Chapter Thirteen
Adrian
I knew that this was a possibility, and yet, I was still hoping that the scroll was wrong, that Lilith’s father made a mistake. I was already sitting atop my horse, the powerful creature underneath me steady and patient, everything I was not at this moment.
The weight of the day’s revelations pressed heavily upon me, and I had no idea what to do, where to go. Moments after I rushed out, Lilith emerged from the hut as well.
“Adrian!” she called out to me, looking at me with those eyes that held both love and concern. “Wait a moment, please…”
“I can’t, Lil,” I told her what I had been thinking from the moment the witch revealed it was all true. “I can’t go back with you.”
Her eyes widened in shock and disbelief. She remained standing where she was, as if frozen in time and space.
“What do you mean?” she managed to muster.
“Exactly that,” I repeated. “I can’t go back with you.”
“You can’t mean that,” she spoke softly, as if losing her voice. “You need to come home with me, home where your daughter is waiting for you. What am I supposed to tell her when I return without you, Adrian? What!?”
I could hear frustration and fear in her voice, and I understood where it was coming from. But this was the first time I couldn’t protect her, because this time, I would need to protect her from myself.
“Tell her I will come back later,” I replied. “I’m not leaving you, Lil. It’s not that. I just… I’m afraid of what I might become, of the unknown depths of my nature. What if I hurt you? Or even worse… what if I hurt Cass?”
The possibility of hurting those I loved the most loomed like a shadow over my soul.
“You would never do that, Adrian,” she replied immediately, taking a step towards me, as if to show me that she wasn’t afraid. “You have always been my protector. You have saved me so many times, in ways I can’t even begin to comprehend. You have always been my rock. You would never harm me or Cass. I know that.”
I wondered if I should tell her my deepest fear. I’d been keeping it to myself all this time, and it had been eating me up alive. For a while, I even thought that I managed to push it into the darkness of my subconscious mind, that it would not follow me any longer. But now, it was exactly the opposite.
I had always been afraid of the vampire inside of me. My human parents managed to help me keep it contained, to keep it under control and it never surfaced, unless someone I loved was in mortal danger. Then, I would allow it to come to the surface and do what it was meant to do.
Now, with this newfound knowledge in sight, I wasn’t sure whether I was actually controlling the animal inside of me or if it simply allowed me the illusion of control. But how could I explain any of this to Lilith? Would she understand? Or would it be a burden she wouldn’t be able to comprehend? It was best to keep her away. At least, she would be safe from me, from the darkness inside of me.
“Adrian?” Her voice brought me back to the present moment.
I struggled to find the words to explain my decision, my voice quivering with the weight of my fears. “Lilith, I... I can’t go back with you. I need to come to terms with what Ive learned today, with this connection to Constantine. I’m afraid of the darkness within me, of what I might do.”
Her eyes welled up with tears, with a deep sense of love and empathy. “Adrian, I… I love you. Come back with me, please. We’ll face this together, just as we have always done. Please, don’t turn your back on us, on everything that we’ve built together, just because of this senseless fear.”
“It is not senseless, Lil,” I tried to explain, keeping a safe distance between us, as if something terrible might happen if she came closer. “I’ve always been afraid of this darkness inside of me. Every vampire has it. Your father knew that. Maybe that is why he kept that scroll a secret from us both. I don’t know. I guess we’ll never know. He had his reasons. But, just as he thought that the truth should be kept from us, I think I should be kept from you… at least for now.”
Tears glistened in her eyes, and I knew that her love was unconditional. It was unwavering. But I also knew that this was a journey I needed to undertake alone, to explore the depths of my true nature and to confront the shadows that were threatening to consume me.
“Go home, Lil,” I urged. “You can stop at the village and spend the night there, so you don’t travel alone at night.”
She took another step closer to me. “Then, come back with me,” she was adamant. “Keep me safe as you’ve aways done, my love. Don’t leave me.”
“I’m not leaving you.” Every word felt like a dagger to my heart. I knew I was hurting her, but I also knew that she needed to stay away from me. I had to find out how tainted my blood was, whether there was a real vampire inside of me, an evil, malicious one who would turn his back on his loved ones. The thought sent shivers down my spine.
“I know you,” she continued, refusing to give up. “I know who you are, even if you think you don’t. I was the one you saved at that cemetery, where my sister and I were trapped, surrounded by vampires. I was the one who discovered that you were replaced by a doppelganger, and that it wasn’t really you. I was the one who spent every single night in your arms, by your side, waking you up when you had nightmares. It was me, Adrian. It is I who know the real you, and I am telling you that you would never hurt us. Never.”
“But the darkness, Lil,” I reminded her. “That vampire darkness… you can’t understand…”
“I can,” she interrupted me, sounding incredulous. “You think that only vampires have darkness inside of them? That only werewolves, vampires and other supernatural beings possess this darkness?” She paused for a moment, to let the point sink in, although I could tell where she was going with this. “No, Adrian. Everyone has this dark side. Every single being on earth. And you know what? We fight it. We all fight it. We all choose to be good, every single day. It is a choice we make, and keep making. It is not some magical ability you think you don’t have.” She spoke all of that so quickly that she was now breathless, and I could hear her breathing.
I had to admit that I didn’t know what to say to all of that. She was right. There was darkness in us all. I could accept that much.
“But this darkness is different,” I tried to explain. “It is half of your being. You are born a supernatural being. And you are half good, half bad. You humans aren’t like that. You are born a tabula rasa. You are a clean slate. You fill it any way you want or you let others fill it in for you. It’s a choice, like you said. But mine isn’t a choice. I am a vampire. I am half good, half bad. The animal inside of me is under control, but what will happen when I lose the reins? When I can’t control it any longer, when it starts thirsting for blood?”
“It won’t,” she assured me.
“How can you know that?” I asked. “How?”
“Because I know you,” she reminded me. “I don’t know any other vampires as well as I know you, so I can talk about you and you alone.”
I inhaled deeply, seeing that there was no convincing her. I wanted her to see that I was doing this for her sake. I would never forgive myself if I hurt her or Cass in any way.
“Please, Lil, listen to me, just this once,” I pleaded, losing the strength to go on.
I thought she would fight me more, but she didn’t. She was biting the inside of her cheek, as she always did when she was trying to suppress an onslaught of emotions. I could tell there were a million things she wanted to tell me, but she could also see that my mind was made up. I would not be going back with her, and this was breaking both our hearts.
I watched her go over to her horse and mount it. The horse neighed softly, and Lilith calmed it down with a gentle pat. She lifted her gaze to meet mine. Her eyes were all red and swollen already. She wasn’t even trying to wipe away her tears.
“I will wait for you at home,” she finally told me, in a voice that was on the verge of breaking. “Don’t be too late.”
With those words, she galloped away, not turning around. I watched her silhouette grow smaller in the distance, her presence a beacon of love and support even as I rode farther into the heart of the woods. As the forest enveloped me, its ancient trees whispering secrets of the past, I was filled with a mixture of trepidation and determination. The horse’s hooves beat a steady rhythm against the earth, carrying me deeper into the unknown.
The solitude of the woods offered both refuge and challenge, a space in which I could confront the truth of my shared bloodline with Constantine and the potential darkness that resided within me. With each passing moment, I was drawn closer to the heart of the mystery that had set the course of my destiny, and the weight of my responsibilities as a protector of the kingdom weighed heavily on my shoulders.