Chapter 34 Thorne #2
Just as soon as my legs passed the threshold, I pivoted.
Driving my hands into his chest, I shoved him harshly, the words tumbling from me before I could stop them.
“You were scared? God, for one fucking minute, can you think about anyone but yourself, Matthew?! I was on the brink of pulling the plug on the life of the man I loved. And when he woke up? When he was breathing again? That fear? That uncertainty? I couldn’t stomach it, couldn’t bear the fucking thought of putting him at risk again.
And all I needed, all I was begging for, was for someone to hold me and tell me that I wasn’t a walking virus.
That I wasn’t this monstrous creature General Valens carved me into. God! I was begging for you to see me!”
“That… That came out wrong.” He swallowed, keeping his eyes downcast. “You were, and I didn’t listen.
I wasn’t there when you needed me, and I’m sorry.
I’m… I’m so fucking sorry. I just… I just wanted to apologize to you.
You… You didn’t make a mistake. I did. I made a shit ton those last few months, and my fucking choices got you hurt. ”
Scoffing a laugh, I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, you fucking did. Because you never valued me as a friend.”
“I only ever wanted to protect—”
“Protect me? Protect me?” Gliding my fingers across my scalp, I gripped my hair with a violent tug. “You’re fucking joking, right?”
“I thought… I thought I was, but I was wrong. God, I was wrong, and it’s my mistake. My fault, not yours, Thorne. I… I put everyone in danger, Oren included. It was my fault he got shot because of that plan… My idea that Oren believed would work, and when I saw him in that hospital bed… I froze—”
“Like the fucking coward you are,” I spat, closing the gap between us.
My finger drove into his sternum with enough force to bruise.
“And had it been me who took that bullet? I bet you would’ve celebrated.
Would’ve been relieved that the stain of my existence was finally wiped clean from your life.
Because why wouldn’t you have been? You happily let me go, Matthew.
Didn’t bother to call me or reach out after that day.
So yeah, appreciate the apology, but you can go fuck yourself. ”
Matthew let out a cry, tears brewing on his lashes. “I am a coward. I’m a worthless, pathetic excuse of a friend who hurt you—”
“If you’re looking for sympathy? Empathy?
” My lips curled into a sneer as my glare narrowed.
“You won’t fucking get it from me. You bled me dry of every ounce I’d ever carried the day you let me walk out of that room.
I don’t give a fuck how you view yourself, just as I don’t give a shit to sit and listen to your hysterics. ”
A pitiful sob left his chest. “I know… I know. I did, and I’m sorry. It’s my fault, and I should’ve reached out to you. You… You don’t need to give me sympathy for what I did to you.”
“Good. Then get the fuck out of my house.”
Matthew shook his head. “I-I can’t. I left before, and it was a mistake. I won’t leave… I can’t leave, Thorne.”
Charging toward him, my knuckles collided with his chest, the shove forceful enough to send him back into the kitchen. Without wasting another breath, I continued my rhythm, driving into him over and over as I pushed him toward the front door.
I needed him to leave, needed him to turn his back on me again just like he’d done that day. Because if he didn’t… If he didn’t… I was going to break in front of him all over again; I was going to humiliate myself in front of all of them again.
And Oren…
Oren had been the one who’d devised it all.
Barely registering that I was speaking, I lost count of how many times these two words tumbled out: “Get out. Get out. GET. OUT!”
He spat red, a cough billowing from his chest, but one singular motion gave me a momentary pause.
Matthew shook his head, his arms resting at his sides as the balls of his feet pressed into the ground to steady himself.
“Get. Out!” I screamed again, but this time, my demand shattered. Tears rolled forward to form on my lash line, my voice wavering. “Get out. Get out… Get out… God… Just… Get out…”
“Thorne!” Oren.
Matt held up a shaky hand. “N-No. Not like this… Not… Not when you’re begging for me to stay. I fucked up. I hurt you, but I refuse to let that mistake… mistake keep happening.”
And just like that, just as Oren—the man who I believed wished to keep me safe—had planned, I completely fell apart.
Collapsing to my knees, a shattered sob tumbled from my chest. Its pitch heightened as I shook my head, sinking to the ground again, just like I had in the fucking hospital room.
With trembling shoulders, my chin met my chest, an ear-piercing scream ripping my throat raw as I drove my knuckles into the tile floor.
Matt fell to join me, that firm voice I’d come to rely on piercing through the darkness. “Oren, tell everyone to go outside.”
“But his hand—”
“Oren!”
“G-Got it,” he said, muffled voices leaving the house as the click of a door sounded.
He’d left me again.
He’d left me again.
H-He’d…
Reeling back, I raised my arm, my once-battered hand slamming back against the ground just as it had the concrete over a year ago.
I went to pummel my hand once more, but Matt grabbed it, stalling the motion. “No. Not this time. Not when you have me and Oren.”
“Let me go!” I screamed, attempting to rip myself away from him. “Let me go… Let me go… Let me go…”
“No,” Matt replied, that same edge to his tone remaining. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you were left to deal with this on your own in the hospital. I’m sorry, I was a coward. I’m sorry I was unable to… to help you, but you are not alone. You are not—”
With trembling lips, I lifted my chin, my watery gaze finding his. “Y-Y-You… Left… Y-You left me… Just like… J-Just like everyone else… And you… You promised… Y-You promised!”
“I did… I left you. I let you leave—”
“Y-You…” The single word shattered as I dove forward, burying my head in his chest as the unrelenting wave of sorrow I’d kept buried inside of me unleashed itself.
There were no words. No pleas. No screams. Instead, it was an unfiltered brokenness, the same brokenness that’d consumed my heart since that day. And even though Oren had filled so many holes in my soul, there was one spot he’d never be able to fill because it belonged to him.
To Matt.
To my best friend.
“I did.” A mirrored sob left his lips. “I fucking did, and I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry, Thorne, but I refuse… I refuse to make that mistake again. I hurt you. God, I did, and my ignorance left you broken.”
I couldn’t form a sentence, couldn’t articulate any of the thoughts roaring through my mind.
All that tumbled from me was a steady stream of fractured cries, a collection of emotions that I’d never allowed myself to experience, and a level of guilt I’d swallowed hoping it’d somehow vanish into a nothingness I’d never have to deal with.
But none of it ever had.
It’d simply continued burning a black hole in my essence, darkening the edges of my existence until I’d become the hardened man I so deeply wished I never had to be while the child inside me screamed for someone—anyone—to hear him.
Wrapping his arms around me, he tugged me close as a fractured cry of his own accompanied mine.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry, Thorne.
For all of it. For the deceit, the betrayal, for contemplating a plan to protect you despite knowing it would hurt you in the process.
For abandoning you in the hospital room and letting you walk away.
For refusing to push past my weaknesses to carry your burdens. I’m sorry.”
My fingers gathered his shirt, balling it until my bloodied knuckles whitened. It was an action that spoke everything I wished I could, but that my sorrow prevented me from expressing: please don’t leave me.
It wasn’t a surprise when he said the words I couldn’t. “I’m not leaving. Not again… Never, because we made a pact in Iraq. We promised to hold each other accountable… to lean on each other when the pressures of this life consumed us… When our thoughts become too heavy a burden to carry alone.”
Every recollection of our time at war flooded my mind, moments so tangled in both loss and happiness. But there was always one thing that remained through the chaos and desolation that seemed to follow me, and it was him.
Through shuddered breaths, two words slipped out between my pitiful attempts to gather oxygen. “I-I’m… s-s-sorry…”
“No apologies. Not to me, because I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve a fucking thing from you.”
I shook my head, my chest aching with every need to tell him that I was sorry for hitting him, sorry for blaming him, sorry for expecting him to be the only one to reach out, sorry for all the times I’d failed him…
But the fucking words lodged themselves in the back of my throat, threatening to suffocate me with each fleeting breath.
“O-O-Oren… I-I need…”
I needed him.
My grounding cord. My calming essence. My rock in the tumultuous storm that was my life. My reason to keep going.
My reason to keep… to keep living.
“Got it, Thorne. I got it,” he whispered.
Without delay, his hands covered my ears, minimizing the shout that ripped from his throat. A scream filled with desperation for the one man I needed this second to stop myself from hurtling further.
Clumsy, heavy footfalls slapped against the tiled floors, answering the call. “Baby… Oh… Oh my God, I’m here.”
His voice. Him.
I reached back desperately, hunting for his touch, his skin, his… anything. I just needed to feel… needed to know he was there…
And like all the times before, he answered that plea. He grabbed my hand, cradling it to his chest as he fell to his knees in front of me. With his finger, he traced each one of mine, following the contours of my hand.
“I’m here… I’m here,” he repeated, those cerulean eyes catching the honeyed hues of mine. “You breathe, and I’ll trace.”
Still clinging to Matt with the other hand, I dipped my chin, focusing on the one task we’d come to master during either of our episodes.
Inhaling for four, I kept my gaze locked with Oren, squeezing Matt’s shirt as I held for four.
Slowly loosening my grasp, my lids fluttered as I exhaled for the same amount of time, the edges of my existence slowly stabilizing.
“You’re doing amazing, my love. Keep breathing.” He lifted my palm from his chest to his freckled cheek, holding it with a tenderness I still struggled with accepting.
A shudder rocked my frame as I settled into Matt’s arms completely, my gaze fixed on Oren. Swimming in his cerulean irises, the tension in my body dissipated. “O-Oren…”
“You’re okay. You’re safe,” he repeated, his timbre adding to the devotion I knew was woven into his words.
My lids fluttered, his statement guiding me into a state of tranquility. It was a place I’d never been able to reach before, not until Oren Valens walked into my life. And without him? Without us? It’d be a peace I’d never know again.
That was a life I never wished to live.