Novella “Novi” Hart
The paper beneath me crinkled every time I moved, but I couldn’t stop shifting on the exam table.
I’d thought I was ready for this appointment. But I wasn’t.
The doctor stood between my knees with her gloves on, explaining what she needed to check, but I barely heard her. My eyes stayed on the empty chair near the wall.
Kash should’ve been sitting there. He should’ve been asking too many questions, acting like he understood everything, then looking at me for confirmation. He should’ve been complaining about how long they had us waiting.
Instead, the chair held my purse.
A tear slid out of the corner of my eye and into my hair.
“You may feel some pressure,” the doctor warned.
My breath caught, and another tear followed.
She paused. “Are you in pain?”
I shook my head.
“Do you need me to stop?”
“No.” My voice broke. “I’m sorry. You can keep going.”
She tried, but my tears came faster.
I covered my face with both hands, embarrassed that I couldn’t pull myself together. This was supposed to be about my baby. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to hear that everything was fine and receive a picture to leave at Kash’s grave.
“I can’t do this without him,” I cried.
The doctor removed her gloves and rolled her stool closer.
“Who’s him?” she asked gently.
“My baby’s father.”
She waited.
“He died.”
Her face softened with sympathy. “I’m so sorry.”
I wiped my face, but the tears wouldn’t stop. “He was supposed to be here. We were supposed to do all of this together.”
She placed a box of tissues beside me. “You don’t have to apologize for grieving.”
“I can’t even get through an exam.”
“You showed up. That matters.”
I stared at the ceiling while trying to breathe through the pain in my throat. “He didn’t even know I was pregnant. I didn’t get to tell him.”
The doctor rested her hand on my arm. “That’s a heavy thing to carry.”
“I keep thinking about how happy he would’ve been.”
My voice disappeared beneath another sob.
She stayed beside me instead of rushing to finish. “We can take a break. There’s no schedule more important than what you need right now.”
I turned my head toward the empty chair again.
Kash wasn’t coming through that door. He’d never hold my hand during an ultrasound or argue over baby names with me. He’d never see our child’s face.
I pressed my palm against my stomach. “I want this baby. I just don’t know how to be happy without feeling guilty that he isn’t here.”
“You don’t have to choose between loving your baby and missing him,” the doctor told me. “You can do both.”
I closed my eyes and cried harder, giving myself permission to be excited and broken at the same time.
I walked toward the lobby with my ultrasound pictures folded inside the paperwork clutched in my hand.
Prodigy stood as soon as he saw me. He’d come to my first prenatal appointment because he didn’t want me to be alone. I appreciated that more than I’d been able to tell him. But he’d stayed in the waiting area to give me privacy.
His eyes searched my face as he approached. “You okay?”
“No.”
When he struggled to find something to say, I told him, “Talk about something else.”
“A’ight.”
His hand rested against my back while he guided me out of the clinic. “I’m going to Michigan in a few days.”
I forced a proud smile. “You decided to go see your father?”
“I’ve been sitting on it for a few days, kept staring at that picture of him.” He pulled his keys from his pocket as we approached the elevator. “I’m tired of wondering. I need to hear the truth from him.”
My heart went out to him. Prodigy had shown up for me through the worst part of my life without expecting anything in return.
He checked on the baby even though it wasn’t his responsibility.
He listened when I wanted to talk about Kash and never acted irritated when grief pulled me away from a good moment.
He was so soft for a street nigga. The people who feared him probably wouldn’t recognize the man who sat in an OB/GYN waiting room for over an hour because he refused to let a pregnant woman grieve alone.
“I hope you get whatever you need from him,” I told him as the elevator arrived.
We took the elevator down in silence, since there were other people on it. The elevator arrived to the lobby, after making a stop on the second floor. Prodigy guided me off with a hand at the small of my back, and I felt guilty for enjoying his touch.
“You think I’m doing the right thing?” he asked as we crossed the hospital lobby toward the sliding doors.
“I think you deserve answers. I hope the truth helps you move forward, whether your father is part of your life afterward or not.”
The humidity outside struck my face. It gave me something else to focus on besides the empty chair in that exam room and all the things Kash would never get to see.
Prodigy walked beside me toward the parking garage. We reached his truck, and he opened my door before walking around to the driver’s side.
Once he was behind the wheel, I turned toward him. Prodigy started the engine, but he watched me instead of backing out of the space.
“You’re a good man,” I told him. “You’ve spent all this time wondering why he left, but his reasons don’t change the person you became without him. Whatever he tells you, don’t let it make you question that.”
His eyes held mine. There was an attraction between us that had grown beyond curiosity. It lived in every lingering stare, every touch that lasted too long, and every conversation that made us forget why neither of us was ready to want somebody new.
His gaze dropped to my mouth before returning to my eyes, and mine did the same. The air inside the truck became too personal, filled with everything we’d avoided since the night we almost kissed.
Prodigy put the truck in reverse, with his eyes still on mine. He kept looking at me for one second too long and nearly backed into the car behind us.
“Prodigy!”
He slammed on the brakes and looked over his shoulder. “Damn.”
I covered my mouth, laughing for the first time since entering the doctor’s office.
He pulled forward, shaking his head, and a smile broke across his face before he backed out more carefully.
We left the garage and merged into traffic.
“I appreciate you,” he said after a while. “For real.”
I turned toward him, listening.
“I be needing these talks. I can’t bring everything to Vega and Wise. Them niggas care, but I gotta get through jokes before we get to the real conversation. With you, I can just say it.”
“I like talking to you too.”
I turned my head, looking out of the passenger window, so he wouldn’t see me blushing.
I hated that I’d met him during this part of my life.
I was grieving the man I’d believed I would build a future with.
Some days I missed Kash so much that I couldn’t see beyond the pain.
Other days, I could see Prodigy clearly, and that scared me more.
But he wasn’t free either. Part of him remained attached to Arielle.
At one point, Prodigy and I might’ve been able to sleep together and pretend it meant nothing.
We couldn’t do that now. We’d become real friends.
We knew too much about each other’s pain to reduce what was growing between us to sex.
It could’ve become something beautiful if we weren’t both in love with people we couldn’t fully have.
I couldn’t build a future with him while unfinished history still controlled so much of his heart. Prodigy couldn’t build one with me while I was carrying Kash’s baby and still waking up in tears over him.
Neither of us was whole enough to move on. Still, every conversation brought us closer. Every meal, every visit, and every moment of silence made the space between us smaller.