CHAPTER 6 ALEXIS
The way I see it, we have two options.
We can lean on each other for support, or we can let this tear us apart.
I know Danny has trust issues, and I don’t blame him after the things he’s been through—the things he’s seen.
But I also get the very real sense that he not only understands why I have to do this, but he trusts me because he believes in us.
And I like to think I had a part in helping him believe in love the way he does now.
This thing with Brooks won’t last forever. Soon enough, we will figure out how we can move forward.
And so, after I’m done with my scene and return to my very own trailer, I’m thrilled beyond measure that Danny is sitting there on my couch waiting for me.
“Where are you staying?” he demands when I walk in.
“They’re putting us up at the Wynn.”
“You’re staying with me.”
I nod, as if there was ever a question. “I’ll let Gregory know.”
“He can stay at the Wynn. I’ll drop you off in the morning, and he can get you back to set.”
I laugh. We both know why he wants me with him and Gregory elsewhere, and I have exactly zero complaints about that.
I’m just glad he’s not running the other way. He could. Maybe he should, even. But I’m grateful he isn’t. I’m grateful he trusts in what we have enough to stick this out with me…whatever that might mean going forward.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and text Gregory. He’s on call while I’m on set all day since the film has its own security, and I’m done filming for the day, anyway.
“Ms. Bodega?” he answers.
“Hi Gregory. Danny is here with me, and he’s taking me back to his place tonight, so you can have the night off, okay?”
“Ma’am,” he says, and he inflects the end almost like a question. We’ve been together long enough that I know what he’s asking.
I hand the phone to Danny. “He’d like a word with you.”
“Hello?” Danny says after holding the phone up to his ear.
I don’t hear what Gregory says, but I hear Danny’s side of the conversation: “No, I don’t…yes, that would be fine…sure…okay, we’ll see you soon.”
“See you soon?” I ask as he ends the call. He hands the phone back to me.
“He made a good point that I wouldn’t be able to sneak you out to the car without getting caught, so he’s on his way to pick you up here. He’ll drop you at my house.”
I roll my eyes even though it’s probably better this way.
He pauses a beat like he wants to say something but then seems to let it go. “I’ll head out first, okay? I’ll see you over there.”
I squint at him and set a hand on my hip. “What were you going to say?”
He sighs, presses his lips together, and shakes his head a little. “I hate hiding, Lex, and I keep thinking it’s all we’re going to be doing. It’s not right.”
“I know it’s not, and I’m sorry. I just…I guess I don’t see another way out.”
He studies me for a few beats, and then he nods. “Find out what your dad is thinking first, okay? If he’s got a date in mind. Then we’ll figure something out.”
I nod. “Okay. I’ll talk to him tonight.”
“You don’t have to rush it. Wait until you’re back home.”
I consider his advice, but I already know I’ve made up my mind, and there’s little he can do to change it.
And that’s why as soon as I’m tucked safely in the back of the SUV Gregory is driving around Vegas this week, I dial up my father.
“How was the first day of filming on location in Vegas?” he answers.
“Great. I’m really finding my groove with the rest of the cast, and it feels like I was made to play this part,” I tell him.
“Wonderful.”
“How are you feeling?” I ask a little cautiously.
“Fine, fine.”
“Did you take your medicine today?” I press.
“Yes, my dear. I did. Now lay off your old man, will you?”
“Sorry, sorry. Listen, Dad, I need to ask you something,” I begin. I force my acting hat on and pretend like I’m not terrified to have this conversation.
“What is it?”
“Are you still thinking January for the wedding?” I rush the words before I can stop myself.
“Oh, honey, I don’t want you to worry about that. You just get through your location shoot and get back home to Los Angeles, and then we’ll talk about it.”
Something about the way he says it makes me uncomfortable…as if he’s keeping something from me. I decide to call him on it. “What aren’t you telling me?”
He sighs. “I wanted to wait and surprise you when you got back. I was able to move up the date at San Ysidro instead of the Peninsula, and I talked with Brian about your schedule. You’re off the fifteenth, and San Ysidro shifted another party to accommodate you, and, well…”
“The fifteenth?” I repeat.
“Yes.”
“Of December?”
“Yes.”
“As in…” I count quickly in my head. “As in nineteen days?”
“As in nineteen days,” he confirms.
“Dad, you can’t pull off a wedding in nineteen days.” I’m trying to be logical here, but clearly logic has flown the coop.
“Watch me,” he says a little thickly.
I guess the shorter the timeframe, the less people will know. But this doesn’t seem like an event he doesn’t want everyone to know about. I’m sure he’s already sold the exclusive first photos to People Magazine or whoever the highest bidder will be. I’m sure he’s already tipped off the paparazzi.
My chest feels tight, like my racing heart is trying to burst out of it.
My throat feels too big for my neck, like I’m choking on something.
I’m panicking. I know I’m panicking. It’s not my first panic attack, and I’m sure it won’t be my last.
Breathe, Carrie. Breathe. I’m right here.
My mom’s voice is faint, but it’s still there even after two decades, giving me the same reminder she did many years ago.
She coached me through my first panic attack.
I was eight, and my parents had gotten into a fight, and little eight-year-old Carrie was scared her parents were heading for divorce.
They weren’t—my parents loved each other very much, but as a kid, I neither knew nor appreciated that fact. I was just plain scared.
And that’s all this is. I’m scared to marry Brooks. I’m scared I’m going to lose what I’ve built with Danny when he’s the one I want to be with. I’m scared for my dad’s health. I’m scared of what’ll happen if I go through with the wedding. I’m scared of what’ll happen if I don’t.
Once again, I’m just plain scared.
Breathe, Carrie. Breathe. I’m right here.
I learned how to manage these episodes way back then.
Step one? Eliminate the trigger.
“I have to go.” I hang up on my dad, apathetic to the consequences.
I lean my head back on the seat and close my eyes as I try to focus on my breathing.
Step two? Breathe.
“You okay, ma’am?” Gregory asks from up front.
“Fine,” I lie.
Step three? Seek help.
I open my eyes and click call on the only contact I need right now.
“Lex?” Danny answers.
“My dad set a new date. The fifteenth.” I hear the panic in my own tone.
“Of…” he asks, trailing off.
“Next month. December. Nineteen days.”
“Fuck,” he mutters. “Are you okay?”
“No.” The word comes out as a sob.
“Jesus, Lex. I’m so sorry. We’ll figure this out, okay? I promise. Whatever you have to do, you won’t be alone. I’m right here.”
I’m right here.
I start to cry outright as the three words stab right into my heart.
Of course he’s here. He’s dependable. He’s incredible.
He’s mine.
And because of him, I’ve never felt so safe in my entire life.