Chapter 23
Twenty-Three
His kitten was not in a mood to play. She was distracted and ready to leave by the time they finished breakfast.
“My suite mates want to have a group meeting this afternoon. They want me to be there around noon.”
Rory folded his arms across his chest. He had planned to take her back on Sunday, but not first thing in the morning. And he didn’t care that her friends wanted to meet with her, even though he knew they had been collateral damage in the end-of-the-week drama.
“Don’t you think I should go?”
He knew she should, but he wanted to say no.
Just like he knew she should go to the family wedding her parents had been texting about, but since she hadn’t invited him to come, he didn’t want her going there either.
He wanted her within easy reach, which was usually what she wanted too.
But ever since he’d shut down discussion of the flogging he’d taken, she wasn’t the same.
He still didn’t want to cover that ground with her.
He didn’t want her to feel responsible for his taking a punishment.
On the other hand, cool and collected Kate was not his Kate. And he wanted his Kate back.
“Rory?”
“What?”
“Don’t you think I should go to the meeting?”
“Yeah, you should, and you should take them a gift. Something for the suite that they’d enjoy.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary. They didn’t do anything, other than open the door for you.”
“I told Maya not to call anyone and she didn’t. It would’ve been a mess if she had.”
Kate nodded. “I suppose so. I did scare them. Maybe an espresso machine? We’ve talked about getting one, but they’re kind of expensive.”
Rory rolled his eyes. Like he gave a fuck about the cost of an espresso machine.
Kate didn’t seem to realize that she could’ve ended up on a psych hold in the emergency room, and worse, she could’ve been involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital if they’d thought she was trying to kill herself with those pills.
Rory knew what could happen because one of his college friends had had a girlfriend who’d cut her wrists after failing an exam.
Kate’s suite would get a coffee machine, and it would be the most expensive one the store had.
Kate felt excessively blue, which she knew was unwarranted.
The other girls in the suite were satisfied that everything was okay with her and were delighted with the espresso machine.
She was convinced that the discussion was more limited than it might have been because one of the girls really wanted to make a round of cinnamon cappuccinos for everyone.
Kate had taken her coffee to her room so she could put everything away. The room was still in chaos from Rory’s search, and she winced to think of him going through her stuff under those circumstances.
By three thirty in the afternoon, she’d cleaned and organized the room and was studying French. She had not done well on that last exam and needed a great score on her conversation challenge and the final.
She was conjugating verbs in her head when the phone rang. She glanced at it and was happy to see that it was Rory. She wished she didn’t always miss him so much when she wasn’t with him.
“Hello,” she said.
“How did it go?”
“You’re very popular. I’m having a cinnamon cappuccino. Everyone is. I think I could’ve tried to burn down the dorm and it would’ve been glossed over once Selena saw you set down that box.”
“Glad they liked it. What are you doing?”
“Studying. Parlez-vous francais?”
“No.”
“Did you have to study a language at Princeton? We’re required to.”
“Think you could concentrate if you were at my place?”
She smiled. He was not one to be sidelined when there was obviously a purpose for the call. She loved, too, that he wanted her to come home.
Her smile faded. To his home, she added to herself. She lived in the dorm, not with him.
“I think so. I need to be back tomorrow. Besides class, we have our group meeting with our senior advisor. I can’t miss it.”
“You’ll be back tomorrow. Come down.”
“Now? Are you—didn’t you leave New Haven?”
“No. Come down.”
“Okay,” she said, hanging up and quickly repacking her bag. The girls in the common room gave her a look. “I’ll be back in the morning,” she promised, hurrying out.
When they were en route to his place, she talked idly about school and the weather, but often they lapsed into silence.
Finally, he said, “How long till you’re over it?”
“Over what?”
“The fact that I’m not getting into the details about my back.”
Never, she thought. She looked out the passenger window. “I know it’s not my place to press you for information or to expect that I’ll be everything you want indefinitely. I just thought maybe we’d be different and that it would go on for a long time without changing.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s okay,” she said, biting her lip, her eyes prickling with tears that immediately started to form.
He pulled off the road. “I want to hear everything you’re thinking. Right now.”
“It’ll make things worse. It’ll be better if I can just not think about it and pretend.”
He gripped her wrist, squeezing until she sucked in a little breath and looked at him. It wasn’t hard enough to leave a mark, but it definitely got her attention.
“You’re not gonna pull away, Kate. I won’t let you.”
“I need to, not far, just enough.”
“No.”
She tried to peal his fingers off her arm, but couldn’t. “You’re being so unfair!”
“No, I’m not. This is what we agreed to.” His voice was low and smooth, but there was something dangerous in his eyes. As much as she hated herself for it, that heat melted her.
“I need some air. Can you just—?” She struggled to pull her arm away.
“No.”
“Stop. I’m trying to protect myself.”
“No, you stop. Protecting you is my job.”
“Well, you’re not protecting me. You’re hurting me…or at least I’m hurting myself and you’re not helping me to stop.
“Explain that. Hurting yourself how?”
“Because you talked to me. You acted like that was unusual. Like I was special. But then you shared something with someone else and you shut me out. And I know that’s allowed.
I know you can do whatever you want with anyone you want, but if you got another kitten, I couldn’t stand it.
I don’t want to share you! I don’t want anyone to be closer to you than I am. Not ever!”
“Christ, Kate, you have got to learn to use that mouth of yours when you’re upset. All fucking day I’ve been on edge over nothing.”
“It’s not nothing to me!”
“Lower your voice. If you think I won’t take you out into that grass to punish you, you’re wrong.”
She settled back in her seat, feeling defeated.
“If I keep something back, baby, it’s not because I want to shut you out.
It’s because I’m protecting you. Shut you out?
You’re seriously accusing me of that? I keep you so fucking close the minute you’re not within reach the clock starts ticking.
When have I ever not come looking for you when you’re away from me? ”
“What about scenes with other girls? If you have them, I want to know. Not knowing is too hard.”
“Other subs are the farthest thing from my mind. If anything changes, we’ll talk about it.”
“You said I don’t own your body. You won’t tell me—”
“When I was in Austria, I thought you might be in trouble. Instead of sending someone to check on you, I flew home. I could’ve been too late.
If you needed someone, I wanted it to be me, so I took a chance that could’ve ended with me finding you dead.
That’s what I needed to make right with myself. ”
“You shouldn’t have had to feel that way. I wish you’d let me take a punishment, too. I have more to be sorry about than you.”
“You suffered more than enough when I left you alone.”
“Who did you get to do the scene with you?”
“Stop calling it a scene. I chose the spot and the implement. I chose the number of lashes. There was no conversation. I stood with my hands on the back of my neck, and Marianne doled out the stripes. Afterward, I said thanks and that I owed her a favor. I didn’t tell her what I was atoning for.
I didn’t tell her anything at all. No one was watching.
I wasn’t bound. There was no safeword. If I’d wanted to walk away, I could’ve, at any time.
It was the same as if I’d said my back itches between my shoulder blades where I can’t reach it. Scratch it for me. It wasn’t a scene.”
She nodded.
“There’s no one closer to me than you. There never has been.” He moved his grip and brought her wrist toward him. “That may bruise,” he said, frowning.
“Good,” she whispered.
“No, kitten, not good. I don’t want to leave marks where people may see them. No coffee maker will buy your roommates’ silence if they think I’m abusing you.”
“Fifty Shades of Grey is very mainstream now. I’d make them understand. They would think I’m a mess, but it wouldn’t interfere with us. I wouldn’t let it,” she said softly.
He thought it over a moment. “Maybe. So what’s up with the wedding?”
She blinked. It took her a moment to realize he’d changed gears completely.
“One of my aunts is getting married. I don’t think I should have to go.
It’s her second time, and people know I’m here at school.
I want to stay in town during my break, so I can be with you as much as possible.
But my parents really want me to go. They’re being stubborn about it. ”
“It’s family. You should go.”
“I’ll miss you so much,” she said.
“Then invite me to come. I can skip the reception if she didn’t give you a Plus One. I’ll hang out in a hotel and work from there. I’ll see you when you’re free.”
“You’d come with me to this? It’ll be a ton of people, not our kind of people, and—” She shuddered.
“Let’s get it out of the way. I’ll take you with me to my nephew’s birthday party, so you can meet my family. And I’ll drive you to Pennsylvania so I can meet your parents.”
She hesitated. “I’m really happy that you want us to meet each other’s families, but we don’t have to rush.”
He grinned. “What are you afraid of?”
A lot of things, she thought, but she said, “Nothing.”
“Uh huh.”
“I like it when it’s just you and me.”
“It’s always just you and me, kitten. Even in a room full of people.”