CHAPTER 15 KAYLEE
I’m a little nervous and I don’t even know why. My mom, Ben’s dad, and Ellie already know what I’m about to say.
It’s Jack. I’m always most worried about his reaction. While I grew up closer to Luke, I always looked to Jack as a compass in responding to situations. He always keeps his cool, but I find his judgment of situations is typically spot-on. He’s a lot like our dad was in that way.
But this time, he’s doubly invested in what we’re doing. It’s not just his little sister, it’s his little sister and his best friend, and his best friend is sweeping his little sister away to a remote location.
Granted they still don’t know the truth about us, but if I’m this nervous to tell them about leaving a few weeks early on our trip, I can’t even imagine what telling them the truth about us might be like.
I glance at Ben, and he offers a smile. He keeps shooting me these little looks, and I feel like it’s his way of telling me to just say it already.
He also winked at me once, and usually that means he wants sex…
so I’m debating whether to just take him upstairs and have a quickie to work out the nerves I’m feeling or if I should just say the words and get them over with.
I opt for the second choice. We can do the first one later. “Ben and I are leaving for Montana tomorrow morning,” I blurt when there’s a break in conversation.
There. That felt good. It’s out in the open now.
Everyone glances around the table, but I stare at Jack as I await his reaction.
“Yeah, we know,” Jack says. “Mom told me on the way over here.”
I glance at my mom, who shrugs innocently.
“Are you driving?” he asks Ben.
Ben nods. “Taking the Scout.”
Jack rolls his eyes. “Just try not to drive like an asshole with my sister in the car.”
“Yes, Father,” Ben says.
Jeb gives Ben a look that plainly says what the hell, and I giggle as I start to relax.
“You’re one to talk,” I say to Jack, and everyone else joins in on the teasing. Jack drives like a bat out of hell unless JJ is in the car—in which case suddenly he drives a little more responsibly.
I made that a much bigger deal than it needed to be.
“And you,” Jack says, pointing across the table at me. I can’t help a little shudder as I wait for whatever warning he’s about to issue. “I heard you’re taking over for Kate at PCPR.”
I nod. “Ellie said I could work on the road, and I already got started on some stuff today.”
“If you have any questions about anything at all, you’re always welcome to ask,” Kate says.
“I appreciate that,” I say, and at the same time, Jack says, “Kate has some news of her own she’d like to share.”
All eyes turn toward Kate. Is she pregnant? Oh my God, I bet she’s pregnant.
She clears her throat. “I bought an interior design firm. The family I used to nanny for owned a business out here, and when they moved to the northeast, she stopped serving her Vegas clients. It’s mine now.”
Jack nods proudly as he wraps his arm around her shoulder.
“She already has tons of clients who want to work with her, and she’ll also be leading the design studio for Dalton Developments.
She’s building a design business with many different facets to it and I couldn’t be more proud of how hard she’s worked to make this happen. ”
He leans in to press a kiss to her cheek, and JJ chimes in at the perfect moment. “Ewww!”
Laughter sounds around the table, and as warmth fills the air, it’s moments like this I want to hold onto forever.
I know it won’t last forever.
I know I need to cherish what I have while I have it.
It’s hard for me to do that when part of my personality is being future-forward.
I’ve always thought about the next step, but it feels like ever since my dad passed, that future has gotten cloudier and cloudier.
It’s like I only have short sighted vision now and I can only plan a few days or weeks at a time.
I don’t know if Ben is in my long-term future.
I don’t know if Montana is in my long-term future.
I don’t know what career is in my long-term future.
And given my nature to plan, all the unknowns make it incredibly difficult to just live in the moment and enjoy the present.
I find myself withdrawing from the conversation a little, focusing down on my plate rather than on the people around me.
I want to be enjoying this more, but all these thoughts keep pressing down on me.
I’m finally at a point in my life where I can do whatever the hell I want to do, where I don’t have to keep living in everybody else’s shadows, where I can be selfish…
and I find I don’t have any of the answers.
Heat presses behind my eyes, and as dinner ends and everybody starts clearing the table and moving toward the family room to watch the kids as they crawl around on the floor, I head upstairs for a minute to compose myself.
I’m standing in the guest bedroom—the room that’s supposed to be my bedroom here at Ben’s place—when he appears in the doorway.
“What’s wrong?” he asks quietly. He steps into the room and shuts the door behind him.
I lift a shoulder and the first tear splashes down onto my cheek.
He moves toward me and pulls me into his arms, and suddenly the axis shifts. I feel right again.
Only in his arms do I find the solace and peace I keep searching for. Only then does the fog lift and do things seem clear again.
“I don’t really know,” I admit. I draw in a deep breath as I try to ward off more tears. “It’s just…strange. I want to live in the moment and cherish it, but I find myself always thinking about how fleeting all this is.”
“How fleeting what is?” he asks, tightening his arms around me.
“You and me. The laughter in our kitchen. I keep thinking about what I’m doing now. I have no plan for the future, and I don’t know if it includes you or Montana or my career or where I’m going to live or just…everything.”
He nods. “I get it. I don’t know what my future holds, either.
I hope you are there, but I know we have different visions for the next step.
I want football to be in my future, but I know I don’t have a lot of time left on the field.
My entire life has been the game for two decades.
So what does that leave me when it’s all over?
The gym…yeah. It’s something to hold onto, I guess.
But if we spend all our time now worrying about what comes next, we miss what’s right in front of us. ”
I pull back and look up at him, surprised that we’re both having so many of the same feelings even though we’re in very different places in our lives. Maybe we’re more alike than I realized.
As our eyes connect, it’s like we have some sort of silent conversation. I lean up on my tiptoes and press a kiss to his mouth, and he hesitates as if he’s trying to decide what the proper course of action here is. I’m not going to make him guess.
“I want you to fuck me,” I say.
“Now?” he asks.
I answer my pressing my lips to his mouth and running my hand over his cock as it starts growing harder for me. “Yeah,” I say, dragging my lips to his neck. “Now.”
He turns us so fast I hardly know what’s happening as he slams me up against the door. Aggressive, lust-filled Ben might be my favorite Ben.
His mouth crashes back to mine as he works the button on my shorts, and then he shoves them down my legs along with my panties.
He unbuckles his belt as I step out of them, his mouth still hot and urgent on mine, and he pulls his cock out.
He picks me up and holds his hands under my ass, leaning me against the door as I hang on around his neck and he lets go to line himself up.
He pushes in, and it’s like I’m back home again.
Everything in the world is exactly right when Ben is inside me.
All those other thoughts and fears and worries melt away as pleasure takes the driver’s seat. He drives upward, controlling our speed with his hands under my ass, and I simply cling onto him as he does all the work.
His mouth claims mine as we move, and it never lasts as long as I want it to. He pushes me higher and higher as I edge closer to a climax, and when his thumb brushes against my clit, my body explodes into a frenzy of pleasure.
He grunts his way through my climax and then tips his head back as he falls into his own frenzied release.
When it’s all over and our bodies start to relax, we’re both panting. Still, though, he doesn’t pull out of me and he doesn’t let me go. He just continues to kiss me, like he doesn’t want the moment to be over, either.
But like all good things, it comes to an end.
We need to get back downstairs to our guests before they realize we’re missing.
Somehow, though, even though I’m still scared about what the future holds, I feel a little closer to him after what we just did.
We’re not so different…and maybe that’s the scariest thing of all.