Chapter 37
SADIE
The best thing about renting a furnished apartment is that there’s not much to pack up when you leave.
It didn’t take me long to decide sleeping on Ali’s couch or even sharing her bed would be better than staying here.
Thank God for month-to-month lease agreements.
I don’t even care that I have to pay for the next thirty days, I want out of this crappy place.
All I see when I look around is sadness.
My sadness from before Maverick and my sadness now, after him. Missing the man I fell in love with, the man who, somehow, without me even realizing it, helped me become a better, more authentic version of myself.
I’ve realized he was right. I was hiding from my own discontent by putting all of my energy into him and our relationship.
First, by wanting to make sure our ruse did what it needed to do, which was selling him as a changed man and helping him establish a new image.
Then, in wanting to see what was growing between us and whether it could be something real.
For weeks, I convinced myself that I was fine.
That I was over Dirk and the hurtful things he said, and that I was happy with who I was.
But Maverick was the one to show me how much more I could be.
How free I could feel if I let myself be open to showing the world my true self instead of just the pieces of me I thought everyone wanted.
It was more than just wearing a bold dress or choosing something new to eat or drink.
It was about discovering what I want in life, instead of always going along with what I thought was expected of me. He showed me that, in ways I don’t even fully understand.
And in the week since I last saw him, I’ve tried desperately to hold onto that.
I’m doing things I never would have done before, like eating dinner alone at a restaurant I’d always wanted to try.
And buying a new green blouse that is so different from anything in my closet.
Of course, it wasn’t lost on me that the restaurant was one Maverick had talked about, and the blouse was one I knew he would love.
He’s still in my heart and my mind. I still love him.
I fold a shirt into my suitcase, then stand to get another armful of clothes from my closet when a knock at the door makes me pause.
It can’t be Ali, she’s at work for the day.
And my parents don’t know exactly where I’m living.
It was easier that way rather than dealing with their worries over me living in such an unsavoury neighbourhood.
When I open the door, my heart leaps out of my chest and into his.
At least that’s what it feels like when I greedily drink in the sight of Maverick.
He’s wearing jeans that are molded to his perfect butt and strong legs, and a gray T-shirt that hugs those biceps that can hold me so tightly.
It’s hard not to fling myself into his arms, following my heart.
“Hey, Specs.” His voice sounds gravelly and raw with unfiltered emotion. His expression is drawn, and the dark circles under his eyes mirror my own. There’s still some faint bruising on one cheekbone from his altercation with Eli, and it’s a forceful reminder of the day everything fell apart.
“What are you doing here?” I whisper, trying desperately to suppress the flare of hope filling my body.
“Can I come in to talk?” he says by way of answer, and I step aside to let him in.
He walks in ahead of me, so I don’t see his reaction to the few boxes in the living room or the open suitcase that is visible through my bedroom door.
We go to the lumpy couch and sit, him at one end and me at the other.
I fold my hands in my lap, trying to outwardly project a calm I’m most definitely not feeling.
For the first time, the silence between us is awkward. I’m waiting for him to start, seeing as I don’t want to even think of why he might be here, for fear of letting that flare of hope turn into a flame that could burn me.
“Jesus. I had what I’d say all planned out. And now that I’m here, I can’t stop staring at you.”
My gaze bounces up from my lap to his face. Just as he said, his blue eyes are boring into me. It hurts to look at him and not be able to reach out and touch him as I have a thousand times over the last few weeks.
“Are you moving?” he asks the obvious question, finally breaking the silence again.
I nod. “Into Ali’s place for now. Being alone is…hard.”
His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows.
“Yeah. It is.” Another second of silence, and then his head drops forward to hang down, his elbows resting on his knees.
“I have to start with saying I’m so fucking sorry.
That’s not anywhere near enough, but it’s the only place to begin.
” He lifts his head, and his eyes are so filled with pain it makes it hard for me to breathe.
“I pushed you away before you could leave me. That’s the short version of how fucked-up I am.
My entire life, I’ve kept everyone away, never letting anyone get close, simply so they couldn’t hurt me later on by leaving.
But I couldn’t keep you away. I couldn’t stop you from getting under my skin and into my broken black heart, no matter how hard I tried.
And I guess at some point, I stopped trying.
I let you in, and it felt good. Being with you, having you by my side, it felt good and right and easy. ”
He pauses, a sad smile lifting the corners of his lips. I want to trace the curve with my fingers, but again, I resist.
“And then it started to feel scary as hell. Because letting you in meant revealing my flaws. And I worried that when you saw them, you’d realize the truth that I was nowhere close to good enough for you.
I’m a guy who had an abusive dad and a mom who died of cancer when I was a baby.
I’m a guy who grew up bouncing around foster homes.
I’m a guy who barely graduated from high school, has zero education, and only knows how to do one thing, play baseball.
I gave my foster brother money, over and over, knowing it would probably be used to buy drugs, simply because I felt so guilty over leaving him in foster care when I aged out.
I drove in an illegal street race and crashed a car because that same brother got caught up in a mess he couldn’t get out of.
I pick fights with assholes at bars. I don’t have any friends except for the old guy who lives across the hall from me and a cat.
I hate being around people, don’t do small talk, and have never been in a relationship.
There’s nothing about me that makes me worthy of a woman like you, and I hurt you in an attempt to keep you from realizing that. ”
A lone tear spills from his eye, tracking slowly down his face, and I can’t hold back any longer. My hand lifts to cup his cheek, my thumb wiping away the moisture. I shift closer to him as he turns his cheek into my hand, his eyes closing as he draws in a ragged breath.
“You’re looking at everything all wrong,” I murmur, my heart aching for this man who can’t see how everything he thinks of as a flaw is actually a beautiful piece of what makes him so strong.
“You’re a man who overcame a terrible childhood to become an incredible athlete who is admired by thousands.
A man who is respected and valued by his teammates.
You’re a man who is so dedicated to his career, you’d do anything for it.
And you’re a man who defends those who can’t defend themselves.
Who gives everything he has to those he cares about, and has no clue just how big his heart really is.
It’s not broken and black. It’s wounded and scared, but also capable of so much. ”
Tears are streaming down my face now. Maverick has lifted his head out of my hand to stare at me with an expression of innocent hope and wonder, like the little boy he once was can’t believe the man he is today could be all I say.
“Eli came to see me a few days ago,” he starts again, but his voice is stronger this time. “After you and he talked, he went and found a counselor who got him on the wait list for rehab. He said you were the one to make him finally realize he needed help.”
My smile breaks free. I’m so happy to hear Eli took that step.
“But the wait could be months. So yesterday…” Maverick pauses, clearing his throat.
“Yesterday I dropped him off at a private facility in the valley. He’ll be there for two months.
Colin and I are covering the cost.” He slowly reaches over, glancing up at me first. Then, when he sees my smile, takes my hand and laces our fingers together.
And that simple touch, the feel of his hand in mine, settles the ache in my chest. “He came to the apartment to thank you. You helped him in a way I never could. And I should have been falling at your feet in gratitude, not pushing you away in fear.” His eyes close again, and he lifts our hands to his lips, kissing my knuckles lightly before opening his eyes and looking at me. “Can you find a way to forgive me?”
I lean in to rest my forehead against his, feeling his exhale against my skin. “Only if you can forgive yourself.”
A choked sound close to a sob comes out of the big beautiful man sitting in front of me, and then he sags against me.
His arms wrap around me like a vice, lifting me up to settle on his lap.
We’re pressed as close together as possible, and it’s still not enough.
I cup his scruff-covered jaw in my hands and press my lips to his, finally feeling his kiss fill my soul once again.
He pulls back, keeping it soft and short, and his eyes are still glistening with tears.
“Sadie, I love you. I’ve been falling in love with you for weeks.
Hell, probably for as long as I’ve known you.
Everything about you is all I could possibly need.
I never knew someone like you existed, much less could be with a guy like me.
But I swear to you, I’ll never let another day go by without telling you just how much I love you. ”
I’m speechless.
I’m staring at him through watery eyes, my mouth open in shock.
Of all the things I imagined he would say if we saw each other again, those three words were never on the list. Even in my wildest dreams, where I imagined him coming back and apologizing, I didn’t dare let myself picture him telling me he loved me.
I scramble to recover, knowing I need to say something before he starts to wonder if those feelings are reciprocated.
“I’ve wanted to tell you I was falling in love with you since the night of your first game. But it started long before that. You’re not the only one who was scared. I was, too. So scared that I wouldn’t be enough for you. We were both wrong, Maverick. We’re more than enough for each other.”
He leans in and kisses me again, his tongue darting out to trace the seam of my mouth. I open eagerly with a small moan.
This time when we break apart, the tears are gone and we’re both breathing heavily.
Maverick’s head turns, and he zeros in on the boxes.
“I’m glad you’re getting out of this shithole, Specs.
” He looks back at me, tenderly tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.
“But if you’re gonna sleep somewhere other than here, it better be in my bed, where you belong. ”
“Mav,” I murmur, running my fingers through the curls at the base of his neck. His eyes widen as he leans back slightly.
“What did you say?”
My brows draw together in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Mav. You’ve never called me that, it’s always Maverick.”
It takes me a second to realize he’s right. And another to realize why. “I think that was my weird way of not letting myself get too close. In my head, only people close to you called you Mav.”
He’s shaking his head, his smile so full of love.
“Oh, Specs, you couldn’t be more wrong. Everyone calls me Mav.
Only the most important person in my world calls me Maverick.
” He kisses me again, deeper this time. And the world around us grinds to a halt.
The only thing I’m aware of is the feel of his lips on mine and his arms holding me tightly, exactly where I want to be.
Suddenly, he stands up, making me squeak as he lifts me with him. “Maverick! What are you doing?”
He doesn’t answer, just carries me into my bedroom. But my bed is covered in clothes and suitcases. Letting out a growl, he sets me down.
“We need to finish packing and get back to our apartment so I can show you how much I love you with my tongue and my cock.”
“Our apartment?” I ask softly, and he looks down at me with such a tender smile.
“Yeah.” His smile grows deliciously wicked. “If you think I’m gonna let you live anywhere other than with me, you’re very wrong, Specs.”
I wind my arms around his neck and go up on my toes to kiss his jaw, then his cheek, and then, finally, his lips. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”