CHAPTER 18 BEN
I bang on her front door. “Tatum!” I yell.
On the drive over, the primal need to protect Kaylee at all costs finally gave way to something else.
The truth.
Gramma was right. I’ve been allowing Tatum to run my life—to ruin my life—and I can’t allow it any longer.
Maybe I’ve been allowing her to run it from the sidelines even for the last decade.
She is, after all, the reason why I built an empire the way I did.
She’s a large part of the reason why I wanted to take on the persona of the party guy, the idiot who smashes beer cans on his head and who fucks a lot of women and who plays football like a goddamn baller.
Okay, that last one has nothing to do with her at all, but she was still there for many of the most important formative years leading up to the career I’ve had.
I wouldn’t still be with her today. If she’d have had the baby, eventually the truth would’ve come out, and knowing that kid and loving him only to find out he wasn’t mine would’ve been even worse than what actually happened.
But Gramma once said to me that I have to learn to love myself before I can really love somebody else, and I never really understood what she meant until I was driving from her house to Tatum’s.
I thought I loved myself. At the very least, I thought I accepted myself.
But I was dead wrong. I have enjoyed my lifestyle for a long time.
I like having money in the bank. I enjoyed the hell out of the women and the parties.
But it all felt empty, and when I went home alone and had only myself left… well, I got a dog.
When you don’t love yourself, you’re more likely to choose the paths that don’t lead to the healthiest choices—whether it’s mental, physical, sexual, or emotional.
I shut off the emotional side when Tatum’s betrayal became too much. I filled that void with women and alcohol.
But when I found someone who managed to fall in love with me for me—not for the party animal or the football player or the money or the fame—I saw a different side to myself.
I saw a decent human being hiding under the facade. I waded through the selfishness and the fear that pushed me to act the way I did to find someone new.
I saw a guy who wants to make a positive impact on the world, a guy who is passionate about football but also about helping others achieve their fitness goals, a guy who values his privacy despite allowing the press to project how they see my life to the public.
I saw a guy who loves animals and has a deeper side to him than I’ve allowed few others to see—a side I’ve really only shown to Kaylee, my dad, and my grandmother.
I saw a guy who loves his career but knows it’s ending within the next few years, a guy who needs to formulate the random ideas into a plan for what comes next, a guy who works hard and plays hard and can find a way to do both in balance with one another.
I saw a guy who wants to please his bosses despite the attitude I sometimes carry, a guy who wants to impress other people with his skills and abilities.
I saw a guy who fell in love, and then I watched as that guy did what he thought was the right thing to do at the time when he was backed into a corner.
I saw a different man when I was with Kaylee because I was different with her.
I cared about her more than myself—and I still do.
I loved her harder than I’ve ever loved anybody.
I became someone who was invested in a relationship despite the obstacles and the potential damage to the reputation and brand I’ve built.
I was a man who could make her laugh, who took care of her needs, who ensured she was smiling every single day.
I became the man I always wanted to be, and I didn’t even realize it.
I became someone I respected. Someone I liked. Someone real instead of the persona I’ve carried around with me for the last decade.
And all those realizations in the car on the way to Tatum’s place are how I went from my nice goodbye with my grandmother to whatever this is.
It ain’t pretty.
Anger boils my blood that I even have to be here confronting her. Again. I wish she’d just leave me the fuck alone, but somehow even a decade later, I’m still paying for allowing her into my life.
“Finally you’ve come to your senses,” she says as she tosses open the door.
I force a calmness over me as I draw in a deep breath. It’s what Kaylee would expect of me in this situation. “Yeah, I really have.”
“Come on in.” She opens the door wider and I stalk through it. I stop in the middle of the hall, and I get the feeling her delusions have allowed her to believe we have a shot in hell of getting back together. “So are you here to tell me you want me back?”
I snort.
I can’t help it.
“Uh, no.”
She raises a brow. “Guess Kitty Cat will be excited to get that box in the mail, then.”
“Oh, Craig-o already admitted to sending it to her.”
She lets out a little gasp that she’s been caught.
“Question for you. How long have you been sleeping with the guy who was supposed to be my best friend?”
Her eyes widen, but I continue before she gets the chance to respond.
“Was it recent, like the last few months? Or was it a decade ago when you cheated on me and some random dude knocked you up?”
“I, uh…Ben—”
I hold up a hand. “Save it. You both played me for a fool, and I will not allow it any longer. We never talked about who the guy was, did we? You lied and said it was some random guy. I always wondered, but I never asked. You let me hire him to manage my gym. You both double crossed me, and you can both go fuck yourselves.”
She looks around wildly for some answer. “But I still have the power,” she says, setting a hand on her hip. “I have the towel.”
“No, you have a towel in transit that means fuck squat. I can’t believe I was so goddamn stupid to let you run this shit show. You ruined my life, and you will pay for it.”
It’s because of her that I didn’t marry Kaylee, but I suppose that means it’s also because of her that I realized Kaylee deserves everything she wants out of her future rather than what she was planning to settle on with me.
And that’s the first time in my own head I didn’t say she deserves more than someone like me. We were good together, and it took a lot of talks with Gramma and even more self-contemplation for me to realize that we do deserve each other.
I want her to have everything she wants, and if that means kids…then maybe I want kids, too. Maybe it’s time to wake up and not be so goddamn scared.
Not every woman is like Tatum.
Kaylee proved more than once that she was different. When Dane stepped back into her life with promises for everything she ever wanted, she came to me. She talked to me. She was open and honest with me. And that was before we were serious.
I’m still scared. That didn’t change. I think I’ll always be scared because kids and marriage are big, terrifying things. Will I fuck it up? Of course. But can we still find a way back to each other?
I sure hope so.
“I’ve got Kitty’s number,” I say, “and if you think you can blackmail me with money…you’re stupider than I thought.
I have a little more in my account than whatever you put Craig up to stealing from my gym.
And I did call the police to open an investigation, so I really hope you covered your tracks. ”
She gasps again. “You can’t do this to me!”
“Oh, that’s so funny, because I think I just did.” I glare at her then head back toward her front door. I open it, and before I walk through it, I say, “Have fun in prison, darling. Fuck you, fuck Craig, and fuck this shit. Later.”
Goddamn, that felt good.
I head home, toss my perishables into a bag (along with two frozen casseroles that saint of a woman Gramma Jean sent with me), lock up the joint, and usher Buddy into the car for the long trip back home.
I don’t know if Kaylee will be there when I roll into town, but I hope she is.
As Gramma’s words swirl around my head, I can’t help but feel like if she’s there, maybe we can talk and figure out where we go from here.