CHAPTER 29 BEN
I almost skip out on dinner, but I think of my resolve yesterday to fight for what’s mine. The first step might be getting back into her family’s good graces.
My dad confirmed dinner is at Jack’s house this week, and I texted Jack to be sure it’s okay I show up. He said it was, yet I find myself nervous as I stand on the familiar front porch.
I’m about to face the family of the woman I hurt so badly that she skipped town.
That’s a scary thought.
I ring the bell, and Kate answers. She tilts her head and shoots me a look of sympathy before inviting me in and giving me a tight hug. “You doing okay?” she asks.
“Not really,” I say. I press my lips together.
“You want to talk about it?”
I chuckle. “Not really,” I repeat. I shift the attention off myself. “How’s the new design business?”
She grins. “It’s freaking amazing. Between acquiring the Van Astor company and starting in on the new development Jack’s company is building, it’s busy-busy.”
“That’s great.” I give her a smile, but it might come off a little hollow since I feel a little hollow being here without Kaylee.
She nods, and then she lowers her voice. “You know we’re all here. We’re all rooting for you.”
“I appreciate that.” And I do. I appreciate her words more than I can express.
“Jack told me about what Tatum did,” she says quietly. “Have you told Kaylee yet?”
I shake my head. “I want to do it in person, but with camp…there’s no time. Once the season starts, maybe I can skip town on a Monday morning or something.”
“Have you talked to her at all?” she asks.
“I sent a text apologizing, and her response was to post a picture with that fucking baseball player on Instagram.”
JJ picks that moment to run up to his stepmom, and he grabs onto her leg. She giggles before she reaches down to pick him up, and she presses a kiss to his cheek. “You think they’re together?” she asks me as she bounces JJ on her hip, the conversation naturally continuing despite the interruption.
I can’t help but keep my eyes on JJ as I respond. He looks exactly like Jack. There’s no denying the familial connection there. “They’re sure making it look that way,” I say.
Something shifts in my chest, and it feels like something big.
I’m not sure what it is quite yet, but I have the sudden urge to see what Kaylee would look like in this miniature form…
what I would look like. What our children together would look like.
What it would feel like to hold a little creature in my arms that was created from the bond I shared with his or her mother.
I’ve never felt that way before.
Not once in my life. Not even when Tatum was pregnant.
And it’s fucking terrifying.
Kate invites me in, and everyone’s standing around the kitchen as Jack gets drinks. Kate finishes up the final touches on the meal after handing JJ off to his father, and part of me has the strange urge to hold him.
I never hold kids.
I back away, and usually pretty quickly.
I’m okay with older kids—ones I can coach in a sport, or the ones old enough to join some of the programs at Tight Fit, but I’ve never really been partial to anyone under the age of five. Babies in general scare the shit out of me.
But suddenly, I find myself in a strange position. I think, for the very first time in my life…I think I might actually want one of those.
It’s such a foreign concept that I can’t even wrap my head around it, yet it’s there.
Maybe because it’s the only thing stopping me from going after Kaylee and finding a way to win her back out of the baseball player’s arms. But I don’t think that’s the only reason.
It’s not just because my playing days are limited, though they are.
It’s not just because I don’t want my family line to end with me, though I don’t.
It’s this strange sensation pulsing within me, a fresh new need I’ve never experienced before. A desire to change my life in new and exciting ways, to take a new avenue I never planned to go down. A primal, paternal urge I’ve never felt before.
I just don’t know what to do about it. As I just told Kate…I’m not sure I can do anything about it at all until the regular season starts. We only have three more exhibition games, and then I’ll be back into the routine of having Tuesdays off along with no practice on Mondays if we win.
So for now, I have to settle for trying to get back into her family’s good graces…and maybe letting her know that I’m thinking about her.
She’s all I’m thinking about.
“Nice of you to show up, Olson,” Jack teases me, and it sort of breaks the ice.
“Are you doing okay?” Carol asks from where she stands next to my father, and she moves across the room to give me a hug.
It’s the most motherly hug I think I’ve ever had, even more than from my own mother, and I can’t express how much I appreciate it given the fact that I hurt her daughter the way I did.
I shrug. “Hanging in there.” I don’t want to get into the details here with them. That’s not why I came tonight.
“I think Kay’s doing about the same,” she says softly. “Have you spoken to her?”
I shake my head. “You?”
She shakes her head, too. “Just once or twice since she’s been gone. She’s a stubborn girl.”
I snort. “Tell me about it.”
That garners a laugh around the room, further breaking the ice.
We head toward the dining room, and I can’t help the ache in my chest at Kaylee’s empty seat.
I remember the first time we crossed the line from friends into something more when I finger banged her right under the table with everyone sitting in seats nearby, and the thought causes my heart to crack a little further.
The rest of the group moves onto chatter about the kids, which is fine by me. I’d rather not have the attention on me right now anyway, but I appreciate just being here. It’s warm, and it’s friendly despite everything, and these people accept me for who I am, faults and all.
That is family. And this is one I want to be a part of.
Forever.