CHAPTER 14 BEN
I’m putting my chef skills to the test today. Sort of. It’s not a complicated meal, per se, but I haven’t made lemon chicken over spaghetti in a long time and I’m doing my best to recall Gramma Jean’s recipe from memory.
That’s how she cooks, too. There’s not a single recipe card in her house, but she’s the best cook I know.
My dad never took an interest in his mother’s skills, but I did.
I didn’t have a choice. When my mom and dad got divorced and I begged to stay with my dad, she was the one who raised me.
She was the one who was there while Dad logged long hours at work, and she’d force me to sit at the kitchen table and do my homework while she started dinner.
She’d hum while she cooked, and she’d make up words to the melodies of familiar songs but she’d change the words to whatever she was cooking.
I distinctly remember “Chicken, ah lemon chicken” sung to the Archies’ old song, “Sugar Sugar.”
I hum the song while I slice open the fresh lemons—a requirement of this recipe, as Gramma Jean would say. The bottled lemon juice just doesn’t taste the same, and she’s right. I’ve tried it both ways. Fresh is always the way to go.
I haven’t exactly invited Kaylee over for dinner yet, but since we’re seeing each other now, I assume she’ll be over at some point.
I decide to send her a text just to make sure.
Me: Are you coming over tonight?
Her reply comes quickly.
Peaches: I’m at Ellie’s now and I was planning to head home next.
Me: Care to detour here? I’ll make it worth your time. [eggplant emoji]
Peaches: Again?
Me: I can’t seem to get enough. [lemon emoji] [spaghetti emoji]
Peaches: I’m not sure what that means, but I’m interested. [purple devil emoji]
Me: LOL. I’m cooking dinner. Trying to show off my talents for you.
Peaches: What time are we eating?
Me: Should be ready around six.
Peaches: I’ll be there in a half hour. I have something to tell you, too.
I’m nervous about what that means, but I’m doing my best to trust her.
Me: See you soon.
I hum my way through the entire recipe as I realize how smart it was of Gramma Jean to make up the words to songs. Who needs recipe cards when you can sing your way through it?
Kaylee shows up a half hour later just as she said she would, and she’s looking all naughty schoolteacher in a skirt and blouse that would look much better on my floor than where they currently reside.
I sigh as I look at her. Jesus, she’s pretty.
I note the photographer across the street and I greet her with a kiss before I slam the door shut behind her. My hand moves up to her neck as I pull her in a little closer, this kiss just for us versus the way it started for the media.
She pulls back, and I feel…rejected.
It’s stupid to feel that way, I know. But it’s there.
She’s a little breathless as her chest heaves up and down.
“Everything okay?”
She shrugs. “Not really.”
“Come on in,” I say, waving her toward the kitchen. My chest suddenly feels heavy. I try to ignore it along with the ominous mood in the room, but it’s like a wave I can’t escape.
I resume my work as I nod toward a stool at the counter where she can watch me work and we can chat. The water is boiling, so I grab the bag of noodles. “What’s going on?” I ask, tearing it open and pouring the noodles into the water.
“My ex showed up at school today.” She blurts the words so fast I almost miss them. “Oh, and he wants me back.”
My stomach twists violently. I pull a little too hard and break the bag in half, and I nearly drop the plastic in the water as noodles fly all over the stovetop. “What?” I ask as I attempt to clean up my mess.
I’m not a messy chef, I swear.
I turn around and face her. “Your ex, like the guy you said was the only guy you ever loved? Or a different one?” Please say a different one.
“Yep. That’s the one.”
“He just showed up out of the blue,” I say flatly.
She presses her lips together and nods. “Yep. And he’s offering me everything I wanted back when we were together. The whole reason I ended things with him was because he didn’t want kids. And now…well, I guess he does.”
“Do you want to get back together with him?” I ask carefully as I ignore the nerves currently lighting up my chest.
I literally just realized I’m falling for this girl and decided it was safer not to tell her because I don’t know how she feels. We keep saying this is just casual.
What if I missed my window?
“I don’t know what I want,” she mutters as she stares down at the counter. Her eyes won’t meet mine, and I’m pretty sure that’s my answer. She wants to get back together with the loser.
Maybe that’s not fair. Maybe he’s a perfectly nice guy. But if she ditches me for him, in my head…he’ll forever be a loser.
“What did Ellie say?” I ask since she just came from there and if I know her the way I think I do, surely she discussed this issue with her sister-in-law.
“She asked me the same thing you did and I gave her the same answer.” She finally glances up at me, and when her eyes connect with mine, I see the pain and indecision there. “I told him you and I were pretty serious.”
“Thank you,” I say softly. “Thanks for protecting what we’re doing. But I never intended to take anything away from you with this whole thing. You deserve to be happy. You deserve so much, and if you want to be with him…” I trail off.
Don’t be with him.
Stay with me.
Give me time to work this out.
Give me time to gain the courage to admit how I feel. I’ve never done it before, and I don’t know how it works.
Give me time to stick this out…because I’m afraid this first little bump in the road will only cause a divide between us and the things that were in our grasp will just fall away with the sunset.
“He wants to take me to dinner,” she says softly. “He’s in town until Sunday, and I didn’t know if it’s okay to do that given our…situation.”
“If you want to go to dinner with him, go to dinner with him.” But please don’t go to dinner with him.
I wish I could make myself say those words.
They won’t form on my tongue, though. Instead, the thoughts I had just last night that I don’t want to leave anything on the table when it comes to her seem to flutter away in the breeze as a different sort of feeling takes over.
I don’t want to take a chance away—her future away—from her. I don’t know what he’s offering her. If she wants to explore things with him, I don’t want to stand in her way…not when I’m so unsure of what I could really offer her.
Not if he’s the right one for her.
I wish it could be me…but I’m just not sure it is.