26. Kazia
26
KAZIA
T hat was… toxic, and I knew it. Feeding into their need to own me. To have me completely. It was wrong. They live in a different world, a world where the dark and sinful roamed free. A world where it was any old Monday to torture and kill someone. It was Saturday night dinner when they got physically assaulted by their Father. This was a world where they had everything and yet nothing at the same time. It was immoral, backward, not how I envisioned living my life…and yet I can't let them go.
I would rather go out guns blazing, saying a big fuck you to daddy dearest, and have my brains blown out, than go back to a world where I was all alone. To a place where no one wanted me, and everyone wanted to use me.
Standing in the shower, I let the steamy water roll down my body, tracing their touches. The evidence of our time together washed down the drain, but just like he said, a subtle feeling of them underneath my skin was ever-present. They marked me as theirs, and that made me shiver in excitement.
Playing the devil's advocate, I entertained what it would be like if I were able to escape. If I had the choice… I don't think I could go back to school. Dealing with asshole teachers and pretentious peers, then graduate and either start my own practice or work for someone else; it all led to the same place. I would sit in my comfy office chair, listening to someone droll on about how they’re unhappy in their life, riddled with anxiety because their dad pushed them too hard in sports when they were a kid. I couldn't do it, not anymore. Not with everything I knew about these three men.
I knew that, logically, a relationship with them—riddled with past trauma, mine and theirs—spelled out disaster. I was going to get mad at their controlling ways; they’re going to get mad at my need for independence. I had my moral compass to guide me, and they’re always going to challenge that because of how they’ve lived their lives. They would someday go too far, dirty their hands too much, and mine in the process. There were so many reasons that this wouldn't work, but the thought of being apart from these three men physically hurt my soul.
Somehow, someway, these men had dug in deep underneath my skin, slowly making me feel things—things I’d always said weren't worth it. Things that could only lead to pain… and they did, but the pain with them had this pleasurable edge that I craved.
When I think about living a life without these men, it’s like stepping into a vast abyss of nothingness, a barren, achy void that could never be filled. Reminding me of what life was like before. Lonely, cold nights staying up to study, the hollow feeling of being used for sex, and now I don't even have my mom to ground me. Could I live with that? Could I live knowing I gave up on the only men who made me feel seen, useful, and important? Men who were willing to kill their own father for me. Even if that man was the devil incarnate, it was still a big step.
Their need for me coiled around my body, vexingly unwavering, tethering me to them completely, but at some point, I started holding onto the rope, keeping them tethered to me.
Cezar poked his head into the shower, shocking the shit out of me. I screamed and my foot slipped. Falling backward, I was fully prepared to crack my head on the stone wall. A strong set of hands grabbed me, cushioning my head before impact.
I peered up to see Cezar above me, fully dressed, water dripping down his head, his whole body shaking. “M said not to worry, that everything was coming together. Hardships are to come, but it's nothing you can't weather, for now or in the future. S-she said you’ll have the crown if you choose to take it.” His head tilted back, water dripping down his face, those vivid green hues swirled back down at me in panic. “I don't care what she's talking about; just promise to take me with you. That's all I ask.”
Twining my fingers through his silky, wet strands, my lips tipping up. How could I ever leave this crazy psycho? Even with his hands stained with blood, his mind twisted in guilt and voices, he still only had me on his mind. He could have the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he would still put me first.
Cupping his face, I asked, knowing this could go either way, “Is M your mom?”
His face stilled, every muscle immovable as he stared right through me like he didn't even see me, couldn't see me. Lost in the midfield of his memories, trying to cover up the hard ones, but he didn't need to do that with me.
Tracing some of the tattoos on his neck with the pad of my fingers, I leaned forward, kissing him slowly and softly. His lips didn't move, and yet I kept going. Cupping his face as I took tender care to bring him back here to me.
It didn't take long for his soft lips to tremble, and I kept going. Soft and slow, careful. Putting all of my love into it. I wanted him to feel that I was here with him, that I saw him, and I was never going to leave.
His lips moved slowly like he was waking up from a dream. His hands slid up my body; his lips pressed into me with urgency. His tongue swiped out against the seam of my lips, asking for entry, and I opened right away with a moan, pressing my naked body into his. Reminding him that I was there for him.
A knock sounded at the door, “If you're not out in three minutes, we’re coming in. And I promise that you won’t be able to walk after.” Hearing Nicu’s threat, I rolled my eyes, chuckling against Cezar’s lips. He thought that was a threat. It was cute, but his words reminded me that this wasn't the time to confront Cezar about his past. If I lived past the next few days, we could talk about it then.
Cezar slumped against me, breathing hard with his head on my shoulder. “I’m this close to killing him.”
Kissing the side of his face, I chuckled. “Awe, I would miss my third husband.”
His head tipped up, eyes wide with hope—no longer that vacant, despondent look. “You’re finally going to admit we’re your husbands?”
Shrugging, I smiled, “Pending,” combing his hair back, “I still want-.”
“A Ring, a white dress, and a fucking piece of paper. I know. I know.”
“As long as you know,” was all I could say, and I meant it.
His smiling lips turned down, tipping his head to the side as he whispered yelled, “If you don’t shut the fuck up.”
Pushing my finger against his face, turning it towards me and asked, “What is Cal saying now?” He shook his head, looking down, and I almost laughed. Cal was starting to grow on me. “Come on, I promise I won’t get upset.”
He eyed me like he didn't believe it, then shrugged, keeping his eyes on mine, “He says that your tits look lickable, dripping wet like that.” Rolling my lips inward, I tried to keep myself from busting out laughing.
“Coming,” I yelled past Cezar, needing to get out of here before something started and we couldn’t lave. I heard a loud plopping sound, and I looked down to see Cezar’s shirt at the bottom of the tub. His whole chest was on display; all the black ink called to me, begging for me to touch and explore the canvas of his body.
Lifting my hand, I paused, giving Cezar enough time to try and coerce me. “You can stay here. I’ll throw a knife at the next one who comes in.”
All that did was remind me that we needed to talk to make up a game plan, and that was more important than exploring his body. I would have more time for that later… hopefully.
Kissing his cheek, I ducked under his arm and past the shower curtain, throwing the words over my shoulder. “We need to figure out what to do about your father.”
He puffed out, mumbling to himself before calling out behind the curtain, “Cal just said that you killed the vibe by bringing my daddy shit into this.” His voice changed when he switched to talking to himself, “Hey, fuck you, Cal, don’t talk to my wife!”
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Biting my lip, I knew that no matter how this played out, it was going to be even more trauma for these men. Killing your own father had to be up there on the trauma list.
“There’s no other way, Kazia. He’s going to try to marry you before the other heads come here in the next few days.” Nicu’s eyes narrowed, his arms crossed over his chest as he threw an accusing question my way. “Unless that's what you want? Do you want to marry our father?”
Bile rose from the back of my throat, and I gagged. Cezar stepped up next to me, “I don't care if she wants it; it's not happening.”
“No,” waving my hands up, still covering my mouth to make sure nothing actually came out, “No. I don't want to marry that vile, disgusting man, and you fucking know it!”
Taking in a few breaths, I stood straight and held my ground, trying to explain myself. “No matter how horrible a person's parents are, it’ll hurt you to plan and execute this.” Looking each of them in the eyes, I let them know how seriously I took this. “You'll never get over this. Once everything is done and your feelings have calmed down, you might end up resenting this…resenting me for this. I want to make sure this is really what you want to do. You can't go back.”
I meant every word, knowing that if they backed out now, it would probably mean my death. I’d hoped the bond we’d built would be strong enough, because I was serious about not marrying that man. I would rather die by my own hand.
Ion, leaning against the wall next to me, pushed off and faced me. “You may not believe us, may not trust us, but we’re not just doing this for you. We,” he looked at his brothers, who nodded back at him, “We've always known that it would either be him or us. He's obsessed with power, control, and ownership. He already complains about Nicu trying to take his spot, so this is an inevitable outcome. You just…,”
He reached for my hand, squeezing it. “You’re just the catalyst. Pushing us to do it now versus later.”
“Plus, we need to know.” Nicu came around his bed and stopped right in front of me, his hands balled into fists. “There is some reason it needs to be you, a reason that’s somehow connected to the treaty with the other crime families; it somehow gives him power. I think… I think that's why he wanted your mother originally. They also gave him a stipulation.”
Ion kept his hand in mine, his voice going hard. “We don't have to bring that up since it's not going to happen.”
“I'm not going to lie to her. She should always know everything…” Nicu tipped my chin up, “good or bad, right?”
His deep, dark pools swirled with regret, his jaw clenched, but his reasoning showed that he respected me and trusted me. “Yes. I want to know.”
They both exhaled before Nicu’s emotionless voice came out, “They want you to have his baby within the first year of marriage in order for the power to stay in his court.”
The walls felt like they were closing in on me; my stomach dropped, and my knees got weak. A baby? That meant that their father was planning to rape me. My mind went to what happened to Ion’s mom and knew he was more then capable of making that happen.
A sickening chill ran over my body, when a set of strong warm tattoo-covered arms circled my waist. Cezar’s voice came from right behind me. “That will never happen. We’ll kill him before he even tries.”
Leaning back into his warmth, clutching to Ion’s hand, I tried to borrow their strength to remind myself that I wasn't alone.
Nicu’s fingers ran through my hair, and I looked up at him. Determination was set. They all were. I needed to trust them. “What do you want to do?”
“We need to kill him tonight. I’m sure he’ll invite us all to dinner. He probably wants to pick at you and see how scared you’ve gotten after your outing with Cezar.”
My lips quivered at the thought, almost laughing out loud, but I knew what he wanted. Nicu wanted me to act afraid, and I could do that. It wasn’t even that much off base of how I was feeling now.
“He’s all about the theatrics, so he’ll probably be waiting for the big reveal at the end of dinner,” Ion surmised, his face pinched at the thought.
Nicu nodded, “My thought is, I’ll have my men on standby, waiting for a text from me to come in the service entrance through the kitchen; they’ll take out the four of my Father's men stationed around the room. This will give us the opportunity to take him off guard and then kill him.”
He lowered his forehead to mine, closing his eyes. “When you hear the men come from the kitchen, you duck under the table and stay there until one of us gets you. I don't want you catching a stray bullet.”
“I can do that.”
Chuckling at my response, he lifted up, looking at both brothers, “I don't want to take any chances, so as soon as you have a clean shot, take it because he’ll take his.”
This was incredibly risky; one of them was most likely going to get shot by their father, and I trembled at the thought. “Can’t we just… poison him or something?”
Cezar kissed my shoulder, tightening his arms around my waist. “He has been micro-dosing poison since he was a child and also forced us to do it too. One of the other crime families are poison masters. He said he would never allow the family name to perish in that way. It was to be a bloody show or nothing else.”
“Nicu,” Ion spoke up, “what do you think he meant by flying someone from America to verify her?”
Verify me? For what? Confused, I looked to Nicu for answers, but he stared back at me like he was trying to figure it out himself.
Cezar stiffened behind me, whispering out, “M says the chovihani must live, or else all is lost.”
Chovihani? Why does that word seem familiar? Didn't my mom's voice also mention that in one of my dreams? A warning flashed in my head, telling me this was important and that I needed to remember. Closing my eyes, I pictured my mom in the kitchen. I was at the counter doing school work, nodding along like I was listening, but I wasn't.
Thinking really hard, I tried to remember the words that she said. Think, Kazia, think. Faint whispers of her words danced on the edges of my mind, right out of reach.
Sound or smell. Thinking back to one of my elective classes on the human brain, I remembered the professor telling us about how to recall old memories by a sound or a smell.
Thinking about those old memories, I focused on the rumble of a bubbling pot boiling, the faint sounds of the wind chimes in the background. Her scent of jasmine mixed with the sage she always had in the house.
Keeping my eyes closed, I heard her voice, but it felt like I was underwater. I pushed myself closer to the memory, trying to pull out the words that I knew.
“I was wrong… training needed… in the blood… chovihani …”
A knock at the door pulled me out of my head. The guys huddled together, whispering, looking like evil villains plotting.
“He wants you all downstairs for dinner,” a sharp voice called from the door.
All three of them looked at me; their pinched, concerned faces gave them a menacing look, but I could read past that now. I could see how much they cared, and it didn't scare me anymore.
“I guess we’ll find out later about that, but now,” Nicu held out his arm for me, “We need to get ready for war.”
Stepping up next to him, I weaved my arm through his. “Are your men ready?”
Nicu shoved his phone back into his pocket. “Just texted them. They’re on their way.”
Facing the door, I nodded. “Then let's not keep him waiting.”
A chill ran down my spine. My whole body seized up, a flood of warnings washing over me. Something was wrong.
Nicu kept hold of me, steadying me, “You okay?”
I must be more nervous than I thought. Shoving down the anxiety, ignoring the pit of my stomach that said not to leave, I pushed forward. We didn't have time to waste on silly feelings like that. I needed to be strong, like these men.
“Let's go,” I sighed out. Mentally trying to build up my strength. I had until we got to the dining room; that should be enough.
Nicu opened the door, and three men in suits with face masks and shields stood at the entrance. “What the fuc-”
Smoke. All I could make out was a sickly sweet smoke that burned my nostrils, causing me to cover my mouth as I coughed. I knew it was too late when the world was spinning for a second; then, I was looking up at the ceiling. Nicu, right next to me, down on one knee, gritting his teeth, and my eyes fluttered.
A haze clouded my vision, and I closed my eyes. Someone grabbed my body, sliding me toward them. Cezar’s desperate voice followed. “I'll protect you, my roma.” His slurred words the last thing I remember.