CHAPTER 10 KAYLEE
“I want to take it,” I say softly on Monday morning.
Ellie’s brows arch nearly off her forehead. “You do?”
I nod and blow out a breath. “I need to get out of here and preferably before Ben gets back to town.” Plus the generous paycheck isn’t exactly going to hurt.
She gives me a look of sympathy, and then she stands and walks around her desk.
She joins me on the couch and takes my hand in hers.
“You don’t have to go just because of him.
Your whole family is together for the first time.
You’ve got me, Luke, Jack, Kate. Your mom. Everybody is behind you here, Kay Kay.”
I squeeze her hand. “I know. And I love you guys. I don’t want to go, but I think maybe it’s the fresh start I need.”
“Who’s gonna help me with PCPR?” she cries dramatically, and I can’t help a soft chuckle.
“Maybe one of the other football wives. Or wait, I know—how about Mom?” I say.
Her eyes go round in horror, and my soft chuckle turns into an actual laugh.
“I’ll find somebody,” she mumbles.
“We knew it was temporary for me anyway. I can help transition the new person if you need me to.”
She smiles sadly at me. “I know you could, and I appreciate that. But I want you to go take this opportunity by the horns, you know? Grab on and immerse yourself. Enjoy the ride. And you know Jack and Kate will be around often since they have their place in San Diego. Luke and I will sneak down to visit, too. We’re not far. ”
“Thanks,” I mumble. I sort of just want this conversation to be over. I have to leave in a few minutes.
“I just don't want you to rush into a decision because of what you're going through.” Ellie eyes me with concern.
“Of course that's why,” I say. I leave out the bit about the appointment I have coming up in less than an hour. A confirmation appointment, they called it.
Confirming there's a life inside of me after the test came back positive at my doctor’s office.
It sure explains away the nausea I've been experiencing. It even makes sense that it all started around the time I missed a couple of pills just after the concussion.
I don't say any of that to Ellie. It's better this way. I am more than a little terrified to go through this alone, but this is what I've always wanted. I'm strong enough to handle it. I know I am.
And it’s not like I’ll be going through it forever alone.
I'll tell them when the time is right. Right now, I’m only seven weeks into this and a week fresh off a break-up.
They’ll want Ben to know, and this is all still so new in my head that I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to handle that yet.
Part of me wants to protect him from it.
On the one hand, I know it isn’t what he wants, and so I want it to be the type of thing he never has to know about.
The problem is that I don't know how likely that is regardless of it being my wish.
My family is too involved and too close to him.
He never wanted this, and while I know he'd be amazing as a dad to this baby, if it's something he never wanted, it's something he never has to have.
I hate that this is where I'm at, that this is a decision I’m making—and I know he should be involved in the decision. He should know his options. He should know what we did together even though it was my fault I missed taking my pill.
I hate that I'm in this position. But you know what I don't hate? Whatever's happening inside my body.
The moment the doctor made the suggestion that it was a possibility, I knew.
I don't know why I hadn't thought of it sooner because it makes so much sense now.
I guess it was easier to blame the concussion than to consider the real possibility that something was created from the love Ben and I shared.
I'll have to tell him someday. I know this, but I also know that he isn't just scared of being a father and all that goes with that. He isn't just scared of babies.
He’s scared of pregnancy. He’s scared of more loss. He was burned badly by an evil woman, and I can’t really blame him for shutting down that part of his life completely. Avoidance is easier than facing your issues.
Obviously.
It’s why I’m taking off for California at the first chance presented my way.
I don't even know if he realizes all that, but it became pretty clear to me after hearing his story that the root of his fear comes with pregnancy.
Maybe this is God’s funny way of giving me a final gift from him and maybe my funny way of giving a final gift right back is to bear this alone so he doesn't have to be scared. I'll be scared enough to cover us both anyway.
I’ll tell my family…eventually. It’s still early stages, anyway. There’s still a lot of risk.
And it’s not like anyone really has to know for at least a couple more months when I start to show.
By then the season will be underway and it’s not like Ben can hang at my place waiting to head out in the middle of the night to grab me mint chocolate chip ice cream or peanut butter pickles or whatever it is pregnant women crave.
I feel a little nauseous again just at the mere thought of peanut butter pickles.
“Earth to Kaylee,” Ellie teases. “Come in Kaylee.”
I snap to attention. “Sorry,” I mumble. “What were you saying?”
“Are you sure you're okay with all this?”
I shrug. “I need a fresh start. I feel like you of all people would understand that.”
She gives me a hopeful smile. Her fresh start brought her a marriage to my brother, my sweet nephew, and my sweet niece on the way.
Maybe my fresh start will yield the types of things I've always wanted. Maybe not. But staying here certainly won’t get me any closer, and this gives me a shot where I can just move forward instead of being stuck wallowing.
“Well, if you're absolutely sure, Carla from StrongFitKids said she'd love to have you start as soon as you can. Yesterday was her exact word.”
My eyes widen. Even though I've already resolved to doing this, it feels fast. Too fast.
But the sooner I get out of here, the better. “I’m in.”