, or fuck it , anyone else, as long as I can still be with you, I’ll do whatever it takes.” His voice boomed, causing my body to stiffen. “As long as I can have you, even if it’s just a piece, I’ll do whatever I can to make it happen.”
Too surprised to speak, I merely stared at the man in front of me, shedding his arrogance, his signature devil-may-care attitude, vulnerable heart on display, and I couldn’t deal. It was heartbreaking, but it was also the sweetest thing he’d ever done for me.
And I fell for him all over again.
Phillip came close, taking strong hold of my face, a fear I’d never seen living in his eyes before he kissed me. Our mouths merged hotly, tongues entangling, and I gasped so loud it took us both by surprise. A deep growl thundered from inside his chest, sadness morphing to lust, and then Phillip kissed me like his intention was to devour me until there was nothing left .
The way he clung to me, brought my body into his, encouraged me to come onto his lap and wrap my arms around his neck, it was as if he was afraid I was going to run. Afraid that I might say no. Afraid he was seconds from losing me. But he’d never know how perfect his words were; how they freed me from guilt and shame.
How I, too, wanted to give him what he wanted.