CHAPTER 27
LANDRY
I slept through the entire day Saturday, only getting up to use the bathroom or grab some snacks throughout the day. Bexley had come in a few times to check on me, staying in bed with me for a few episodes before leaving to run some errands.
It’s not that I pitied myself, because I knew that I was in the wrong. But unfortunately, there was nothing I could do to turn back time and change my actions that night, so dwelling on it was pointless. Something I wish that I could convince my mind to understand, since it kept returning to the subject.
I finally had an understanding of Cashton’s actions over the last few months. I didn’t know how I was supposed to even look at him after this. I could barely look at myself. And the fact that everyone in the group now knew? I just wanted to bury my face in the sand and call it quits.
A part of me had actually considered looking into transferring to another University to complete college, but Bexley and Olivia had quickly talked me out of that one. Both of them had told me to give him time to come around. But although I did plan on staying friends with Olivia, a part of me decided to go ahead and step back from the rest of his friend group. I had already taken so much from him, and it didn’t seem fair to steal his friends as well.
We didn’t have our Communications class on Monday, Professor Lee having cancelled it to give us more time to study for our finals on Wednesday, which I knew would be the last time I would be seeing Cashton in class. The thought of not seeing him anymore made my heart drop, especially considering that I would be giving his group space, so I would most likely not be seeing him off of campus either. And that brought a sense of sorrow wracking through me.
By Tuesday night, I had worked myself up to say something to him the next day. He might not care to hear me out, but I was going to apologize regardless. I owed him that much, and I was hoping it could give me a sense of closure.
Waking up Wednesday morning, I wasn’t sure if I was more nervous about my exam, or speaking to Cashton. I woke up early enough to take a shower, brushing my wet hair and leaving it down. Topping my grey hoodie with a cute puffer vest, I threw on a beanie and tennis shoes before heading out the door. I made my way to the dining hall to grab a bag of Takis and an energy drink—Not the healthiest breakfast in existence, but Takis worked for nerves just as well as they did for hangovers. I threw both in my backpack, making my way across campus to class and hoping to catch him early.
My heartrate picked up as I spotted him sooner than expected, standing near the fountain with both Zayn and Kaptan .
He didn’t carry a school bag of any sort, dressed only in his usual black hoodie and jeans, his hair disheveled but appearance no less breathtaking. Steeling my resolve, I kept my chin up as I made my way up to him, Kaptan noticing me first before Cashton turned around, our eyes clashing.
I tried to read his expression, looking for anything in those beautiful green eyes that could tell me how he was feeling. They stayed cold and impassive, looking almost as drained as I had been feeling.
“Cashton, can I please talk to you for a second?”
“No.”
Well, that was to be expected. I didn’t relent, forcing my feet to stay in place even though every part of me wanted to turn and retreat in shame. I guess I was doing this in front of his friends.
“Look, all I wanted to say was that I’m sorry. I truly am. I don’t have any excuses for leaving Emory there that night, but for what it’s worth, I do need you to know that I tried to stop my friends. I knew what they were doing was wrong, and I even tried to get Emory to leave with me. But I’m sorry for not trying harder. And I understand why you can’t stand me, and I promise that I’ll stay away from you and your friends from now on. But I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry, Cashton.”
He said nothing. I expected to see his jaw tick like it always did when he was angry, or to see even a small ounce of fire light up in his eyes, but he gave me nothing. Kaptan and Zayn also stood watching in silence, waiting for their friend to make the next move. I was about to turn away and leave it at that, but he finally spoke .
“I heard about your accident that night. The one that killed your mom.”
It hadn’t been what I had expected him to say, but I guess it was still better than him screaming at me or telling me to get fucked.
“Oh,” I looked down, not quite sure how to respond. “Well, I guess things might not have ended much better for her after all if she had ridden with us that night. I guess there are a lot of things that night I wish had gone differently.” I nervously messed with my hands in my hoodie pocket, the slight breeze blowing some of the fountain’s mist our way as the sound of the rushing water filled the silence.
“What road did the accident happen on?” he asked, this conversation once again taking a different turn than expected. And then it hit me why he was asking.
I didn’t respond, letting my eyes tell him what he needed to know. He nodded his head in understanding, a brief flash of pity shining there. There was a reason that I never took the winding back roads through the woods. It hadn’t been a lie when I said that accidents happen on that road all the time. Those sharp turns are unforgiving, especially when coupled with drunk drivers leaving New Year’s Eve parties.
I contemplated staying to see if he would say anything else, or turning to walk away and leave it at that. I looked down at my sneakers, unable to meet his eyes as he continued to assess me. Stands of my loose hair fluttered across my face as the breeze swept through once more.
“I’m sorry about your mom, Landry.
I kept my head down to shield the grief etched in my eyes .
“And I saw what you did to those girls the night of the bonfire.”
My eyes snapped up at that. He had seen the videos? Of course he had, they had been posted practically all over the internet by now. Thankfully, the video of me and Cashton had somehow disappeared in the meantime.
“Olivia told me what happened that night. How you tried to stop them. And I do appreciate that.”
A small blossom of hope bloomed inside my chest. Does that mean he could possibly forgive me? If he knew that none of it had been intentional?
“But,” he continued, and my heart dropped at his next words. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at you and not be reminded of that night.”
I could see the conflict and pain etched into his features.
“When I see you, I remember the videos from that night. Of you, living your best life with your awful friends, while they bullied my baby sister before leaving her to die at our doorstep. Of how excited she had been any time you had given her even the slightest sliver of attention, because she so badly wanted to have a place in your perfect little world. And how to you, she was nothing more than invisible. I don’t blame you for her death, Landry. I apologize for everything I did. And you might be a different person now, but I honestly don’t care to find out. Because you will always be one of the people that hurt my little sister, and I don’t think I can ever see past that. I’m sorry.”
My stomach sank to the ground, shoulders slumping as I dropped my gaze to try to hide the stinging behind my eyes. That small blossom of hope was obliterated, and everything hurt. Nodding my head in understanding, I turned to walk away .
In a way, it almost hurt worse than if he’d decided to scream at me and rip me apart, because that would have meant that he might still cool down over time and change his mind. But he had already calmed down, his decision final. It wasn’t a judgement made in the heat of the moment.
I couldn’t help but think about everything that I was losing. All of my friends that I had been so thankful to have, all ripped away in the blink of an eye. I cursed myself for not having taken more time to appreciate all of those amazing times before they turned into nothing more than memories.
But most of all, it was the man I was losing. Not that he had ever been mine to begin with. But there had been something there, a burning chemistry that I knew he had felt too. I guess whatever it was hadn’t been strong enough to convince him to let go of the past.