CHAPTER 17 BEN
I want to blast some Nickelback to distract me from my own thoughts, but I also want to respect Kaylee’s musical preferences…which is another thing that just blasts me sideways. I never cared before what someone else might want to listen to.
Somehow the selfish side of me is starting to melt away as I think about someone else first.
It’s been a long ass time since I’ve done that, and I think that’s what made me want to tell her about the baby.
I named him Max in my head the day I found out about him, and whenever I think about him—which is often, sometimes daily still—that’s how I refer to him.
I wonder if Tatum had carried him to term whether I would’ve been a part of his life. I wonder when she would’ve told me the truth about him.
I wonder a lot of things, really.
Part of why I don’t enjoy getting together with my mother is that inevitably, I’ll see Tatum. And I hate digging into those old feelings of loss and pain.
But it felt important to let Kaylee in on that part of my past because it so strongly affects my vision of the future.
I’m glad we’re in the car so I didn’t have to figure out where to look as I told the entire story for the very first time.
Tatum hadn’t told anybody she was pregnant except for me. We were waiting for the twelve-week mark—only I didn’t know she’d already passed it. She was scrambling to figure out what to do while I was holding back a secret that I couldn’t wait to share with the world.
Only it wasn’t my secret to share.
I don’t even know who the other guy was. I never cared.
I told my parents that she’d been pregnant and lost the baby. I told them it was too hard on us and we’d broken up.
And I left it at that.
I never told my mom that her new best friend had cheated on me.
I never told my dad that I was made a fool of the same way he’d been. He didn’t need to relive the pain he felt when he found out what my mother had been doing behind his back.
And I never intended to get involved with anybody for longer than a few nights…not until my heart twisted and my chest ached one random night when I finally focused in on something that had been in front of me for so damn long.
“I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through,” she says softly, and her words don’t heal the old wounds, but I find that getting it off my chest has been cathartic. “Thank you for sharing it with me.”
She links her fingers through mine, and my shattered heart seems to mend into something resembling a whole again.
“Thank you for being the only person I’ve ever shared it with.”
Her head whips toward me in surprise. “The only person?”
I nod as I suck my bottom lip between my teeth. “Yep.”
“Not even Jeb?”
I shake my head. “Too many difficult memories of his own marriage there. I didn’t want to burden him.”
“Ben, it’s not a burden to talk about the things you’re going through with the people who care about you.”
I nod as I glance over at her, and I clutch her hand a little tighter. “I know that now,” I say softly. “I guess I’ve just gotten used to keeping my shit to myself.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Neither do you,” I point out.
She offers a sad smile. “I’m a pretty open book. My biggest fears are being forever seen as Jack and Luke’s little sister and not coming first in my relationships. So far you’ve proven to be my perfect match in almost every way.”
It’s my turn to offer a sad smile. I press my lips together as I squeeze her hand a little harder, the mood in the front seat suddenly incredibly somber. “I wish it could be in all the ways, Kaylee.”
She nods as her head turns out the passenger side window. “Me too.”
Silence descends on us.
“My biggest fear is change,” I say a full five minutes later.
She glances over at me in surprise. “Change?”
I lift a shoulder. “Yeah. I’ve been traded twice during my career, and it feels like everything is so goddamn fleeting.
You get tight with the guys in one place, but you don’t know that you’re going to maintain those friendships once you’re shipped off to a new land or maybe they’ll be shipped off first. Jack and I are a rare exception that we’ve stayed friends all these years. ”
“I get that. But then why the different women every night of the week?” she asks. “If you don’t like change…”
“That’s the thing about the different women.
They aren’t any different. They all want the same thing, they all do the same things.
Hell, most of them even look alike. There aren’t any expectations because I make it clear from the start what they’re getting from me.
But when you get attached to one person, that is when the opportunity for change comes along.
When someone swoops into your life and turns it all upside down and suddenly you’re giving them your house key and wanting to spend every waking moment with them.
” I mutter the last couple of sentences, and despite the somber mood, she lets out a laugh.
“You want to spend every waking moment with me?”
I shrug. No sense in beating around the bush, right? “And sleeping, if I’m being honest.”
She shakes her head. “Dangerous, Trouble.”
“I know, Peaches.”
Maybe one of the most dangerous things I’ve ever done.