Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THORNE
Sunrises had always been my favorite. There was something so serene about the world continuing to sleep while you were awake, watching the sky transition through its orange, yellow, and pink hues. It was often my breath of fresh air in this fucked up world, but not today.
Oren wasn’t with me, and God, I felt empty.
Waiting for the others at the Black Hawk, I pulled a cigarette from the box I carried. My finger rolled across the lighter, a spark igniting as I lit the stick of sin I was about to indulge in.
The concept of sinful transgressions was a fickle thing, because I’d never believed in God. But I knew in the very marrow of my bones that leaving Oren nestled in my bed this morning was the worst atrocity of them all—an atrocity of betrayal his friends would undoubtedly scold me over.
I accepted that Oren would never forgive me. I mean, hell, why would he? I was a hypocrite disguised as a saint in his eyes, and when he found out I’d turned my back on him again, there was no going back.
Still, like the idiot I was, I did it knowing the consequences. And when he’d looked at me last night, on the brink of breaking, I hated myself more than I hated his father.
I didn’t do any of it from a desire to harm him. I wanted to keep him alive, for him to continue to shine his radiance down on everyone around him, even if it wasn’t me. He breathed the very concept of life into my lungs, awakening my soul from the death and despair I was lulled into.
I refused to let death have him.
Perhaps that made me a selfish idiot, but for him, I’d happily wear the title.
Taking a drag, I basked in the burn that swarmed my throat and chest, trying to draw my mind off the letter I’d left for Oren. He’d probably rip it apart, but I hoped he’d at least wait until his eyes swept across my words before shredding it, just like I knew I’d done to his heart.
Matthew clasped my shoulder, the sole person who knew. “You sure this is what you want?”
Simon and Liam were laughing, unaware of the decision I’d made as they trekked their way to us. Would they hate me as much as I hated myself?
Loosening my breath, the smoke drifted from my lips as I turned to face Matthew.
“There’s no other option. Oren and Lucas will be shifted to another unit while we are gone.
With Lucas our second newest recruit, I am keeping the two of them together so he doesn’t feel isolated.
I wanted this mission to be close-knit, with those I felt were most equipped,” gesturing to the four of us, I shrugged, “so here we are.”
Matthew opened his mouth to respond, but Simon cut him off. “Where’s Oren? Don’t tell me he’s bedridden after all that flirting you two did last night.” His hands clasped the strap securing his bag across his back, his usual attire discarded for our full combat outfit.
“Oren won’t be joining us,” I responded coldly. “Load up. We depart in five.”
“Won’t be joining?” Liam questioned, his brow raising as he tossed a glance at Simon, whose arms were flexed, his once stoic features pinched.
“I don’t believe I stuttered, soldier.” I was back to the mask, the facade that I hated but was forced to wear. “Get on board.”
“I’m sorry, but it sounded like you did.” Simon glared at me, his eyes darkening to a color beyond the hazel I was used to. “Because Oren wouldn’t abandon us on this mission. It’s not what friends do.”
Scoffing, I shook my head. “I think you know exactly why he’s not here, just as I know you’re very well acquainted with your position and rank on my squadron. So mind your fucking tongue and load up.”
I expected another blow from Simon, but it was Liam who stuttered through his response. “Did… Did you decide this yourself? Decide what Oren wanted?” His hands trembled, but he didn’t falter. “You messed up the moment you expected us to mind our fucking tongues.”
Stepping forward before Matthew could stop me, my fist closed around Liam’s shirt as I tossed him past me and into the Black Hawk.
My heel dug into the asphalt as I shifted to face Simon.
“Either use your legs that I know are perfectly functional and get on, or I’ll fucking make you. We don’t have time for this.”
“Thorne,” Matthew cut in, “watch it. They have every right to be upset.”
“As if I’m not? As if I don’t?” Clenching my jaw, my chin snapped toward my best friend. “Happy to see you’ve swapped sides, Harveil, but we have time restraints. So, since you’re so quaint, handle Simon.”
“Oh, don’t blame me. I might be your friend, but you know I’ll call you out on your shit when you’re making a—”
“Either get on or don’t. Hell, I’ll fucking go alone if need be.
” I interrupted, biting my cheek as I turned my back to them and swallowing the emotion in my words.
“You know your places here, and if you elect to stay behind, that’s a consequence you’ll have to face with General Valens.
I’m too fucking tired to deal with any more of this shit.
” Taking a final drag off my cigarette, I tossed it to the side, snuffing it out with my heel.
“Sure, Commander,” Simon spat, saliva hitting my boot. “I guess I’m too fucking tired to deal with your bullshit, too,” he said before climbing on board, immediately checking on Liam, who’d hit his side from my toss.
“You know,” Matthew said, “I get why you’re upset, but own it. As you said, we don’t have time for this, and I don’t need someone leading with regret.”
“Then feel free to take the reins, Lieutenant. Consider this mission your responsibility moving forward since you desire a leader who won’t act so carelessly.” I stepped around him, my shoulder colliding with his as I joined the other two inside the helicopter.
Matt glowered before slapping his hand against the outside of the helicopter to peer in at us. “You did, Thorne. You acted carelessly, and I’m sorry if you’re having to deal with the consequences of your actions.”
“Careless? Careless?” I snapped, my restraint quickly slipping.
“The three of you believe that Oren would’ve survived this mission?
That after mere weeks of training, he was ready to take on something like this?
Because if that’s the case, you can thank yourselves for your idiocy.
You would’ve willingly tossed him into the field, knowing it would take his life.
Who’s the one who’s genuinely careless here?
Who’s the one who actually cares about his well-being and doesn’t want him to take his last breath out there?
Because it sure as fuck isn’t any of you. ”
Simon and Liam lowered their gazes, but Matt… Matt stared, just like he always did when he was trying to prove a point. “He wouldn’t have, but it wasn’t your decision to make. The kid had the right to choose.”
“And, as your commander, I chose to save his life. Unlike you, Harveil, I don’t see my men as mere numbers to be easily replaced. So fucking spite me for desiring that Oren continues to live on, and so that you all don’t have to deal with what I have had to.”
“Did you save him, or did you just toss him into the hands of his father like the general wanted?” Matt tapped the outside twice before climbing into the front, leaving my reply to linger in the air.
God, what have I done?