CHAPTER 24 BEN
I should’ve known she’d invite Tatum. I don’t know why she’s so obsessed with the two of us being together, but it will never happen.
Seeing Tatum today only reminded me of how bad it got and how good I have it now.
But seeing Tatum today also reminded me how everything in life eventually comes to an end. It’s a dark, morbid thought, but it’s also facts.
She still loves me. At least that’s what she claimed the last time I saw her.
But you don’t do what she did to somebody you love.
You don’t cheat on them. You don’t lie about the paternity of the baby.
She doesn’t know what love is.
Sure, she went through the pain and the loss of losing a child, and yes, she had to do it alone since the cheating came to light at the same time.
But I had to go through it alone, too.
And on top of that, I had to live with the other lies she’d told.
All these thoughts swirl as I drive us back home.
I find myself unsure, and a lack of confidence has never been my problem.
But I’m unsure what to do about where I’m at with Kaylee.
I think even though neither of us wants to admit it, the end isn’t that far off.
We can continue to enjoy each other in the here and now, all through June, July, August, and September, but come the first of October… she has the option to walk away.
I can’t give her the things she wants, and so she will walk away.
I should protect myself from that. Just being armed with the knowledge isn’t enough.
And yet…I find myself wanting to be selfish. I want to luxuriate in what time we do have. I want to take advantage of everything she’s willing to give me while I can. It’ll give me experiences and memories to hold onto when the days get dark ahead—and make no mistake, they will get dark ahead.
Because if she doesn’t call it quits first because of the kid thing, I’m afraid I’ll do it first out of fear.
I wish we could find a way to make this work. I wish I could hold onto her forever because that’s the feeling she creates inside me…forever.
But Tatum is a very visible, tangible reminder that nothing lasts forever.
Especially relationships with women. If they don’t use, cheat, or run, they lie.
“Are you okay?” Kaylee asks, her voice breaking into my thoughts. Her voice is a balm to the torture inside, and it’s confusing to feel that way when I’ve allowed myself to feel the fresh slice of pain for so damn long.
“Fine,” I mutter, my eyes out on the road.
I know I’m distancing myself. I know I’m withdrawing.
But I’ve never done this shit before, and I don’t know how.
I don’t know how to categorize the hurt I still feel when I look at Tatum.
I still feel the loss. I still feel the stab of pain over what I thought my future would look like versus how it turned out.
Am I in a better place now?
That’s a dark and dangerous thought to have.
I’m better off without Tatum. I’ve enjoyed the last decade of my life even though the stab of loneliness sometimes hurts.
There should have been a little boy in that picture—one I could toss a football to.
One I could teach how to cook the way Gramma taught me.
The thought of Gramma gives me pause. She’s the one woman in my life who’s never done me dirty.
We’re only maybe a third of the way into the trip back home, and it’s still early. We’re out in the middle of nowhere, and I pull off the highway at the exit ramp. I drive down a road and cut off down a dirt path.
I just need a minute to think.
It’s too many thoughts swirling together, and I don’t like it.
“What are you doing?” Kaylee asks as I cut the engine and open my door.
“I just need a minute,” I mutter gruffly. I don’t mean to come off like a dick, but I know I am. I’m just…affected right now.
She gives me a minute.
But that’s all.
I’m leaning against the side of my bright-ass red Scout, staring out over some alfalfa fields when I hear her door open and close.
There’s no traffic here. There’s nobody around, especially not on this road that isn’t even a road.
She walks up directly in front of me. She’s got balls…I’ll give her that. She jabs a finger into my chest. “Talk to me. Do not shut me out.”
I stare beyond her into the field. “I hate seeing her. I hate that my mom pulls this sort of shit on me every time.”
“You don’t have to see her. You’re an adult and you have the option to protect yourself.”
“I know,” I mutter. And I do know that. Yet I have the familial sense of obligation.
Even my dad still reminds me to be sure to see her when I’m in town.
You can’t choose your family, but you can still choose to take care of them when you have the means to.
She’s not all bad. She did raise me, and she attended most of my games when I was growing up, provided whatever man of the week who held her attention didn’t have plans for her on game night. “But she’s my mom.”
She nods, and she moves in a little closer to me, wrapping her arms around my torso. I loop one arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry she does this to you.”
It’s not her fault, and I hate that she feels like she needs to apologize just to make me feel better.
She leans up and runs her fingertips along my jaw as I clench it, working it back and forth. I glance down at her, and clear blue eyes look back up at me.
Fuck, she’s pretty.
It’s another rush of emotion against the strange tide inside me right now.
My cock grows hard at how close she is to me. I feel the length of her body against mine, the warmth she provides, and I have the sudden urge to be inside her.
“Unbutton your jeans,” I say.
Her brows dip, but she does what she’s told.
“Good girl.” I move and push her up against the driver’s side door. “Stick your ass out for me.”
She does, and I pull out the monster and slam it into her.
I fuck her hard and rough against the side of my Scout, and somehow being with her in this way—even though it’s more aggressive than I’ve ever been with her before—is erasing some of the friction in my brain. The physical act helps to ease the emotional whirlwind all around me.
I finish first, and I get her off the rest of the way with my fingers. I zip up and nod toward the front seat, and she gets back in.
I glance over at her as I climb into the SUV, too, a small sense of guilt pinching my ribs. Her cheeks are flushed from being freshly fucked, but there’s something in her eyes that tells me even though she got hers, she isn’t happy about it.
I thought about taking her over to Gramma’s, but I think I’ll save that for another day. We already hung with Chevy, met some of the locals, and had a traumatic experience involving my mother and my ex-girlfriend. I think it’s time to just go home.
Silence engulfs the vehicle the entire ride back, and it’s not until we pull into the garage and I cut the engine that she opens her mouth. “Please don’t do that again.”
My brows dip as I look over at her. I see tears in her eyes, and I suddenly feel like shit—like I put them there, and I don’t really understand why. “What?” I ask.
“Don’t take your anger and aggression out on me.
I’m sorry you’re going through something you don’t want to let me in on, but you can’t just erase it by having sex.
I’m not every other woman you’ve fucked in the last decade, and I won’t let you use me like I am.
” She gets out of the truck and slams the door then heads toward the house and slams that door, too.
I sit in the car and stare at the closed door as I realize she’s right.
That’s exactly what I’ve done for the last decade.
I’ve used women to try to numb something that hurt me once before…and that doesn’t make me any better than the users, the cheaters, the runners, and the liars.