Chapter 22
CHAPTER 22
MICHAEL
I’d lost my fucking mind.
That was the only plausible reason I could come up with to explain why I’d just almost broken one of the most sacred rules as an Atlas less than five months short of my Ascension.
The worst part was that I hadn’t even attempted to stop her.
The right thing to do would have been to walk away. Hell, maybe even pretend I wasn’t home when I found out it was her knocking at my guest door. I’d been tossing and turning for hours, unable to sleep. Unable to rid my mind of her body writhing beneath me as I kissed her like I’d needed it for survival.
I’d thought keeping her closer would bring me closer to completing my Order. But unlike her father, Azara was untainted by greed. I’d turned every stone to find anything to leverage over her, only to come up empty-handed at every turn.
So I’d promised myself when I’d come home that I would iron-clad my self-control when it came to her and keep things strictly professional. No more forcing our schedules to align, or ending up in isolated rooms with just the two of us.
And I was usually excellent at controlling myself.
Excellent at smothering that incessant obsession I had with her that seemed to follow me around constantly.
And yet, when she showed up at my doorstep, and slammed her lips to mine, I’d simply lost my fucking mind. The desire for the imminent picture of her cunt swallowing the head of my cock had been so potent, any restraints I’d ever had had completely vanished.
I’d toyed with the line in the past but I’d never been this close. If it hadn’t been for her DECT phone interrupting us, I would have let her do whatever she’d wanted with me.
Whatever she was willing to give me, I was desperate for.
Desperate for it like I’d never craved anything more in my life before.
And fuck she tasted good. She’d tasted like mine .
If Azara had plagued my thoughts before, what had just transpired between us made her a permanent fixture in my mind and there was no eradicating her from there. The impression of her taste still lingered hours after she was gone and my cock was still painfully throbbing, in dire need of release that I didn’t indulge it in because I didn’t need more reasons to think about her.
She’d already been all I could think about as I’d followed her to work to make sure she got there safely—it was almost three in the morning when she’d left my place—and while I’d taken my second cold shower of the night.
Dawn had barely just broken the horizon when I walked back into my bedroom, a towel wrapped around my waist. I briefly glanced at the clock on my dresser to find out it was almost 5:00 a.m. and I’d just spent the last two hours under a glacial stream trying to dim any trace of her.
Not that it helped whatsoever.
I only had a few hours ahead of me before I’d have to get on with my day so I padded toward my walk-in closet to get changed and get a few hours of sleep when black lace flashed in my periphery.
I shook my head. Ignore it, Michael.
I knew better than to march over to my dresser where I’d left it earlier, but against my better judgment, I did the exact opposite of what I’d promised myself and unfortunately for me, the moment my palm closed around the fabric, I couldn’t resist. It was a shit idea, but right now the only thought that drowned everything else was the need for relief.
With one swift move, the previously fastened towel around my waist pooled at my feet. My skin instantly buzzed with memories of how Azara had felt under me, and the moment the fabric was wrapped around my cock, my earlier burning desire for her came crashing down over me.
Releasing a harsh breath, I closed my eyes and palmed the edge of the mahogany surface. Visions of her, mouth parted and her moans in my ears drowned out everything around me as I stroked my cock once.
Twice.
A minute of indulgence wouldn’t hurt.
Just one minute and surely it would get her out of my system.
But it didn’t.
This wasn’t the end.
And I had no idea what the fuck to do about it.
After a few hours of restless sleep, I’d begrudgingly dragged myself out of bed and got myself ready to meet my sister.
Every fiber of my being wanted to cancel our plans, but Alice was leaving tomorrow for Scotland to start her autumn term on Monday, and I hadn’t seen her in weeks. She’d spent the entire summer in Korea with our grandmother, as she did every other year, and I’d specifically taken this weekend off to be able to see her before she left.
Once I was dressed, I headed down to the lobby and found Mamadou waiting for me with a car ready, just as I’d requested last night when I came home from work. I could have easily taken one of my vehicles, but it was a Saturday afternoon and I didn’t want to deal with the headache of driving into the city.
He greeted me with a curt nod, and a suggestive look in his eyes as he held the door open for me, but I ignored it and climbed inside.
The lingering shame from my indulgence earlier this morning still clung to my skin, and I really didn’t need any reminders that my willpower had failed me. Again.
It wasn’t as if Mamadou was privy to my personal life or the rules I had to abide by, but the mere thought that he might suspect what I’d been up to last night made me want to bash my head into a wall.
Despite the torrential rain that fell the moment I stepped outside of my flat, traffic was surprisingly light and I made it to Azure with a few minutes to spare. Alice and I usually met at UMMA, but she’d insisted on coming here instead because she was craving their tarte tatin.
As soon as I walked into the renowned French bistro, the maitre d’ immediately recognized me since our family was well-known to the establishment. She grabbed my coat and umbrella, passing them to another staff member, before leading me to our usual reserved table, where my sister was already waiting.
“You look like absolute shit,” my sister said in greeting as she got up from her seat. Her brown hair was styled in her signature bob, her smooth olive skin tone a few shades darker than when I’d last seen her, making her hazel eyes that she’d gotten from our mother stand out even more.
“Jesus, what a way to say hello to your brother,” I replied, wrapping my arm around her shoulder to pull her into a hug and planting a kiss on top of her head.
Alice pulled back slightly, her eyes scanning my face. “You know what I mean, you look like you’ve been up all night.”
If only she knew. My sister and I were close, but I wasn’t about to tell her the reason why I’d barely slept last night. So instead, I shrugged, and tried to play it off as I slid into the seat across from her. “Just a late night at work.”
She raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. I knew she wouldn’t easily let it go, it was in her nature to be inquisitive, but before she could drill me with a plethora of questions, our assigned waiter came over and I was grateful for the brief distraction.
“So, how is halmeoni ? 1 doing?” I asked after we placed our orders, switching subjects. The faster I gave my sister something to talk about, the easier it would be for me to stay under the radar.
I’d only talked to her briefly over the phone since our family always kept her busy with a million things. Especially our grandmother. Despite her being almost ninety years old, there was no pause button when my sister visited.
Ever since our grandfather died a few years back, she took advantage of every moment with Alice. Our grandmother loved feeding Alice, claiming we didn’t eat “good enough” back in England, spent hours gardening in the giant backyard our halabeojji ? 2 had built for her, and dragged Alice around the city to meet our family. Which seemed to multiply every year even though most weren’t actually blood-related.
But as per my grandmother, everyone was family and it would be disrespectful not to visit. It was often tiring, but whatever she wanted, we indulged her in.
We were her only grandchildren and since Alice was a bonus one, she actually was treated as such.
I, on the other hand, got the Atlas treatment. Whenever I’d visited, it had been to learn how to effectively carry the Young’s legacy. My sister didn’t have to bother with the burden. I’d used to envy her, envy how much freedom she had to be whomever she wanted to be.
But after years of resenting my name, I’d learned to accept it because whether I liked my fate or not didn’t matter.
Alice began recounting all the details about her summer abroad as she devoured her main course while I picked at my plate, distracted. I usually inhaled the braised lamb risotto, but after taking a bite, everything tasted like cardboard.
And as much as I kept trying to listen to my sister, my thoughts kept drifting back to one person.
Why couldn’t I get her out of my head?
I’d never had an issue forgetting about a girl before. As a matter of fact, I never thought about a girl more than a few hours before she was long forgotten. My dating history wasn’t extensive with the whole no-relationship and no-sex rule I had to abide by, but I wasn’t totally innocent.
So what was it about Azara that I couldn’t scrub my mind of.
You know exactly why.
Before I could think too much about what that meant, I heard my name being called. I looked up to find Alice studying me with a hint of suspicion.
“Sorry, what were you saying?”
“What’s going on with you?” she asked, pointing her fork at me. “You’re acting strange.”
“It’s just been a long week at work,” I replied, but even I could hear the lies in my tone.
Although my sister and I had a twelve year age gap, she knew me better than most and could read me like an open-book. I was excellent at deceiving everyone else, but it seemed my sister was the only person immune to it.
“Don’t bullshit me,” she deadpanned. “Did something happen with Dad?”
I wished. At least then I’d know how to react to my predicament.
Only members of the House knew about it. Everyone else was just a means to an end. A clog in the machine to keep illusions and guarantee the Atlases remained intact.
My sister obviously knew about my strained relationship with my father, but only thought it was because I was his only son and responsibilities fell on my shoulders. Not because me successfully carrying out his legacy in the House was the only way to guarantee my survival.
On one hand I could lie to her and pretend I’d had another disagreement with my father. We clashed so often, it wouldn’t be completely out of character. But part of me wanted to just be an older brother and talk to my little sister about my life.
“It’s not Father,” I finally offered.
“Okay?” she said reluctantly. “Then what is it?”
What could I even say? Hey, there’s this girl I think I like but I can’t be with her because I’m a member of a notorious secret society that controls our country. I also can’t date anyone—emotionally or physically—until I Ascend into the House and they’ve been vetted by the Elders which Father is part of or I’ll be terminated (i.e. killed).
I tossed back my drink, hoping to buy myself a few minutes
This was a fucking bad idea. I should’ve just lied and told Alice I’d had another fight with our father. That would have been much easier than trying to tell her… what?… that I had a crush on my coworker? That I was so infatuated by her, she’d been all I could think about for almost a year.
That her presence was so intoxicating I’d almost broken an oath I’d kept for almost twenty years.
My empty tumbler landed on the clothed table with a soft thud. Our server, who had been standing a few feets away, glanced at our table and hurriedly moved toward us to refill my drink, but I gestured for him to stop.
I met my sister’s gaze and she interrupted me before I could even say anything. “Is this about a girl?” she asked, her eyes widening.
My silence must have been confirmation enough because her silverware clattered against her plate and her hand came up to flick my forearm.
“It is, isn’t it?” she shouted before realizing that people were looking at us. “Michael, spill now. My brother is in love with a girl and didn’t even tell me,” she added, her tone more hushed this time.
My brows knitted at her insinuation. “Wait, what? No. I mean, yes it is about a girl, but I’m not in love with her.”
Azara made me feel a lot of things, things I’d never felt before but I wasn’t in love with her. That would be ridiculous. I meant I barely really knew her and falling in love with her—or anyone—would be a much bigger complication than I was currently facing.
Alice cocked her head to the side, unconvinced. Yet, instead of arguing on the matter, she pushed her plate to the side, and rested her elbows on the table, propping her chin against her hands and settling on what she was really after.
“Tell me about her,” she said, excitement gleaming in her eyes.
I leaned against the back of my chair, hesitating. What should I say or where should I even start? My sister and I talked about almost everything, but I’d never shared about a girl before. Hell, I’d never wanted to because no one had ever consumed my attention the way Azara did.
“Her name’s Azara,” I finally said, settling on an easy answer.
“Okay, go on,” Alice prompted.
“We work together and she’s a stunningly brilliant surgeon, and, I, we…” I brushed my fingers against my brow, stumbling over my words.
Clearly, I wasn’t very good at this. Logically, it wasn’t that I was struggling to find things to say about her because I could spend hours describing Azara and how magnificent she was, but I wasn’t the most gifted at talking about feelings, especially when it came to mine.
I’d spent the first part of my life doing exactly as I was told and following a strict set of rules. Then, for a few years while I was in medical school, I did the exact opposite. But those years still weren’t really mine. I might have thought that I was finally doing something for me, doing what I wanted for a change but in reality, I was simply going against everything I’d been forced to abide by in order to anger my father and what I’d been born into.
My decisions were still dictated by someone else.
Which meant I’d never really let myself feel anything because I couldn’t afford attaching myself to anything or anyone. What was the point anyway when I’d have to abandon it for my duty?
“Wait, is this the mystery girl from the masquerade ball?” my sister asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I opened my mouth to answer her question, when what she’d just said registered. I narrowed my eyes at her knowing smile. “How do you know about that?”
I realized the answer to my question the moment she replied, “Amar.”
I was going to kill him. Why couldn’t he just mind his bloody business for once?
“Why is Amar texting you about my love life? Actually, scratch that. Why is he even texting you in the first place?”
A thousand thoughts raced through my mind. Did he…
Alice raised both hands in mock surrender. “Ew. Hold on. I know exactly where your mind just went, and it’s not like that. Now, don’t get me wrong, Amar’s fit , but I don’t do the whole ‘brooding artist’ thing.” She shuddered exaggeratedly, as if repulsed by the very thought.
My face contorted in repulsion. “You calling him hot just negated everything you said after that.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “Anyway. You weren’t answering his messages the night of the masquerade, so he reached out to make sure you were alright after you’d taken off so abruptly.”
After Azara had practically fled the ballroom, I couldn’t bring myself to engage in more idle chatter when all I could think of was the feel of her under my fingertips.
I shook the fleeting memory away, and raised a brow in mock offense. “So, instead of ensuring my safety, you two had a gossiping session?”
Alice scoffed, clearly unfazed. “Oh, stop being so melodramatic. You share your location with me, remember? Amar was proper surprised when I called to tell him you were at your flat. When I asked him why, he told me about this mystery girl..”
“You’re a pain in my arse, you know that?” Both of them were. My sister was one thing, but I’d deal with Amar and his blabbering mouth later.
“Please. You’d be utterly lost without me in your life.” She had a point. “Now, let’s go back to this Azara business. Tell me everything .”
I gave her a quick rundown of the last few months with Azara—leaving out this morning’s incident, of course.
“That’s lovely and all, but you haven’t mentioned anything that doesn’t revolve around the hospital. Well, except the time where you helped with her hypoglycemia, which, by the way, was very sweet of you. Didn’t think you had it in you to care for more than yourself,” she teased.
I raised a brow. “Should I start listing all the times I’ve had to look after you?”
Our parents traveled a lot, and had often left her in my care. Alice hadn’t been rebellious or bratty by any means, but her scattered nature and tendency to spontaneously jump head on into new hobbies sure kept me on my toes.
I still remember the time she begged me to enroll her into woodworking lessons after seeing a single picture of a bed frame on the web and decided she must have it. I told her we could buy it or commission it from an actual professional—our family had more money than would ever be necessary in a lifetime—but she’d insisted that she had to make it.
And whatever my sister wanted, she got. Even to this day.
“ Yes , but I’m your little sister. That’s in your job description.”
Another fair point.
I shrugged. “I haven’t really seen her outside of work.”
That was a lie, but the intricacies of Azara and I’s unusual relationship wasn’t a confession I was about to make.
“Are you telling me you’ve never taken her on a date?” Alice asked, outraged. “Young Seungwon, please tell me you’ve taken her somewhere, anywhere .”
“It’s complicated,” I tried to say but the words had barely left my mouth when she interrupted me.
“Complicated? Michael, what do you mean?” She was trying to keep her tone composed, but I’d evidently touched a nerve. “You clearly like this girl, what’s stopping you from pursuing her?”
“There are many reasons,” I started, trying to think of normal excuses people used since mine were far from it. “I’m her boss,” I finally said, thinking it was a sound reason before Alice gave me a look.
“Many people date their bosses. Besides, it’s not like you have actual power over her faith as a surgeon. You just do the scheduling.”
“Way to diminish what I do.”
“You know what I mean,” she said, brushing me off with her hand.
I tried to think of another lie, but after rummaging my brain for one, I finally settled on a truth.
I averted my gaze away. “I just can’t, Alice.”
There was a moment of silence before she finally spoke again.
“Is this about the arranged marriage?”
My brows cinched as I met her gaze again. “What?
“I overheard you and Dad talk in his office at Christmas two years ago,” she said quietly.
I knew exactly what she was referring to despite how much I’d prefer not to. My visits to my father’s office were never for leisure. They were always to discuss one thing.
My duty as his heir.
Being tied to the House by blood and allegiance wasn’t the only thing we were responsible for, carrying its legacy was just as important.
If not more.
My father had always been a step ahead when it came to my future and continuing the Young’s lineage was no exception. Which meant that after I was officially sworn into the House of Atlas, I’d need a wife and of course, the choice ultimately wouldn’t be mine.
Like everything else in my life seemed to be.
Arranged marriages weren’t uncommon in our society, and a mandatory requirement for an Atlas. Our wives were to be thoroughly vetted by the Elders before we were appointed one.
It wasn’t like I was oblivious to the fact, but I’d done my best to ignore that aspect of being an Atlas. I’d spent my entire life alone and would have much preferred continuing doing so.
It was just much easier that way.
I’d never pictured white picket fences or sharing my life with someone. Least of all having to keep up this veil of deceit with one more person.
“I know your relationship with Dad is different, but I’m sure he would understand,” Alice said when I remained silent. Her hand came to rest over my own and I met her gaze again.
Her eyes were filled with hope and I wished I could harbor the same.
Could Azara be different?
Yes , my subconscious answered unbidden.
Despite the short time we’d spent together, there was something about her that buried itself in me and refused to let go. The feeling was so foreign to me and I had other more pressing things to focus my attention on, but at every turn, there she was.
I’d never looked forward to much in the past. Although I loved my job, I dreaded most days. The constant pressure of delivering and having lives at stake at my fingertips became daunting over the years despite the thrill when everything worked perfectly.
Which was unfortunately not always the case.
Yet since I started at Amanar, I started looking forward to going in because I knew she’d be there. That I’d get to see her, even if it was just in passing.
She radiated this aura and whatever this thing between us was, it was more than just physical attraction. A part of me wanted to explore it and see where it could lead, but I couldn’t afford it.
Because then what would happen next?
“It’s complicated.”
“I think you’re the one making it complicated. You need to start putting what you want first. You have this tendency to always follow whatever Dad says and as much as I love him, he doesn’t have to dictate every aspect of your life.”
If only it was that easy.
I moved to change the subject because how could I explain that when every aspect of your life was planned before you were even born. But Alice held her hand up when I opened my mouth. My sister knew me too well, and sometimes it played against me.
“Before you switch gears, just hear me out. What if you tried? What if you explored this thing with her and saw where it led? What do you have to lose?”
The answers to her question were so loaded, I didn’t even know where to begin.
“Just give it some thoughts, yeah?” She squeezed my hand once. “You deserve to be happy, Michael,” she added, giving me a small smile.
“Yeah,” I replied quietly after a moment.
Although we both knew it wasn’t sincere, she didn’t press me further about Azara. I spent the remaining hour of our lunch listening to her talk, occasionally humming and nodding her along, but I barely registered much of what she said.
When Albert showed up an hour later to bring her home, we both said our goodbyes and I warned her to message me when she landed in Scotland. She’d be taking our family’s private jet this time at my father’s insistence, but it still made me feel better when she was the one notifying me of her arrival.
Albert offered to drop me off, but it was out of the way and Alice still needed to pack before her early flight tomorrow morning. It was her most dreaded task and she always waited until the last possible minute before doing it.
Once they left, I debated whether to call another car, but my mind was still whirling from the conversation with my sister. Instead I made my way toward the nearest station, hoping the chaos of a busy concorde would quiet my thoughts.
Rain was still falling in fat, heavy drops but I welcomed the rhythmic pelting against my skin despite the frigid temperature. But that only worked for a while. The moment I stepped inside the carriage, my sister’s words kept playing on a loop in my head the entire way home.
What if you tried?
What if you explored this thing with her and saw where it led?
What do you have to lose?
Just everything.
1 ? Grandmother (Korean)
2 ? Grandfather (Korean)