Chapter 31
Charlie
“Kneeling…” I paused, unsure how to say it without sounding wrong.
“It’s not just posture. It’s quiet.” I glanced at Vincent, then back down.
“It’s the only time my head stops spinning.
I don’t have to think about where to stand, what to say, or how to breathe.
I just… kneel.” I swallowed hard. “It was expected at Lockswell. Required. But here, it feels different. You don’t demand it. You allow it.”
I shifted slightly, grounding myself.
“When I kneel for you, it’s not fear. It's a choice. And that’s why it feels safe.” I looked up, just for a second. “I marked it green because it’s the only thing that’s ever felt like mine.”
“Second item. Spanking,” he said.
I’d marked it green.
My stomach tightened. Not from fear. From confusion. Vincent didn’t sound judgmental. Just… curious. Careful.
He asked what it meant to me. Not what I’d been taught. What I actually felt. And I didn’t know how to answer.
“It was normal,” I said slowly. “Routine. At Lockswell, it wasn’t about punishment, it was about control.
I didn’t hate it. I didn’t like it. It just…
happened.” I looked down at my hands. “I marked it green because I didn’t flinch when I read it.
That felt like enough.” I paused. “But maybe it’s yellow. Maybe I don’t know yet.”
Vincent didn’t speak right away. And that silence—safe, patient—made it easier to breathe. Because I hadn’t been punished for uncertainty. I’d been heard.
“Changed to yellow. You can always change something to red and I won’t be upset at all. Personally, I don’t care much for it, but if my partner enjoys it, then I will too.”
He glanced down at the page again, then looked back at me. “Next item. Blindfolds.”
I felt my breath catch—not fear, just the memory of what that used to mean.
He didn’t push. Didn’t ask why I’d marked it green.
Just waited. That waiting made it easier to speak. Because this wasn’t about getting it right. It was about being honest. And I was starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, honesty wouldn’t hurt here.
I’d marked it green, but now I wasn’t sure why.
“It used to mean control,” I said slowly. “Being blindfolded meant I didn’t get to know what was coming. I wasn’t allowed to prepare. It was about power. Their power.”
I paused, fingers curling slightly against my thighs. “But it also meant I didn’t have to see their faces. Or the room. Or the things they used.”
I swallowed, forcing myself not to remember what they had done.
“Sometimes that made it easier.” I looked up at Vincent, just briefly.
“I marked it green because I thought maybe, with you, it could mean something else. Like trust. Like letting go without fear.” I wanted it to feel like the way I felt when I knelt at his feet.
“I don’t know if that’s real yet. But I want it to be. ”
“Blindfolds are a great toy, a tool, to be used when you have trust in me. I’ll keep it as green for now.”
Warmth filled me and he gave me a soft smile that reached his eyes. Vincent was pleased with me.
An Alpha had never been pleased with my truthfulness before.
Vincent’s voice was calm, deliberate. “We don’t have to use it in a scene,” he said.
“Not yet. Not at all, if you decide against it. We can start with something simple. You wear it while sitting beside me. No touch. No commands. Just stillness. If that feels okay, we try again—with my voice guiding you. Maybe I can describe the room. Maybe I can ask how you feel. You answer only if you want to.”
I stayed quiet, listening.
Vincent continued, “If at any point you want it off, you say red. Or take it off yourself. You’re in control of that.” He paused. “This isn’t about testing your limits. It’s about helping you find them. Safely. With me.”
Vincent looked at me again, as though he was checking in to make sure I wasn't being overwhelmed.
“Next item. Verbal humiliation.”
I’d marked it yellow. Unsure of it, yet intrigued to maybe give it a shot. Words had been yelled at me my entire life. Some days, they hurt more than others.
“It depended on the words,” I said quietly.
“Some things cut deep. Others just… slid past. At Lockswell, it was constant. Names. Comparisons. Degradation. I stopped reacting. I thought that meant I could handle it.” I paused, fingers curling slightly.
“But now, I don’t know what’s tolerable and what’s damaging. I don’t know what’s mine.”
“Changing to red. Right now, I’m not testing that one. Not until I know for a hundred percent that you won’t be harmed by what I say. Even then, I’m not sure I’d be comfortable saying such things to you.”
“Thank you, Sir.” I liked his views, knowing that he wouldn’t do some things just because I marked things wrong.
“Next, the leash and collar.”
I’d marked it green. But now, sitting here with him—safe, seen—I wasn’t sure why. I could still feel the cold metal around my throat, and on instinct, my hand went up to rub against the front of where the collar would lie. The texture of my skin was off, and the cut was healing.
“It was always used to control me,” I said quietly.
“To drag me. To display me. But I didn’t hate it.
Not the object. Just the way it was used.
” I looked up, just for a second. “With you, I thought maybe it could mean something else. Like belonging. Like safety. I marked it green because I want it to feel different. I want it to mean something good.”
Vincent didn’t speak right away. But he didn’t look away either.
“Interpreting perspective. What would that look like to you? Would it be something you’d want to do out in public or just something at home, between the two of us?”
My eyes widened. I couldn’t stop the reaction.
“Seeing things like that is normal.” I chose my words wisely.
“At Lockswell, yes. Not so much in the real world. But there are ways to do it where others don’t notice as much. Like having a leash wrapped around your wrist while we are at the store, and you are kept close. No one would think anything out of the ordinary was happening.”
“I’d like to have it yellow, to try it at least.” Like right now, I thought. It sounded like a way to serve Sir without having to kneel. But in front of Adrian, that wouldn’t feel like my space.
“Yellow it is. Next item, forced silence.”
My stomach tightened. I’d marked it red without any hesitation.
“No one ever cared if I spoke,” I said quietly.
“But when they did… they made sure I regretted it. Being told not to speak wasn’t about being quiet.
It was about erasure. Like I didn’t exist unless they wanted something.
” I felt my throat tighten. “I don’t want that here.
I don’t want to be silenced. Not even in play.
” I enjoyed being able to speak freely here, for the most part.
Vincent just nodded. “Agree one hundred percent. Orgasm control.”
I felt heat rise in my chest—not shame, just awareness. I’d marked it yellow. Not because I feared it. Because I didn’t know what it meant outside of punishment.
“At Lockswell, it was used to break us,” I said quietly. “To prove they owned our bodies. That pleasure wasn’t ours to keep.” I paused, grounding myself in the present. I wasn’t allowed to touch myself unless an Alpha said I could. “But I don’t think that’s what it means here. Not with you.”
I looked up, just for a second.
“I marked it yellow because I want to understand it. I want to know what it feels like when it’s about care. Not control.”
“Orgasm control isn’t about punishment here.
It’s about connection.” His voice was steady, like he’d rehearsed this, not for performance, but for precision.
“It can mean holding you at the edge, not to tease or torment, but to keep you present. To show you that your pleasure matters. That’s not something taken.
It’s something given, when you’re ready. ”
I felt my chest tighten in something closer to hope.
Vincent continued, “It can also mean permission. You ask. I say yes. Not because I own you—but because you trust me to guide you.” He paused, letting the words settle. “And if it ever feels like control in the wrong way, if it ever echoes what they did, it stops. No questions. No hesitation.”
I nodded slowly.
“I enjoy that the most out of a slave/master relationship. I like the thrill of knowing I can bring my partner pleasure.”
“I…the time I got to get off, it never felt good.” Shame filled me for an unwanted reason I couldn’t name. “It was always forced by the handlers, then the client. It was okay, but didn’t feel like it was the best thing.”
“Which is, again, normal.” Vincent’s gaze didn’t leave mine.
“If you haven’t noticed yet, I wasn't hard either time you kept me warm. It takes an emotional connection for that part of me to wake up, and even then, it doesn’t always work the way most do.
There’s so many other ways to bring pleasure to each other. ”
I hadn’t noticed, but it was a good fact to know about.
“Now, when I do have that connection with my partner, I like to make sure that they are taken care of first more often than not. My pleasure comes second.”
“What if I want it first?” I shocked myself with the question.
“Then be sure to tell me that and I’ll do my best to make it happen.”
Really? Was it that easy? Not that I was brave enough to ask for his pleasure to take over my own, because Alphas always got their fill first. Always.
“Unlike all those clients you had, I don’t want just sex from you. Or even at all. I just want you. Your thoughts, words, and actions.”
Was it possible to be killed with kindness?
“Alright, next item.” He cleared his throat and turned back to the page. “Corner time.”
I’d marked it green.
“It was common,” I said quietly. “At Lockswell, they used it to isolate us. To make us feel forgotten. Like we didn’t matter.” It was one of the better punishments. “But sometimes… it felt like relief. No eyes on me. No expectations. Just stillness.”
I looked up, just for a second. “It gave me time to think without distraction.”
“Not a punishment I’ve ever given a partner before, but that will stay green. Next, isolation.”
That was marked red. If I could have, I would have made it a bold and big as I could have.
“They kept us separate, a lot, after a certain age. Punishments were done in public areas sometimes, to warn others from making the same choice. But afterward, we were put into our room, alone. No one was to talk to us.
“I like being alone, but after a punishment, I never did. I hated it. It made me feel empty inside.”
“You’ll never be alone if you don’t want to be again. I promise that you’ll never be sent to bed right away after any type of punishment, or even reward, if you don’t want to. Although, let's say, we are both ready to have sex, and I send you to the bedroom to kneel on the floor and wait for me.”
“That’s not the same as being scolded.”
“No, it definitely isn’t.”
Vincent went one by one, talking through each item and hearing me out. Some I changed colors, others stayed the same. A couple of times, he wrote down notes on the side, just like I had.
But with it all, I felt lighter. I felt heard and seen.
He wasn’t mad at me for my answers. He didn’t yell. He explained everything, even the stuff I didn't know.
Just because I had done things with clients before, it didn’t mean I had to do it here. With each item, I realized that being in Vincent’s care wasn’t like Lockswell. Here, I would be taken care of. Here, I would be able to find joy.
And heck, maybe, just maybe, I’d find happiness.