CHAPTER 19 DANNY
It probably goes without saying, but we didn’t screw last night. We both lay awake staring at the ceiling instead, not exchanging a single word as we each found ourselves lost in our own thoughts.
She’s probably thinking over the words she voiced to me before: Is all this even worth it?
Or maybe she’s scared to be here—scared that her privacy will be violated again. Scared that we both will be violated again. I’m scared of that, too. I’m scared of what my father could do to us. I’m scared of what he’s holding over us.
I’m scared he’s going to spell the impending end for us, and the fear is so real and tangible that my stomach twists.
The thought that I should move sooner than later darts through my mind. Maybe I need some personal security, too—someone to keep assholes like my father out of my life and away from my front door.
And I, of course, allowed her words to turn over in my mind as they grew tentacles that latched onto every good feeling I have about us.
My dad ruined my life when he cheated on my mother. Was that not enough? He has to do it again?
According to him, though, I’m the one who ruined his life.
Clearly he’s held onto that grudge for the last twenty years, and now here we are, coming off a World Series win just a month ago as I embark on this secret affair with the woman beside me, one of the most powerful women in the world.
She deserves better than me, but I deserve better than the father I was born to.
I hate that it’s my fault we’re here.
I’m sure she’d tell me it isn’t my fault, that I’m not to blame, that I’m not anything like him.
Except…maybe I am.
As I lie awake, I’m searching for ways to ruin him. I could approach his wife and ruin his life…again. I could kick his ass with my bare fucking hands.
There are any number of approaches I could take, and as all the possibilities dart through my mind, I’m ultimately not sure which would cause the least amount of damage to the woman next to me.
And that’s my top priority here. I refuse to let this hurt her, which is why I told her about it in the first place.
I could tell Gregory. That’s certainly an option.
But I feel like I bought some time by paying off the first debt. I’m hopeful it’s enough to keep him off my back for a little while anyway, though I wouldn’t put it past him to show up at my door in the morning telling me it’s not enough.
As it turns out, that’s precisely what happens.
Alexis and I share a difficult goodbye as she tells me she’s catching a flight back to Los Angeles tonight.
“I’m visiting my mom next week, and she’ll be staying with my sister in Dana Point. I won’t be far. Maybe we can meet up.”
She nods and clings to me as we both feel the force of the impending separation. I don’t know what will change from now until the next time I see her.
Maybe things won’t work between us, and we won’t get to see each other before her wedding. What if she's married to someone else the next time I hold her in my arms?
The thought claws and tears at my heart. I’ve never felt pain like this, and as I press my lips to hers, I feel the sting of heat behind my own eyes as the fears start to push their way to the surface.
She heads out at six with a promise not to breathe a word about any of this to anyone, including Gregory, and the man who donated sperm to my mother in order to give me life shows up at my door around ten once again, like horrible fucking clockwork.
“Thanks for the payment,” he says as he stands on my front porch, looking like the goddamn rat he is.
“You’re welcome. Now get the fuck out.”
He offers one of those smiles that makes me feel sick to my stomach. “Thanks for the cash, but where’s the public show of how close we are now?”
“Fuck off with that shit. I will never do that.”
“Do you really want to test me? I’d be happy to release that tape.” He’s so casual about it, so uncaring, that it makes my skin crawl.
It also makes me wonder when this will ever end.
Maybe Alexis is right. Maybe we need to get Gregory involved. Or someone. I just have no idea who.
“I’m going to visit my mother and my nephews. Give me some time. I’ll be back next week, and we can talk then,” I mutter.
“Fifty-K more or I go to the media. And invite your father inside the damn house. Didn’t anybody ever teach you any manners?”
I laugh snidely. “Yeah. My mother told me not to talk to strangers and especially not to invite them into my home.”
“I’m not a stranger.” He pushes forcefully to get into my home, but I keep my foot braced behind the door.
“You’re not anybody I know, that’s for damn sure. Get the fuck out of here.”
“Cut the check first,” he demands.
“Fine.” I slam the door in his face and lock it for good measure, and then I head up to grab my phone because I don’t even have a fucking checkbook. I return to my front door and make the same wire transfer as yesterday as I show it to him. “Now leave me the fuck alone.”
“You have one week,” he says, and then he spins around to leave.
“I fucking hate you,” I say to his retreating back.
He doesn’t even flinch, and that’s when I realize the depth of the psychopath I’m dealing with here.